Can i ask a question.....

[ytsirk27]

Originally Posted by red98vett

I feel for you - I remember feeling like that but realized AFTER I left my first husband that I actually missed him....think very hard before coming to a conclusion - it can go either way.

Would you miss him if you were never to see him again ? If you say yes...then I would think very hard on this decision - good men are hard to find and the grass is always greener elsewhere ...till you walk on it - then it maybe isn't.

I have tried to leave, take breaks, etc.. I left for about a week. I moved 12 miles away and it didnt do any good. He came down all hours and would sit there and cry and make me feel like crap for leaving and that I was a bad selfish mom. asked for a break about 4 months ago and what he do? start yelling that he's just going to go kill himself and than ill have to explain to our daughters why he ddid that!!! I appreciate your responses but marriage counseling will not work. We go for a bit and than i'm back to the same feelings. I dont want to be here with him. I may miss him, yes, but thats mostly because he's all I know. I started dating him when i was 18. moved in with eachother 3 days later after we mewt. got married when I was 20 and had our first daughter when i was 21...im 29 now so it dont matter if you hate the person, your going to miss them for a while. I dont know what to do or think. I have ALWAYS put my kids first but personally If your going to stay in a relationship that you dont want . your (my) attitudes is really starting to suck. Im mad and grouchy all the time and my kids see that. So what you think is better..living with 2 parents where one is really unhappy and mad all the time or live with 1 parent and have all the access in the world to the other parent but their attitude is so much better?? Im not yelling at anybody so i hope you dont take it that way just stating more for the story!!

[centralnewyorki]

Awesome point, Val!

You only live once and you can't live your life wanting something more. You either need to make a break for yourself and your well-being or you need to decide what it is that is making you feel this way about your husband and fix it. Spending years being unattractive to him and wanting to leave is not going to help you one way or the other. As a child of divorce, yes it sucks, but it's not the end of the world. I would much rather have a happy mom than have a married mom. Your husband either needs to face up to the fact that there's problems in your relationship or quit bullying you into staying with him. If he's not willing to make things better for you, make them better for yourself.

Leave with the kids on a vacation for a weekend and let him see what it would be like to be a single man. Let him miss you and the kids and maybe he'll realize that he needs to pull his head out of his patooty and help you make this work, or he'll realize that it's time to end it. You may be the one who is unhappy, but there are two of you in your relationship and both of you need to address the problem. Do you still love him? Could you stand to see him with someone else? What made you fall in love with him, and where are those things now?

I wish you all the best of luck in this situation.

[Ponyup]

Originally Posted by BabyFidgette

PLEASE don't take this the wrong way, but I had an ex-fiance who was the same way (bedroom wise) and a lot of people thought he may have been gay. As my mother says, "men want it all the time." Just telling you...something to ask yourself.

No offense taken, but he's not gay he's just weird. He has a genius level IQ and is a little obsessive compulsive and he doesn't like to do things that he doesn't think he's good at. I was his first real itimate relationship so I still think he feels some anxiety about it. You know how most men do 90% of their thinking with their penis and only 10% with their head, well when my husband was being made the wires must of gotten crossed because he is the opposite. Which is what attracted me to him because he cared about more than just my body however, now I want him to be into my body. It's a vicious cycle.

[Ponyup]

Originally Posted by ytsirk27

I have tried to leave, take breaks, etc.. I left for about a week. I moved 12 miles away and it didnt do any good. He came down all hours and would sit there and cry and make me feel like crap for leaving and that I was a bad selfish mom. asked for a break about 4 months ago and what he do? start yelling that he's just going to go kill himself and than ill have to explain to our daughters why he ddid that!!! I appreciate your responses but marriage counseling will not work. We go for a bit and than i'm back to the same feelings. I dont want to be here with him. I may miss him, yes, but thats mostly because he's all I know. I started dating him when i was 18. moved in with eachother 3 days later after we mewt. got married when I was 20 and had our first daughter when i was 21...im 29 now so it dont matter if you hate the person, your going to miss them for a while. I dont know what to do or think. I have ALWAYS put my kids first but personally If your going to stay in a relationship that you dont want . your (my) attitudes is really starting to suck. Im mad and grouchy all the time and my kids see that. So what you think is better..living with 2 parents where one is really unhappy and mad all the time or live with 1 parent and have all the access in the world to the other parent but their attitude is so much better?? Im not yelling at anybody so i hope you dont take it that way just stating more for the story!!

I've been in relationships with crappy guys and even though he is not physically abusing you he is emotionally abusing you. I went with a guy (my first love) and I told him private things I never told anyone and when I went away to college he would use these things to upset me and get me to come home. Your husband sounds like this he sounds very selfish and almost like a child throwing a tantrum. Do not let him make you feel guilty or manipulate you. He is so terrified of losing you he is willing to do anything or say anything to make you stay. And his reasoning behind making you stay is not because he loves you because if he truely loved you he would want you to be happy. He wants you to stay and take care of him it sounds like he has the life if you're the bread winner and you take care of the kids. This is a hard situation because you would hate for your husband to do something aweful. I would suggest you go to conseling by yourself and get some pointers on how to handle your husband.

[ytsirk27]

Originally Posted by Ponyup

I've been in relationships with crappy guys and even though he is not physically abusing you he is emotionally abusing you. I went with a guy (my first love) and I told him private things I never told anyone and when I went away to college he would use these things to upset me and get me to come home. Your husband sounds like this he sounds very selfish and almost like a child throwing a tantrum. Do not let him make you feel guilty or manipulate you. He is so terrified of losing you he is willing to do anything or say anything to make you stay. And his reasoning behind making you stay is not because he loves you because if he truely loved you he would want you to be happy. He wants you to stay and take care of him it sounds like he has the life if you're the bread winner and you take care of the kids. This is a hard situation because you would hate for your husband to do something aweful. I would suggest you go to conseling by yourself and get some pointers on how to handle your husband.

He does love me. Theres absolutely no doubt about that. His words exactly" If you move to another town i will have to move there too because I love you and the kids so much". and the topper is "you won't ever leave me..I wont allow it" and "You'll have to burn me out like a cockroach". He's very difficult. He makes me feel so damn bad and guilty.

[centralnewyorki]

Originally Posted by ytsirk27

"you won't ever leave me..I wont allow it"

My response would be "watch me!" Tell him to shape up or ship out. If you don't need his income and he's going to act cocky rather than work on the relationship, then you are wasting your time being with him. Inform him that he's not the only fish in the sea and if he doesn't want to make you happy, you'll find someone who will. I would have no tolerance for that attitude!

[Ponyup]

I just wanted to urge you to be careful. I had a friend who's finance was the same way he never hit her or anything but said these things. Well she finally left him and he came after her and tried to kill her. his reasoning for this was that if he couldn't have her then no one could. So please be very careful. I don't know you or your husband so I could be way off base her, but please just be careful.

[ytsirk27]

Originally Posted by centralnewyorki

My response would be "watch me!" Tell him to shape up or ship out. If you don't need his income and he's going to act cocky rather than work on the relationship, then you are wasting your time being with him. Inform him that he's not the only fish in the sea and if he doesn't want to make you happy, you'll find someone who will. I would have no tolerance for that attitude!

im jusy thinking about my kids........call me stupid!!!!

[ytsirk27]

Originally Posted by Ponyup

I just wanted to urge you to be careful. I had a friend who's finance was the same way he never hit her or anything but said these things. Well she finally left him and he came after her and tried to kill her. his reasoning for this was that if he couldn't have her then no one could. So please be very careful. I don't know you or your husband so I could be way off base her, but please just be careful.

he once said he'd stalk me if I left and the guy that i was with would be sorry!!!!!!!!

[centralnewyorki]

Originally Posted by ytsirk27

im jusy thinking about my kids........call me stupid!!!!

You're not stupid- you're being a great mom! As I said in an earlier post, though, I'm a child of divorce and would much rather have a happy mom than a married mom. Believe me, your kids know you're unhappy. No matter how well you think you're hiding it, they know or will know as they get older. My mom probably thought she hid a lot from my sister and me, but we knew how she felt and what she worried about.

[cheryl000]

Originally Posted by ytsirk27

he once said he'd stalk me if I left and the guy that i was with would be sorry!!!!!!!!

I know how you feel. When I was 15 I dated a guy until I was 18 who was controlling like that. He wasn't physically abusive, but he had his ways. I hated alot of things about him. He was VERY emotional.Once we were sitting down to eat chinese food and his finger got burnt, he freaked out and started screaming and he threw the food on me burning me too. I don't know if it was an accident or whatever, but he always overreacted. He would cry all the time over stupid stuff. He might have even had a mental problem or something. It was like everything was all about his feelings. Everytime I tried to break up with him he said he would kill himself. I realized that I was only sticking around because I didn't want him to hurt himself. I didn't know any better, he had moved 2 states away to be with me so he made me feel guilty about that. But fact was that I didn't want to be with him anymore. I finally said that I needed some space and got some of my things. 3 days later I called for something and some other chick picked up the phone at our apartment. I went there later while he was at work and got the rest of my things and left, never seeing him again. But my sister did see him and his new gf a month later in the next town. The new girlfriend probably thought it was weird seeing a huge pregnant woman yelling at him.
I hated being stuck in that relationship. But I am still glad that it happened because I wouldn't know what to look for in a person. I really appreciate the qualities in my husband. I am happy that he's nothing like the crazy guy I dated in high school. I feel like my husband is my match and is so much like me.
If your heart isn't in it and you are only sticking around because he's controlling you, then I recommend that you seek some kind of counseling at least to improve yourself and try to live somewhere else. If you have to, get a temporary restraining order if he doesn't leave when you ask him to. You need to explain to him that he can not tell you to come back out of guilt, you have to come back because you want to. If you come back then it was meant to be. You need to explain to him that he is being controlling by saying that he's going to kill himself and he is using the kids to his advantage. If you decide to leave, the first few months are always the most difficult. Good luck in whatever you decide to do.

[ytsirk27]

Originally Posted by cheryl000

I know how you feel. When I was 15 I dated a guy until I was 18 who was controlling like that. He wasn't physically abusive, but he had his ways. I hated alot of things about him. He was VERY emotional.Once we were sitting down to eat chinese food and his finger got burnt, he freaked out and started screaming and he threw the food on me burning me too. I don't know if it was an accident or whatever, but he always overreacted. He would cry all the time over stupid stuff. He might have even had a mental problem or something. It was like everything was all about his feelings. Everytime I tried to break up with him he said he would kill himself. I realized that I was only sticking around because I didn't want him to hurt himself. I didn't know any better, he had moved 2 states away to be with me so he made me feel guilty about that. But fact was that I didn't want to be with him anymore. I finally said that I needed some space and got some of my things. 3 days later I called for something and some other chick picked up the phone at our apartment. I went there later while he was at work and got the rest of my things and left, never seeing him again. But my sister did see him and his new gf a month later in the next town. The new girlfriend probably thought it was weird seeing a huge pregnant woman yelling at him.
I hated being stuck in that relationship. But I am still glad that it happened because I wouldn't know what to look for in a person. I really appreciate the qualities in my husband. I am happy that he's nothing like the crazy guy I dated in high school. I feel like my husband is my match and is so much like me.
If your heart isn't in it and you are only sticking around because he's controlling you, then I recommend that you seek some kind of counseling at least to improve yourself and try to live somewhere else. If you have to, get a temporary restraining order if he doesn't leave when you ask him to. You need to explain to him that he can not tell you to come back out of guilt, you have to come back because you want to. If you come back then it was meant to be. You need to explain to him that he is being controlling by saying that he's going to kill himself and he is using the kids to his advantage. If you decide to leave, the first few months are always the most difficult. Good luck in whatever you decide to do.

Thank You so much. Luckily he is not as bad at your old BF with the chinese food.LOL

[vainchick5]

I'm not married, so I don't know if my opinion will even count but I thought I would give my 2 cents anyway. I think that it's great that you want to think about your kids. I don't really believe in divorce (unless it's abuse/cheating) but I think that by him making you feel guilty and telling you he will kill himself, he is emotionally abusing you. I agree with Olivia, DON'T TOLERATE THAT KIND OF BEHAVIOR. Your kids already know what's going on and if you are unhappy, so are they! I would keep on trying counseling. There is no magic answer, I know you want there to be but there isn't. You need set your foot down and not make excuses for him. He needs to listen to you, period.

[Princess Zoe]

I definately think that your husband is emotionally and mentally abusive. Saying things like "he's going to kill himself" if you left him????? He is just trying to say anything and do anything to make you stay with him, without regard to what it will do to you emotionally or mentally. Any kind of abuse is for selfish reasons. If he cared more about you (I mean REALLY loved you), he would think about your feelings and needs, and not say such selfish things to keep you in an unhappy situation. Before I married my husband I was dating a guy like that. The crying and begging me to stay all the time. I too tried to break things off with him many times and he would just bring me presents and cry and beg, until I felt guilty and went back to him. When I was with him, I couldn't have any other friends because he would say "You are MY best friend now!!". So literally in the 6 mths. that we dated, I spent 1 evening with my best girl friend, and that's only because I SNUCK to her house, knowing that he would be SO mad at me later..... which he was.... "Where have you been?! I have been looking for you everywhere!" and on and on and on. Well, he was out of the country for awhile, and what did I do???? I GOT MARRIED! 50% because I loved my husband, and the other 50% was because of an attempt to escape my boyfriend and his manipulative ways. I knew that when he got home he would cry and beg until I gave in again. Even after I was married, he cried and wanted to hold my hand and dance with me, etc., etc. He had NO regard for my happiness. I'm so glad that I'm out of that emotional roller-coaster! I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this in marriage.... that is just horrible.

[Princess Zoe]

I just re-read some of your past posts and I wanted to point out that there is a distinct difference between "Love" and "Obsession". When you love someone, you respect them. You care about their feelings and dreams and needs. You care MORE about them than you do yourself, and if being without you will make them happiest, then that is what you want for them too!! Obsession is completely different. You don't think you can live without the other person, so you say insane things to get them to stay, make them feel guilty or hopeless, or to make them feel that there is no getting rid of you, so why even try?! Like when he said these things..... "you won't ever leave me..I wont allow it", "You'll have to burn me out like a cockroach" and "I'll kill myself if you do". Um, that is a little creepy. In other words he's saying "even though leaving me may make YOU happy, you might as well forget about it, because I'm not going anywhere. If anything it will just make your life worse because I will kill myself, and then you will have to explain to the kids that their daddy killed himself all because of YOU". The fact of the matter is.... you CAN leave him. You do need to take caution though with the threats that he has given. You need to sit down and really decide what you want to do. If you want to leave him, then you need to come up with a plan and not turn back. Make up your mind, and if you decide for sure to go then don't talk to him about it. Don't give him the opportunity to make you feel guilty. Maybe you should talk to a professional psychologist to get ideas of the best way to go about it. One time my Mom wanted to leave my step-dad and her counselor suggested starting a secret "runaway fund" for herself. You are a strong woman and you can do what is best for you and your family. Don't let anyone make you feel bad about yourself, or manipulate you any longer.