Can i ask a question.....

[Chelsey]

Originally Posted by ytsirk27

I need to clarify.....ITS ME NOT HIM...He doesnt think anything is wrong..it's ME..im the blame!!!!

No No dont be so hard on youself and DONT set yourself on a guilt trip, something obviously started this off for you to feel this way, do you know where it comes from?

Men usually think "oh theres nothing wrong" most of the time they just DONT GET IT!
How long have you been together?

[ytsirk27]

Originally Posted by Chelsey

No No dont be so hard on youself and DONT set yourself on a guilt trip, something obviously started this off for you to feel this way, do you know where it comes from?

Men usually think "oh theres nothing wrong" most of the time they just DONT GET IT!
How long have you been together?

10.5 years. LOTS of ups and downs. He is happy...that's not an issue. It's me..my heart isnt here. The reason why I havent left is because of the kids, the thought that I cant take care of us (which i know ican) and nobody else will ever want me... Our history is sooooo messed up and just started getting decent about 3 yrs ago..but its still not here......does anybody undertand what I mean?? He also makes me feel like the worst mom in the world when i tell him we need a break...

[Yorkieluv]

I'm so sorry that you're going through this! I can only imagine how hard it is. I'm a believer that if you had it once, you can always get back to that point. If you don't communicate, you can't expect him to try and win your heart back. You know what I mean You have to REALLY want it to work in order for it to work. I don't know your situation though, so that's about as far I can go with advice. I wish you luck and I'll pray for you and your hubby.

[Ponyup]

Again I'm young and don't know much so take this litely. I went through a period of a month or so where I fell for another guy (I didn't do anything), but the site of my husband litterally made my stomach turn. I didn't feel anything for him and I thought we were done. I didn't know how to tell him so I was waiting til I got the words right and one night I went to bed and woke up more in love with him than ever. I don't know what happened and it sounds like you've been feeling this way for a longer time. My biggest thing was I didn't feel wanted and I wanted to find someone that would want me while I still could. You need to figure out deep down why you don't want him anymore. I would start by writing in a journal how you feel at certain times. The reason I started to feel this way is because I started to feel trapped. At that time I was trapped in a dead end job, trapped in a relationship, trapped in a town I hated and I was suffocating. You may also feel trapped because of the kids or lack of financial independence you need to figure out if it's really your husband or something else that's making you feel this way. I wish I had advise of how to do this. I just wanna say I know how you feel. I wish you luck that you find happiness.

[Chelsey]

Originally Posted by ytsirk27

10.5 years. LOTS of ups and downs. He is happy...that's not an issue. It's me..my heart isnt here. The reason why I havent left is because of the kids, the thought that I cant take care of us (which i know ican) and nobody else will ever want me... Our history is sooooo messed up and just started getting decent about 3 yrs ago..but its still not here......does anybody undertand what I mean?? He also makes me feel like the worst mom in the world when i tell him we need a break...

Ok, he's happy because YOU have kept him happy all these years ? Forgetting about yourself and you own life ? Giving up your own life for your husband and kids ? Sounds like your selfesteem is way down and finally you wont stand for it anymore.
I dont know the history and the situation, but dont let anybody tell you that your a bad mom if you know in your heart that you have done and are doing all you can to keep your family on a roll.
I think i understand what you mean, you are tired and fed up of all the crap you have put up with. You need to make yourself feel pretty and worth it, simply because you are. Dont let anyone else tell you differently.

[deb4air]

Originally Posted by ytsirk27

10.5 years. LOTS of ups and downs. He is happy...that's not an issue. It's me..my heart isnt here. The reason why I havent left is because of the kids, the thought that I cant take care of us (which i know ican) and nobody else will ever want me... Our history is sooooo messed up and just started getting decent about 3 yrs ago..but its still not here......does anybody undertand what I mean?? He also makes me feel like the worst mom in the world when i tell him we need a break...

Sounds like you crave intimate time and does Hubby give you that? if not do you nuture yourself , because no one person can be it all for another but the one main Question i would ask myself is would I date me? if your not giving the most of yourself .ya cant expect someone else to .At best relationships are hard work , but the truth is the realationship you have with yourself .is the one ya cant get away from .Hope you can find the answer for you since no one else can give it ..my wish for you is that you listen to your highest love within you for the answer will be there .in lovenlight Deb

[Yorkieluv]

Originally Posted by Ponyup

Again I'm young and don't know much so take this litely. I went through a period of a month or so where I fell for another guy (I didn't do anything), but the site of my husband litterally made my stomach turn. I didn't feel anything for him and I thought we were done. I didn't know how to tell him so I was waiting til I got the words right and one night I went to bed and woke up more in love with him than ever. I don't know what happened and it sounds like you've been feeling this way for a longer time. My biggest thing was I didn't feel wanted and I wanted to find someone that would want me while I still could. You need to figure out deep down why you don't want him anymore. I would start by writing in a journal how you feel at certain times. The reason I started to feel this way is because I started to feel trapped. At that time I was trapped in a dead end job, trapped in a relationship, trapped in a town I hated and I was suffocating. You may also feel trapped because of the kids or lack of financial independence you need to figure out if it's really your husband or something else that's making you feel this way. I wish I had advise of how to do this. I just wanna say I know how you feel. I wish you luck that you find happiness.

I think this is great advice!
It could be that you're not happy with something else in your life and it's being passed on to your relationship. Maybe if you adjust other things in your life, that could work???
I don't know, Good luck...

[cheryl000]

I think that you two need some type of vacation time together so you can reconnect. Sometimes after you've been married for a while it feels more like a buisness relationship (raising the kids, paying bills, etc.) Do something for yourselves that you both enjoy. Plan a little getaway. No kids, no work, etc. Definately take some time during that trip to talk to eachother and become best friends again.

[Claire]

Originally Posted by ytsirk27

10.5 years. LOTS of ups and downs. He is happy...that's not an issue. It's me..my heart isnt here. The reason why I havent left is because of the kids, the thought that I cant take care of us (which i know ican) and nobody else will ever want me... Our history is sooooo messed up and just started getting decent about 3 yrs ago..but its still not here......does anybody undertand what I mean?? He also makes me feel like the worst mom in the world when i tell him we need a break...

I totaly understand... First off you are not the worst mom in the world, secondly, he will not know that something is wrong untill you tell him. TELL HIM that your heart is not there and then try to work on it together. It feels good to get it out. Have the kids stay over at a friends house or with family and you and your husband have a night at home alone and talk it out, hold nothing back. You are the only one who knows what you want and need and unless you tell him, he will not know what you need from him.

[ytsirk27]

Originally Posted by Claire

I totaly understand... First off you are not the worst mom in the world, secondly, he will not know that something is wrong untill you tell him. TELL HIM that your heart is not there and then try to work on it together. It feels good to get it out. Have the kids stay over at a friends house or with family and you and your husband have a night at home alone and talk it out, hold nothing back. You are the only one who knows what you want and need and unless you tell him, he will not know what you need from him.

I have told him and he informs me that cannot happen and its stupid!!!!!!!

[Sherry Lynn]

One of my friends went through this several years ago and went to marriage counseling. She said the thing that really turned her around was when the counselor asked her to list all the traits and qualities her 'perfect man' (I know-oxymoron!) would have. After making the list, she said she realized her husband possessed all of the qualities on her list. She made up her mind to work things out and never looked back.

Sometimes it helps when you see things in black and white. Maybe try making a list of the pros and cons to see which has more weight.

Best of luck.

[chattiesmom]

I have been married 25 years. We have had our ups and downs. I came to the conclusion that happiness is a personal choice. I can wake up each morning and choose.... Do I wish to be happy or do I wish to make myself miserable. I am the only one accountable for my happiness, it comes from within or I am without.

Now to answer your question, you need to look yourself long and hard in the mirror of your soul and look at why you are unhappy. Think about how many people it will impact if you choose to leave and even more important, your children..... is their quality of life better with them having both a mom and a dad at home or would their life be better being swapped back and forth between you two.

Prayer always helps when making live changing decisions.

[YorkieRose]

It sounds like the marriage has just gotten dull and stale..would your life and your children's be better off with or without him? If you can not afford to support your children and give them a good life, then you may have to put your feelings aside for now. It is entirely possible to have an interesting, fullfilled life with a luke warm marraige..not what I would want, but what I might do if I had young children to consider. Best wishes to you and your decisions.

[hunniebunnie]

first of all, lemme just say i'm so sorry you're feeling this way. it's tough times and be assured that you have support here.

secondly, i strongly suggest that you get some counseling. sometimes men are majorly pig-headed. they say and do certain things without thinking how it can affect you and take your feelings for granted. and when we, women are taken for granted, we'll either retaliate or withdraw. it seems like you're doing the latter, you're withdrawing your feelings from the relationship. and he's too blind to see it, feel it, sense it, or hear it even if you tell him directly. sometimes men need someone else (not their wife or gf) to evaluate the relationship for them just to prove that "the woman" is not "over-reacting".

if you're miserable and he thinks everything is peachy then it's even more important for the two of you to communicate. and having an unbias 3rd party to mitigate the discussion would help to make it a more production discussion rather than a fight about who could've/should've done this or that way back when.

perhaps at the end of this, the both of you will come to realize that you're better off separated than together and arrive at an amiable end to your romantic relationship and the start of a friendly one for each other and for the kids.

my husband and i have been together for the better part of the past 15 years, the past three being married. there's a lot of up's and down's and it's not always happy happy moments. sometimes a break to re-evaluate yourself, your partner, and the both of you together is needed to move forward.

good luck. big hugs. my thoughts are with you.

[janedks3406]

I have been married for 13 years, to a wonderful kind, considerate man, but who is a workaloic, a few months ago i was feeling the same way my heart didn't seem to be there, I was looking to others to try and make me feel the SPARK I had started to see a councellor about some other things that had gone on, and in one of my sessions i brought this up to him.. He said to me that after being married for X number of years things aren't going to rock your world like they used to when you were first together, and you get to the point where u get very comfortable with each other, but its up to all of us to reunite spark. So he told me to have a weekly date, this means no kids, he could just be curled up on the couch cuddling watching a movie, or going out for a drive, and maybe even a weekend away to a hotel. This is to rediscovering each other like you did when you were going out. the other big thing is to sit down with your husband and and discuss your feelings, and maybe deep down he is feeling the same way too, or it could be that men are blind to feelings and signs, that you need to open his eyes that you are not happy!, I can only say that this is your life, your family, and while everyone can put in their two cents, its still up to you where you want to be. don't be hard on your self, and I hope things get better , if you want to talk i am here for you any time! Janedks3406