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11-18-2006, 11:51 PM | #1 |
YT 1000 Club Member Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: North eastern Illinois Suburbs
Posts: 1,669
| Please give me your thoughts regarding this- I typed this just a moment ago. What are your thoughts? I'm still undecided, but I figured typing my feelings on this matter as of right now would help keep my mind clear. Every time I talk to the father, I waver and I'm tired of it. I don't want to develop an ulcer over this. I'm 25. I know this is a personal decision, but the experience of others, always gives good insight and helps w/ a proper decision in my opinion! Thank you for taking a moment to read this! Regarding me keeping this baby- Prior to getting pregnant I was of the mind to do what I could-within my realm of comfort-to not get pregnant. I thought that if the pill failed I would simply abort the baby since I obviously didn’t want to get pregnant. Now that I am pregnant, why has that thought changed? Not because of “hormones” or that my heart is telling me that abortion is not the thing to do. Rather, because I re-assessed my beliefs in pro-choice and decided that I no longer fit the criteria. So here I am, pregnant and not having an abortion. I’m now looking at carrying the child to term and the necessity to decide to either keep it or adopt it out. Again, I was of the mind to adopt out this baby. The father wants to have nothing to do w/ what he helped create, can’t fault him. I didn’t want conception to happen either. Since it did, there’s no real reason to have to “deal” w/ that beyond giving birth, right? Wrong. While I cannot at this moment say that I’ll be able to provide the life for this little one that an adoptive family could, I also can’t say which one would be better for the child. It’s not as black and white as the father makes it out to sound. He once asked me if I thought I “could be w/ one person for the rest of my life”-worded a little funny, but still the same question, implying him…you’d have to understand what we were “doing” at the time. And I told him that I honestly believe I could. And when I asked the same question of him, he concurred that he felt the same about me. And later we discussed that if I had gotten pregnant by him, that we would worry about it then. I think we both thought conception wouldn’t happen and really couldn’t happen. The odds were in our favor of not conceiving. I’m not being ruled my emotion; rather I’m being ruled by careful thought and much deliberation. The one and ONLY reservation that I have about this delightful “accident” is that I will need financial assistance in the upbringing of this child for perhaps the next few years, not necessarily indefinitely. The only ones responsible for that aspect of raising the child would be the father (if not deceased, and he’s currently not) and myself, since we created it, despite any precautions taken. I am more inclined to go to him for assistance-even if he doesn’t want to assume responsibility-than to go on a state funded program of any sort. Why bring state tax payers into something they had no part either directly or indirectly in creating? That’s their responsibility only second to ours. So if I make the choice to ask the father for financial assistance, I feel that I won’t be forcing him to be a daddy, rather asking him to not wash his hands completely of something he helped create. “The moment of conception was fun, but I must rely on you going against human nature and not changing your mind.” The one thing I can say is that I’ve made choices to NOT repeat certain behaviors ever again. And I KNOW that I will not repeat those undesired behaviors because I’ve been tempted since making that decision and never acted on it. In this case of being pregnant and keeping the baby, I said I wouldn’t, but I had never been in this position before to really know what I was talking about. Now I am in “the thick of it” and the reality is that me keeping this baby can be done and might be the right thing to do. I don’t think it’s wise or reasonable to ask any woman to give a concrete answer and believe that she knows what she’s saying when giving an answer about something of this caliber that she’s never experienced or has been close to someone that’s experienced this situation-in regards to how she would handle it. (i.e. abortion;adopt out;keep it) If I ever were to have children, it would only be because I wanted them to have grandparents and preferably great grandparents. I’ve never really minded the thought of having a child of my own, just not an infant. Not sure why that is, but it’s true. Since life offers no guarantees, I think it might be wise of me to give more thought in the way of keeping this child since I do have grandparents to offer the child, grandparents and great grandparents that have a deep sense of family and pride and would love to assist as much as they could. It’s a responsibility that they are more than happy to assume and have gone great lengths to reassure me that that’s truly how they feel. They will help take off wherever the father could not or chose not to pick up w/o being legally obligated to. This is a thought that has crossed their minds as a possibility ever since they knew they were having a baby girl back in 1981. If I have this kind of support in my life and I couldn’t guarantee that I would be able to do this again in the future when I actually planned it, why not take advantage of this and just become that mom, not just a mother? It’s not the ideal time, but I’m quite capable of doing this. I would feel worse I believe parting w/ this little one in the long run than I would if I faced my fears and chose to keep it. It’s no fun to be alone on this decision, but life doesn’t always give you what you want. And I won’t be suffering by taking on this responsibility. At 25 I’ve done and seen more things than people twice my age will ever get the chance to in their lifetime. To say the least, I won’t be “missing out”. The message to remember in the end is that despite my reservations on ONE reason to adopt this baby out is: “If everyone waited until they were financially ready to have a child-in any capacity-then no one would have kids.” I cannot let the lack of proper finances at this point be the deciding factor on whether or not to raise this baby. I didn’t go out looking to get pregnant, it just happened. And therefore I hate the idea of being held soley responsible just because I had the eggs, and not the sperm. Financially not being able to provide for this child on my own is the perhaps the only real reason holding me back at this moment. Beyond that I’m not scared and I actually look forward to the future. We’ll see what the next chapter in my life reveals- Last edited by yorkieK9trainer; 11-18-2006 at 11:55 PM. |
Welcome Guest! | |
11-19-2006, 12:08 AM | #2 |
Puppy Luv Donating Member Join Date: Feb 2005 Location: Canada
Posts: 2,678
| I was in this situation many years ago and kept my baby, the father fought me all the way. When two people sleep together they BOTH know the risks and share the responsibility regardless if someone is on the pill (you can't count on someone else to take it and they say it is not 100% safe). I'm sorry but that ain't no excuse for the father. I swore to that baby that I would do all I could, baby and me against the world. It was not always easy and maybe the baby never had the "best" but let me tell you, we did fine. I got back with my true love and he has been so good to me and been a father to my baby. Things work out, the bond and the love you have for this baby will get you through anything. The father did come around after a year or two and is a wonderful dad now. Things don't always work out this way but I do believe what you seek you shall find. All the best!!! |
11-19-2006, 12:16 AM | #3 |
YT 1000 Club Member Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: North eastern Illinois Suburbs
Posts: 1,669
| Breeze, If you don't mind me asking, how old were you when you had this baby you're speaking of? I'm 25, were you younger/older? |
11-19-2006, 12:18 AM | #4 | |
Puppy Luv Donating Member Join Date: Feb 2005 Location: Canada
Posts: 2,678
| Quote:
Sorry, having a hard time typing, it keeps jumping and deleting. Last edited by Breeze; 11-19-2006 at 12:22 AM. | |
11-19-2006, 12:42 AM | #5 |
Donating YT 500 Club Member Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Michigan
Posts: 701
| I was married, had a baby and he was so scared he ran off, only months later he returned, sorry of course because his fears drove him away. Less then a year later I found out I was pregnant with my son, he ran again, this time when he decided his fears made him run and he wanted to come back, I said no thank you. Pregnant and with a one year old, it was me against the world. I did it, they were loved, they had a wonderful childhood. I didn't ask for support at that time. Don't be a fool. He doesn't need to be there to be a Dad if he doesn't want it, and if he doesn't want it - he shouldn't because he wouldn't be much of a Dad then, BUT he must pay no matter what decision he makes about the participation. I requested insurance cards for my children when they were 13. My x-Husband did not like the idea that he would have to explain to the guys at work that he had 2 children and he felt they would find out by him adding them to his insurance. He fought me all the way on the insurance issue. When we got to court, the Judge was surprised I never asked for support. He ordered support at this time regardless that I didn't ask for it. He ordered I get insurance cards immediately, he ordered him to get phyc evaluation. He ordered me to save it for their future if I didn't want or need it. I did........... They enjoyed that money during their college years He quit his job to be spiteful, it added up fast in arrears, his kids own the house he lives in now. They are not set for life but had a better ending then their financial start. It's not hard to do it on your own but it is easier with a little bit of financial help
__________________ CHLOE SISSY Starr and The NewYorkie Mom, Pattie |
11-19-2006, 01:23 AM | #6 |
Senior Yorkie Talker Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: Plainfield, Il
Posts: 146
| When i had my son i was 15 yrs old. My mom wanted me to give my baby up for adoption. I couldnt do it. The father, who was 16yrs of course cheated and left me for a woman who was 26 yrs old one year later. I didnt know anything about having a baby. I was a baby myself. I tried to go back to school after i gave birth but was turned away. The principal told my mother and i that i was out of school too long to be accepted back. I used to cry thinking i was punished. This little person who i had relied on me. I thought it was unfair that i had this responsibility to myself while his father did what he wanted to do. I had to go to a "Special" school for teenage moms. I received my diploma and worked so i can take care of my son. One job i had was overnight. I'd come home exhausted and still have to stay up and take care of him. I didnt care. He was the best thing to happen. He was my best friend. I didnt make very much but he always had better clothes and shoes then me. I made a mistake when i concieved but never seen him as a mistake. I gave up things i wanted for him. I loved him even though i was by myself. I only had my mom to help me. Thank god for her. Seven Years went by before i got into a serious relationship again. My new boyfriend moved in with me. What do you know. Im pregnant a second time. What happens next? You guessed it! He cheated on me and left me for another woman 2 weeks after i gave birth. He denies my son still to this day! At least the other one acknowleges that he indeed is his son. Now i have two boys, No daddys and one job! Thank god for my mom. Oh and thank god for Child support toO!! I see it like this. We laid down --->TOGETHER<--- Not me by myself. I always thought that because i had a child no man would want me. Lies, Lies, Lies!! Hey, Im married now. Living in a great home, Great man and even have a lovely little daughter. I recieved help from the state. Yeah you dont want to burden the tax payers but thats why the help is there! There's the WIC program which gives you free baby formula and the medical card to help you and your baby with medical help for free. Plus im sure you paid your taxes. Believe me, I pay mine. If you dont want to go that route then keep on working. If you have family to help you then accept it proudly. If i didnt have my mom i'd be lost. Im glad i didnt give my son up. I'd die everyday wondering about him. I chose not to live that way. You could only make that discision. I told you this so you can see that there are people in your situation. Maybe worse off then you! If you believe in a higher power, Just ask for help. Ask to have doors and opportunities for you to open. Ask for help and peace in your life. I was 15 years old. I had people shake their heads at me! Put me down, Talk about me but you know what? I took care of what i had toO! I was and am an awsome mom. The best is when my son tells me "Mommy i love you". I really know i didnt make a mistake. It's up to you! You can do it..Everything happens for a reason.......I hope this was helpful in your life journey!!
__________________ MeLANie~SoNia'S~MoM |
11-19-2006, 03:24 AM | #7 |
Gus Is The Fuss Donating Member Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: New Jersey
Posts: 2,277
| Well, you asked for thoughts and here are mine. Babies are conceived while on the pill and women that thought they would have an abortion change their minds. This is nothing new. The father knew this was a possibility and he took the chance anyway. You need to stop worrying about him. Life doesn't always turn out the way we want it to but that doesn't mean we shouldn't take responsibility for our actions and the results of those actions. If he won't step up and do what is right there is nothing wrong with making him pay child support. It's HIS child. Why shouldn't this baby get whatever both of her parents can afford to give her? Because this isn't what he wants? This isn't about him anymore. He made his choices and now has to live with them. Just like the rest of us. "I’ve never really minded the thought of having a child of my own, just not an infant." Just wait. I won't try to explain it because it's like trying to explain falling in love to someone that has never been. You might think you understand but until it happens to you, you have no idea.
__________________ Erin & Gus Gus You lost me at stay! "He is a good heart and a kind soul, and an angel on four feet." MW |
11-19-2006, 05:54 AM | #8 |
Donating YT 2000 Club Member Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: FL
Posts: 7,651
| Did you know that if a woman does go on public assistance, they will track the father down and make him pay? It is a moral and LEGAL responsibility. So, he better come on board. It is not just something that you ask him nicely to do if he wants. It is something he must do. Neither of you planned this but both took the chance and need to share in the responsibility. I think you have already made your decision and want to keep your baby. I think that is wonderful. It won't all be easy, you may have some tough times -- all mothers do. But, there are so many moments that can swell your heart with love, pride, and nurturing that it will all be so much more than worth it! I was a divorced mom for 10 years with two growing boys. I lived payday to payday for quite a while. We sometimes had to get creative for supper -- spaghetti with tomato soup, tuna surprises, etc. I got to be the Queen of Meals for less than $2. But I know they always knew they were loved, they were always clean and healthy, and things did get better. Eventually I was able to provide them with more. But you know where most of our fondest memories are from -- that poor time when we barely scraped by. All we had was each other and we made the most of that! Best of luck to you!
__________________ FlDebra and her ABCs Annie, Ben, Candy Promoting Healthy Breeding to the AKC Yorkshire Terrier Standard |
11-19-2006, 05:56 AM | #9 |
YT 500 Club Member Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: Bacliff, TX
Posts: 947
| Unlike most of the previous threads, I was 34 when my son was conceived. I was in a different situation financially and emotionally. I had a decent job, owned my own home and had great friends and family. But, it was difficult. I gave the father an opportunity to help on his own, but he was too immature to do that. My only advice on that subject is the Attorney General of your state. It's free and they monitor and collect for you. And, yes, this is a must. Of course, my whopping $56.00 a week doesn't make a dent in what it costs to raise a child. Since he works for his dad, on paper, he doesn't make much money. But, something is better than nothing. Anyway, emotionally, it's absolutely awesome. My son is now 14 and my best buddy. He's now the man of the house and my protector. If you've made your decision, stop wondering, just pull up your boot straps and enjoy it. Tomorrow is not guaranteed to any of us. This is a time you will never forget. Yes, there will be difficulties, but having a man around, for me, would only have made it harder. I got to make all the decisions, do things my way, and loved every minute of it. Don't waste another second worrying about old whats-his-face, just move on. Your emotional health right now affects the child and will from this day forward. Hold your head high, do your best, and again, ENJOY! No, it won't be easy, but anything worth having usually isn't. |
11-19-2006, 05:51 PM | #10 |
YT 1000 Club Member Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: North eastern Illinois Suburbs
Posts: 1,669
| Everyone on here is awesome. It takes quite a few minutes out of your surfing hours to read what I wrote and respond. I really appreciate that! And I want you all to know that this advice isn't going unused! |
11-19-2006, 06:04 PM | #11 |
Lovin' Lucy & Rebel Donating Member Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: Georgia
Posts: 4,438
| When I was your age, I had 2 sons and was divorced. My ex-their father- paid $50/week and I worked at a sewing factory until I was able to go back to school on a scholarship. I didn't go on public assistance, or ask my family for help. I did it alone until I married my second husband 10 years later. You can make it with your baby. You sound very level headed and you're using that level head to think things through. GOOD! The main thing any child needs is unconditional love. Your baby will be the most wonderful thing you've ever done in your life. You'll discover feelings you never knew existed within you. Allow those who love you to help you. You'll be fine! God bless and take care
__________________ Kim , Rebel ,and baby Dixie RIP my sweet Lucy |
11-20-2006, 02:05 PM | #12 |
Senior Yorkie Talker Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: MO
Posts: 112
| I think you have already made your decision. I have not been in your shoes...but even when both parents are involved, both emotionally and financially....times can still be diffucult. You do what you can and things some how work out! Believe me....I know! Any time I was worried financially about how we were going to make ends meet....it always worked out. Look at it this way.....you will not be the first mother to go through this without the father involved. There are plenty of people out there that didn't have a biological father or mother in their life that have turned out to be wonderful, successful human beings. It sounds like you will have a lot of support emotionally, as well as financially...if needed, from your wonderful family. You sound like a very smart girl.....I say follow your instinct....only you know what is best for you and your baby. Good luck with what ever decision you make.
__________________ ~~~Tina and Scooter~~~ |
11-20-2006, 02:18 PM | #13 |
I heart Hootie & Hobbs Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: USA
Posts: 7,149
| Whether the father likes it or not, and whether the father chooses to be a part of the baby's life or not, he is still legally obligated to help PAY for the baby. Tell him that he doesn't have to be a part of the baby's life, but take him to court for child support. They will start drafting monthly sums of money out of his paycheck before he even gets his paycheck and taht money will come to you for child support. He cannot get out of this so easily. He is obligated under the law to help take care of this baby financially, if nothing else. And you are absolutely correct...if everyone waited until they were financially able to have children, NO ONE would have children. I was a complete accident. My parents were married, but they weren't "ready" to have children yet. My mom always tells me that she was so glad that I was an "accident" bc she said she never would have been "Ready" to have children. |
11-20-2006, 06:37 PM | #14 |
Senior Yorkie Talker Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: Florida
Posts: 166
| I ended up raising six children alone when my oldest son was 11. I admit some nights I would cry myself to sleep wondering how I would make it but I have a deep christian faith and I knew things would work out and they did. Oh, it was hard with no help from their father but they really were better off without him in their lives. We never had much but we had the necessities. I kept them in a home with food on the table and they were neat and clean. I found myself thinking that I had to be a pillar of steel but we were going to survive. Yes, I had to have financial and medical help from the state. I was humiliated but had no choice at the time. After five years I got myself together and the only form of help I received was rental assistance. I got a job and ended up buying a house under a special program. I went many years alone but my children were my utmost priority. Of course they are grown now and missed out on not having a father but they always have had dear ole' mom. I've been mom and dad to them as best I could and each year they'll still call on mother's day and father's day to send their wishes! I have a wonderful husband now. I was alone for 12 years and met this man at the courthouse where I worked. I knew then that everything had just fallen into place in my life and I have no regrets. You will be strong and do what you have to do for your child. I hope my story lessens your burden of worry. You will be just fine if you want to be. Best wishes to you now and always. |
11-20-2006, 07:02 PM | #15 |
No Longer a Member Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 6,111
| Its funny that we as woman get the 'choice' of what we want to do with 'our' babies..whether that means to keep, adopt or abort...but a man get absolutely no say.. If he dosent want to be a part of the babies life if we keep it...we force him to by making him pay support. In my situation we kept our baby, got married, had two more kids, divorced yada yada yada...he pays support, sees and loves his children...BUT...had he decided from day one he didnt want to be a part of a babies life..I would have had him sign off on the child...just like I would had I adopted the baby out...why dont men get a say from day one like we do?? I mean if they have decided to be a part of the childs life..then that is what they agree to no matter what happens...but if they decide not to be a part of their lives..why force it?? Sure he helped create the child...but when we decide to abort or adopt out a child that WE helped create..then its ok?? Just the flip side and my own opinion... Dawn |
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