Terrified of leaving my girls with a pet sitter

[broodizt]

Originally Posted by Ellie May

We have someone with dementia in the family. Also lived with my gpa fot many years bc my mom was there to help him out. Oh my the attitudes and with dementia, the tantrums...

i'm not sure how it works in your state, but my assumption is those with dementia have a guardian there. He is probably extremely intelligent and able to make sound decisions a lot of the time, but obviously not all the time. So if he had a guardian this would be taken out of his hands. I do understand this is really difficult. I do think if it is to the point where he is controlling and/or manipulating you and/or making unwise choices that you can't reSonably control and/or you are so exhausted from it all it ay be time to look at other living arrangements for him.

Honestly, this is how I feel - if my parents cannot accept that my dog goes on vacay with me, hen I am not going to go if I do not want to.

In this state of mental health, it would be unsafe for him to run around making his own decisions. Somebody has to have control of him.

As I am reading and re reading your responses, they make such total sense, and they are so obvious. Why does the community not support families who are caregiving their elderly parents. Why don't the doctors and the law? They impede families ability to have some control in their parents lives and make it a hell on earth. I do understand why some children just throw up their hands and give up, leaving their parents to their own devices. Believe me, I have felt that way more than once. I know my mom wanted my dad to live with me when she died. But if he is so unhappy here, and longs for freedom and a new wife, maybe I should just let him go. I don't know what is right any more.

[msyorktown]

Originally Posted by broodizt

He has no living siblings. Many of my mothers friends are just dying to go with him. They want to convince him to be their husband or partner and live with them back east. They want a man. They would be doing it for themselves and not for him. When I spoke to one of my mothers friends she interrogated me as to whether or not he is seeing anyone or has a girlfriend, and does he really like her. Several times that I spoke with her I have told her over and over again that the man has dementia. She yes's me to death, but refuses to believe me, calls him constantly, and lets my father sweet talk her into thinking he is in love with her. Then she writes him letters about letting her prove her love to him. She refuses to accept that he has dementia although she says she understands when I talk to her, and then goes on undaunted pursing an affair with my father. It's nuts. Do these women sound like good people to leave him with????

I don't get it.. What is wrong with people??? So from what I gather even having POA...Its useless?? So why even have it?? And you do have power of attorney over his finances? But that still gives you no control?? You are the one that has been watching/caring for him for what 10 years now?? And the doctors wont listen to you?? This is soo frustrating!! If he is so unhappy with you, for me personally I would be saying 'fine then go'. I know this isn't what you wanted to hear, but what else can you do? You have no recourse but to let him do what he wants to do. There is no way you can leave your babies with just anyone just to suit one of his whims. He's been travelling thus far all over the world..what more does he want.
Seems he's really manipulative with everyone around him. That with vultures circling...just waiting to snap him up.
He's lucky to have had you for this long, putting up this. Hunny you have a life to live as well...your first priority should be YOU, and your babies. Sorry not your father. I think it is time to live your life for yourself, instead of worrying yourself sick for someone who is unwilling to at least compromise. Sweetie stress can really do a number on your health...what happens if you now become ill?? What happens then.
He's being very selfish, in expecting you to leave the girls, one with AAI to boot. You have to do what is best for you, no one else, just you.
You have done all you can for him thus far, its time for you now.

[nanahas3]

My father passed a couple of years ago from dementia and he was like this also about wanting to travel and relive his past. It is a very difficult situation as you want to do all in your power for them their remaining time with you. I think it is part of the disease them thinking they can still be attractive to women in that way etc. I have always regretted that I didn't do more to make dads wishes come true but like you I had situations that prevented it. In the long run I think dad in his right mind would of understood completely. I wish I had answers for you. Good luck and God bless.

[nanahas3]

Oh I meant to add these lady friends of his who are calling I would secretly block their numbers from being able to call him. As for the state stepping in or the doctors sadly it just doesn't happen. My dad would decide to just take off walking as we had taken his keys and my mom talked to them about a nursing home and was told that as long as he was "in his right mind" we had no say in what he did. I was like wth he has dementia but they said that did not mean he couldn't make his own decisions.

[gracielove]

I have some experience with these situations both with my grandfather and at work. My grandparents retired in Florida. When my grandmother died suddenly about 16 years later it was not long before my grandfather became a magnet to all the widow women in the retirement community. They were on him like flies. There is a shortage of males in the elderly community. I guess because the females tend to out live the males in our society. I was amazed at how forward some of them were. Eventually his mind started to fail. Family had to make the trip down there to do what had to be done to get him off the road before he hurt himself or someone else. He was not a happy camper but it had to be done. No one would have stopped him until something awful happened unless the family had stepped in.

I have seen elderly people talk physicians into signing their eye test slips even though the people could hardly get themselves into the office. They play on the sympathy of the doctors. I think some doctors see them as parent figures. I remember one elderly lady who was also a cancer survivor. She could hardly walk but could still get behind the wheel of a car. I had to use a pediatric blood pressure cuff on her she was so thin and her pressure so low. She did not belong on the road. She could have hurt herself and someone else but she told the doctor that she just needed to be able to drive so she could get out of the house to have time away from her husband! The doctor had been her family physician for several years and she could twist him around her finger.

It sounds like your dad is very capable of persuading people also. You need to either call or write to his primary care physician and tell him the facts. Let him/her know that you are alarmed that your father has been allowed to continue to drive considering the health issues he has been through and his present condition. If you let them know that you have observed actions or symptoms that could endanger him or someone else(especially while driving) they will change their attitude quickly. When a family member gets involved things get taken care of. Physicians are only human and can be intimidated by people with personalities like your father's just as others are. There are a huge amount of motor vehicle accident caused by elderly drivers. My brother was afraid to let his pregnant wife drive in the area of Florida they lived in because of the number of elderly drivers on the road. They get thinking about other things and end up causing terrible accidents.

Although your dad is quite set in his ways you have to be able to stand up to him for your own sake as well as to protect him from himself. He is at that point in life where the roles have switched and you are dealing with someone who cannot make proper decisions for himself. He may think he can but just like a inexperienced teenager he really is no longer capable of making sound decisions and needs you to keep him from making serious mistakes. He may not like it but it is one of the difficulties of aging. You may want to call your area office for the aging as well as some other agencies that can help you deal with what you are going through. You are not alone. There are many families going through what you are facing and there are people who can talk to you and support you in this.

[abbey46923]

Originally Posted by gracielove

I have some experience with these situations both with my grandfather and at work. My grandparents retired in Florida. When my grandmother died suddenly about 16 years later it was not long before my grandfather became a magnet to all the widow women in the retirement community. They were on him like flies. There is a shortage of males in the elderly community. I guess because the females tend to out live the males in our society. I was amazed at how forward some of them were. Eventually his mind started to fail. Family had to make the trip down there to do what had to be done to get him off the road before he hurt himself or someone else. He was not a happy camper but it had to be done. No one would have stopped him until something awful happened unless the family had stepped in.

I have seen elderly people talk physicians into signing their eye test slips even though the people could hardly get themselves into the office. They play on the sympathy of the doctors. I think some doctors see them as parent figures. I remember one elderly lady who was also a cancer survivor. She could hardly walk but could still get behind the wheel of a car. I had to use a pediatric blood pressure cuff on her she was so thin and her pressure so low. She did not belong on the road. She could have hurt herself and someone else but she told the doctor that she just needed to be able to drive so she could get out of the house to have time away from her husband! The doctor had been her family physician for several years and she could twist him around her finger.

It sounds like your dad is very capable of persuading people also. You need to either call or write to his primary care physician and tell him the facts. Let him/her know that you are alarmed that your father has been allowed to continue to drive considering the health issues he has been through and his present condition. If you let them know that you have observed actions or symptoms that could endanger him or someone else(especially while driving) they will change their attitude quickly. When a family member gets involved things get taken care of. Physicians are only human and can be intimidated by people with personalities like your father's just as others are. There are a huge amount of motor vehicle accident caused by elderly drivers. My brother was afraid to let his pregnant wife drive in the area of Florida they lived in because of the number of elderly drivers on the road. They get thinking about other things and end up causing terrible accidents.

Although your dad is quite set in his ways you have to be able to stand up to him for your own sake as well as to protect him from himself. He is at that point in life where the roles have switched and you are dealing with someone who cannot make proper decisions for himself. He may think he can but just like a inexperienced teenager he really is no longer capable of making sound decisions and needs you to keep him from making serious mistakes. He may not like it but it is one of the difficulties of aging. You may want to call your area office for the aging as well as some other agencies that can help you deal with what you are going through. You are not alone. There are many families going through what you are facing and there are people who can talk to you and support you in this.

Very well said "gracilove"....everything you said is right on. My mom is not old at all, she is only 77 yrs old, her damentia started about 5yrs ago, i have had to over look every aspect of her well being, even though she is in a NH i have to constantly keep track of her meds and anything that she needs or wants, NH's get over whlemed and unfortuanatley things get over looked or changed by the Dr and they don't always notice that things are not right with the patient. The NH is very good, but due to govt. staff is very short handed and the staff is very good and patient with any concerns i have with my mom's care and usually makes any changes i feel are in my moms best interest.
You are your dads "voice" if you are his care taker it is up to you to search for outside services that can come in and help you evaluate his mental state of mind, and they can help you to get the help you need to best care for him and insure his saftey and the saftey of others. Not sure where you live, but here in In. i am POA over my mom and that gives me the "right" to care for mom's every need, be it her health or finance's. Believe me, it is not a role that i take pleasure in, but it is one that i have to do in order to keep my mom safe. Please look into outside services for the elderly to come in and help you make the right choice's for your dad, and keep intervening the women looking for anyone to care for them. Please, please get help. I am going to PM you a bit more info that i would rather not post here. Good luck.

[broodizt]

Originally Posted by nanahas3

Oh I meant to add these lady friends of his who are calling I would secretly block their numbers from being able to call him. As for the state stepping in or the doctors sadly it just doesn't happen. My dad would decide to just take off walking as we had taken his keys and my mom talked to them about a nursing home and was told that as long as he was "in his right mind" we had no say in what he did. I was like wth he has dementia but they said that did not mean he couldn't make his own decisions.

I would love to be able to do that, nanahas3, but how do I keep him from calling HER??? And how do I keep him from calling the phone company telling them his phone is broken because his friend can't get through to him? And she has my number too and would and has called on my phone. These friends have known my parents for years, since they were in grade school, so they have each others numbers. This woman was one of my mothers best friends. And how do you block a number anyway? Is this a dumb question? I've never had to do this.
Shellie :-)

[broodizt]

Originally Posted by abbey46923

Very well said "gracilove"....everything you said is right on. My mom is not old at all, she is only 77 yrs old, her damentia started about 5yrs ago, i have had to over look every aspect of her well being, even though she is in a NH i have to constantly keep track of her meds and anything that she needs or wants, NH's get over whlemed and unfortuanatley things get over looked or changed by the Dr and they don't always notice that things are not right with the patient. The NH is very good, but due to govt. staff is very short handed and the staff is very good and patient with any concerns i have with my mom's care and usually makes any changes i feel are in my moms best interest.
You are your dads "voice" if you are his care taker it is up to you to search for outside services that can come in and help you evaluate his mental state of mind, and they can help you to get the help you need to best care for him and insure his saftey and the saftey of others. Not sure where you live, but here in In. i am POA over my mom and that gives me the "right" to care for mom's every need, be it her health or finance's. Believe me, it is not a role that i take pleasure in, but it is one that i have to do in order to keep my mom safe. Please look into outside services for the elderly to come in and help you make the right choice's for your dad, and keep intervening the women looking for anyone to care for them. Please, please get help. I am going to PM you a bit more info that i would rather not post here. Good luck.

Thank you for your response. This is such a dilemma. My father has already been evaluated by the VA Geriatric unit in La Jolla and they say he has vascular dementia and this was three years ago after my mother died. I am managing his medications his doctors appointments, his meals, etc. He is getting all that he needs. I take him everywhere he wants to go by car, as the DMV finally pulled his license after I wrote them and begged them to stop giving him chances to pass the test. I told them about the time he almost killed us when we went to VSH in San Diego for my baby Muffin, and he stopped in the middle of the road with oncoming traffic heading straight for us and we escaped death by the width of a hair. I have called the Office on Aging and there are no support or caregiver groups in my area, believe me, I tried to find one. I even asked the visiting nurses to look into it for me after he came home from the hospital after his pacemaker surgery. They never helped me. But I am encouraged to try again. Maybe some new group has popped up somewhere. So it is not my father that is not getting what he needs. He is doing great physically. I see o that. I am the one not getting what I need to keep him safe. I need the support of law enforcement, the community, his doctors and the courts, and they do not support me. He is not in a Nursing Home, and he can do whatever he wants and legally there is nothing I can do to stop him. Unfortunately the community will not support me. And this is the help I really need. I know this is hard to believe. I would never have believed it myself and I am a retired social worker. I believed that doctors would cooperate with family to help keep elderly people safe, and that the law would support family members in trying to keep their elderly parents safe, but believe it or not, it doesn't work that way. It really doesn't. Freedom of will and to do what you want, even if it is unsafe, is paramount and trumps any safety issues. Unless a court of law delclares you incompetent, (and judges are LOATHE to do this because it takes away certain freedoms-you have to been really really very far gone before a judge will do this) a person with dementia can do whatever they want and there is nothing a family member can do. Even with power of attorney. Someone asked, so what good is getting power of attorney if it means nothing until the person is willing to let you take over or is completely comotose and truly is unable to make decisions for themselves. The answer is, it's NO GOOD. I have found this out the hard way by banging my head against a brick wall. It's very very sad for family and loved ones they are trying to protect. It's like having a two year old or a teenager with the terrible twos all over again, only they aren't children, and you can't control them and they can do whatever they want if they have some clarity of mind to do so. Even if it isn't in their own best interests. Thats the law. It's truly unbelievable.

I am so so sorry for such a long post. I ran away with myself for a moment there. Please forgive me.
Shellie

[broodizt]

"It sounds like your dad is very capable of persuading people also. You need to either call or write to his primary care physician and tell him the facts. Let him/her know that you are alarmed that your father has been allowed to continue to drive considering the health issues he has been through and his present condition. If you let them know that you have observed actions or symptoms that could endanger him or someone else(especially while driving) they will change their attitude quickly. When a family member gets involved things get taken care of. Physicians are only human and can be intimidated by people with personalities like your father's just as others are. There are a huge amount of motor vehicle accident caused by elderly drivers. My brother was afraid to let his pregnant wife drive in the area of Florida they lived in because of the number of elderly drivers on the road. They get thinking about other things and end up causing terrible accidents."

Gracielove, my father is no longer driving a car, because of the letter I wrote them in private, begging them to stop giving him chances to take and retake the test ad infinitum, not because of his doctors, because I did everything you said above, and they did not change their attitude at all. Their allegiance is to their patient, not the family, and especially not the children. They do not want to anger, lose or alienate a patient, and will absolutely not write to the DMV to tell them they don't want my father driving. I found out the hard way, I am very sorry to say. And as I posted in another message, these doctors are the best doctors in the business, some of them are famous and are celebrated, so I don't want him to switch doctors. I want him to have the very best, and he does, so switching is not an option or else I would get him other doctors and try with a new set of doctors. But I will not compromise his health like that. So I am meeting brick walls wherever I turn. It turns out to be very complicated in this society. I am losing my will to continue fighting with him and trying to protect him, now, from these women who are on him like flies. I am thinking if he wants to go to my mothers friend so much on the east coast, maybe I should just let him go. I know my mothers wishes were that he live with me and have me care for him, but I am only a human being. I can only take so much. Maybe I will be able to find someone that I would feel really really safe in leaving my babies with, and that would solve at least one problem. It's not an easy life. Sigh. Thank you all so much for your support and caring, it is the only support I have ever gotten in this situation. It means so much to me. Thank you so much again.

Shellie

[broodizt]

Originally Posted by msyorktown

I don't get it.. What is wrong with people??? So from what I gather even having POA...Its useless?? So why even have it?? And you do have power of attorney over his finances? But that still gives you no control?? You are the one that has been watching/caring for him for what 10 years now?? And the doctors wont listen to you?? This is soo frustrating!! If he is so unhappy with you, for me personally I would be saying 'fine then go'. I know this isn't what you wanted to hear, but what else can you do? You have no recourse but to let him do what he wants to do. There is no way you can leave your babies with just anyone just to suit one of his whims. He's been travelling thus far all over the world..what more does he want.
Seems he's really manipulative with everyone around him. That with vultures circling...just waiting to snap him up.
He's lucky to have had you for this long, putting up this. Hunny you have a life to live as well...your first priority should be YOU, and your babies. Sorry not your father. I think it is time to live your life for yourself, instead of worrying yourself sick for someone who is unwilling to at least compromise. Sweetie stress can really do a number on your health...what happens if you now become ill?? What happens then.
He's being very selfish, in expecting you to leave the girls, one with AAI to boot. You have to do what is best for you, no one else, just you.
You have done all you can for him thus far, its time for you now.

msyorktown:

Everything you said above is right on, you have him pegged!!! You're right, the POA is really useless unless the person goes along with you as their decision maker, is too out of it to fight you on it, or is comatose or on a vent or something. If your family member does not fight you, and accepts you as the decision maker, then you can take control, but if the person fights you on it, and wants to maintain their own control, they have that right legally. This is the insane part. I have been told time and time again "having dementia does not make you incompetent". Well then, what on earth does????? Goodness, what does a person have to do to before they are deemed incompetent? One thing though, I need to clear up. I have been caring for my dad for three years, not ten. My mom passed away three years ago. But these 3 years have seemed like a lifetime, believe me. I am doing it all myself with no family or friends around to help. My dearest sister died 7 years ago, and when I lost her, I lost my world. That is why my babies are so important to me. They are my fur babies and they mean everything to me. The whole situation really reeks!!!

[nanahas3]

Originally Posted by broodizt

msyorktown:

Everything you said above is right on, you have him pegged!!! You're right, the POA is really useless unless the person goes along with you as their decision maker, is too out of it to fight you on it, or is comatose or on a vent or something. If your family member does not fight you, and accepts you as the decision maker, then you can take control, but if the person fights you on it, and wants to maintain their own control, they have that right legally. This is the insane part. I have been told time and time again "having dementia does not make you incompetent". Well then, what on earth does????? Goodness, what does a person have to do to before they are deemed incompetent? One thing though, I need to clear up. I have been caring for my dad for three years, not ten. My mom passed away three years ago. But these 3 years have seemed like a lifetime, believe me. I am doing it all myself with no family or friends around to help. My dearest sister died 7 years ago, and when I lost her, I lost my world. That is why my babies are so important to me. They are my fur babies and they mean everything to me. The whole situation really reeks!!!

We were told that with my dad to and I like you do not understand what it means if not losing a part of your mind. He would have days where if the doors were not locked he would go out to get the paper in the nude (or try to) thank goodness we always caught him in time. My dad was the most modest person in the world before this horrible disease. I am so sorry you are going through this. I know how awful it is for you. Sending prayers your way.

[abbey46923]

Originally Posted by broodizt

Thank you for your response. This is such a dilemma. My father has already been evaluated by the VA Geriatric unit in La Jolla and they say he has vascular dementia and this was three years ago after my mother died. I am managing his medications his doctors appointments, his meals, etc. He is getting all that he needs. I take him everywhere he wants to go by car, as the DMV finally pulled his license after I wrote them and begged them to stop giving him chances to pass the test. I told them about the time he almost killed us when we went to VSH in San Diego for my baby Muffin, and he stopped in the middle of the road with oncoming traffic heading straight for us and we escaped death by the width of a hair. I have called the Office on Aging and there are no support or caregiver groups in my area, believe me, I tried to find one. I even asked the visiting nurses to look into it for me after he came home from the hospital after his pacemaker surgery. They never helped me. But I am encouraged to try again. Maybe some new group has popped up somewhere. So it is not my father that is not getting what he needs. He is doing great physically. I see o that. I am the one not getting what I need to keep him safe. I need the support of law enforcement, the community, his doctors and the courts, and they do not support me. He is not in a Nursing Home, and he can do whatever he wants and legally there is nothing I can do to stop him. Unfortunately the community will not support me. And this is the help I really need. I know this is hard to believe. I would never have believed it myself and I am a retired social worker. I believed that doctors would cooperate with family to help keep elderly people safe, and that the law would support family members in trying to keep their elderly parents safe, but believe it or not, it doesn't work that way. It really doesn't. Freedom of will and to do what you want, even if it is unsafe, is paramount and trumps any safety issues. Unless a court of law delclares you incompetent, (and judges are LOATHE to do this because it takes away certain freedoms-you have to been really really very far gone before a judge will do this) a person with dementia can do whatever they want and there is nothing a family member can do. Even with power of attorney. Someone asked, so what good is getting power of attorney if it means nothing until the person is willing to let you take over or is completely comotose and truly is unable to make decisions for themselves. The answer is, it's NO GOOD. I have found this out the hard way by banging my head against a brick wall. It's very very sad for family and loved ones they are trying to protect. It's like having a two year old or a teenager with the terrible twos all over again, only they aren't children, and you can't control them and they can do whatever they want if they have some clarity of mind to do so. Even if it isn't in their own best interests. Thats the law. It's truly unbelievable.

I am so so sorry for such a long post. I ran away with myself for a moment there. Please forgive me.
Shellie

I have to agree with pretty much everything you say, POA is no good if the person is not willing to let you take care of these matters and is still able to make their own choices, even if they are wrong choice's.
I feel so bad for you being in this position, it takes a strong person to be able to care for a loved one with this disease, it is a terrible way to live, unfortunatley it may take your dad having an accident before you finally get help. But please keep looking for help for yourself and your dad. I pray you find the help before it is to late.

[msyorktown]

broodzit
I really feel for you. It is truly sad that you have no support from 'the powers that be' The man has dementia, but that doesn't make him incompetent??? So please tell me what does it take to be incompetent...does he have to hurt himself, or someone else before this happens??
This whole thing is just heartbreaking. And it makes me angry as well, not at you...I dont even know who to get mad at!!
So frustrating, i really hope you can find some kind of help, somehow, someway.
I'm sorry you are going through this, wish i could be of more help..
Jacqui

[broodizt]

Originally Posted by msyorktown

broodzit
I really feel for you. It is truly sad that you have no support from 'the powers that be' The man has dementia, but that doesn't make him incompetent??? So please tell me what does it take to be incompetent...does he have to hurt himself, or someone else before this happens??
This whole thing is just heartbreaking. And it makes me angry as well, not at you...I dont even know who to get mad at!!
So frustrating, i really hope you can find some kind of help, somehow, someway.
I'm sorry you are going through this, wish i could be of more help..
Jacqui

Jacqui,

Your help is amazing, YOU are amazing. Thank you for being there. You will never know who much your help means to me and how much it means that you are still here with me on this very long thread. Your caring, your willingness to share your time, which is precious and in short supply for all of us these days, well, there is really no way to say "Thank You" enough. You deserve so much more, but it is all I have to give right now. It seems so inadequate, but it will have to do, I guess. Thank you for all your caring, your time, your wisdom and your heart. Many blessings to you.

Much love,
Shellie

[msyorktown]

Originally Posted by broodizt

Jacqui,

Your help is amazing, YOU are amazing. Thank you for being there. You will never know who much your help means to me and how much it means that you are still here with me on this very long thread. Your caring, your willingness to share your time, which is precious and in short supply for all of us these days, well, there is really no way to say "Thank You" enough. You deserve so much more, but it is all I have to give right now. It seems so inadequate, but it will have to do, I guess. Thank you for all your caring, your time, your wisdom and your heart. Many blessings to you.

Much love,
Shellie

That is very sweet of you to say, i really do appreciate it. Shellie if you ever need a shoulder to cry on or an ear to speak to please, please pm me...i will send my number, you can call me anytime.
Bless you baby,
Jacqui