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Old 08-04-2012, 08:40 PM   #1
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Default Terrified of leaving my girls with a pet sitter

I have a major problem in my life. I am so torn between my elderly father (90 yo) with some dementia who wants to travel "before I die" he says (I am his caregiver, although he doesn't think he needs one) and leaving the two loves of my life, my babies Muffin and Cassie with a Pet Sitter. My father absolutely refuses to take them with us and refuses to travel with them. I am at a loss about finding a Pet Sitter that I can feel safe in leaving them with. I don't know anyone and I have no family who could do this for me. The history goes like this. Two years ago I went back east for my mothers funeral (and to be with family), for 12 days and I left my two girls with my local vet who seemed very caring and conscientious. When I came home, one of my girls, Muffin, the younger one who was only 1 1/2 Years Old was dying of heavy metal poisoning from a combination of rabies and another shot given to her at the Vets the night I came home to pick them up. This is a whole other story, but Muffin survived because of a miraculous holistic Vet I found that saved her life. Now two years later, I find that my smaller little one has AAI and it is inoperable. She is only two pounds and both of them need special attention and caring. I know I could travel with them okay, and I trust I would be able to care for them perfectly , but my dad, who says he's "trapped" here and will die here without ever going anywhere else again- is refusing to travel with the girls. He just wants to have a good time and doesn't' want to worry about them, although he says he loves them. I am worried sick about finding a sitter who will take excellent care of my two babies, especially after what happened with Muffin. Now with Cassie's AAI diagnosis (and she is only 2.5 lbs) and her needing especially gentle careful handling and attention, well I am just overwhelmed and I don't know what to do. My dad lives with me, and I don't want him to feel "trapped". But my girls are everything to me and their safety is paramount to everything. I am so upset and torn. What do I do? How do I find a pet sitter I can feel safe with? Is my dad being unreasonable? Am I, by wanting to take them with me? I would be grateful for any advice given.
TIA
Shellie :-)
PS Sorry for such a long post
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Old 08-04-2012, 08:54 PM   #2
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I'm sorry you are going thru this it's a tough situation and decision that you have to make. How are you all going to travel? I would try and compromise with your father. Or let him know how you really feel tell him that you don't want him to feel trapped but at the same time you don't feel right leaving your girls with just any one or maybe an ultimatum or something I know it's easier said then done... Good luck with your father
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Old 08-04-2012, 09:03 PM   #3
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Wow, that is an awful situation. I know you love your father and want him to be happy, but of course you need your babies to be safe, too. Especially after that bad experience, I totally understand not wanting to leave them with anyone. Does that holistic vet you mention do boarding or have any recommendations? In what way does your father think taking them with will hamper his good time? Could you possibly compromise with him some way? Is there any other family member who could take your dad on his vacation?
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Old 08-05-2012, 01:03 AM   #4
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I'm sorry you are going thru this it's a tough situation and decision that you have to make. How are you all going to travel? I would try and compromise with your father. Or let him know how you really feel tell him that you don't want him to feel trapped but at the same time you don't feel right leaving your girls with just any one or maybe an ultimatum or something I know it's easier said then done... Good luck with your father
Thanks for replying yorkielover916. We would travel by air as we are going from west coast to east coast. I have told him repeatedly that I would never leave the girls again. He doesn't accept this and insists that I find a sitter for them so we can go to Florida, New York, on Cruises, etc. I guess he feels as if this is his last hurrah, being as elderly as he is and he wants to party. I do have to tell you that this man has traveled extensively throughout Europe when he and my mom were younger and my sister and I were kids. They put us in camp so that they could travel, as his boss paid for all his vacations. So it's not like he never traveled before. Since my mothers death he has been bored I think and wanting to relive his past. He comes on to women, pines away that he is not as handsome as he was and longs to be a world traveler. I think part of his inappropriate behavior is due to the dementia, but I just think he wants what he wants and doesn't worry that much about the girls. I think its more important to him to have what he wants, than for them to be truly save. Maybe I shouldn't say that, after all he is 90 years old and wants to enjoy his later years. I feel like I am being torn in half. :-(
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Old 08-05-2012, 01:21 AM   #5
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Wow, that is an awful situation. I know you love your father and want him to be happy, but of course you need your babies to be safe, too. Especially after that bad experience, I totally understand not wanting to leave them with anyone. Does that holistic vet you mention do boarding or have any recommendations? In what way does your father think taking them with will hamper his good time? Could you possibly compromise with him some way? Is there any other family member who could take your dad on his vacation?
Thanks for responding. I am definitely going to ask my wholistic vet if she has anyone she totally and completely trusts who would watch them. I do this with a hole in my heart. But she is brilliant and loving, and if there is someone whom she feels confident enough in to recommend, then i would be willing to bite the bullet and try to do this for him. It would be so very hard, but I would try to do this for him, as I am his only child, as my younger sister died 7 years ago and now with my mom gone, I'm really the only nuclear family he has left. As to what way he thinks they will hamper his good time, he is very vague about this. He says they are fragile and need a lot of care and we would have to consider them wherever and whenever we went somewhere and some places don't accept dogs, and they might get sick or need care which might all be true more or less, to some extent. He just doesn't want to have to accommodate for them on his good time. He wants to do what he wants to do without having to worry about their safety, their health, or their good or bad experiences. Having dogs with you does limit you in some way, this is true, and he doesn't want to be limited or have to worry about them...Cassie and Muffin are my babies, not his. So although he says he loves animals and feels compassion for them, when it gets right down to the nitty gritty, he really doesn't want to be put out. For me, having them with me at all times, especially on vacation, is a joy. I want to go everywhere with them together, rather than leave them at home and worry about them back home. But not everyone is like me, and he's obviously not at all like this. There is no family who could go with him on his vacations. My children are all far away and have busy lives. Other family are about the same, far away with busy lives. We have a very very small family to begin with, so there really is no one else to ask. I simply don't know what to do.
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Old 08-05-2012, 01:56 AM   #6
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What a dilemma you have here...and I'm so sorry you're experiencing it

I'm in a similar position, but different if that makes sense. I am the care-giver to my parents who are in their mid-80's. They are both still alive though. Also, I only have one Littlie - Harry who is quite a big boy.

However, when THEY want to go away, and I have to take them wherever, they too want it to be 'just the 3 of us' with no restriction. They want to be able to sit in restaurants without thought or rush, and go to the 'best hotels' without worrying if Harry's making a racket in the room - which he does....

Andy (my husband) works really long hours, my sister has cats that HATE Harry....all the reasons go on and on, and they ARE reasons, not excuses. My parents both absolutely ADORE Harry, but - just for those few weeks in the year - they want to do exactly what they want to do without thought or worry.

I truly feel that your holistic vet is the best solution to your problem. That and recommendations from her. I personally put ads in our local paper and in our vet's office. I interviewed absolutely loads of people, took up references IN PERSON, went to their homes, made them come to our home, surveyed for a long time how Harry and 'the person' interacted....until I was totally happy and secure in my heart.

I then chose 2 people, so that they could cover for one another, if need be. I then took Harry to each one and left him just for a day the first time (9-5). Then I did an over-nighter. Gradually building up the time (both for Harry and myself!) I must admit, it works like a dream, and Harry absolutely ADORES Lisa (his main lady).

I do know how awful this is for you, and I truly hope you can sort something out that suits ALL of you. Good luck. Sally + Harry x
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Old 08-05-2012, 02:02 AM   #7
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What a dilemma you have here...and I'm so sorry you're experiencing it

I'm in a similar position, but different if that makes sense. I am the care-giver to my parents who are in their mid-80's. They are both still alive though. Also, I only have one Littlie - Harry who is quite a big boy.

However, when THEY want to go away, and I have to take them wherever, they too want it to be 'just the 3 of us' with no restriction. They want to be able to sit in restaurants without thought or rush, and go to the 'best hotels' without worrying if Harry's making a racket in the room - which he does....

Andy (my husband) works really long hours, my sister has cats that HATE Harry....all the reasons go on and on, and they ARE reasons, not excuses. My parents both absolutely ADORE Harry, but - just for those few weeks in the year - they want to do exactly what they want to do without thought or worry.

I truly feel that your holistic vet is the best solution to your problem. That and recommendations from her. I personally put ads in our local paper and in our vet's office. I interviewed absolutely loads of people, took up references IN PERSON, went to their homes, made them come to our home, surveyed for a long time how Harry and 'the person' interacted....until I was totally happy and secure in my heart.

I then chose 2 people, so that they could cover for one another, if need be. I then took Harry to each one and left him just for a day the first time (9-5). Then I did an over-nighter. Gradually building up the time (both for Harry and myself!) I must admit, it works like a dream, and Harry absolutely ADORES Lisa (his main lady).

I do know how awful this is for you, and I truly hope you can sort something out that suits ALL of you. Good luck. Sally + Harry x
Thank you soooo much for this. I hope so too. :-)
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Old 08-05-2012, 03:02 AM   #8
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I think he is being unreasonable.
You have been kind enough to be his caretaker. Daughter or not, you do not have to do this. He has already travelled a ton. It seems he just wants to do what he wants to do which is probably from the dementia. You don't have to be ordered around because of this. If uou drop your life for a week at a time and fly him all over the place, you DO have a major say in how it is going to go. You don't have to take him at all...

So if you really want to take him, lay ground rules. "The dogs are going or I am not". And don't feel bad about putting the pups first. You really aren't anyway. You have already made major sacrifices for him. Or if he has money to be taking cruises then you could give him the option of hiring a caregiver to take him.

But of course only take the AAI girl if you thinkit is safe...
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Old 08-05-2012, 03:10 AM   #9
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I think he is being unreasonable.
You have been kind enough to be his caretaker. Daughter or not, you do not have to do this. He has already travelled a ton. It seems he just wants to do what he wants to do which is probably from the dementia. You don't have to be ordered around because of this. If uou drop your life for a week at a time and fly him all over the place, you DO have a major say in how it is going to go. You don't have to take him at all...

So if you really want to take him, lay ground rules. "The dogs are going or I am not". And don't feel bad about putting the pups first. You really aren't anyway. You have already made major sacrifices for him. Or if he has money to be taking cruises then you could give him the option of hiring a caregiver to take him.

But of course only take the AAI girl if you thinkit is safe...

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Old 08-05-2012, 03:19 AM   #10
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The truth is there is not any easy answer. I wonder if you could do some combo... Like take some trips with the dogs, some without, and maybe get a caregiver to go with him on some?

Of course you will need a sitter, I agree talk to the vet you like. Maybe you could find a yt member if one of use live at a destination ...for example what port would you cruise out of? I live in Miami maybe I could watch a week...of course I would have to know what I need to do to care for the least one.

Well...I hope I have helped
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Old 08-05-2012, 03:40 AM   #11
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I think he is being unreasonable.
You have been kind enough to be his caretaker. Daughter or not, you do not have to do this. He has already travelled a ton. It seems he just wants to do what he wants to do which is probably from the dementia. You don't have to be ordered around because of this. If uou drop your life for a week at a time and fly him all over the place, you DO have a major say in how it is going to go. You don't have to take him at all...

So if you really want to take him, lay ground rules. "The dogs are going or I am not". And don't feel bad about putting the pups first. You really aren't anyway. You have already made major sacrifices for him. Or if he has money to be taking cruises then you could give him the option of hiring a caregiver to take him.

But of course only take the AAI girl if you thinkit is safe...
Thanks Crystal,
I feel so guilty thinking the above things about my own dad! But he really doesn't seem to appreciate the fact that I am his caregiver, and actually, he wants to go alone if I can't go. He doesn't think he NEEDS a caregiver. He inappropriately comes on to females, (pretty females) and flirts right in front of me. I know he thinks that it is harmless, but all I can think of is my poor mom who was so devoted to him. I know he wants to be young again, who doesn't, but he doesn't seem to accept reality. I keep toying with the idea of just letting him go and do whatever he wants to do alone by himself, but I really do think that would be irresponsible of me. I'm very conflicted! He was tested by the VA's premier Geriatric unit in La Jolla, CA. and they do say he has vascular dementia. Sometimes it is more pronounced than others. I am just so very confused. He was tested 3 years ago, as per my mom's dying wish, "please get your dad tested" she asked me before she passed. She knew there was something wrong with him for a long time. She was afraid of alzheimers. He doesn't have alzheimers, but he does have some kind of dementia, which only gets worse in time, not better. There are times when he is clear, and there are times when he is confused. I don't want him to feel "trapped" living with me....I just don't know what to do. I will talk to my wholistic vet and see what she comes up with.

Thanks,
Shellie
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Old 08-05-2012, 04:02 AM   #12
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The truth is there is not any easy answer. I wonder if you could do some combo... Like take some trips with the dogs, some without, and maybe get a caregiver to go with him on some?

Of course you will need a sitter, I agree talk to the vet you like. Maybe you could find a yt member if one of use live at a destination ...for example what port would you cruise out of? I live in Miami maybe I could watch a week...of course I would have to know what I need to do to care for the least one.

Well...I hope I have helped
Thank you so much for your response. You are so very kind. My dad, though, he is absolutely unmovable about not ever taking the dogs on vacations. He's very stubborn. And he absolutely would never accept a caregiver, he really doesn't think he needs one. As a matter of fact, he even suggested I leave the dogs alone with him while I go on vacation, and then he would want to go alone himself and I stay with the dogs. He is very unrealistic. When I get sick at home, he can't even take the dogs food out and measure the correct amount and put it in their bowels for them. He's seen me do it a thousand times in ten years, over and over, and yet he doesn't know how to do this and asks that I premeasure the raw Halshiens chicken synergy and put it in their bowls when I am very ill. So I end up doing it myself anyway because its more trouble trying to teach him how to do it than doing it myself. All he wants to do is put the bowls down on the floor. And each of the dogs gets a different amount, Cassie gets an ounce and a half and Muffin gets one ounce. The difference is important, and I would have to label each bowl so he would know which is which, and I am concerned that he would STILL get them mixed up. His judgement is very very poor, and has very poor problem solving abilities, comprehension and memory. He also has poor deductive reasoning. All in all, he is not a dependable or reliable person and is very much in denial about what he can handle. But he still fights me on everything I say, on a continuous basis. He doesnt' accept anything I tell him, even though 99% of the time I am always right about the issues he fights me on. Oh I am so sorry for going on and on, it is so hard and frustrating. And I do want him to be happy. After all, he is the only dad I have, and the only family I have left, other than my children who are far away and involved in their own busy lives. I just want my babies to be safe. Thats all. Thanks for listening.
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Old 08-05-2012, 04:15 AM   #13
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The truth is there is not any easy answer. I wonder if you could do some combo... Like take some trips with the dogs, some without, and maybe get a caregiver to go with him on some?

Of course you will need a sitter, I agree talk to the vet you like. Maybe you could find a yt member if one of use live at a destination ...for example what port would you cruise out of? I live in Miami maybe I could watch a week...of course I would have to know what I need to do to care for the least one.

Well...I hope I have helped
Such a lovely suggestion....what a sweet lady you are Sally x
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Old 08-05-2012, 04:49 AM   #14
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Your father is 90 years old. He has lived his life his way for many years. Yes, now he is limited in how much he can do but that is not your fault. He had many good years to do and see the things he wanted to. I think it is wrong for him to put guilt on you for what his life is now. It sounds like you are a very committed daughter who is doing your best to make him happy.

You are not the child anymore. Sometimes it is difficult to change the role you play in someone's life but you are now living your adult life. It is wonderful of you to feel responsible for your father but quite honestly it sounds like he is still trying to play the father role when you are not the child anymore. He will always be your father but you do not have to be the obedient child. Please do what is best for your comfort and your dog's and don't feel guilty. You are being more than kind and respectful to your dad but he needs to show you the same respect by not pressuring you to go against what you feel comfortable with. The dogs are important to you and as such he shouild respect your feelings. I have a feeling that has not been the case up to now.
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Old 08-05-2012, 04:59 AM   #15
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If you don't want to leave them...I wouldn't. Then its HIS decision whether he REALLY wants to go that bad or not. If something were to happen to your dogs if you left them with a sitter.....then YOU would be left with two really bad and negative feelings. Guilt and resentment. Its really HIS problem if he can't share his last few trips in this world with a couple of sweet dogs. You never told him you wouldn't go with him. The ball is in hus court. I wouldn't want to leave dogs that little either.
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