Terrified of leaving my girls with a pet sitter

[wisteria]

Hugs.....this is tough one at best. You have gotten good advise from everyone, check with your vet or a rescue foster mom in your area. Good luck and safe travels.

[abbey46923]

You have been given good advise here, and yes the role has changed for you, you are the parent careing for your parent, and it is a hard role to step into. At 90yrs old is he really capable of traveleing? As for the behaviour, is there a possiblty that it is part of the damentia coming out?
My mom has damentia, and i know that when she is sick or having a bad day there is a side of her that shows up that is very sexually explecit and is definatley not my mom. I hate this disease and what it does to our parents, kind of like a slow death.
I wish you good luck with whatever you decide to do, it's not an easy decision to tell our parents they can't do something even though we know it is for their own saftey.

[Teresa Ford]

I work with seniors that have AD (alzheimers disease) and dementia. Often what they want to do is not safe, not realistic because of health or physical ability, not something they can afford etc. Your first duty is to protect and keep him safe. I know this is sad and may seem underhanded, but you can give your Dad the option to travel with a paid companion or stay home. Explain his doctor will not allow him to travel alone. It will be very expensive for him to travel with a 24 hour companion and will take time to arrange.

[broodizt]

My father has a pacemaker, and has had prostate cancer for years, he has had skin cancer, kidney cancer, has diabetes, HBP, and kidney insufficiency with only one kidney.
With all this he is very strong and mobile. He does not look his age and has lost alot of weight in the past few years. He's in good shape for his age and I do not think his doctors would forbid him to travel. He is very capable of picking up the phone and making his own travel arrangements. He knows how to get people to help him. He talked the dmv into letting continue to take the driving test after failing seven times, and they only stopped letting him take it because I wrote them secretly begging them to let well enough alone and keep him off the road because he is an accident waiting to happen. At this point in time he is continuing to badger the dmv and will not accept their decision. His driving is everything to him. What I am trying to say is, if I say no, he is quite capable of making his own plans, however unsafe, without me. And there are a number of my mothers women friends back east that would welcome him into their arms, and travel with him. He has been calling them and telling them how much he loves them. He even came on to my mom's sister a week after she died. He is a tough one, very difficult. Yes, it is very good advice I have been given and I am very grateful for it.

[Yorkiemom1]

Originally Posted by Ellie May

I think he is being unreasonable.
You have been kind enough to be his caretaker. Daughter or not, you do not have to do this. He has already travelled a ton. It seems he just wants to do what he wants to do which is probably from the dementia. You don't have to be ordered around because of this. If uou drop your life for a week at a time and fly him all over the place, you DO have a major say in how it is going to go. You don't have to take him at all...

So if you really want to take him, lay ground rules. "The dogs are going or I am not". And don't feel bad about putting the pups first. You really aren't anyway. You have already made major sacrifices for him. Or if he has money to be taking cruises then you could give him the option of hiring a caregiver to take him.

But of course only take the AAI girl if you thinkit is safe...

THANK YOU ELLIE MAY!!! I am sorry but this is exactly what I was thinking! If I were you, I would do anything else that he asks or wants, and you are the designated care giver, so it falls right on your shoulders....you do not ever have to look back and say, "I should not have said that", or "I shouldnt have done that"....but I would make ONE unnegotiable rule....I do NOT leave my dogs when we go....I would NOT enjoy myself on these vacations without them, for worrying they were not being cared for properly, so if they dont go, I dont go. PERIOD! I do not think that is being unreasonable at all. It could be considered rather selfish for him to demand you go on these trips, and leave what is most important to you, your babies. PERHAPS YOU COULD HIRE A NANNY TO ACCOMPANY HIM ON HIS ADVENTURE!

[msyorktown]

Oh boy, this is a tough one. Do you have power of attorney? That would give you a say in what he can and cant do.
The doctors wont tell him he cant travel? Why not? From what I'm reading here it isn't safe for him to travel alone...who knows what he will get himself into.
Seems you are stuck between a rock and a hard place.
So he thinks he can do it all himself...thats the dementia talking...clearly he cant, it just isn't safe.
Sorry hunny, but he is being unreasonable...anything can happen to him out there on his own. Does he not realize ppl prey on the elderly...he WILL get taken advantage of if there is no one to look out for him.
You are going to have to take a firm hand and tell him NO. Easier said than done I know.
Maybe talk to the holistic vet and see what she recommends...I wouldn't want to leave my babies with anyone either. If my babies cant come with me, I dont go. Sorry I cant be of more assistance.
Good luck with whatever you decide.
I'm so sorry you are having to go through this.
Bless you for stepping up and taking care of your father.

[msyorktown]

Originally Posted by Yorkiemom1

THANK YOU ELLIE MAY!!! I am sorry but this is exactly what I was thinking! If I were you, I would do anything else that he asks or wants, and you are the designated care giver, so it falls right on your shoulders....you do not ever have to look back and say, "I should not have said that", or "I shouldnt have done that"....but I would make ONE unnegotiable rule....I do NOT leave my dogs when we go....I would NOT enjoy myself on these vacations without them, for worrying they were not being cared for properly, so if they dont go, I dont go. PERIOD! I do not think that is being unreasonable at all. It could be considered rather selfish for him to demand you go on these trips, and leave what is most important to you, your babies. PERHAPS YOU COULD HIRE A NANNY TO ACCOMPANY HIM ON HIS ADVENTURE!

Thank you!!

[Ellie May]

We have someone with dementia in the family. Also lived with my gpa fot many years bc my mom was there to help him out. Oh my the attitudes and with dementia, the tantrums...

i'm not sure how it works in your state, but my assumption is those with dementia have a guardian there. He is probably extremely intelligent and able to make sound decisions a lot of the time, but obviously not all the time. So if he had a guardian this would be taken out of his hands. I do understand this is really difficult. I do think if it is to the point where he is controlling and/or manipulating you and/or making unwise choices that you can't reSonably control and/or you are so exhausted from it all it ay be time to look at other living arrangements for him.

Honestly, this is how I feel - if my parents cannot accept that my dog goes on vacay with me, hen I am not going to go if I do not want to.

In this state of mental health, it would be unsafe for him to run around making his own decisions. Somebody has to have control of him.

[LilyOfTheValley]

Does your father want to travel abroad, because if he does, your Yorkies might have to go into quarantine before they are allowed to enter the country. Plus, if you travel in the states, would you leave them in the hotel room while you are out exploring and dining? The thought of doing that has always scared me, because you can't be sure they will be safe from someone on the hotel staff taking them.

Your dad needs a travel companion, someone who can rein him in if/when he needs it. I don't know how you go about finding one. The best solution would be to find someone to live in your home with your dogs, to give them his/her full attention, 24/7, while you're gone. It would cost a small fortune, I'm sure, but it would be worth the peace of mind.

You're in a tough situation. Maybe one of your mother's friends could go with him, someone who is a widow or widower, who would like an all-expense paid trip with your dad (that he pays for), providing they are someone who can stand up to him if he gets carried away.

BTW, does he have any living brothers or sisters?

[LunasMomma]

Oh my gosh I feel so badly for your situation I'd hold firm on leaving your babies, though, especially your little AAI girl.

It might be time to get a power of attorney for his finances, too. If he's schmoozing up women, one of them could scam him out of all of his money There are SO MANY bad bad women out there just looking for an opportunity to fleece an old gentleman.

Perhaps there are YT'ers in your area that would be willing to dogsit. You'd at least know that your babies would be in good hands.
Hugs to you!!!

[broodizt]

Originally Posted by msyorktown

Oh boy, this is a tough one. Do you have power of attorney? That would give you a say in what he can and cant do.
The doctors wont tell him he cant travel? Why not? From what I'm reading here it isn't safe for him to travel alone...who knows what he will get himself into.
Seems you are stuck between a rock and a hard place.
So he thinks he can do it all himself...thats the dementia talking...clearly he cant, it just isn't safe.
Sorry hunny, but he is being unreasonable...anything can happen to him out there on his own. Does he not realize ppl prey on the elderly...he WILL get taken advantage of if there is no one to look out for him.
You are going to have to take a firm hand and tell him NO. Easier said than done I know.
Maybe talk to the holistic vet and see what she recommends...I wouldn't want to leave my babies with anyone either. If my babies cant come with me, I dont go. Sorry I cant be of more assistance.
Good luck with whatever you decide.
I'm so sorry you are having to go through this.
Bless you for stepping up and taking care of your father.

Hi MSYorktown,

Yes, I do have POA, but there is no real support for this in California without his doctors cooperation and the courts. His doctors have supported him totally even with his terrible driving, very unwilling to write the DMV to tell them he must not drive. He has them snowballed. He charms the pants off of them and calls them darling and tells them how wonderful they are. They love him. He is smart enough to know there is something wrong with him, but unrealistic enough to accept it. So he elicits the help of professionals by shmoozing them. He can be very eloquent, and the care providers do not want to alienate a patient. They have not cooperated with me at all, because when he presents to them he is up on his game. Anyone can seem together if its only for about 10 to 15 minutes. You'd think his doctors would know that, but they don't. Instead they are suspicious of the children of elderly folks thinking they want to control them. I would encourage him to change doctors, but he has the top doctors at Scripps Clinic in La Jolla and there are no better doctors anywhere. He is very lucky to have them because they have saved his life more than once. Some of them are quite famous. So changing doctors is not an option as I want him to have the best. As I've said before, I have the responsibility without any power at all. Legally, he can do anything he wants. He is with it enough so that if I took him to court for incompetence, no judge would ever take his rights away from him. He's not sick enough for that to happen according to the law. So he can go anytime he wants. Maybe I should just let him go and move back east with one of the women who are clammering for a husband from any friend or neighbor who has recently died. He is longing for a romantic relationship and does not realize that these women want to be taken care of in every way including financially. There is one woman who writes him letters telling him she is madly in love with him, that he is a god, and that she wants a chance to prove her love to him. It's very crazy. But maybe I should just let him go if he wants to and hope they will be able to care for him as well as I have and that the doctors there will be as good as here. If that happens, with fares and the girls and my health, I might not ever see my father alive again.

As for talking with my wholistic Vet, I definitely plan on doing that ASAP. Thank you for all your suggestions thoughts and positive energy. This is a tough and complicated situation. If I had the legal support of the state, and the support of his doctors, I would be in a much better position. But I do not.
So it is a very difficult matter. Sorry for the long post. :-(

Thanks, Shellie

[broodizt]

Originally Posted by LunasMomma

Oh my gosh I feel so badly for your situation I'd hold firm on leaving your babies, though, especially your little AAI girl.

It might be time to get a power of attorney for his finances, too. If he's schmoozing up women, one of them could scam him out of all of his money There are SO MANY bad bad women out there just looking for an opportunity to fleece an old gentleman.

Perhaps there are YT'ers in your area that would be willing to dogsit. You'd at least know that your babies would be in good hands.
Hugs to you!!!

Thank you so much!!!. Many women would like to be taken care of by him, financially and whatever other way they think he can care for them. He's a braggart, and feeds them lots of baloney. And yes, he is and can be a charmer. He's good with words. Yes, you are right, there are a number of woman who he befriended, some of them much much younger women, like the hygienist at his dentist, that tell him all their troubles and tell him how much in debt they are and what a jerk their ex husband is. Does this seem appropriate to you? A dental hygienist confiding personal information like that to a man 90 years old? I mean, am I crazy, or what? He says she is just a friend, but before he lost his cell phone, he used to talk to her outside in the garage, hiding away from me. It's all too crazy. The other day he was walking across the living room and some BM fell out of his shorts onto the floor. He wasn't even aware of it. It happened only once, but i wonder if this is the beginning of incontinence. There is so much to worry about.

[broodizt]

I do have POA for his finances, but he is not considered incompetent by the law. They do not see him as I do. They do not see him being incontinent and they would say that has nothing to do with his competence any way. I have to have support from the community, unless he is willing to give me control of his finances, which he is not. So as someone said before, I am stuck between a rock and a hard place.

[broodizt]

Originally Posted by LilyOfTheValley

Does your father want to travel abroad, because if he does, your Yorkies might have to go into quarantine before they are allowed to enter the country. Plus, if you travel in the states, would you leave them in the hotel room while you are out exploring and dining? The thought of doing that has always scared me, because you can't be sure they will be safe from someone on the hotel staff taking them.

Your dad needs a travel companion, someone who can rein him in if/when he needs it. I don't know how you go about finding one. The best solution would be to find someone to live in your home with your dogs, to give them his/her full attention, 24/7, while you're gone. It would cost a small fortune, I'm sure, but it would be worth the peace of mind.

You're in a tough situation. Maybe one of your mother's friends could go with him, someone who is a widow or widower, who would like an all-expense paid trip with your dad (that he pays for), providing they are someone who can stand up to him if he gets carried away.

BTW, does he have any living brothers or sisters?

He has no living siblings. Many of my mothers friends are just dying to go with him. They want to convince him to be their husband or partner and live with them back east. They want a man. They would be doing it for themselves and not for him. When I spoke to one of my mothers friends she interrogated me as to whether or not he is seeing anyone or has a girlfriend, and does he really like her. Several times that I spoke with her I have told her over and over again that the man has dementia. She yes's me to death, but refuses to believe me, calls him constantly, and lets my father sweet talk her into thinking he is in love with her. Then she writes him letters about letting her prove her love to him. She refuses to accept that he has dementia although she says she understands when I talk to her, and then goes on undaunted pursing an affair with my father. It's nuts. Do these women sound like good people to leave him with????

[broodizt]

Originally Posted by LilyOfTheValley

Does your father want to travel abroad, because if he does, your Yorkies might have to go into quarantine before they are allowed to enter the country. Plus, if you travel in the states, would you leave them in the hotel room while you are out exploring and dining? The thought of doing that has always scared me, because you can't be sure they will be safe from someone on the hotel staff taking them.

Your dad needs a travel companion, someone who can rein him in if/when he needs it. I don't know how you go about finding one. The best solution would be to find someone to live in your home with your dogs, to give them his/her full attention, 24/7, while you're gone. It would cost a small fortune, I'm sure, but it would be worth the peace of mind.

You're in a tough situation. Maybe one of your mother's friends could go with him, someone who is a widow or widower, who would like an all-expense paid trip with your dad (that he pays for), providing they are someone who can stand up to him if he gets carried away.

BTW, does he have any living brothers or sisters?

Traveling with the girls is totally unacceptable to him at any cost, and he would never ever consider Europe if the girls were with us. Also, if they were with us in the states I would never leave them alone in a hotel room. I don't know anyone enough to trust them in my house alone, much less with my two precious girls. I would have to be very very sure of these people and get to know them quite well before I would ever consider an arrangement like this. But I am open to finding someone. But where?????