question but please no judging!

[Ponyup]

I think what some people seem to forget is it takes work from both people. I think conseling is a great idea, but if he won't go what then. Or if you try to talk about things & he ignores you or I believe you said you goes to the garage what are supposed to do. I was raised that marriage is forever, however if he were unhappy I would want him to talk to me about it. And if there was nothing I could do to make him happy then I would want him to find happiness elsewhere. I love him to much to have him be miserable just for my sake.

I know how your feeling though. I have dreams about an ex all the time, but I know it's not right & the best person for me is my husband. He's my best friend & the only person I can spend 24-7 with without wanting to kill them. He's the first I want to tell something good are bad too.

Just make sure you really don't love him. Love changes after marriage. It's no longer a silly feeling in your stomach or passion (well I guess it can be, but not in my case). It's more about friendship, respect, trust, & adoration. If you honestly don't love him then it's not fair to him or you or the kids.

However, I do know that I went through a period of about a month when I thought I had fallen out of love with my husband. I was almost ready to tell him that I wasn't in love with him anymore. I was trying to get the courage to tell him when the feeling went away. I know you've been feeling this way for longer so I would imagine it just won't go away, but maybe try & reclaim the magic. Do things you enjoyed doing when you first got together & see if that spark comes back.

But please dont' leave him because someone else looks better, that never works out the way you think it will.

[BabyFidgette]

Originally Posted by Gidget01

You do but you have to be willing to listen to him.

Someone who's on your shoulder that you can see and here. Not a spiritual Godmother.

[Chelsey]

If only we knew then what we know now, it would all be a lot easier huh... thing is, i think we are meant to learn from experience.

Mariage is HARD work, but both have to be willing to work on it (it takes 2 to tango) .... don't live a miserable life and stay for the kids sake, your kids are clever, they pick things up and they know more then we think.
Do what YOU feel you have to do, the only thing i want to add is, don't leave your hubby for another man, it could backfire on you and you honestly DON'T want that to happen.

Good luck, we are here for you.

[Gidget01]

Originally Posted by ytsirk27

Not to be rude..but i have listened to "him". and im still in the same mess and problem im in!

I don't take it rude, cause I didn't say you weren't listening. Be patient maybe he just hasn't answered yet. No need to rush into anything. Enjoy your girls and communicate with you husband. We are yall just speaking our mind. Not forcing anyone to take our advice. That is what we are all here for. Conversation and advice. If we ask for it why should any of us get offended.

[hunniebunnie]

for counseling to work, you have to put in a good faith effort to listen, reflect and work at the problem. if you're just going to through the motions and watching the clock, then it's probably doing very little good.

i'm of the opinion that "divorce" is not necessarily a bad thing. it's people who exploit it and use it casually that makes it "a bad thing". divorce can save you from a very bad situtation with your spouse that's beyond reconciliation. i don't believe in martyrdom, emotional or physical. i think if you can truly validate and understand your reasonings to leave a marriage, if you can truly understand and live with the long term impact on yourself, your spouse, your children, and your families, and a close look at the relationship concludes that being divorced will make you a better daughter, a better mother, a better aunt, a better friend, and a better person all together, then it should be something to consider. (and for those who wonder, yes, i think sometimes i do think it's better to have 2 loving parents in two different homes than 2 bitter parents under one roof).

but it takes a lot to know whether or not you'll be a better person without your spouse and establishing a separate home with your daughters. you really have to understand the root of your problems, the reasoning for it, and how divorce will be part of the solution, and not the beginnings of another problem.

although i do see a lot of valid reasons for people to divorce, i think it needs to be taken as seriously as the vows you have taken to get married to begin with. your reasoning must be more than just "i'm out of love and miserable because of it.". your reasoning must not be because of another person in your life, because a short period of infatuation with another man is not a fair comparison to 9+ years of infatuation, love, frustrations, and compromises. 9+ years of seeing the other person at their worst and at their best does not compare to weeks, months, or even a few years of lust, infatuation, and overall best behavior.

a marriage is not just about love, but also responsibility, respect, and companionship. both parties bears the responsibility of meeting all of these criteria. and fault of any failure to meet all of these rests not only on one person, but both.

if the both of you cannot agree to figure out where the breakdown is, and really TRY to work on resolving any problems that may exist. then it's time to talk about how to dissolve the marriage in the least painful manner.

just my opinion. others may disgree. ultimately it's your decision and your network of support will be there for you. big hugs and good luck.

[GeorgiesMomma]

Originally Posted by ytsirk27

OK...I think we all need to chill out. Kristy..I am not or was not mad at your question. I was just stating that hes not abusive. everybody else. The ones of you that read my thread awhile back knows that this has been an on going issue (my marriage that is). This was brought up way before the ex came into play, and im not even saying hes "in Play". The thought has crossed my mind but right now my focus is my two beautiful daughters. I have talked to my ex. yes, but not for awhile but I saw him yesterday (did not speak). I should not have brought up this thread at all so I am sorry that i did. I look to you guys for opinions and help when im down and usually at the end I feel better but i feel all that has been done today is me opening a great debate that ppl are going to get hurt on so I apologize.

Please don't feel bad that you brought this up, that is what this off topic discussion is for. I know sometimes we have the closest friends in the world that we just can't talk too, and that why it's easier to post it on here. So again please don't feel bad. I am in agreeance with Vanchick that people take marriage very lightly but I am by no means saying that you have. One thing I do think is that you should take time to think about things (not the ex but your marriage and life in general). I remember my SIL told me that the best thing that happened to her as a child was her parents getting divorced she said she always knew they weren't happy and were glad that they finally made the decision not to be together. Whatever you choose is your right and we are here to be supportive of you.

[Breeze]

I think you need to do what you feel is right for you and your children. No one can tell you what to do unless they have been through the same situation, which would be impossible... all people are different and no situations are the same. I think everyone here has done a great job of giving advice but it is up to you. I would like to talk on the phone with you sometime as I would love to help you get through this. I have free long distance. Pm me if you would like to talk, I'm here.

[yougetthesmiles]

Originally Posted by ytsirk27

Have any of you have a "first Love" and over time you lost touch but have come into contact again and there still in your heart and they feel the same but if you were with somebody else should you stick it out with them especially with kids even though your heart is tearing for this other person! (NO judging please) PLEASE no personal pm's my husband reads them!

I have not read all the post yet, but my opinion is, you have to look at all the situations first.
1. are you happy being married to your husband? Does he treat you right? Is he a good father to your children? Do you have good communication?
Ask your self.... what if your husband is talking to his first love.... how would that make you feel if he is talking to someone else?

2. Is this man "your 1st love" married? is he happy in his marriage? does he have children?

You have to really sit down and do the math.
When you said no PM's, your husband reads them, it got me thinking, why does he read them? does he not trust you? or is he just nosey?
My husband does not read my emails, so this just bothers me.

Good luck with what ever your heart chooses!

[Tiggerwit]

Ok, first off, I didn't read all the replies. I think that there is a reason for everything. If this person was the one that was meant to be then you would have waited for him. You wouldn't have taken the steps you did with your now husband. If the other person was to be the one then you guys would have made it clear and he would have done what it took to ensure that i.e. engaged or married you before he left.

I think old feelings are coming to surface of what could have been, but life doesn't work that way. What could have been is the past and you need to focus on the here and now. You are married, you have made a commitment to someone else and until you have exhausted every effort to that commitment then you need to let the other person go. You married your husband for a reason, find those reasons and make them stronger. Only you can make your life what it is. You have the ability to make or break your marriage, you make your own happiness. It's all in the choices we make.

I wish you the best of luck.

[Breeze]

Originally Posted by Tiggerwit

Ok, first off, I didn't read all the replies. I think that there is a reason for everything. If this person was the one that was meant to be then you would have waited for him. You wouldn't have taken the steps you did with your now husband. If the other person was to be the one then you guys would have made it clear and he would have done what it took to ensure that i.e. engaged or married you before he left.

I think old feelings are coming to surface of what could have been, but life doesn't work that way. What could have been is the past and you need to focus on the here and now. You are married, you have made a commitment to someone else and until you have exhausted every effort to that commitment then you need to let the other person go. You married your husband for a reason, find those reasons and make them stronger. Only you can make your life what it is. You have the ability to make or break your marriage, you make your own happiness. It's all in the choices we make.

I wish you the best of luck.

I'm sorry but thats not always true. I did not marry my first true love because of life and its fate and reasons ...... and married someone else. We only lasted for 2 years, 11 months married before I left him.

Several years later I met up with my first true love and we have been together ever since. Just because of choices someone made young does not mean their true love (now husband of 9 years) was not meant to be. I am a perfect example of that.

[ytsirk27]

I want to say he does trust me but yes his very nosy so no replies please. im gone for the day!

[chachi]

If he is nosy enough to check your PMs arent you afraid he could come on here and find this thread?

[ytsirk27]

no, the only reson hed come on here is if he saw an EMAIL thing that i have been getting. I turned it off but I still get them that theres a new reply. so PLEASE NO MORE REPLIES! THANKS

[Bizzymammabee]

Originally Posted by ytsirk27

We do that.. I find myself looking at the watch wanting to leave! Isnt that wrong?

Something is definitely wrong. What is it that is bothering you at this point in the marriage? Will he be open to talking about things?

You know maybe a trial seperation might work so you can reasses things and miss each other. Is there someone close by you can stay with maybe for a week or two to see what is in your head and heart?

Can I ask you something personal..does anyone in your family have any history of depression?

[JCarlson2004]

Originally Posted by chachi

If he is nosy enough to check your PMs arent you afraid he could come on here and find this thread?

I was wondering the same thing.