Women's "duties" around the house

[chachi]

hes not going to change any time soon and this is something you need to consider if you can live with. Housework really wears on you in time. Since I went back to work my husband does help out but Im still doing things like dishes and laundry and such and sometimes I am resentful he doesnt help me with those things but there are certain things hes just not going to do so I have to accept it and in fairness he works too and he takes care of all the finances so he does do his share. I hate housework

[nery87]

I dont have much experience but when my brother and I moved to study at college, he didnt do anything for himself so what I did was, I did half of the chores at the house and obligate him to do half of the others. And since he was really OCD about cleaning, he would do it cause if not the mess would stay. Hope you work out something!!

[LilAnnCamp]

I'm 26 years old. I have been married for 4 years. We have lived together for 6-7 years. I'm the messy one in the house. When I worked we would pretty much 50-50 the chores. The house would be a little messy but now that I'm not working I do most of the chores. With that being said.

My husband still puts his dirty clothes BESIDE the laundry basket. There are ALWAYS shoes all over the house. Although I got plastic containers by each door for the shoes. My husband plays video games too and has to be up to speed on all electronics. My husband always looks over everything. (Ex: He fed the cat and dog each others food while I was gone for 5 days even tho the containers have their names on them) But my husband puts me first on everything. I'm sure... he could come up with a bigger list then this for me. If you don't love the life your in... it is never to late to get out. After reading this thread.... I'm sad and happy. Sad that people go through things like this. And I'm happy that I have the best husband.

[Lisa and Pic]

Interesting topic... I have often felt different types of emotions about my DH not doing much around the house.

Honestly, for my generation (Baby Boomers), I think some of us (women) thought we could do it all, in the work force and at home. It reminds me of the old, old, commercial, "I can bring home the bacon, fry it up in the pan, and never, never let him forget he is a man." (something like that) Does anyone remember that commercial for perfume?

Anyway, I digress... so here we have a whole generation of women going off to work, but not having a generation of men that were used to helping around the house. And, if we did not raise our sons to be helpful, the whole cycle starts over again.

I have learned to pick and choose my battles through the years, and realize that I am going to be the one keeping the house clean because it is more important to me. My DH has lots of other great qualities, so I have accepted this. Kind of a compromise in my own head.

Good luck to you, as you sort through this...

[ironmike86]

Originally Posted by lovespandp

Good man! Sounds 50/50 to me- you take care of her - she takes care of you

If you think about it. If your house is always clean. You basically just quick pick up. I pick up after myself. Cooking/shopping sometime take alot of time.Not everyday. But when you work and include travel and 7-10 hrs a day. 5-6 days a week. I think working is more. Adult kid out of the house. But when she worked it ended up being more work for both of us. Both doing chores both working. I like her home. More relaxing for the both of of. She will work part time when she gets bored but rarely. Always stuff to do if you put your mind to it. I guess all the clothes shopping may wear he feet out. So we have the never ending closet of shoes ??? But now that I think about it she takes care of me and Moki...enough to drive anyone crazy

[rubymoon2072]

Originally Posted by Lisa and Pic

Interesting topic... I have often felt different types of emotions about my DH not doing much around the house.

Honestly, for my generation (Baby Boomers), I think some of us (women) thought we could do it all, in the work force and at home. It reminds me of the old, old, commercial, "I can bring home the bacon, fry it up in the pan, and never, never let him forget he is a man." (something like that) Does anyone remember that commercial for perfume?

Anyway, I digress... so here we have a whole generation of women going off to work, but not having a generation of men that were used to helping around the house. And, if we did not raise our sons to be helpful, the whole cycle starts over again.

I have learned to pick and choose my battles through the years, and realize that I am going to be the one keeping the house clean because it is more important to me. My DH has lots of other great qualities, so I have accepted this. Kind of a compromise in my own head.

Good luck to you, as you sort through this...

agreed and most men in my opinion will never clean like you do. i mean they try but id rather have my dh bring out the trash and fix things and dust!! lol

[rubymoon2072]

one more thing. i know people say it's settling and at times i admit i felt like i did..but looking back today i wouldnt be where i am today without the challenges...the adversity and the pain ive faced (not just dh but all of lifes curveballs). i love who i am today and without all those bumps and pot holes along the road with my dh i wouldnt be me. dont get me wrong if tony were mentally or physically abusive that would be different i wouldnt think you should stay one minute longer. my father beat my mother and if jason ever touched me i wouldve left before he could turn his head and he knew that. i just think you are put where you are for a reason and there is always a lesson to learn from it.

i agree with everyone that you have to do what is best for your soul carmen and i hope you and tony can find a common path that works for both of you. leaving someone doesnt always lead you to the road of self worth...you have to find it yourself no matter who you sleep next to or not next to. know your worth and demand the respect you deserve.

[Lil Sis]

Originally Posted by Lisa and Pic

Interesting topic... I have often felt different types of emotions about my DH not doing much around the house.

Honestly, for my generation (Baby Boomers), I think some of us (women) thought we could do it all, in the work force and at home. It reminds me of the old, old, commercial, "I can bring home the bacon, fry it up in the pan, and never, never let him forget he is a man." (something like that) Does anyone remember that commercial for perfume?

Anyway, I digress... so here we have a whole generation of women going off to work, but not having a generation of men that were used to helping around the house. And, if we did not raise our sons to be helpful, the whole cycle starts over again.

I have learned to pick and choose my battles through the years, and realize that I am going to be the one keeping the house clean because it is more important to me. My DH has lots of other great qualities, so I have accepted this. Kind of a compromise in my own head.

Good luck to you, as you sort through this...

Very well said..."I am woman ..hear me roar""

I do think life is seen through different glasses. What I mean is, if I am in a bad mood (having a pity party so to speak) I could tell you my life story and make you cry. I would focus on the sad events the negative. It would be true but is it the whole story? If I am in a great mood and told my life story (same life) it would sound happy...challenging events at times of hardship but a lot of happiness and blessings. Which is the truth?

It all comes down to you... your mental health, your view of what your life with your bf is and your view of your future. We want you to make the decision with a healthy heart and head. I am not saying leave him...if he was absuing you in any way I would come help you pack..but it does not sound like he is. I am saying ... you change. The only person you have control of is you.

Yes, I have read some of your other post about making good choices on your life. You are getting out more, you are making friends that is sooooo great!! Good first steps. As to going back to NC..well you really never can go home (I understand, I hate Miami I am just a southern girl at heart and would love to move back to Bristol Va)..home is where the people you love are.

Work on ONE thing at a time with him. For example I do have my dh loading and unload the dishwasher... yea!! Small steps. He did remind me I don't give him credit for watering the plants, taking out the garabage, changing all the light blubs etc. You know...he was right

oh well... hope my ramblings help in some small way. What I tell my girls who are around your age....make a list ..pro & cons which side wins?

[celstu1]

Originally Posted by Carmeow

Sorry for the late reply...he felt bad so he took me out to eat I agree, he probably will never change...it's sad that I've began to realize this. I ask myself if I can deal with this my entire life because if we get married, this is how its gonna be. I have dated other guys and he hasnt.

Heres the thing though. We were long distance for three years. It was completely heartbreaking buut we put so much into getting together that it is hard to question if my decision was the right one. He's my best friend, I really do love him with all my heart and have wanted no one else since I was fifteen. IT's hard. I know I have the right to leave him if I wanted, but I gave up my life for him. My friends, my family, my hometown, moved across the country to be with him! I have given him an ultimatum before. Told him I would buy a plane ticket home and never come back if he didnt get his act together. It took him a whole year to get a job but he finally did get one. It's just kinda pathetic...

I know, dont baby him. Ive tried that, trust me, but he will literally let the entire bedroom floor be covered in dirty clothes, dishes overflowing, five trashbags set out. He doesnt get it...what I guess I'm really looking for is how to let myself accept him how he is.

Why do you WANT to accept THAT??? Its gross and it's a LONG lifetime of picking up after him and if you have children, picking up and taking care of them too!

My husband is very self sufficient, and I helped his kids get that way, even though they do their own laundry and clean up the dinner dishes and sometimes even cook dinner, I still need to stay on top of them to change their bedsheets, take their shoes off when they come in or sweep the floor. I still need to clean the bathrooms if I want them done good. I still have a lot of work to keep up with 3 guys in my house and that is when they are all pretty ok about cleaning up after themselves... imagine if you had 2 kids and Tony... you'd be on meds to get through every single day! AARRGGGG

[celstu1]

Originally Posted by Carmeow

Yes, I know your husband is ill and I commend you for staying with him 'in sickness and in health'...with my boyfriends parents its a case of his mom putting up with it for 30 years and finally reaching her breaking point. He has hydrocephalus among a number of other disabilities and was verbally and mentally abusive. So I dont blame his mom for leaving.

I did give up a lot to be with him, but I had three years to think about it and I was not mentally stable while we were apart. I was extremely depressed when we dated long distance. I am happier now, and I've posted threads on YT in the past kind of seeking help on how to find myself again. I agree its not healthy for my life to revolve 100% around him things have gotten a little better, going out with friends more and having people over. I may try leaving his mess and only picking up my own. Maybe if I wrote a schedule he would have to follow it. Sad but he needs direction and structure to stay motivated. I know most people wil tell me to pack my bags. I believe I found something so special I would never find it with anyone else. He is my soulmate. My lazy, messy soulmate. I know I'm young but I just want to work it out, not give up.

Im sorry sweetie, I think you are mistaking love for codependency. The only reason you were soooo depressed when you were dating long distance is because you never gave yourself a chance (since you were 15) to live without him. You always hung onto him.
Ive been there girl! I was soooooooo IN LOVE with a guy when I was 19. Would have done ANYTHING, put up with ANYTHING, been anything he wanted to keep him.
I was his mommy, his girlfriend, his last priority, and his doormat. Yet I stayed for 10 years. We broke up 2x for 9 months each time. I went back to him each time and kept contact with him during those time. After the 2nd time he told me he made up his mind, he loved me, wanted to be with me forever, and would marry me. 2 years later we bought a house (still no ring) 4 years later, we got engaged (after 9 years together) and 5 months later he ended it AGAIN!!!!!!

I sold the house, I moved on and told him to NEVER contact me again. It was soooooo damn hard, I LOVED him .... for all he didn't deserve my love. But knowing in my head I was DONE for real... getting my life back, being MY first priority to myself and now making sure that I was never back burnered by another man. I met my now husband ... who treats me like I am (tied with his kids) his first priority, he appreciates me, thinks of me, helps me, and I fell in love again. I thought Id never fall in love again... I thought I was broken, useless, destroyed.... and I fell in love again!! I gave life a chance w/o my ex. Who really knew, when one door REALLY closes, another one REALLY can open!

[ladyjane]

The only thing I can suggest to you is that you take a look at your initial post......read it as if it were your best friend telling that story of her life. What advice would you give to her?

Be your own best friend, Carmen.

[rilysmom]

Originally Posted by Lil Sis

Very well said..."I am woman ..hear me roar""

I do think life is seen through different glasses. What I mean is, if I am in a bad mood (having a pity party so to speak) I could tell you my life story and make you cry. I would focus on the sad events the negative. It would be true but is it the whole story? If I am in a great mood and told my life story (same life) it would sound happy...challenging events at times of hardship but a lot of happiness and blessings. Which is the truth?

It all comes down to you... your mental health, your view of what your life with your bf is and your view of your future. We want you to make the decision with a healthy heart and head. I am not saying leave him...if he was absuing you in any way I would come help you pack..but it does not sound like he is. I am saying ... you change. The only person you have control of is you.

Yes, I have read some of your other post about making good choices on your life. You are getting out more, you are making friends that is sooooo great!! Good first steps. As to going back to NC..well you really never can go home (I understand, I hate Miami I am just a southern girl at heart and would love to move back to Bristol Va)..home is where the people you love are.

Work on ONE thing at a time with him. For example I do have my dh loading and unload the dishwasher... yea!! Small steps. He did remind me I don't give him credit for watering the plants, taking out the garabage, changing all the light blubs etc. You know...he was right

oh well... hope my ramblings help in some small way. What I tell my girls who are around your age....make a list ..pro & cons which side wins?

Hello, neighbor!

[celstu1]

Hey I have had a thought in the past and whose to say I won't do it in the future! LOL My husbands wallet squeaks when he opens it.... I often joke that every once in awhile, I WD40 it (oil it so it won't squeak! LOL) Well.... whenever he lets things start to go, I just say to him, "Its ok if you don't want to mow the lawn. I'll just call TruGreen, they charge about $70, I think, to mow the lawn." BOOM... mowed the next day! haha Now Im talking about getting a housekeeper, it's about $80, 2x a month. Suddenly he *FOUND* where we keep the broom, and even cleaned the bathroom! AMAZING! Works for the dump runs to, "hey, there is trash pickup here, private of course, I think it's 1 day a week for $40 a month, would that be better than you taking the trash to the dump yourself?" **BOOM** Trailer loaded, trash taken to dump! This works so much better than yelling, lecturing, crying, getting frustrated, fighting with him!

Just tell Tony that you'll hire a cleaning company 1-2x a month so the house can at least maintain a minimal standard of clean that makes you happy. Sounds to me (like my husband) that he might start lifting fingers instead of opening his squeaky wallet)! Trust me, you can hire someone to do ANYTHING.... just google a price (or make one up!) and tell him you were thinking you would do that because you really need the help!

[lovespandp]

Originally Posted by LilAnnCamp

I'm 26 years old. I have been married for 4 years. We have lived together for 6-7 years. I'm the messy one in the house. When I worked we would pretty much 50-50 the chores. The house would be a little messy but now that I'm not working I do most of the chores. With that being said.

My husband still puts his dirty clothes BESIDE the laundry basket. There are ALWAYS shoes all over the house. Although I got plastic containers by each door for the shoes. My husband plays video games too and has to be up to speed on all electronics. My husband always looks over everything. (Ex: He fed the cat and dog each others food while I was gone for 5 days even tho the containers have their names on them) But my husband puts me first on everything. I'm sure... he could come up with a bigger list then this for me. If you don't love the life your in... it is never to late to get out. After reading this thread.... I'm sad and happy. Sad that people go through things like this. And I'm happy that I have the best husband.

LOL Sounds like my DH!! It's so funny to see- I always see his clothes thrown over -right next (touching) the laundry basket on the floor!! LOL I am like " if it is that close why don't you just put them IN the basket"??!! LOL "??!! LOL When he comes home he leaves a trail leading to the shower- I will have to pick up, socks, shoes, belts off the floor. LOL However I wouldn't change him for anything, I feel very blessed to have him.

[rubymoon2072]

Originally Posted by celstu1

Hey I have had a thought in the past and whose to say I won't do it in the future! LOL My husbands wallet squeaks when he opens it.... I often joke that every once in awhile, I WD40 it (oil it so it won't squeak! LOL) Well.... whenever he lets things start to go, I just say to him, "Its ok if you don't want to mow the lawn. I'll just call TruGreen, they charge about $70, I think, to mow the lawn." BOOM... mowed the next day! haha Now Im talking about getting a housekeeper, it's about $80, 2x a month. Suddenly he *FOUND* where we keep the broom, and even cleaned the bathroom! AMAZING! Works for the dump runs to, "hey, there is trash pickup here, private of course, I think it's 1 day a week for $40 a month, would that be better than you taking the trash to the dump yourself?" **BOOM** Trailer loaded, trash taken to dump! This works so much better than yelling, lecturing, crying, getting frustrated, fighting with him!



Just tell Tony that you'll hire a cleaning company 1-2x a month so the house can at least maintain a minimal standard of clean that makes you happy. Sounds to me (like my husband) that he might start lifting fingers instead of opening his squeaky wallet)! Trust me, you can hire someone to do ANYTHING.... just google a price (or make one up!) and tell him you were thinking you would do that because you really need the help!

super clever way to tackle!! i would never think of this approach cause i have the sqeeky wallet!!!