Women's "duties" around the house

[Carmeow]

Sorry for the late reply...he felt bad so he took me out to eat I agree, he probably will never change...it's sad that I've began to realize this. I ask myself if I can deal with this my entire life because if we get married, this is how its gonna be. I have dated other guys and he hasnt.

Heres the thing though. We were long distance for three years. It was completely heartbreaking buut we put so much into getting together that it is hard to question if my decision was the right one. He's my best friend, I really do love him with all my heart and have wanted no one else since I was fifteen. IT's hard. I know I have the right to leave him if I wanted, but I gave up my life for him. My friends, my family, my hometown, moved across the country to be with him! I have given him an ultimatum before. Told him I would buy a plane ticket home and never come back if he didnt get his act together. It took him a whole year to get a job but he finally did get one. It's just kinda pathetic...

I know, dont baby him. Ive tried that, trust me, but he will literally let the entire bedroom floor be covered in dirty clothes, dishes overflowing, five trashbags set out. He doesnt get it...what I guess I'm really looking for is how to let myself accept him how he is.

[Lil Sis]

oh my... this is painful for me to read. I am trying to think of what advice I would give my own daughters. You may not like it and I understand if you don't read anymore.

first.... YOU have to take care of YOURSELF. I don't like reading you gave up YOUR life. Get your life back NOW!!!!! If you are not happy in your skin and have a life of your own ...well you are just way too young for that.

second... he is what he is. yes, he may change but most likely he will not. Why should he change, he just has to put up with your b******* every once and a while and he has what he wants. He is tuning you out... you are a broken record to him, like a parent who threatens a child but never follows through. I see it happen all the time with teachers, parents etc.

third... and old saying is look to the man's home life (parents) and that is what you will have.

I am a little shocked the mother left his disabled father, but hey I guess she was the smart one. I am just very afraid that you will wake up one day and be very bitter.

What to do? some type of counseling? you get your life in order. I am not saying walk out now, but be able to. It is funny that when you are strong enough to leave you don't have to leave and then you will be strong enough to make your stand in that relationship.


I have been married close to 30 years... I often wish I had been strong enough to walk away when I was able. I love my dh.. and as you know he is ill and I will NEVER leave now because, well I just won't.. but I do have very bad anger/depression issues. Things are better now.. but often I feel I am a doormat to him. I just don't want that for you.

[Carmeow]

Originally Posted by Lil Sis

oh my... this is painful for me to read. I am trying to think of what advice I would give my own daughters. You may not like it and I understand if you don't read anymore.

first.... YOU have to take care of YOURSELF. I don't like reading you gave up YOUR life. Get your life back NOW!!!!! If you are not happy in your skin and have a life of your own ...well you are just way too young for that.

second... he is what he is. yes, he may change but most likely he will not. Why should he change, he just has to put up with your b******* every once and a while and he has what he wants. He is tuning you out... you are a broken record to him, like a parent who threatens a child but never follows through. I see it happen all the time with teachers, parents etc.

third... and old saying is look to the man's home life (parents) and that is what you will have.

I am a little shocked the mother left his disabled father, but hey I guess she was the smart one. I am just very afraid that you will wake up one day and be very bitter.

What to do? some type of counseling? you get your life in order. I am not saying walk out now, but be able to. It is funny that when you are strong enough to leave you don't have to leave and then you will be strong enough to make your stand in that relationship.


I have been married close to 30 years... I often wish I had been strong enough to walk away when I was able. I love my dh.. and as you know he is ill and I will NEVER leave now because, well I just won't.. but I do have very bad anger/depression issues. Things are better now.. but often I feel I am a doormat to him. I just don't want that for you.

Yes, I know your husband is ill and I commend you for staying with him 'in sickness and in health'...with my boyfriends parents its a case of his mom putting up with it for 30 years and finally reaching her breaking point. He has hydrocephalus among a number of other disabilities and was verbally and mentally abusive. So I dont blame his mom for leaving.

I did give up a lot to be with him, but I had three years to think about it and I was not mentally stable while we were apart. I was extremely depressed when we dated long distance. I am happier now, and I've posted threads on YT in the past kind of seeking help on how to find myself again. I agree its not healthy for my life to revolve 100% around him things have gotten a little better, going out with friends more and having people over. I may try leaving his mess and only picking up my own. Maybe if I wrote a schedule he would have to follow it. Sad but he needs direction and structure to stay motivated. I know most people wil tell me to pack my bags. I believe I found something so special I would never find it with anyone else. He is my soulmate. My lazy, messy soulmate. I know I'm young but I just want to work it out, not give up.

[Cha Cha]

I don't know any other way to give advice other than to tell you my story.

I was you at your age. I went away to college and had a long distance relationship with my now DH. After college, I did an internship in another state. When my DH finally realized without a commitment I wasn't coming back, he flew out and asked me to marry him. I said yes. To this day, it is my one and only regret. Not because I don't love him, because I do believe he's the one for me. But, I also gave up everything, my life, everything I ever wanted to do to come back to this town I hate, to be with him. Don't get me wrong, I've had a wonderful life, and have the most beautiful family, a nice home. But, I still live with the what if's. And I harbor a lot of resentment and anger because it's me that gave up everything to be with him. He knows I'd never do it again and it's been the force behind some of our biggest arguments. From his point of view, he has everything, his dreams have been fulfilled and continue to be. I make it sound terrible, don't I. I am not unhappy, I just wish at your age, I would have had the maturity to make him give up something for me. Looking back, he so easily could have relocated and we both could have had what we wanted, but I was scared if I forced the issue I'd lose it all. In a way, I still lost. Our first 10 years together were marital bliss. I was not happy in our second 10 years together because I began to feel the affects of what I've said here. However, we've worked hard to making our marriage work, and we're committed to making our third 10 years (will be 25 this year) better than the first. We've talked about all this, and he understands. Our dreams have changed and they now include eachother more than they ever have. This all sound so mushy, but it just demonstrates how incredibly hard it is to make it work even in the best of circumstances. My point is, you have to believe that you deserve to be happy and you have to decide what you will put up with and what crosses the line and you have to stick to that for you.

[GuinnessStout]

Originally Posted by AngelFae

Ugh, DH and I have been together for 13 years and I'm still waiting for him to help out at home instead of making a mess and blaming me for it! We have issues...

7 and 1/2 years here and a women's duty is to cook and clean.. Men should not clean lol and godforbid he actually pay his own bills... We have a joint account that I take care of paying his bills from.

[Carmeow]

Originally Posted by Cha Cha

I don't know any other way to give advice other than to tell you my story.

I was you at your age. I went away to college and had a long distance relationship with my now DH. After college, I did an internship in another state. When my DH finally realized without a commitment I wasn't coming back, he flew out and asked me to marry him. I said yes. To this day, it is my one and only regret. Not because I don't love him, because I do believe he's the one for me. But, I also gave up everything, my life, everything I ever wanted to do to come back to this town I hate, to be with him. Don't get me wrong, I've had a wonderful life, and have the most beautiful family, a nice home. But, I still live with the what if's. And I harbor a lot of resentment and anger because it's me that gave up everything to be with him. He knows I'd never do it again and it's been the force behind some of our biggest arguments. From his point of view, he has everything, his dreams have been fulfilled and continue to be. I make it sound terrible, don't I. I am not unhappy, I just wish at your age, I would have had the maturity to make him give up something for me. Looking back, he so easily could have relocated and we both could have had what we wanted, but I was scared if I forced the issue I'd lose it all. In a way, I still lost. Our first 10 years together were marital bliss. I was not happy in our second 10 years together because I began to feel the affects of what I've said here. However, we've worked hard to making our marriage work, and we're committed to making our third 10 years (will be 25 this year) better than the first. We've talked about all this, and he understands. Our dreams have changed and they now include eachother more than they ever have. This all sound so mushy, but it just demonstrates how incredibly hard it is to make it work even in the best of circumstances. My point is, you have to believe that you deserve to be happy and you have to decide what you will put up with and what crosses the line and you have to stick to that for you.

Thank you for sharing your story, Shelly. I did make a lot of sacrifices to be with hom and we have had multiple, pretty serious fights about it. He doesn't care for his life here. Friends, family? Pretty much disposable to him. That's why its so unfair. I had, and still have, an intense attachment to my life in South Carolina. We have discussed moving to DC after he graduates. It's not out of the question. I just struggle with that decision because I know firsthand how hard it is to be completely uprooted from everything and everyonr you have ever known. Is it even fair to do that to him when I know what its like? I would be happier in SC but it would take a lot of work to save for the move and to live on our own instead of out of his grandparents pocket.

[rubynrosie]

Originally Posted by Carmeow

Thank you for sharing your story, Shelly. I did make a lot of sacrifices to be with hom and we have had multiple, pretty serious fights about it. He doesn't care for his life here. Friends, family? Pretty much disposable to him. That's why its so unfair. I had, and still have, an intense attachment to my life in South Carolina. We have discussed moving to DC after he graduates. It's not out of the question. I just struggle with that decision because I know firsthand how hard it is to be completely uprooted from everything and everyonr you have ever known. Is it even fair to do that to him when I know what its like? I would be happier in SC but it would take a lot of work to save for the move and to live on our own instead of out of his grandparents pocket.

Carmen you sound like a caretaker...not a bad thing..just make sure you take care of yourself too! It may be "unfair" to him but it also might help you enjoy your life more and could help him grow up if he doesn't have grandparents pocket so easy! Plus...maybe it would help you decide if this is what you want in life when you are closer to your supports! I wouldn't rule it out just because it might be unfair to him...you deserve to have some fairness in your life too! (PS..just know this advice is coming from someone who broke up with a significant other when he told her she could move in w him two states away but her dog was not welcome. )

[GuinnessStout]

Originally Posted by Carmeow

Sorry for the late reply...he felt bad so he took me out to eat I agree, he probably will never change...it's sad that I've began to realize this. I ask myself if I can deal with this my entire life because if we get married, this is how its gonna be. I have dated other guys and he hasnt.

Heres the thing though. We were long distance for three years. It was completely heartbreaking buut we put so much into getting together that it is hard to question if my decision was the right one. He's my best friend, I really do love him with all my heart and have wanted no one else since I was fifteen. IT's hard. I know I have the right to leave him if I wanted, but I gave up my life for him. My friends, my family, my hometown, moved across the country to be with him! I have given him an ultimatum before. Told him I would buy a plane ticket home and never come back if he didnt get his act together. It took him a whole year to get a job but he finally did get one. It's just kinda pathetic...

I know, dont baby him. Ive tried that, trust me, but he will literally let the entire bedroom floor be covered in dirty clothes, dishes overflowing, five trashbags set out. He doesnt get it...what I guess I'm really looking for is how to let myself accept him how he is.

Well I guess I might as well share more about my life.. I am 38 have never been married (yes I know you are confused now lol).. He will be 34 the 24th and still lived at his mom's house he grew up in even thou she was staying with her boyfriend BUT she came to the house every week to wash his clothes make sure he had food, soap, shampoo etc. Because of one of my knee surgeries I went to stay with him to help me out after we had dated 3 months and well my home burnt down and we have been together ever since so that is why everybody just calls us husband and wife. Now he grew up with an abusive stepfather so he is a verbally abusive type and after 6 years I realized he was never going to give me a ring so I packed and left... He went got anger help quit his job got a better job and went and rented US a house on a side of town I wanted to live on... Things were great even if he had to move to Tenn for a year we still got along great he started sending me flowers spoiling me with gifts and got me Guinness the "little dog" he told me he would never own... After he got back from Tenn he is starting to go back to verbal abusive.. He knows I have self esteem issues and social anxiety so it's easy for him to push the right buttons to set me into a panic attack and I blame nobody but myself because I know I should have stayed gone but at this point I have so much invested.. House, cars, dogs, boat, bank accounts, furniture etc that it's just easier for me to suck it up put on my big girl panties and deal with it.
So sadly that is the only advice I can give.. Just be unhappy learn to resent him and yourself and deal with it or....

[KazzyK810]

Carmen, you mention him going to college and what you'll do after he gets his degree. What are you doing for you? Are you going to college too?

[brezofleur]

If you were to leave and go back home, can't you move back with your folks until you can get on your feet?

You shouldn't be playing housewife. You should be going out and having fun and making tons of friends (for life). You're 20...your life shouldn't be over yet. And, TBH, when you say you dated...you dated in HS right?

And I agree, it really worries me that you keep saying that you gave up your life for him. If you believe this, it's only going to harbor deep, deep resentment. You have to make yourself happy. Your life should always come first. You have your life and he has his and you share a portion of those lives together. It seems to me that he IS your life and that's not healthy.

[brezofleur]

Oh Alisha. That's not good either... I don't have to go into it because I know you know that. And I say this whole heartily that if you EVER need to get away, out of the city, out of the state, please know you can come here.

Same goes with you, Carmen.

Zeus wouldn't mind some playmates and Ody loves to show off.

[tjdmom]

I'm not sure why you would want him. I mean seriously, he sounds like a spoiled little boy not a grown man ready to settle down and build a life with. I don't know why we settle as women for things like this. You are still very young but I think if you continue settling for this kind of life, you won't be very happy in the long run. Of course, there must be a part of you who settles for this for some reason. Why do you think that you are doing that? Do you think you can't do better? Are you hoping he'll change? Do you like the feeling of being the adult in the relationship? Are you repeating your parents relationship growing up? I think that's what you really need to work on because we really can't change other people, only ourselves. I wish you luck whatever your choose to do....

[GuinnessStout]

Originally Posted by brezofleur

Oh Alisha. That's not good either... I don't have to go into it because I know you know that. And I say this whole heartily that if you EVER need to get away, out of the city, out of the state, please know you can come here.

Same goes with you, Carmen.

Zeus wouldn't mind some playmates and Ody loves to show off.

Oh trust me I know.. I have gave up my lifelong Disney wedding and kids dream and have just learned to settle for my yorkies.

[rubymoon2072]

carmen a women's job is never done..no matter how old they are or how much you grow together. sometimes you have to overlook things more than u choose to do so..and if you loose yourself in between well thats how you grow and find out who you are...who ur not.....and u will both do alot of that. if you still find urselves together then you know no matter what the sun or the rain brings you find a way to prove your point..so they understand where the hell ur coming from and then you still wanna have sex! if u can do that almost years, upon years later....then yes you are true best friends and you will bring your ship to the port everytime together as a team, even in the worst of storms!! if not the doors will open when you grab the handle but only you can turn the knob! the doors are always around you...but only u can see them.........and if and when that time is you will know and feel obilged to urself to do so for u and only u. just my late night tired five cents. <3

[brezofleur]

I have so many single and newly single guy AND girl friends...and they want to know "where are all the good ones?" They're all settling... DON'T DO THAT!!