Women's "duties" around the house

[celstu1]

Originally Posted by Carmeow

Yes, it has been overwhelming. I'm sorry I haven't responded to everyone. Thank you to everyone who offered me advice here and in PMs. We had a very, very long talk last night. I think we will be okay if he keeps showing me that he's trying. Not just long enough to get out of jail free, but for the long run. I kepttelling him I wanted him to promise me things would change, but he is afraid to break a promise if he doesn't live up to my very high expectations. I just wanted him to know that I dont WANT to feel like his mother, but right now I do. It won't happen overnight.

I don't care who gets mad at me for not immediately breaking up with him. I came here pointing out the negatives but it isn't the whole picture, and its not an accurate portrait of who he is. I have to admit that I have thought for a long time that I may be struggling with OCD. I've never admitted that, even to myself, that it may be pretty serious case of it. Old habits die hard I guess but you can change habits if you keep working at it. I think I'm very hard on him and he puts up with it. I love him for that reason. So I should love him for his flaws too.

I thought I was borderline OCD too. I thought about therapy, lightening up on him. Finally when it ended (I was older than you) I had time for a lot of reflection and thought. It occurred to me that I was a perfectionist because the cleanliness of my home did 2 things....gave me control over something in my life and, the outward neatness hid the inner chaos and mess of HIM. No one saw the relationship, they saw a clean beautiful home, thought we had it made together.

[ladyjane]

Carmen, you asked for advice and when you do that you must realize that there will be some you are not ready for.

I personally don't tell others what they should do because I know from experience that most people learn their own way and we just have to let them do that. People should not give advice and then expect that the person is going to follow it. At least that is my thought. As for someone getting mad at you....so sad that they feel they must control another human being. Just pray for them.

As I suggested before, do for yourself what you would advise your best friend if she asked you. Just be good to Carmen because she deserves good.

[GuinnessStout]

Originally Posted by Carmeow

I don't care who gets mad at me for not immediately breaking up with him. I came here pointing out the negatives but it isn't the whole picture, and its not an accurate portrait of who he is. I have to admit that I have thought for a long time that I may be struggling with OCD. I've never admitted that, even to myself, that it may be pretty serious case of it. Old habits die hard I guess but you can change habits if you keep working at it. I think I'm very hard on him and he puts up with it. I love him for that reason. So I should love him for his flaws too.

I truly hope you did not feel as if I was trying to get you to leave... All I wanted was you to have that sit down with him and maybe even as childish as it might sound write out even a chore list.. You do this this this and I will do this this this... I just want you to make sure that he realizes how lucky he is to have you and starts making an effort to prove he knows just how lucky he is

[lovespandp]

I don't see anyone that was hard on her- she wanted advice, you cant always sugar coat things! I'm glad people put in their personal expierences- its good that she is able to see both sides. I also don't see anyone that is mad at her.. I see people trying to help-

[Lil Sis]

Originally Posted by ladyjane

Carmen, you asked for advice and when you do that you must realize that there will be some you are not ready for.

I personally don't tell others what they should do because I know from experience that most people learn their own way and we just have to let them do that. People should not give advice and then expect that the person is going to follow it. At least that is my thought. As for someone getting mad at you....so sad that they feel they must control another human being. Just pray for them.

As I suggested before, do for yourself what you would advise your best friend if she asked you. Just be good to Carmen because she deserves good.

great words of advice from a person I have a lot of respect for ! Not saying I don't love and respect all you now- because I really and truly do....

But my last words here... I have had many times when friends talked about bf or husbands and a very wise person said to me..."never tell them what to do, because if they follow your advise and it goes wrong they will blame you". Geezzee... I don't know what to do with my own life at times so how could I tell you. BUT... as I was saying... I just want you to take care of YOU!!!! If YOU make yourself happy in YOUR skin the rest will work out. For some this would mean leaving, for others it would be staying. Anything good in life is work.

[MishyMish]

Nothing is going to change. I am not sure why you are playing house with someone this immature anyway. However, since you are... this is EXACTLY how your home will be run, now and in the future. Why? Because you are setting it up to be that way. If you don't want to be stuck doing all of the things your doing then stop and to be honest, if this issue has already been addressed with no changes... then maybe you need to change your boyfriend. You would be surprised how much happier you will be when you find a real man. I don't expect a 21 year old to behave any other way than he is. Let him go, move on and maybe a few years down the line he'll be exactly what you wanted now. Live life. Why would you want to settle for less than what you want at such a young age? Let him be someone elses problem.

[yorkietalkjilly]

Originally Posted by ladyjane

Carmen, you asked for advice and when you do that you must realize that there will be some you are not ready for.

I personally don't tell others what they should do because I know from experience that most people learn their own way and we just have to let them do that. People should not give advice and then expect that the person is going to follow it. At least that is my thought. As for someone getting mad at you....so sad that they feel they must control another human being. Just pray for them.

As I suggested before, do for yourself what you would advise your best friend if she asked you. Just be good to Carmen because she deserves good.

Excellent words.

[ladyjane]

Originally Posted by Lil Sis

great words of advice from a person I have a lot of respect for ! Not saying I don't love and respect all you now- because I really and truly do....

But my last words here... I have had many times when friends talked about bf or husbands and a very wise person said to me..."never tell them what to do, because if they follow your advise and it goes wrong they will blame you". Geezzee... I don't know what to do with my own life at times so how could I tell you. BUT... as I was saying... I just want you to take care of YOU!!!! If YOU make yourself happy in YOUR skin the rest will work out. For some this would mean leaving, for others it would be staying. Anything good in life is work.

[rubymoon2072]

Originally Posted by ladyjane

i second that linda. your always insightful but not judgemental.

[RileyDC]

Originally Posted by MishyMish

Nothing is going to change. I am not sure why you are playing house with someone this immature anyway. However, since you are... this is EXACTLY how your home will be run, now and in the future. Why? Because you are setting it up to be that way. If you don't want to be stuck doing all of the things your doing then stop and to be honest, if this issue has already been addressed with no changes... then maybe you need to change your boyfriend. You would be surprised how much happier you will be when you find a real man. I don't expect a 21 year old to behave any other way than he is. Let him go, move on and maybe a few years down the line he'll be exactly what you wanted now. Live life. Why would you want to settle for less than what you want at such a young age? Let him be someone elses problem.

[lovespandp]

Quote:
Originally Posted by MishyMish
Nothing is going to change. I am not sure why you are playing house with someone this immature anyway. However, since you are... this is EXACTLY how your home will be run, now and in the future. Why? Because you are setting it up to be that way. If you don't want to be stuck doing all of the things your doing then stop and to be honest, if this issue has already been addressed with no changes... then maybe you need to change your boyfriend. You would be surprised how much happier you will be when you find a real man. I don't expect a 21 year old to behave any other way than he is. Let him go, move on and maybe a few years down the line he'll be exactly what you wanted now. Live life. Why would you want to settle for less than what you want at such a young age? Let him be someone elses problem.

Originally Posted by RileyDC

[LilAnnCamp]

Prayers and warm wishes your way!

[ladyjane]

Originally Posted by rubymoon2072

i second that linda. your always insightful but not judgemental.

In my career, I spent some time working in the addictions field, so I learned a lot about letting go. Trying to control another person is an exercise in futility and honestly anyone who feels that they have to brow beat a person in to doing what they think is right needs help themselves. I always recommend Alanon to people...it is an awesome program!

None of us has a crystal ball. If the OP was being beaten then I would be a bit more vocal, but she is not in any danger to my knowledge. We don't know that her boyfriend is not going to change...he very well might. Improbable? Perhaps. But, the other thing is, she is the one who is living with him....not for me to tell her who to live with. IF she is unhappy, she will discover that and leave. We all have to live our own lives...and learn as we go. We can share with others, but when we insist people do as we feel they should, we are out of line imho and need to do a self check.

[rubynrosie]

My two cents...advice is just that advice...I think every one who has responded to this thread has done so because they have gotten to know you Carmen and only want the best for you. We don't want to see you hurt or go through the mistakes we have. However with that being said I think we all realize that if we hadn't gone through our own life events we very well wouldn't be the person we are today...do I wish I had done things differently...ya I suppose...who raises their hand and is proud that they spent 8 years w a cheater or a year with a control freak and yep if i had a chance to do it again id do the same darn thing but I also know had I not gone through those experiences I wouldn't be w the guy I am w today! Is he perfect...heck no...are there things that annoy me heck yes..I can't stand that he doesn't hang his coat up or he let's his kids just leave their boots and coats were they took them off. But...I also adore how he loves my "kids" (3 dogs, 4 cats) because they are a part of me. I love how he will put on his snowpants and in 20 degree weather change the oil in my car cuz he worries about me driving so much. I love how he is willing to cook and make what I want for dinner...and when I get migraines...he gives the best head rubs...sometimes I feel like I am giving 70% and he is giving 30% and other days I know its just the opposite. I vent to my friends and when im venting im usually saying the worst about him. Honestly Carmen. I think you need to look within yourself and truthfully determine what you will accept and what you wont accept. I don't think you are making excuses for him if its something you will be ok with. However if you keep changing your expectations and you remain unhappy then I would say you are making excuses. I will say people can change, but reality shows the majority don't. Watch to make sure his actions are following his words. Only you can decide to stay or leave. I would suggest couples therapy or even individual therapy for yourself. There's a book called Co-dependent No More: stop controlling other and start taking care of yourself...its a great read if you like to read. Good Luck. Carmen you are an amazing person and I know whatever decision you make is going to be the right decision for that time and place in your life.

[LunasMomma]

Originally Posted by hnybun128

Here's the deal. This is who he is. You either accept it and figure out how to live with it or move on. He is not going to get older and magically become cleaner or more thoughtful.

Short, to the point, and imho 100% accurate. I'm sorry you are dealing with this