Unbiased Advice Needed

[Gypsy & Me]

Originally Posted by Darlin Beauxs

I tell her all the time a day clean in rehab is nothing. A day clean on her own is what counts.

[RebelBelle]

I'm so sorry you are having this experience. Trust me when I say that I know how hard it is to watch someone you love be self destructive. BUT you can't sacrifice your healthy relationships for 1 thats unhealty.

I can honestly say that experience has taught me that if you don't expect much from people then that's what you'll get. She thinks she can get away with murder because you've let her. You're going to have to set some standards (that keep you emotionally healthy) and if she doesn't care enough to meet them, then she'll just have to find someone else to manipulate.

[Patti]

I am sorry you are having to deal with so much. You have been a wondeful friend and while she has so many issues you can ony do so much for someone. they have to help themselves. You could end of destroying your marriage and more friendships. Maybe in a session with her and the counselor you can tell her you will be there for her but set some rules when she visits etc. Hopefully one day when she works through her problems she will see who was there for her. Good luck you sound like a very special person.

[amandawash]

Oh hun, I know you are just trying to do what's best. However, you are enabling her. Enabling her to be irresponsible, rude and selfish. Addicts have to hit "rock bottom" before they will actually change. You have been a pillow over the rock bottom. She needs to hit it and deal with it on her own.

You helped her get into rehab, which was an amazing thing to do, and the right thing. However, she needs to take it from there. What is she going to do for you if your marriage is ruined by this (and it can be)??? The answer is nothing.

You need to put her things in pre-payed storage, return her money, and discontinue being power of attorney. Guaranteed she will burn through the money, and become very lonely when she realizes she burnt all her bridges. However, this needs to happen. She is in a safe place, so you don't have to worry about her being in the street, and it needs to be up to her at this point.

Focus on YOU and your family and relationships. Bless you for being so caring. I am completely jaded from what I do for a living, but can honestly tell you this is not going to change until she hits hard.

[Darlin Beauxs]

Originally Posted by Patti

I am sorry you are having to deal with so much. You have been a wondeful friend and while she has so many issues you can ony do so much for someone. they have to help themselves. You could end of destroying your marriage and more friendships. Maybe in a session with her and the counselor you can tell her you will be there for her but set some rules when she visits etc. Hopefully one day when she works through her problems she will see who was there for her. Good luck you sound like a very special person.

Thank You. I told her up front what the rules were when she visited. I told her I expected her to participate in whatever I had going on, whether it be a movie, a non-alcoholic party, etc. I have had something planned EVERY visit, because the rehab says they are supposed to learn what sober people do. It has been as simple as having the neighbor kids over to play wii, and eat popcorn and sodas, or go to a movie. She is always reluctant to do it, but ended up having a blast.

The other rules are the rehab's for home visits, no phone calls except family, no male visitors, and NO isolation. What is the point of her coming here if she just wants to hole up in her room?

Anyway, if she would have walked over there, sat for 30 minutes, and told me she was tired, I would have understood. It p'ed me off she wouldn't make an effort. It didn't benefit her, so she didn't care who she embarrassed. My neighbors kept apologizing and asking what they did to make her want to leave. My husband told them that she isn't interested in anything other than sitting alone and drinking.

She tried to say she was embarrassed because we are all the same age (34) and she was the only one single, pregnant in rehab. I really feel she has some deep seated animosity towards me because I am married.

[Sookie]

I have, unfortunately, first hand knowledge of this. My brother died of a drug overdose. You have to cut the strings. Let her know that you are there when she is better, but right now she is NOT better - she is still self-destructive. Part of her getting healthy is to do it entirely on her own. A clean day in rehab isn't "nothing"; but you are right in that it isn't enough. She has a long road ahead of her and the way she is acting right now isn't very promising IMHO. Let her go - she'll come back some day and she definately will remember all you've done for her. You're a great friend.

[Darlin Beauxs]

Originally Posted by Sookie

I have, unfortunately, first hand knowledge of this. My brother died of a drug overdose. You have to cut the strings. Let her know that you are there when she is better, but right now she is NOT better - she is still self-destructive. Part of her getting healthy is to do it entirely on her own. A clean day in rehab isn't "nothing"; but you are right in that it isn't enough. She has a long road ahead of her and the way she is acting right now isn't very promising IMHO. Let her go - she'll come back some day and she definately will remember all you've done for her. You're a great friend.

You are right, I should't have minimized the fact that she IS in rehab, I said it out of frustration.

I get so tired of her preaching about how much she has changed, when her actions say otherwise. Right now, she is in a controlled environment where she has no choice BUT to succeed. She is also not so stupid that she would jeapordize the baby by drinking. The rehab is her saving grace, she has not CHOICE but to do what they say, or she will be homeless!

I am also tired of hearing her laugh and make fun of the other women there. She thinks she is better. She lost her home, and her job. Dependency on drugs and alchol caused her to be involved with a married man for 14 years, instead of finding someone that would marry her.

The only reason WHY she is there, is because I forced the issue. I met with her Dr. and caseworker with her mother, and gave them the dates and times she had been in hospitals/short term treatments, so they would not release her until we had a safe supervised place for her. I went to her home and packed her belongings, and drove her the 100 miles straight to the rehab. She was never alone, or even returned to her home, after that point.

I hope I did what the Lord wanted me to do in this situation. Maybe my purpose was met, and it is time for me to leave her..

[DukesMommy]

She hasn't been clean for long enough yet, like someone else said, she is still self destructive. She will take advantage of anyone that will let her. She needs tough love until she realizes she has to stand on her own two feet.
In the end if she gets through everything and can stay sober, she will remember what you did, and probably feel a bit guilty about how she treated you. It's not easy helping addicts who are trying to recover, and you've done everything you can to help.

[Lucia]

I really feel for you, me and my family have been through this with my youngest sister. Drugs have turned her into a selfish liar, whose only interest is drugs. We've all tried to help...the final straw came when she was staying with my other sister and stole all of her jewellery, and her childrens money boxes. She had assured us she was clean and a changed person.There's only so much time and energy u can invest in someone.....you cant help someone who isnt willing to help themselves. You sound like a wonderful friend who has gone above and beyond. I think now is the time to concentrate on you. xxx xxx

[Darlin Beauxs]

Thank you. Her mom texted me and told me this whole situation is MY fault because NO ONE made me let her come to my home, blah blah. I get so sick of being blamed. I did what I thought was right (supporting her), and the light bulb finally has came on that SHE DOESNT CARE, so I am going to step back from the situation, and see what happens then. I'm sure it was meant for me to learn something from this

[Lucia]

The bloomin cheek of it! I think you're doin the right thing - step away and see what happens. You've done all u can so don't feel bad, or that you've failed her in some way. These things are sent to test us right? xxx

[cheryl19]

Originally Posted by chachi

You have been the best friend she could ever ask for. Shes not going to understand untill she hits rock bottom and youve got to let her do it

So true. Also you have to remember to take care of yourself and you also have a hubby. Sometimes we have to worry about ourselves because others will bring you down and then you are of no use for either yourself or your friend. She is in a place that knows how to take care of people with problems maybe it's time to let go till she finds her way. Good luck

[Mitzis Mom]

I'm really sorry that you have to go through this and it sounds so much what I had to deal with my alcoholic (ex)husband for 8 years...

At the point where I coudn't handle it anymore I went to ALANON and learned 3 important things:

1. I was an enabler
2. You teach people how to treat you
3. find out what the reward is you are getting out of 'helping' the addict

I know that sounds harsh and it hurts a lot to learn this lesson but I finally was able to get out of this vicious circle and my own life back on track.

We all are praying for you and your family!

[margaritaville]

I know it's hard but you need to sit down and look at priorities.
1. You have to take care of yourself before you can take care of others.
2. You have a family of your own (and children) Children do not need to be exposed to this behavior.
3. Your husband (and you?) is working to make ends meet in this ecomony and by supporting her you are taking away from your own family. She has shown by her selfish, drug and alcohol related behavior that she really could care less about others.
4. She is not your responsibility. I commend you for trying to accept it but her own family has had enough. She needs to accept responsibilty for herself and not blame others for her misfortune. I feel for this child but the child is not your resposibility. Hopefully something good will happen for the child but if she continues on this road.....
5. She has an outside visit coming up---do they test her when she returns for drugs and alcohol?
I wish you luck. Please do not feel you have failed her--she has to take the responsibility and until she is able to do that she will continue to use and blame others. I would just explain to her once and for the last time that you love her as a friend but that the time has come that you need to take care of yourself for a change.

[Darlin Beauxs]

Originally Posted by margaritaville

I know it's hard but you need to sit down and look at priorities.
1. You have to take care of yourself before you can take care of others.
2. You have a family of your own (and children) Children do not need to be exposed to this behavior.
3. Your husband (and you?) is working to make ends meet in this ecomony and by supporting her you are taking away from your own family. She has shown by her selfish, drug and alcohol related behavior that she really could care less about others.
4. She is not your responsibility. I commend you for trying to accept it but her own family has had enough. She needs to accept responsibilty for herself and not blame others for her misfortune. I feel for this child but the child is not your resposibility. Hopefully something good will happen for the child but if she continues on this road.....
5. She has an outside visit coming up---do they test her when she returns for drugs and alcohol?
I wish you luck. Please do not feel you have failed her--she has to take the responsibility and until she is able to do that she will continue to use and blame others. I would just explain to her once and for the last time that you love her as a friend but that the time has come that you need to take care of yourself for a change.

Yes, she has an off-site visit coming up, next weekend. But she will have to stay at the rehab because I am NOT getting her, and her Mother still has to come to 3 more support meetings before she can take her the second week in December. Her sister's husband will not allow her to come to his house, because she begged for them to pick her up, asked them to take her to the store to fill her prescriptions, and then she od'ed in their back seat. They didn't know what she had done until they got back to their home and she was too incoherent to get out of the vehicle. Their kids were in the house, and could have witnessed it all, so he has a major grudge. (I don't blame him)

They keep making excuses for her, and chalk all this up to us being tired of another. I know they are upset, because they know she will be relying on them for everything.

To answer someone elses question, I have not supported her financially SINCE she has been in rehab. I got power of attorney, opened an account for her, and only withdraw a small amount of money per week for the things she needs/wants, within reason. We always pay for her meals out/entertainment when she is with us though, because we wanted her dollars to last to buy baby items. But she has not purchased the first thing, and she is due January 26th.

I never wanted to be in control of her money, but her sister AND mother were stealing from her. The first thing they did with her last pay checks, was pay themselves back for the money they felt she owed them, and then paid all her back utilities, etc (which could have waited), but her mother wanted everything up to date, because she was going to try to buy the house FOR HERSELF. So when my friend needed cigs and tolietries, they told her they had no money.

My husband and I bought her everything she needed, I drew up a revokation and had her sign it, made myself power of attorney (because she didn't want the rehab in control of her money) , and changed her address so I was able to get her state and federal income tax checks, which was about $2600.

Yes, they do test her regularly. She hasn't had an opportunity to get any drugs or alchohol since she has been there, because the only time she has been free is with me. I poured all my beer down the sink before her first visit, and hid my vodka in the garage . As selfish as she is, I still don't think she would do anything to knowingly harm the baby (other than still smoke)