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Old 08-19-2008, 11:45 PM   #1
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Cry Long Distance Relationships...Do They Really Work??

Normally I don't like to blab to much about my personal life, but I find myself in a bind, and don't know who to ask. I do however share funny stories for the HOWYW game thread! I've seen a lot of wise advice given to others for anything from puppy problems to personal ones, and I'm hoping some wisdom could be shared with me.
My boyfriend of over 2 years recently told me that he might be moving out of the country for school purposes. So my question to all of you out there in YT land, Do long distance relationships really work?
My best friend, keeps pressuring me to make a decision. She keeps pushing for me to go with my boyfriend and move out to a new unfamiliar country to stay with him, or to give him an ultimatum to make my boyfriend stay here. I think this is really unfair for me to do that to him.

The only examples I have for long distance relationships are my parents, and they are now happily married for almost 27 years. But I've also seen a lot of negatives from friends' experiences.... let's just say he turned out to be a cheating liar
So is it silly to belive that a long (and I mean LONG) distance relationship can work?
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Old 08-19-2008, 11:58 PM   #2
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Long Distance Relationships DO WORK ..... IF YOU want them to work ....

Sounds like a hard decision to make .....

Me and my Hubby have been separated for over 1.5 years at one time (I got to see him 14 days out of that) ... it is his Job (Military) and this will be VERY rough for you and him ..... but you will make it ..... or you just go with him to the other country and see how that works out ..... you can always go back home ....
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Old 08-20-2008, 12:13 AM   #3
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I don't think I'm ready for a big move, I was kinda looking forward to vet school either next year or the year after that. I haven't looked into vet schools where he's going, and it's not like he invited me to tag along with him. Maybe I should have added that tidbit. I don't want to invite myself without him inviting me first....
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Old 08-20-2008, 12:16 AM   #4
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You haven't mentioned the "L" word. Do you love him? In a 'want to live my life with you ' way? If you do then I would advise you thusly:

Go with him if the opportunity is there. You can't really force him to stay. He would probably be resentful of that no matter if he wanted to be resentful or not. If he considers what he is doing to be the best for his education, I would not even try to get him to stay.

What country is it? Do a lot of research on what it is like there. If you were to go and find that it isn't for you, you could always come back knowing you made the effort. It isn't unusual for someone to go to live in another country with their partner. People do it all the time. Look at all the service wives that do it. It's not forever and I would think it could actually be an exciting thing.

Of course, like I said...this is all predicated on loving him. If you only 'care' for him it probably wouldn't be the right thing to do.



Quote:
Originally Posted by DvlshAngel985 View Post
Normally I don't like to blab to much about my personal life, but I find myself in a bind, and don't know who to ask. I do however share funny stories for the HOWYW game thread! I've seen a lot of wise advice given to others for anything from puppy problems to personal ones, and I'm hoping some wisdom could be shared with me.
My boyfriend of over 2 years recently told me that he might be moving out of the country for school purposes. So my question to all of you out there in YT land, Do long distance relationships really work?
My best friend, keeps pressuring me to make a decision. She keeps pushing for me to go with my boyfriend and move out to a new unfamiliar country to stay with him, or to give him an ultimatum to make my boyfriend stay here. I think this is really unfair for me to do that to him.

The only examples I have for long distance relationships are my parents, and they are now happily married for almost 27 years. But I've also seen a lot of negatives from friends' experiences.... let's just say he turned out to be a cheating liar
So is it silly to belive that a long (and I mean LONG) distance relationship can work?
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Old 08-20-2008, 02:49 AM   #5
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I'm going to take the hard line on this. If he hasn't asked you to go with him, that would settle it for me. Does he have to move or does he just want to move? Is it a suttle way to break up with you? Does he talk about keeping in touch, visiting while he's there? Is he moving there to stay or planning to come back? I guess I'm a little cynical, but if he's moving to another country and didn't ask me to come with him, I'd consider the relationship pretty much over. Long distance relationships can work, but they have to be very strong and both parties have to want it to work.
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Old 08-20-2008, 05:24 AM   #6
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I honestly do not know if long distance relationships work or not, but I do know this... Don't be pressured by anyone to do one thing or another. You and your boyfriend really need to be comfortable in the situation. Sometimes our friends and family think they know what is 'BEST' for us. Their opinions matter to us and sometimes those opinions are not right for us. So you & your boyfriend really need to decide what you want to do going forward together.
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Old 08-20-2008, 05:29 AM   #7
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Originally Posted by DvlshAngel985 View Post
I don't think I'm ready for a big move, I was kinda looking forward to vet school either next year or the year after that. I haven't looked into vet schools where he's going, and it's not like he invited me to tag along with him. Maybe I should have added that tidbit. I don't want to invite myself without him inviting me first....
I should have read everything BEFORE I posted.

I had added another paragraph to my original post then took it out and posted. It kind of touched on this.

I've been with my boyfriend for 7 months. I am totally in love with him. I wouldn't move ANYWHERE where I couldn't see him almost everyday unless he came with me. He is not holding me back from reaching dreams or goals or anything, he is truely my other half and my life wouldn't be the same without him in it daily. I wouldn't even consider it. However I am almost 32 and he is 39, we are not school age, we have previous experiences in our lives before we met each other. So neither of us have the urge to expand in that way.

If you guys are YOUNG (early -mid 20s) then do what you want to do, else you could end up regretting it. Whats meant to be will always find a way!
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Old 08-20-2008, 05:51 AM   #8
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Yes and No....

Can a long distance relationship work between the right people? Yes. Will it be easy? Definitely not. If you or he are even slightly jealous people right now,then multiply those feeling by thousands of miles and you can see that its not a pretty picture. However, if you love each other and are committed enough, you CAN make it work. Be prepared for the reality of it though. You will be sad and lonely ALOT. Unless you're the kind of person that can channel all that free time into something positive then a LDR may not be for you.

As far as moving is concerned... I have in fact moved from Mississippi alllllllll the way to Texas (a long way for a girl who came home every other weekend of college to see her momma!) My then boyfriend and his best friend (who happened to be my best girlfriends boyfriend) moved to Fort Worth for work. We had been doing the long distance thing for a year. It was rough, so we (my best friend and I) along with another friend moved to Texas! The 3 of us girls got an apartment together (living with a man your not married to is a serious no no in my mom's world). Well needless to say after a year of living in Texas, things did not work out between my boyfriend and I (and Courtney and Jason had broken up like 6 months in...) My roommates and I missed our families alot. So we all decided to move back to Mississippi since there was nothing holding us in Texas anymore.

Back to my point.... Would I do it all over again? YES! There are so many people who live life without taking chances or experiencing things. I have priceless memories of my year in Texas both with and without the boyfriend. It gave me a chance to see how strong I really was. Bottom line is make whatever decision makes sense to you!

P.S. Sorry this is so ridiculously long!

P.S.S. Maybe hasn't invited you along because he is sure you'll say no. If you WANT an invitation, then drop a hint or two. Like the next time you're talking about it, say "You're gonna need a bigger suitcase, if I'm gonna hide in it all the way through customs..." and see what he says!
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Old 08-20-2008, 08:44 AM   #9
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Originally Posted by sammiz View Post
You haven't mentioned the "L" word. Do you love him? In a 'want to live my life with you ' way? If you do then I would advise you thusly:

Go with him if the opportunity is there. You can't really force him to stay. He would probably be resentful of that no matter if he wanted to be resentful or not. If he considers what he is doing to be the best for his education, I would not even try to get him to stay.

What country is it? Do a lot of research on what it is like there. If you were to go and find that it isn't for you, you could always come back knowing you made the effort. It isn't unusual for someone to go to live in another country with their partner. People do it all the time. Look at all the service wives that do it. It's not forever and I would think it could actually be an exciting thing.

Of course, like I said...this is all predicated on loving him. If you only 'care' for him it probably wouldn't be the right thing to do.
I knew I forgot to mention something. I do love him in the "I wanna spend the rest of my life with you" kind of way. We've spoken about marriage, but being what we beleive to be sensible, we don't want to take that step until we're both stable financially enough.
And I have thought of "he'll resent me later on" if I ask him to stay. In fact I've tried to be as supportive as I can. He wants to move to Bolivia, where he has family because med school is easier to get into and more affordable. I personally think it's a mistake since he is planning on returning and practice medicine here. I don't think he'll be as successful. BUT, if this is something he wants to do, I'm behind him 100%.
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Old 08-20-2008, 08:48 AM   #10
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I'm going to take the hard line on this. If he hasn't asked you to go with him, that would settle it for me. Does he have to move or does he just want to move? Is it a suttle way to break up with you? Does he talk about keeping in touch, visiting while he's there? Is he moving there to stay or planning to come back? I guess I'm a little cynical, but if he's moving to another country and didn't ask me to come with him, I'd consider the relationship pretty much over. Long distance relationships can work, but they have to be very strong and both parties have to want it to work.
Trust me, I've thought about that too!!! I guess we're both cynical! I don't know any of the answers to the questions you ask, which is something that I've asked myself over and over for the past 2 weeks since he told me. It's driving me crazy....
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Old 08-20-2008, 08:57 AM   #11
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I honestly do not know if long distance relationships work or not, but I do know this... Don't be pressured by anyone to do one thing or another. You and your boyfriend really need to be comfortable in the situation. Sometimes our friends and family think they know what is 'BEST' for us. Their opinions matter to us and sometimes those opinions are not right for us. So you & your boyfriend really need to decide what you want to do going forward together.
Thank you for your input, I'm really appreciating all the inputs.
The thing about my best friend is that she surprised me by turning out to be the kinda girl that when she found the guy she was looking for, she jumped in, got married and had a kid, a beautiful baby boy that I'm lucky enough to call my nephew. This worked for her and even through her pregnancy and home responsibilities managed to finish her BS.
Thay being said, I understand why her push for me to make a choice, and to make the choice to follow him to South America is because it worked for her. I just don't think I could do it....I'm scared!
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Old 08-20-2008, 09:09 AM   #12
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Yes and No....

Can a long distance relationship work between the right people? Yes. Will it be easy? Definitely not. If you or he are even slightly jealous people right now,then multiply those feeling by thousands of miles and you can see that its not a pretty picture. However, if you love each other and are committed enough, you CAN make it work. Be prepared for the reality of it though. You will be sad and lonely ALOT. Unless you're the kind of person that can channel all that free time into something positive then a LDR may not be for you.

As far as moving is concerned... I have in fact moved from Mississippi alllllllll the way to Texas (a long way for a girl who came home every other weekend of college to see her momma!) My then boyfriend and his best friend (who happened to be my best girlfriends boyfriend) moved to Fort Worth for work. We had been doing the long distance thing for a year. It was rough, so we (my best friend and I) along with another friend moved to Texas! The 3 of us girls got an apartment together (living with a man your not married to is a serious no no in my mom's world). Well needless to say after a year of living in Texas, things did not work out between my boyfriend and I (and Courtney and Jason had broken up like 6 months in...) My roommates and I missed our families alot. So we all decided to move back to Mississippi since there was nothing holding us in Texas anymore.

Back to my point.... Would I do it all over again? YES! There are so many people who live life without taking chances or experiencing things. I have priceless memories of my year in Texas both with and without the boyfriend. It gave me a chance to see how strong I really was. Bottom line is make whatever decision makes sense to you!

P.S. Sorry this is so ridiculously long!

P.S.S. Maybe hasn't invited you along because he is sure you'll say no. If you WANT an invitation, then drop a hint or two. Like the next time you're talking about it, say "You're gonna need a bigger suitcase, if I'm gonna hide in it all the way through customs..." and see what he says!
Thank you so much for your input. I think if I faced a situation of moving to another state, I would do it in a heartbeat! (Even though I've always said I'd never leave my Sunny California!!!!) No second guessing, or anything, mostly because I know there is an opportunity for me to finish my education anywhere here and still be able to come back to Cali and set up my own clinic here. I know that sounds selfish but that would be my dream come true!!! Crossing international lines on a 13 hour flight....I'm going to need an oxygen tank in his suitcase!
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Old 08-20-2008, 09:12 AM   #13
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First and foremost, don't let others (your best friend) force you into making a decision! She needs to back off a bit and let you think on your own. They may have your best interest at heart but sometimes can lead you in the wrong direction!
This is a big decision for you. I do believe in "if its meant to be, its meant to be". I wouldn't want him deviate him from what he wants to do especially if this is something taht will effect him for the rest of his life. There's nothing wrong with going to school in another country and coming back to the US and doing your residency here. A lot of doctors do it and they are all good doctors. Getting into medical school is brutal, I know because my sister went through it and is doing her residency now. She ended up going to get her masters in public health first since she didn't get accepted to medical school that year. So I would support him.
Now as far as you, it depends if you have your own plans. You need to focus on what you need to do with your life. I think going to vet school is a brilliant idea! School will keep you busy and lead you in the right direction as far as your future.
Your other option is to move with him and pursue your vet school there, although there may be a language barrier there? Don't want to put your goals on the back burner for him and then resent him later! How close is he to moving? How come he hasn't asked you to move with him? Maybe you can find out if he would mind you coming along and make your decision from there on.
Good luck to you, this will be a difficult decision, thats for sure!!
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Old 08-20-2008, 09:32 AM   #14
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In my opinion they don't work, but that is just from what i've seen and heard. Everyone i know that have tried it ended up breaking up, but im sure there have been some that have worked. I just know for me it would def. not work, i need to see my bf almost everyday lol
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Old 08-20-2008, 09:36 AM   #15
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First and foremost, don't let others (your best friend) force you into making a decision! She needs to back off a bit and let you think on your own. They may have your best interest at heart but sometimes can lead you in the wrong direction!
This is a big decision for you. I do believe in "if its meant to be, its meant to be". I wouldn't want him deviate him from what he wants to do especially if this is something taht will effect him for the rest of his life. There's nothing wrong with going to school in another country and coming back to the US and doing your residency here. A lot of doctors do it and they are all good doctors. Getting into medical school is brutal, I know because my sister went through it and is doing her residency now. She ended up going to get her masters in public health first since she didn't get accepted to medical school that year. So I would support him.
Now as far as you, it depends if you have your own plans. You need to focus on what you need to do with your life. I think going to vet school is a brilliant idea! School will keep you busy and lead you in the right direction as far as your future.
Your other option is to move with him and pursue your vet school there, although there may be a language barrier there? Don't want to put your goals on the back burner for him and then resent him later! How close is he to moving? How come he hasn't asked you to move with him? Maybe you can find out if he would mind you coming along and make your decision from there on.
Good luck to you, this will be a difficult decision, thats for sure!!
Thanks for your input. I was hesitating bringing my problem here, but it turns out to be the smartest thing I've ever done!! Seeing everything laid out in front of me is easier than just having it run over and over in my head.
Language barrier? Somewhat, it's a spanish speaking country and I do speak spanish, but I'm use to reading, writing, and just overall studying in spanish, and the same goes for him. That's one of my biggest concerns for him. I'm also worried that by him moving, and this is from my understanding based on what he's told me, all his effort that he has put here in the schools here would be thrown out the window and he's going to start all over again, which defeats one of the purposes of him going.
How close is it? He would be leaving

Another important fact that I failed to mention, he hasn't decided yet. He's not sure if to finish his BS here and continue on to Med school, or leave everything behind and start over in a new place. I on the other hand I am about to finish my BA in June.
PLEASE let me know if I'm over sharing!! This is just very stressful for me!
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