Does life ever get better after death? - YorkieTalk.com Forums

Charlies Angel · 02-05-2008, 11:05 AM

I'm having an emotional day today. Last year, January 27, 2007 to be exact my dad died from liver cancer. That was the hardest most HORRIBLE experience I have ever had. My dad and I were never close, he chose drugs, alcohol, and his so called "friends" over his own family. He was in and out of my life sometimes for 4 or more years either he was in prison,my parents were "separated", or he just moved out.. Needless to say, we were never really close...I'd let him him...and as soon I had my daddy back and felt safe he'd walk out. Thankfully the last year I had with him we made up, he became "normal" and he was finally my daddy again. I've said such hurtful things to him in the past, I even said, "When I get married I don't want my daddy to walk me down the aisle and could care less if he was dead." I hate my words. My dad died 6 months before my wedding. I have lived with the guilt since then and I just want to kick myself in rear for being so stupid and mean. After my dad died I realized how much he really did love me and it took God taking him out of my life to figure it out. He may have not been there but somehow he made sure us girls had absolutely everything we wanted. I cant recall once that I said "Thanks". I feel like I've failed as a daughter and could have done more. After he died I quit believing in God and pretty much everything. I hated life and honestly still do. I lost my faith and my soul. My spirit is in such turmoil and I've prayed and prayed and nothing seems to get better. I just dont understand why God had to take my daddy away and I guess I never will. For a while everything seemed fun, but today just because my car is having some type of transmission/or brake problem I dont know yet (daddy always did everything for my care and I was just thinking if ONLY he were here) , I flip out and start thinking of the past and all this guilt is just weighing me down and I'm going back into my funk...Sorry so long I just needed to vent and maybe someone out there understands and has some type of wisdom to offer I feel lost and helpless....

JeanieK · 02-05-2008, 11:13 AM

God forgives you and you need to forgive yourself. You were a kid. Kids do things like that.

Talk to your Dad and tell him how sorry your are. He'll hear you if he is in your heart.

Talk to God and ask him for strength, wisdom and inner peace. he'll guide you through this.

Everthing happens for a reason. Death is not a punishment for anyone involved. Think about what lesson you are to learn from this and then become a better person from it all. If you do that, you dad will not have died in vain.

chachi · 02-05-2008, 11:13 AM

I am sorry your going through this. It does get better in time. I lost My Mother and My Husbands Dad who I really loved in one year so it seemed like there was a gray cloud over my house for a while. The holidays are never the same. My best advice I can give you is to get out make friends, join clubs and spend time with other loved ones. We spend alot of time with My Husbands Mom and go on vacations with her . It will get easier in time

jencar98 · 02-05-2008, 11:17 AM

I'm sorry you're going thru these emotions right now. Understand they are perfectly normal feelings. Although you do, you shouldn't feel guilty about what you've said in the past about your Dad, anymore than you would have wanted your father to feel guilt for choosing his path in life. And trust me, I know he probably did feel horrible guilt. But you wouldn't have wanted him to hurt like that and he would not ever want that for you either.

I've been thru numerous deaths of my dearest family members and know how you feel. I won't go into details as they are not important. What I will say is that when I've felt as you are now, the best medicine for me is to find someone else that needs help. Something about helping others will always lift my spirits and make me feel good.

Time will take the edge off of your pain, it doesn't ever leave you but the sharpness of the pain does get better.

Hope I've said something that will help you get thru this day and I'll be keeping you in my prayers! Hugs!

Bizzymammabee · 02-05-2008, 11:18 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Charlies Angel

I'm having an emotional day today. Last year, January 27, 2007 to be exact my dad died from liver cancer. That was the hardest most HORRIBLE experience I have ever had. My dad and I were never close, he chose drugs, alcohol, and his so called "friends" over his own family. He was in and out of my life sometimes for 4 or more years either he was in prison,my parents were "separated", or he just moved out.. Needless to say, we were never really close...I'd let him him...and as soon I had my daddy back and felt safe he'd walk out. Thankfully the last year I had with him we made up, he became "normal" and he was finally my daddy again. I've said such hurtful things to him in the past, I even said, "When I get married I don't want my daddy to walk me down the aisle and could care less if he was dead." I hate my words. My dad died 6 months before my wedding. I have lived with the guilt since then and I just want to kick myself in rear for being so stupid and mean. After my dad died I realized how much he really did love me and it took God taking him out of my life to figure it out. He may have not been there but somehow he made sure us girls had absolutely everything we wanted. I cant recall once that I said "Thanks". I feel like I've failed as a daughter and could have done more. After he died I quit believing in God and pretty much everything. I hated life and honestly still do. I lost my faith and my soul. My spirit is in such turmoil and I've prayed and prayed and nothing seems to get better. I just dont understand why God had to take my daddy away and I guess I never will. For a while everything seemed fun, but today just because my car is having some type of transmission/or brake problem I dont know yet (daddy always did everything for my care and I was just thinking if ONLY he were here) , I flip out and start thinking of the past and all this guilt is just weighing me down and I'm going back into my funk...Sorry so long I just needed to vent and maybe someone out there understands and has some type of wisdom to offer I feel lost and helpless....

Hon you had the reaction that most children/adolecents that mourn the loss of their parents (yes he was alive but lost to you) do. He knew you only said and conveyed those things out of hurt. He forgave you those words because on some level he knew he deserved them for choosing those drugs, etc over you guys.

Alcohol and drugs are a disease and sadly sometimes it's a stronger calling than that of being a parent.

My MIL had her issues with drugs too and she was a remiss parent at times. Sometimes hubby lashed out and things were strained but he as an adult grew to understand ...not completely forgive but he learned to understand what demons she struggled with.

You showed him you loved him by being there time and time again no matter how much it hurt when he walked away. He knew that your words were not meant really in anger but as a shield to protect the little girl that was hurting. He knows and knew you loved him so don't beat yourself up.

kdlmon · 02-05-2008, 11:59 AM

Stay strong! I know how hard it can be, I lost my mother to cancer when I was 13. 17 years later, there are times when I still have "rough" days. But I am at the point now where I look back and remember only the good memories.

I am sure that the time will come when you are able to let go of the past and look back at the good times. For now be kind to yourself and take care of yourself! I am sure that is what your daddy would want you to do.

tjdmom · 02-05-2008, 01:36 PM

I'm sorry you are going thru this. I think most of us feel guilty for things we should've done or said or for things we should not have done or said. It's a sad part of life that we are so imperfect and you are right that sometimes it's when we lose people it's only then that we truly appreciate them. But I really believe that we all make mistakes and I'm sure your dad would not want you feeling guilty and spending any time agonizing over those things you feel regretful of. Any more than you would want him up in heaven feeling guilty for all the ways he neglected you and wasn't a perfect father. I think you need to forgive yourself and maybe your father too. And as for God, I totally understand how you feel. When I lost my mom who was also my best friend, I couldn't believe God had done that to us all. Every night I would pray and make all kinds of bargains with God and still he let me down but I also have come to appreciate what I did have. Even though I only had my mom for 18 years, I would not ever trade her for anyone else's mom so I feel blessed. I don't really understand why God does these things. I like to think that he doesn't and he is just as sad for me about what has happened as I am. But I also believe there is a better place as hard as it is to envision, and that death is never ever a punishment. Even though it sometimes seems that way to those of us left behind.
I guess my advice would be to write a letter to your dad. Wherever he is, he can hear you and I truly believe that if you listen hard enough, you can hear him too.....

patty58 · 02-05-2008, 01:52 PM

I am so sorry that you are feeling this way right now. I still "talk" to my daddy a lot and he died 8 years ago. I'm sure your daddy wouldn't want you feeling the way you are. That's one thing about being a parent, we always forgive our kids. And we love them no matter what they say or do. We ALL lash out in anger. Remember honey that God LOVES you and cares about you. I know you have been praying to Him but you have to really open your heart and let Him heal you...He will....you just have to let Him. I will remember you in my prayers.

mojo · 02-05-2008, 01:54 PM

I believe we are put here on earth to learn lessons. Sounds like your father had some hard lessons to learn. I know what it is like to live with a person like that.
YOU HAVE NOTHING TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT.
I truly believe your father is happy now, and wouldn't he forgive you and want for you to be happy?
We have all said things we have regreted later.
I really think you should consider counseling; it sounds like you need somebody to talk to.
I am so sorry.

scrappysmom · 02-05-2008, 02:28 PM

my beliefs are when you go to heaven there is no hatred ,no illness and no ugliness ,i belive you are healthy and happy,im sure your dad is wishing he chose family over his other life that he chose,you have nothing to feel guilty about im sure he is very proud of you.

IluvLucy · 02-05-2008, 02:58 PM

It's so sad to hear you suffering so. One of the hardest things to do is to forgive ourselves.

Our Father promised forgiveness and it has been given. All parents make mistakes and most of us know it at the moment we make them.

I'm sure your Dad didn't hold anything you said against you.

Pray about this and I'll pray also that you find peace.

CocosMom · 02-05-2008, 05:05 PM

I am sorry you are so upset and sad.

I wish I knew the answer to your questions, too. I lost my dad to cancer 4 months ago.

I feel alot like you. My dad and I were always super close. But I miss him so much and I really need him.

I am also a Christian, but I am finding it very hard to find any comfort in God right now. People say you grow closer to Him, but I am not finding that true at all. I hate to even go to church now. I end up sitting in the bathroom crying every Sunday.

I just tried to go to a Christian grief counseling group, but I quit, it was too hard.

My dad died on a Tues day, so I do really bad on Tuesdays. I still lay in bed and cry every day. Or if I'm out and someone asks me or something reminds me of him.

I guess we can just both pray that someday we feel some peace.

I know he has peace and is in Heaven and not suffering, but I'm still miserable here without him.

I keep begging Jesus to come back for us NOW, but so far he hasn't.

I'll keep you lifted up in prayer!

Charlies Angel · 02-07-2008, 10:16 AM

Thanks to all-all of your words were very comforting and I appreciate the all the caring words each of you said. You made my soul feel a little more peacful as each day goes on I learn to accept it more. If any of you are in a praying mood please dont forget to pray for me. I just want to find peace already. Thanks again to all and God bless

sherrijmkassie · 02-07-2008, 10:55 AM

My mother died of liver cancer as well. I was 13 and a brat, she was a great mum so my story is different that way. One of the last things I said to her before she died was to call her an old hag, we didnt know she had cancer at the time not that I am sure that would have made any difference.

For years I beat myself up over that being one of the last things I said to her and in general was pissed at the world and my mother for leaving me. I have since learned a lot and forgiven myself as I know that is what my mother would want.

I have total peace with her having left us at such an early age and can see all the good as to why it happened. I truly hope and pray you can find that same peace and realize that all things happen for a reason and are what make us the kind, caring and compassionate people we are today.

Hugs

02-05-2008, 11:05 AM	#1
Charlies Angel No Longer a Member Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: Georgia Posts: 311	Does life ever get better after death? I'm having an emotional day today. Last year, January 27, 2007 to be exact my dad died from liver cancer. That was the hardest most HORRIBLE experience I have ever had. My dad and I were never close, he chose drugs, alcohol, and his so called "friends" over his own family. He was in and out of my life sometimes for 4 or more years either he was in prison,my parents were "separated", or he just moved out.. Needless to say, we were never really close...I'd let him him...and as soon I had my daddy back and felt safe he'd walk out. Thankfully the last year I had with him we made up, he became "normal" and he was finally my daddy again. I've said such hurtful things to him in the past, I even said, "When I get married I don't want my daddy to walk me down the aisle and could care less if he was dead." I hate my words. My dad died 6 months before my wedding. I have lived with the guilt since then and I just want to kick myself in rear for being so stupid and mean. After my dad died I realized how much he really did love me and it took God taking him out of my life to figure it out. He may have not been there but somehow he made sure us girls had absolutely everything we wanted. I cant recall once that I said "Thanks". I feel like I've failed as a daughter and could have done more. After he died I quit believing in God and pretty much everything. I hated life and honestly still do. I lost my faith and my soul. My spirit is in such turmoil and I've prayed and prayed and nothing seems to get better. I just dont understand why God had to take my daddy away and I guess I never will. For a while everything seemed fun, but today just because my car is having some type of transmission/or brake problem I dont know yet (daddy always did everything for my care and I was just thinking if ONLY he were here) , I flip out and start thinking of the past and all this guilt is just weighing me down and I'm going back into my funk...Sorry so long I just needed to vent and maybe someone out there understands and has some type of wisdom to offer I feel lost and helpless....

02-05-2008, 11:13 AM	#3
chachi I Love My Yorkies Donating Member Join Date: Feb 2005 Location: Indianapolis, Indiana Posts: 37,147	I am sorry your going through this. It does get better in time. I lost My Mother and My Husbands Dad who I really loved in one year so it seemed like there was a gray cloud over my house for a while. The holidays are never the same. My best advice I can give you is to get out make friends, join clubs and spend time with other loved ones. We spend alot of time with My Husbands Mom and go on vacations with her . It will get easier in time __________________ Chachi's & Jewels Mom Jewels http://www.dogster.com/?132431 Chachi http://www.dogster.com/?132427

02-05-2008, 11:17 AM	#4
jencar98 Donating YT 500 Club Member Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: Oklahoma Posts: 6,435 Blog Entries: 3	I'm sorry you're going thru these emotions right now. Understand they are perfectly normal feelings. Although you do, you shouldn't feel guilty about what you've said in the past about your Dad, anymore than you would have wanted your father to feel guilt for choosing his path in life. And trust me, I know he probably did feel horrible guilt. But you wouldn't have wanted him to hurt like that and he would not ever want that for you either. I've been thru numerous deaths of my dearest family members and know how you feel. I won't go into details as they are not important. What I will say is that when I've felt as you are now, the best medicine for me is to find someone else that needs help. Something about helping others will always lift my spirits and make me feel good. Time will take the edge off of your pain, it doesn't ever leave you but the sharpness of the pain does get better. Hope I've said something that will help you get thru this day and I'll be keeping you in my prayers! Hugs! __________________ ~Ruby, Reno, Razz, & Jack~

02-05-2008, 01:52 PM	#8
patty58 Donating YT 5000 Club Member Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: texas Posts: 5,272	I am so sorry that you are feeling this way right now. I still "talk" to my daddy a lot and he died 8 years ago. I'm sure your daddy wouldn't want you feeling the way you are. That's one thing about being a parent, we always forgive our kids. And we love them no matter what they say or do. We ALL lash out in anger. Remember honey that God LOVES you and cares about you. I know you have been praying to Him but you have to really open your heart and let Him heal you...He will....you just have to let Him. I will remember you in my prayers. __________________ Decide To Make It A Good Day

02-05-2008, 01:54 PM	#9
mojo Donating YT 500 Club Member Join Date: Feb 2005 Location: Here, there Posts: 2,693	I believe we are put here on earth to learn lessons. Sounds like your father had some hard lessons to learn. I know what it is like to live with a person like that. YOU HAVE NOTHING TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT. I truly believe your father is happy now, and wouldn't he forgive you and want for you to be happy? We have all said things we have regreted later. I really think you should consider counseling; it sounds like you need somebody to talk to. I am so sorry. __________________ Bella (I miss you) Sachi Emmy

02-05-2008, 11:13 AM	#2
JeanieK Donating YT 12K Club Member Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Council Bluffs Iowa Posts: 12,552	God forgives you and you need to forgive yourself. You were a kid. Kids do things like that. Talk to your Dad and tell him how sorry your are. He'll hear you if he is in your heart. Talk to God and ask him for strength, wisdom and inner peace. he'll guide you through this. Everthing happens for a reason. Death is not a punishment for anyone involved. Think about what lesson you are to learn from this and then become a better person from it all. If you do that, you dad will not have died in vain.

02-05-2008, 11:59 AM	#6
kdlmon ☺Cooper☺ Donating Member Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Bay Area, California Posts: 775	Stay strong! I know how hard it can be, I lost my mother to cancer when I was 13. 17 years later, there are times when I still have "rough" days. But I am at the point now where I look back and remember only the good memories. I am sure that the time will come when you are able to let go of the past and look back at the good times. For now be kind to yourself and take care of yourself! I am sure that is what your daddy would want you to do.

02-05-2008, 01:36 PM	#7
tjdmom Donating YT 500 Club Member Join Date: May 2007 Location: upstate ny Posts: 5,847	I'm sorry you are going thru this. I think most of us feel guilty for things we should've done or said or for things we should not have done or said. It's a sad part of life that we are so imperfect and you are right that sometimes it's when we lose people it's only then that we truly appreciate them. But I really believe that we all make mistakes and I'm sure your dad would not want you feeling guilty and spending any time agonizing over those things you feel regretful of. Any more than you would want him up in heaven feeling guilty for all the ways he neglected you and wasn't a perfect father. I think you need to forgive yourself and maybe your father too. And as for God, I totally understand how you feel. When I lost my mom who was also my best friend, I couldn't believe God had done that to us all. Every night I would pray and make all kinds of bargains with God and still he let me down but I also have come to appreciate what I did have. Even though I only had my mom for 18 years, I would not ever trade her for anyone else's mom so I feel blessed. I don't really understand why God does these things. I like to think that he doesn't and he is just as sad for me about what has happened as I am. But I also believe there is a better place as hard as it is to envision, and that death is never ever a punishment. Even though it sometimes seems that way to those of us left behind. I guess my advice would be to write a letter to your dad. Wherever he is, he can hear you and I truly believe that if you listen hard enough, you can hear him too.....

02-05-2008, 02:28 PM	#10
scrappysmom Mommy's Baby Doo Donating Member Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: DesMoines ,Ia Posts: 5,318	my beliefs are when you go to heaven there is no hatred ,no illness and no ugliness ,i belive you are healthy and happy,im sure your dad is wishing he chose family over his other life that he chose,you have nothing to feel guilty about im sure he is very proud of you. __________________ mommy to Lizzie, charliegirl Rip Scrappy doo, Rip Sunday.

02-05-2008, 02:58 PM	#11
IluvLucy Lovin' Lucy & Rebel Donating Member Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: Georgia Posts: 4,438	It's so sad to hear you suffering so. One of the hardest things to do is to forgive ourselves. Our Father promised forgiveness and it has been given. All parents make mistakes and most of us know it at the moment we make them. I'm sure your Dad didn't hold anything you said against you. Pray about this and I'll pray also that you find peace. __________________ Kim , Rebel ,and baby Dixie RIP my sweet Lucy

02-05-2008, 05:05 PM	#12
CocosMom Sweet Coco Kisses Donating Member Join Date: Feb 2005 Location: PA Posts: 1,355	I am sorry you are so upset and sad. I wish I knew the answer to your questions, too. I lost my dad to cancer 4 months ago. I feel alot like you. My dad and I were always super close. But I miss him so much and I really need him. I am also a Christian, but I am finding it very hard to find any comfort in God right now. People say you grow closer to Him, but I am not finding that true at all. I hate to even go to church now. I end up sitting in the bathroom crying every Sunday. I just tried to go to a Christian grief counseling group, but I quit, it was too hard. My dad died on a Tues day, so I do really bad on Tuesdays. I still lay in bed and cry every day. Or if I'm out and someone asks me or something reminds me of him. I guess we can just both pray that someday we feel some peace. I know he has peace and is in Heaven and not suffering, but I'm still miserable here without him. I keep begging Jesus to come back for us NOW, but so far he hasn't. I'll keep you lifted up in prayer! __________________ Lori & Coco Kises Daisy Duke & Elma "BE STILL AND KNOW"

02-07-2008, 10:16 AM	#13
Charlies Angel No Longer a Member Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: Georgia Posts: 311	Thanks to all-all of your words were very comforting and I appreciate the all the caring words each of you said. You made my soul feel a little more peacful as each day goes on I learn to accept it more. If any of you are in a praying mood please dont forget to pray for me. I just want to find peace already. Thanks again to all and God bless

02-07-2008, 10:55 AM	#14
sherrijmkassie The Queen is back Donating Member Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Canada Posts: 3,918	My mother died of liver cancer as well. I was 13 and a brat, she was a great mum so my story is different that way. One of the last things I said to her before she died was to call her an old hag, we didnt know she had cancer at the time not that I am sure that would have made any difference. For years I beat myself up over that being one of the last things I said to her and in general was pissed at the world and my mother for leaving me. I have since learned a lot and forgiven myself as I know that is what my mother would want. I have total peace with her having left us at such an early age and can see all the good as to why it happened. I truly hope and pray you can find that same peace and realize that all things happen for a reason and are what make us the kind, caring and compassionate people we are today. Hugs __________________ Sherri , Cinnamon & Chai. RIP Kassie. .