I'm sorry you are going thru this. I think most of us feel guilty for things we should've done or said or for things we should not have done or said. It's a sad part of life that we are so imperfect and you are right that sometimes it's when we lose people it's only then that we truly appreciate them. But I really believe that we all make mistakes and I'm sure your dad would not want you feeling guilty and spending any time agonizing over those things you feel regretful of. Any more than you would want him up in heaven feeling guilty for all the ways he neglected you and wasn't a perfect father. I think you need to forgive yourself and maybe your father too. And as for God, I totally understand how you feel. When I lost my mom who was also my best friend, I couldn't believe God had done that to us all. Every night I would pray and make all kinds of bargains with God and still he let me down but I also have come to appreciate what I did have. Even though I only had my mom for 18 years, I would not ever trade her for anyone else's mom so I feel blessed. I don't really understand why God does these things. I like to think that he doesn't and he is just as sad for me about what has happened as I am. But I also believe there is a better place as hard as it is to envision, and that death is never ever a punishment. Even though it sometimes seems that way to those of us left behind.
I guess my advice would be to write a letter to your dad. Wherever he is, he can hear you and I truly believe that if you listen hard enough, you can hear him too..... |