Unbiased Advice Needed

[Darlin Beauxs]

Im am going to try to make this is as short as I can, but it will be hard.

I have a friend I've known since I was 14. Because of this, she is really more like family, to me. We fell out of touch for a few years, over a dumb argument her MARRIED boyfriend started between us. Her parents and other sister still continued to come to our home and visit when they passed thru, so when thier Dad passed away, I was right there.

My friend had developed a serious drinking and drug habit during the time we were estranged. She went to rehab and/or was hospitalized 5 times in 2 years for drug and alcohol issues. She always started back using again, each time more worse than before. I have believed her EVERYTIME she said she was going to get clean. I have bought groceries, and paid to get her vehicle from storage for no insurance, beleiveing everytime that she was going to straighten up.

Anyway, in May of this year, she tried to kill herself by taking a whole bottle of xanax. She did this because she failed to make her bankruptcy payments, and her house was going into foreclosure.

So we staged a mini-intervention. I am a notary, so I drew up a Power of Attorney for her sister to handle her affairs, and we all agreed that this is it--if she walked off, NO ONE was giving her a home. The caseworker found an long-term (6-36 mo) rehab, which happens to be in my city. It is Christian based, and free!

Not a month after she went in rehab, we discovered she is pregnant. I ended up having to get the power of attorney revoked, and I handle her business, because her sister sold off all of her belongings of value (appliances, etc) and blew the money, and her last 2 paychecks--all gone. All she has left is the income tax and stimulus checks that came to my home, because I changed her mailing address.

At first, I thought she was doing well. After 90 days, she gets bimonthly overnite visits. She comes to my home since her brother in law will not allow her in his home, and her stepfather still drinks.

Here is my issue: every time she comes here, she thinks it is about HER. Where she wants to go, we should only do what SHE wants, etc. She cries and pouts when things don't go her way. She thought I should arrange a booty call with another male friend of hers, I told her no way. It is always a fight. I get ridiculed by everyone for dealing with it. Husband and I feel that I am doing enough by supporting her when no one else has, and she needs to fit in to our lifestyle, not the other way around.


On the last weekend she didn't come here, I went to visit her, and they made her ask me to leave, since she didn't fill out her paperwork to request a visitor. Nice, huh?

Also, this has caused tension at home, because husband is a neat freak, and I have a garage PACKED with her belongings, which will be here indefinitely. I told her to please not ask her mother to drop off anything else here, because it causes problems. She asked her mother to bring the rest of her clothes, the rehab said it was ok for her to have them. It filled up the back of a van. When her mother got there, they told her that *** could not have that many belongings, and they did nt have time to search it. So it came to my house too.

Anyhow, this past Sat night she was here. I told her ahead of time that we would be chaperoning my neighbor child's halloween party. When the party started, we walked over and I introduced her to the couple, She stayed there for five minutes, then announced IN FRONT OF THEM--that these were my friends, not hers, and she was uncomfortable and wanted to go home.

I have never been so embarrassed. I told her to go on and go, but the next morning I took her back an hour early, without letting her stop for cigarrettes, and told her that if she was so selfish that she couldn't try to participate in what I had going on, there was no point in her coming. I told her I would still attend all the support meetings I am required to go to (2x per mo), and if she wanted me to visit, I would.

I called this week and she left me off her visitors list. I feel so used and hurt. I want to cry, but I can't. It makes me sick to my stomach because everyone told me this is how she would act. I am so sorry to type my life out, but I have no one to talk to about this, because my husband says if I am going to talk about her, he is not listening. Everyone else laughs and says I told you so.

Please give me some help.

[bchgirl]

Wow....

Addicts do not think about anyone but themselves. Personally I think you were a terrific friend...and she is not your friend. The fault lies with her...not you.

I'd be done with it....it doesn't sound like you would losing anything.

[Darlin Beauxs]

Really no, I guess I wouldn't. My Dad asked me why I keep sticking by her, and I guess I am just hoping for a happy ending. I feel so sorry for this baby, who is going to be born in a rehab. I want her to be OK. But I also want to be valued, and respected.

It also hurts that I fought so hard for her--confronting her sister about stealing, revoking the power of attorney, and arguing with her family, and for what? I know in her weekly phone call she told her mother that I dropped her off at the rehab and was mean to her. I'm the bad person.

My real best friend gets married this Saturday. We got in to a huge fight when we met for me to try on dresses, because I was trying to handle this other girls business at the same time. She said I was a horrible friend and had neglected her and my husband to take care of a junkie. IT escalated, and now I am not in her wedding. We haven't spoken since August. Even a Bridezilla episode makes me bawl about now.

I feel like I lost so much, for nothing. All I have is my husband, my dogs, and my friends on here.

[TresCutePiggies]

Bless your heart. It's hard not to take things personally when you have given so much of yourself to a person who is so selfish.

It's easy for me to say I'd be done with her, but I have never been in your shoes. You have already done so much for her, but it seems like she can't see that.

Would YOU be okay if you no longer had anything to do with her? Is that a realistic option?

I think the bottom line is you may end up sacrificing yourself for someone who will never say thank you and realize all that you have done for them. I know it must be exhausting dealing with it day in and day out, and it sounds like it's starting to take a toll on your other relationships.

At some point you have to do what is best for YOU. It seems to me you have done more for your friend than anyone else in her life. You are a true friend, but some point you are being self destructive in continuing this relationship. I think you might be the only person who knows when that time has come.

I'm not sure I helped much, but I think I would try my best to walk away and never look back. You have done all you can, including sacrificing yourself.

[chachi]

You have been the best friend she could ever ask for. Shes not going to understand untill she hits rock bottom and youve got to let her do it

[Darlin Beauxs]

In the five months she has been there, her Mother has been to see her only four times, and her sister twice. It is 100 miles away. They didn't come when they had her little ceremony for 90 days clean.

She said she was never going to her mother's for an overnite visit, but suddenly changed her mind. She gets a whole weekend away in december. her mother had the nerve to ask me if I would pick her up on Friday, bring her on Sat am to the babyshower, and then she would take her back.

I agreed, only because I know she misses her family. When I told her the plans, she blew up and said the only reason why she asked her mom to get her for 2 nights is so she could spend one night with this guy friend.

He is the last person she was with--and she has trichomoniasis. 4 rounds of antiobiotics haven't cured it yet, but all she thinks about is this guy.

She hasn't purchased one thing for baby, and husband says we are not spending any more than what we would for a normal shower gift.

The whole thing breaks my heart.

[Gypsy & Me]

Who is going to care for the baby when it's born?

I think you are doing the best you can but to some people the best is never good enough unfortunately.

[Darlin Beauxs]

The rehab actually has a home for mothers with kids, so he will get to stay with her.

Her doctor happens to live in my neighborhood. He asked her if she planned on giving the baby up for adoption. I don't think he feels she is emotionally ready either. Then he asked her in front of me if I was going to be raising the baby. I go to every doctor's appointment with her.

[TresCutePiggies]

Oh goodness! I know how easy to take on the problems of others, especially when it comes to an innocent baby, but it is NOT your responsibility to raise this child or take care of your friend. You are clearly being taken advantage of. I'm sure the doctor didn't mean anything harmful with his remark, but I'm guessing it only served to make you feel guilty like you should be doing more...(though I can't imagine what else you could be doing for her).

My guess is your friend will start talking to you again when she wants something from you, and you will only end up feeling worse.

I'm frustrated just hearing about the situation.

Is there someone (a counselor) YOU could talk to about this situation? I know there are several organizations specifically for friends and family of addicts.

[jencar98]

Trust me on this one.....life is too short to continue such a toxic relationship. If after explaining to your friend your feelings, she does not change her behavior you need to move on. As much as it may hurt you to do so, it's not really fair to yourself or your husband to allow her to make you miserable.

The thing is, a few years from now, she will be the same addicted, selfish person, and you will have wasted time that is better spent doing something more productive and pleasing.

Good luck!

[MeganS]

Oh my gosh. I have no advice for you but you sound like you've been such a fantastic friend to her and everyone needs someone like you in their lives. I'm sending prayers, hugs, and good thoughts to you.

[Yorkiefan49]

First of all, you are an incredible person. She may take years to realize that.......or she may never realize that. But you are. I STRONGLY suggest you should look up an Al-ANON group near you. you will find people in your same position, you will comfort, answers and ways to not be an enabler, but still be there for her. It is good for you too as far as learning how she practices her steps if she is toremain sober. You may ask her rehab for resources also. Best of luck to you. You are a real angel.

[LDandPasquale]

Are you trying to help her cause you're hoping things will go back to being what they once were someday?

Cause its never going to be the same. You have to face reality about that. You have been the best friend you can be to her. You have gone beyond what most would...even her family. And you are at risk for losing your husband...cause you do realize he eventually is going to get sick of it too, right? So now she is not only screwing up her life...but also taking you down with her. THIS IS NO FRIEND!! Friendship is not a one way street. It's obvious she doesnt want help. My advice would be to break the ties...go on with your life...know that you did everything you could...and start involving yourself with people that actually care about your friendship. There are too many good people in this world!!

[Darlin Beauxs]

Oh goodness! I know how easy to take on the problems of others, especially when it comes to an innocent baby, but it is NOT your responsibility to raise this child or take care of your friend. You are clearly being taken advantage of. I'm sure the doctor didn't mean anything harmful with his remark, but I'm guessing it only served to make you feel guilty like you should be doing more...(though I can't imagine what else you could be doing for her).

My guess is your friend will start talking to you again when she wants something from you, and you will only end up feeling worse.

I'm frustrated just hearing about the situation.

Is there someone (a counselor) YOU could talk to about this situation? I know there are several organizations specifically for friends and family of addicts.


I see a counselor affiliated with the rehab 2x per month for this. She says that they work on social skills there, HA!

Her advice was to 1) put all of her items in a storage shed, and pay the rent out of my friends money--say 6 months.

2) To let her figure her problems out on her own, stop being her problem solver (which I was very guilty of)

At this point, I am just thinking about closing the account I opened for her, and taking a cashier's check to the rehab, and to let them deal with it. I mentioned this to "friend" and she said she didn't want them to have control of it. If I give it to any of her family, it will be gone, and I could be sued, since I am her POA.

Yes, everyone is right. My husband is so mad over the entire thing. He refuses to talk about anything that involves her, unless it is something negative (telling me how sorry she is).

Even my Dad, who was the main one encouraging me to stand by her says she is a lost cause, and to walk away.

I just get so scared that she will try to harm herself again, and this baby will be parentless. Her sister has 2 kids and says she WILL NOT take one, and their mother forced friend to give a child up for adoption when we were younger, because she said she raised her kids and will NOT raise more.

[Darlin Beauxs]

Originally Posted by LDandPasquale

Are you trying to help her cause you're hoping things will go back to being what they once were someday?

Cause its never going to be the same. You have to face reality about that. You have been the best friend you can be to her. You have gone beyond what most would...even her family. And you are at risk for losing your husband...cause you do realize he eventually is going to get sick of it too, right? So now she is not only screwing up her life...but also taking you down with her. THIS IS NO FRIEND!! Friendship is not a one way street. It's obvious she doesnt want help. My advice would be to break the ties...go on with your life...know that you did everything you could...and start involving yourself with people that actually care about your friendship. There are too many good people in this world!!

Thank you. Yes, she always throws up how she is bettering her life, blah blah, but I told her she has no alternative BUT to stay in rehab, she lost her home! She could be there, or in one of their apts for a while, because there are over 700 people on the waiting list for housing assistance in our parish.

That is one positive.

I tell her all the time a day clean in rehab is nothing. A day clean on her own is what counts.