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Old 01-09-2009, 08:29 AM   #1
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Default Help me find the words!

So, I signed up with one of these online dating sites. I have been chatting online with this guy. He is gorgeous, a Major General serving in the Army in Afghanistan. He is super sweet, writes me little poems every day. He really seems to be "An Officer and a Gentleman". We seem to have some things in common, but I'm not sure how much of it he is just telling me what I want to hear. He didn't really open up about his likes etc. until after I shared mine. It's really hard to get information out of him.

Here's the deal. He wants someone who loves kids. He has a beautiful little daughter by his first wife (she passed from cancer 5 years ago). While I'm sure his daughter is wonderful, I have no interest in kids, never wanted them, still don't. I have my Master's degree, I don't think he is educated beyond high school. There is nothing wrong with that but I am looking for someone who is able to stimulate me intellectually and just don't think he can. I really think he is lonely and has started getting attached to me. I think he is looking for a replacement for his first wife and a mother for his daughter; I don't think I can give him either. I keep having these visions that he will come home on leave and expect to move in with me. What can I say to let him know that I would like to be his friend but don't think there is a future in the romance department? I know I could do a lot worse and I really feel for him being in Afghanistan with his daughter living with her grandmother in Malaysia. "Dear Abby", please help!
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Old 01-09-2009, 09:34 AM   #2
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I wouldn't rule anything out yet...you haven't even met him in person. I would just be honest---you have never spent any time with him, you only know him through correspondence, and that you should take it SLOOOOOOW.
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Old 01-09-2009, 11:25 AM   #3
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I agree with Alison, honesty is the best policy.
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Old 01-09-2009, 11:54 AM   #4
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Boy...I'm really conflicted for you . On one hand, I reallllly think you should meet him - he sounds really wonderful. On the other, if the kids thing really bothers you, then maybe not? But I don't know, maybe he would open a world of possibilities in your heart once you met him, including being open to a relationship w/ his daughter (later on). Ya just never know. He sounds so DE-LISH!
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Old 01-09-2009, 12:38 PM   #5
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Why don't you meet him first. Make sure it's in a public place. If you still have the same feelings I'd be honest with him about your feelings (maybe not about the intellectual thing), and tell him you'll be there for him to talk with, but you just can't see yourself being a mom. Maybe on the second date if you want to you can do something with him and his daughter, and see how you feel after that. It's way to soon to move in together, or to get serious.
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Old 01-09-2009, 12:39 PM   #6
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Boy...I'm really conflicted for you . On one hand, I reallllly think you should meet him - he sounds really wonderful. On the other, if the kids thing really bothers you, then maybe not? But I don't know, maybe he would open a world of possibilities in your heart once you met him, including being open to a relationship w/ his daughter (later on). Ya just never know. He sounds so DE-LISH!
I must admit I am a bit smitten with the guy. He is so sweet and the looks don't hurt either. I just don't want either one of us to get hurt in a big way. I told him where I stand on kids. In essence, I told him I've been single a long time (we are both 48), ruled out kids long ago and never had the desire to have them. That does not mean that I don't like them, I just don't know what it would be like to be around one much of the time. If that is a deal breaker for him, at least the hurt will be small now rather than big later. Honesty is the best policy. I so appreciate having this forum and all of you to chat about life with!
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Old 01-09-2009, 01:11 PM   #7
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I must admit I am a bit smitten with the guy. He is so sweet and the looks don't hurt either. I just don't want either one of us to get hurt in a big way. I told him where I stand on kids. In essence, I told him I've been single a long time (we are both 48), ruled out kids long ago and never had the desire to have them. That does not mean that I don't like them, I just don't know what it would be like to be around one much of the time. If that is a deal breaker for him, at least the hurt will be small now rather than big later. Honesty is the best policy. I so appreciate having this forum and all of you to chat about life with!
Well, it wasn't a deal breaker. He is still interested! Thanks again.
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Old 01-09-2009, 01:18 PM   #8
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I must admit I am a bit smitten with the guy. He is so sweet and the looks don't hurt either. I just don't want either one of us to get hurt in a big way. I told him where I stand on kids. In essence, I told him I've been single a long time (we are both 48), ruled out kids long ago and never had the desire to have them. That does not mean that I don't like them, I just don't know what it would be like to be around one much of the time. If that is a deal breaker for him, at least the hurt will be small now rather than big later. Honesty is the best policy. I so appreciate having this forum and all of you to chat about life with!
I have to say, when I started reading your first post -- I actually had a shiver down my spine for you and this man, Hunkaliciousness.

I'm 40 - and we don't have kidlets either, so I don't know what it would be like too. Me and hubby like kids, we just are more interested in adoption more than our own -- and we may not ever go down the adoption road either. Who knows? But I completely understand where you're coming from. At the same time, I *love* picturing you with this little girl - being her buddy and such.

I'm in love w/ the story - clearly, DON'T listen to me, lol!
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Old 01-09-2009, 02:09 PM   #9
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Well, it wasn't a deal breaker. He is still interested! Thanks again.
YAY! I'm so glad that you talked and you feel more comfortable now. I'm with Ann, it all sounds so FABULOUS! So when does he get home, so ya'll can meet?
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Old 01-09-2009, 03:00 PM   #10
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If he is a Major General I'm sure he has a college degree. I have a friend who was in the Army, then was sent to officer candidate school. He only had a high school education and made it to Lt. When he asked what his chances were of promotion above Lt, they told him chances were slim if any. He went back to school, got his BA and MA. He retired as a Major. I hope thinks work out, give it some time.
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Old 01-09-2009, 03:05 PM   #11
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Keep us posted! I want to hear how this ends up.

Don't be scared off by the education level. I met my husband when I was 40 and he was 47. I had a masters degree too--he only had a semester of college. BUT--this is important---there are different kinds of smarts, and I came to realize that he was VERY SMART in a different way from me.

Long story short---as I got to know him, I appreciated him more and more. My parents, who were not crazy about him at the time, now ADORE him.

It's too early for you to know how this will end up, but unless there is some dealbreaker like totally different values or some sort of character flaw, KEEP AN OPEN MIND. You haven't even met him in person yet!
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Old 01-09-2009, 03:44 PM   #12
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If he is a Major General I'm sure he has a college degree. I have a friend who was in the Army, then was sent to officer candidate school. He only had a high school education and made it to Lt. When he asked what his chances were of promotion above Lt, they told him chances were slim if any. He went back to school, got his BA and MA. He retired as a Major. I hope thinks work out, give it some time.
Thanks, this is good to know. I went back and read his emails again. His father was from the U.S., married a Malaysian woman. At first I took his grammar as less than educated, but it is clear in his poetry. I half wonder if he didn't spend most of his childhood in Malaysia and I am reading broken English rather than lack of education? I asked him to tell me where he went to school, hopefully that will fish out more info. I'll keep everyone posted.

Here are a couple of pics, one in his "Hummie" and the other with his daughter. His name is Tim. I don't know when he is coming home on leave, but he says he will retire from the service in 2 years.
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File Type: jpg Hummie small.jpg (21.3 KB, 27 views)
File Type: jpg TT small.jpg (8.2 KB, 28 views)
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Old 01-09-2009, 04:20 PM   #13
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...... At first I took his grammar as less than educated, but it is clear in his poetry. I half wonder if he didn't spend most of his childhood in Malaysia and I am reading broken English rather than lack of education? I asked him to tell me where he went to school, hopefully that will fish out more info. I'll keep everyone posted.
......
I used to think that (email grammar = smarts)... I met my husband online and we've been married almost 10 yrs, together 11. So i was online dating before it was mainstream...... and I totally wrote off anyone who wrote bad emails back then (not him, he writes very good.) ANYhow, thats not my point... ... Here be my point: my best friend is highly educated (doctor)... and she writes like 3 sentences if even that much in an email, full of punctuation & grammar mistakes... so, if I went by what I used to think, I'd have labeled her a big dummy......goes to show, sometimes you just can't tell about a person by how they write. She just hates to write is all, and prefers the phone. One of THOSE people!!

PS: Your guy there looks really nice & good looking too!!!
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Old 01-09-2009, 06:21 PM   #14
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I'm thinking that if kids are a deal breaker for you then why put time and energy into a relationship that just can not work? He has a daughter and if you have no interest in being a mom then I personally think it would be a waste of time. And what if you fall head over heels.... it's not like he can choose you over his daughter...... Is there something important that I'm missing?
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Old 01-10-2009, 09:18 AM   #15
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I'm thinking that if kids are a deal breaker for you then why put time and energy into a relationship that just can not work? He has a daughter and if you have no interest in being a mom then I personally think it would be a waste of time. And what if you fall head over heels.... it's not like he can choose you over his daughter...... Is there something important that I'm missing?
Now I am thinking my original post might have been premature. I hate to shut the door on what could very well be Mr. Right without even having met the guy in person. I thought my issue with kids was going to be a deal breaker for him but apparently not. I thought his daughter was much younger than she is. She is actually 15. That changes things a whole lot. I found out he went to school in Malaysia, which explains the grammar issue. I'm still waiting to find out if he went to college or not. However, I did some research on the rank of Major General. It is a two star rank. I don't see College as a requirement but the President of the U.S. has to give the OK for a person to achieve that rank. It is achieved through some sort of mechanism of earning points and honors. A Major General generally commands 10,000 to 20,000 people. I would say it takes some smarts to do that.
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