Love, why does it have to hurt? - YorkieTalk.com Forums

veguroev · 08-14-2008, 06:43 PM

14 years ago, I was going to marry my boyfriend. We had everything ready, it was going to be on October 10th, 1994. I was in love, and the happiest person in the world. 10 days before the wedding boyfriend comes to my house to tell me that he has something very important to tell me. We sat down and he told me that he had to leave out of the city for work reasons, I told him that he didn't have to worry about anything because everything was ready for the BIG day. He looked at me and told me that there wasn't going to be a wedding. He didn't want to get married, he wanted to live and have fun and meet girls and be single for a long time before he decided to get married. I told him that I would wait for him as long as he wanted.... I was so in love, he was my first boyfriend, I didn't want to loose him. He told me that he didn't want me to do that and the reason of calling of the wedding is because he didn't want to marry me. I was in shock, I couldn't believe it. I wanted to die so bad. Life didn't make any sense to me without him.
He took off. Leaving me with the pain and with the embarrassment of calling people to tell them that there was no wedding. Sell all the stuff we had bought for our apartment. Fortunately, my family was very supportive and helped me with all that while I was in bed wanting to die.
I stopped going to school, I stopped going to work, I stopped eating. I slept all day for weeks, until Mom told me, you had to get up and go to a psychologist you can't be this way any longer. I went to a few sessions, but nobody could help me, my pain was so deep that it was killing me, but decided to do something and register for the following semester in college, and started working out. One night, Mom and sisters told me that ex boyfriend had gotten married to his neighbor!!!!. That was 2 months after he had dumped me!! needles to say, I went back to zombie mode...until one day my mom told me that she had everything ready for me to come to the US to study English, passport and visa in hand she told me you are living in 2 days, you are staying with your godparents and they are going to take care of you while you are there.
I came to the US and like it, everything was new to me I met new people, a different culture, trying to adapt to this new world was my challenge. Then I started to see things different and I liked being single! I started dating again.!,
It's been 13 something years since then and I'm now married and love hubby and love my life, yes we've had rough times, but no marriage is perfect, plus we love each other to let our marriage fail.
There was only one thing, I always said that If I saw my ex again, I would thank him for leaving me, because if I had marry him I wouldn't had the opportunity to live and discover the wonders of life and I would also ask him why he left me for that woman if he knew he meant the world to me.
Well, be careful what you wish for! he ran into a friend of mine last Christmas and my friend gave him my email address. I didn't know any of this until yesterday, my friend never mentioned anything to me.
Ex boyfriend emails me yesterday and tell me he thought a lot before he could email me, but he decided to do it.
When I opened my email last night I saw his name and I was like WTF!!!, so I read it and he tells me If I'm ok, that he wants to know about me and what's of my life and blah blah blah..... I reply back and ask him why he is emailing me what do you want I asked him. He just wants me to forgive him for what he did to me, he said that he acted like a coward. He knows he hurt me but he wants me to forgive him. I asked him if he was about to die or why he is doing this now.....why does he want me to forgive him??? I have so many questions, I'm mad, I'm hurt, I'm confused.... Then he asks me at the end of the email if I'm happy in my marriage, because he is not!!! WTF!!!
I feel bad for replying, I shouldn't had done it, but I want him to know that he is not welcome back into my life at all.
All this just happened last night and today. I haven't old anything to my husband. He knows the whole ordeal, but he doesn't know about the emails. Should I tell him? or, should I not bother, since this isn't going anywhere?
What would you do?

MeganS · 08-14-2008, 06:54 PM

Oh my goodness. I can't imagine what a battle that must have been for you...and for him to suddenly think it's ok to come back and ask you to forgive him...just like that. Idiot man! I don't know what to say as far as your husband goes? I mean...if you want to tell him...do you think he'll have a problem with it? I always figured it would be better to not have secrets in marriages...but if you don't think it's an important thing then I don't think it's necessary to tell him if you don't want to. Do you think he'd have a bad reaction?

Anyway. I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with this. Big hugs.

TammyJM · 08-14-2008, 06:58 PM

Tell him that you are sorry for his misfortune, but thankful for the life learning experience that he aided you in. I would also be sure to tell him that, as much as you would love to hear more of his sob story, he is married and that is the person that he should be turning to. Tell him that you are madly in love with your husband and that he and you have discussed the fact that your ex has emailed and you both are in agreement that he needs to NOT do this again.

kpstoybox · 08-14-2008, 07:09 PM

I agree. As harmless as these emails seem to you...your husband might not think the same. In your heart of hearts...how do you think your hubby would react...should he find out months/years down the road that you were having this convo (with an ex that meant the world to you at one time in your life)...and you never told him?

If this was me...I would tell him about the emails.

alishasmom · 08-14-2008, 07:12 PM

dONT FEEL BAD ABOUT TELLING HIM THAT YOU ARE HAPPY. hE WAS ESPECTING YOU TO SAY OWTHERWISE. YOUR STORY SOUNDS TO FAMILIAR ALMOST AS IF I HAD WROTE IT MYSELF. HE WAS PROBABLY GOING TO USE YOU AS A WAY OUT OF HIS MARRIEAGE, THROUGH MANIPULATION. YOU DID GREAT. FOR YOUR SAKE, I WOULD NEVER READ HIS EMAILS AGAIN. THE PAST HAS WAYS TO SABOTAGE THE PRESENT. BE ALERT!!!

a2luckygirl · 08-14-2008, 07:14 PM

Boy I do not know what to tell you!
but i would not accept his email- and let it go- just like he did years ago!
That's just what I'd do- if it was me!

DvlshAngel985 · 08-14-2008, 07:21 PM

Great advice!
I'm not in the exact same boat, but I had a boyfriend once that I thought I was madly in love with. He turned out to be the kind of guy that "loves" you one minute, and then disappears the next. He ended up breaking up with me via text message and gave me an explanation via e-mail. I got a lame story about how my his old gang buddies turned on him since he left the gang and blah blah blah. He too quickly moved on with someone new. I think he was already seeing her while he was dating me. I was devastaded! I was sad. Luckily, 2 years after the breakup I too found someone great. We've been together for over 2 years. A few weeks ago the ex sent me a message as yours did.
I was annoyed and I too wanted to thank him and rub it in his face how great my life is now. First thing I did was tell my boyfriend. He's my bestfriend and I knew he would understand. We had a good laugh about it and that was the end of it. No contact whatsoever, it's not really worth it. I know it's not the same magnitude of hurt your ex cuased you, but I think the moral of the story is it's in the past. Yes I know you want answers, you want explanations, but what will you really gain?
Re-opening old wounds? What he did was hurtfull but answers won't change the great life you have now. Focus on that, and just let him know he's no longer welcome in your life. If you know your hubby would understand, let him (the ex) know what's going on and do as TammyJM advices, tell him he's no longer welcome. ENJOY YOUR HAPPY LIFE!!!

alishasmom · 08-14-2008, 07:23 PM

bY THE WAY, I FORGOT TO TELL YOU, IT'S BEST IF HE THINKS YOU FORGIVE HIM BY A MARE "THERE IS NOTHING TO FORGIVE, EVERYTHING IS IN THE PAST" THAT WOULD MAKE YOU LOOK STRONGER AND MATURE, AND BELIEVE IT OR NOT, IT'S THE BEST REVANGE. "iT WAS NOTHING, JUST NOTHING". mOST OF ALL, MAKE SURE HE NEVER KNOWS WHAT YOU WHENT THROU

Wylie's Mom · 08-14-2008, 07:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TammyJM

Tell him that you are sorry for his misfortune, but thankful for the life learning experience that he aided you in. I would also be sure to tell him that, as much as you would love to hear more of his sob story, he is married and that is the person that he should be turning to. Tell him that you are madly in love with your husband and that he and you have discussed the fact that your ex has emailed and you both are in agreement that he needs to NOT do this again.

I like what Tammy has said.

I also think that from your reaction, you're still very "hooked in" to this man - probably bc he wounded you so terribly. This may be your opportunity to finally set those feelings free and unburden yourself. I don't mean unburden as in - let 'er rip. I mean - say something like what Tammy is suggesting and then affirm to him and yourself in the email: "Yes, I forgive you. We no longer are tied to each other in any way or have any connection to each other. The past is in the past and I let it go. I am happy my life turned out this way and I wish you well." Or something to that effect - so that you're setting the feelings free somehow and cutting the tie. And letting him know that he does NOT have his hooks in you. Hope it goes well.

amandawash · 08-14-2008, 07:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wylie's Mom

I like what Tammy has said.

I also think that from your reaction, you're still very "hooked in" to this man - probably bc he wounded you so terribly. This may be your opportunity to finally set those feelings free and unburden yourself. I don't mean unburden as in - let 'er rip. I mean - say something like what Tammy is suggesting and then affirm to him and yourself in the email: "Yes, I forgive you. We no longer are tied to each other in any way or have any connection to each other. The past is in the past and I let it go. I am happy my life turned out this way and I wish you well." Or something to that effect - so that you're setting the feelings free somehow and cutting the tie. And letting him know that he does NOT have his hooks in you. Hope it goes well.

That's a really good post. I really do think you should tell your husband. It is much better that he find out now than later on. I also think you should tell your ex- "of course I forgive you buddy!! In fact, I THANK YOU!!!! I would never have found the love of my life if things hadn't worked out the way they had. Hope everything works great for you."

Leave it at that. Seriously. Good luck!

Tiggerwit · 08-14-2008, 07:50 PM

I think you need to tell your hubby and out of respect for him, you and your marriage, let the ex be an ex and ignore him. He did you a favor as you said, now be true to that. A lot of time has passed and there's no need to rehash it and relive it. Don't do that to yourself, what's the point?

I know it's hard. Feelings sometimes over right the common sense. I'm sorry and I wish you well. You will make the right decision to you in the long run.

veguroev · 08-14-2008, 08:10 PM

I just told hubby and he was fine with me telling him about it. He doesn't think much of the ex. He says "you snooze you loose" and ex lost

Hubby knows how much I love him.

spr377 · 08-14-2008, 08:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by amandawash

That's a really good post. I really do think you should tell your husband. It is much better that he find out now than later on. I also think you should tell your ex- "of course I forgive you buddy!! In fact, I THANK YOU!!!! I would never have found the love of my life if things hadn't worked out the way they had. Hope everything works great for you."

Leave it at that. Seriously. Good luck!

Great advice!

DvlshAngel985 · 08-14-2008, 08:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wylie's Mom

I like what Tammy has said.

I also think that from your reaction, you're still very "hooked in" to this man - probably bc he wounded you so terribly. This may be your opportunity to finally set those feelings free and unburden yourself. I don't mean unburden as in - let 'er rip. I mean - say something like what Tammy is suggesting and then affirm to him and yourself in the email: "Yes, I forgive you. We no longer are tied to each other in any way or have any connection to each other. The past is in the past and I let it go. I am happy my life turned out this way and I wish you well." Or something to that effect - so that you're setting the feelings free somehow and cutting the tie. And letting him know that he does NOT have his hooks in you. Hope it goes well.

I think you're suggestion is perfect! I hope the OP is helped by your words!!

Catrina · 08-14-2008, 09:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wylie's Mom

I like what Tammy has said.

I also think that from your reaction, you're still very "hooked in" to this man - probably bc he wounded you so terribly. This may be your opportunity to finally set those feelings free and unburden yourself. I don't mean unburden as in - let 'er rip. I mean - say something like what Tammy is suggesting and then affirm to him and yourself in the email: "Yes, I forgive you. We no longer are tied to each other in any way or have any connection to each other. The past is in the past and I let it go. I am happy my life turned out this way and I wish you well." Or something to that effect - so that you're setting the feelings free somehow and cutting the tie. And letting him know that he does NOT have his hooks in you. Hope it goes well.

just make it short and simple and end it there.. also i think you should definitely tell your husband.. there really shouldnt be any secrets in a marriage and he might be hurt if he found out you kept it from him. plus im sure you would not like it if your husband kept an email from you too!

08-14-2008, 06:43 PM	#1
veguroev Donating YT 1000 Club Member Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: Space City Posts: 2,079	Love, why does it have to hurt? 14 years ago, I was going to marry my boyfriend. We had everything ready, it was going to be on October 10th, 1994. I was in love, and the happiest person in the world. 10 days before the wedding boyfriend comes to my house to tell me that he has something very important to tell me. We sat down and he told me that he had to leave out of the city for work reasons, I told him that he didn't have to worry about anything because everything was ready for the BIG day. He looked at me and told me that there wasn't going to be a wedding. He didn't want to get married, he wanted to live and have fun and meet girls and be single for a long time before he decided to get married. I told him that I would wait for him as long as he wanted.... I was so in love, he was my first boyfriend, I didn't want to loose him. He told me that he didn't want me to do that and the reason of calling of the wedding is because he didn't want to marry me. I was in shock, I couldn't believe it. I wanted to die so bad. Life didn't make any sense to me without him. He took off. Leaving me with the pain and with the embarrassment of calling people to tell them that there was no wedding. Sell all the stuff we had bought for our apartment. Fortunately, my family was very supportive and helped me with all that while I was in bed wanting to die. I stopped going to school, I stopped going to work, I stopped eating. I slept all day for weeks, until Mom told me, you had to get up and go to a psychologist you can't be this way any longer. I went to a few sessions, but nobody could help me, my pain was so deep that it was killing me, but decided to do something and register for the following semester in college, and started working out. One night, Mom and sisters told me that ex boyfriend had gotten married to his neighbor!!!!. That was 2 months after he had dumped me!! needles to say, I went back to zombie mode...until one day my mom told me that she had everything ready for me to come to the US to study English, passport and visa in hand she told me you are living in 2 days, you are staying with your godparents and they are going to take care of you while you are there. I came to the US and like it, everything was new to me I met new people, a different culture, trying to adapt to this new world was my challenge. Then I started to see things different and I liked being single! I started dating again.!, It's been 13 something years since then and I'm now married and love hubby and love my life, yes we've had rough times, but no marriage is perfect, plus we love each other to let our marriage fail. There was only one thing, I always said that If I saw my ex again, I would thank him for leaving me, because if I had marry him I wouldn't had the opportunity to live and discover the wonders of life and I would also ask him why he left me for that woman if he knew he meant the world to me. Well, be careful what you wish for! he ran into a friend of mine last Christmas and my friend gave him my email address. I didn't know any of this until yesterday, my friend never mentioned anything to me. Ex boyfriend emails me yesterday and tell me he thought a lot before he could email me, but he decided to do it. When I opened my email last night I saw his name and I was like WTF!!!, so I read it and he tells me If I'm ok, that he wants to know about me and what's of my life and blah blah blah..... I reply back and ask him why he is emailing me what do you want I asked him. He just wants me to forgive him for what he did to me, he said that he acted like a coward. He knows he hurt me but he wants me to forgive him. I asked him if he was about to die or why he is doing this now.....why does he want me to forgive him??? I have so many questions, I'm mad, I'm hurt, I'm confused.... Then he asks me at the end of the email if I'm happy in my marriage, because he is not!!! WTF!!! I feel bad for replying, I shouldn't had done it, but I want him to know that he is not welcome back into my life at all. All this just happened last night and today. I haven't old anything to my husband. He knows the whole ordeal, but he doesn't know about the emails. Should I tell him? or, should I not bother, since this isn't going anywhere? What would you do? __________________ IF THERE ARE NO DOGS IN HEAVEN, THEN WHEN I DIE I WANT TO GO WHERE THEY GO. CHIKIS, OSCARITO,JEROME, KIKI, AND NEGRITA.

08-14-2008, 06:54 PM	#2
MeganS Donating YT 7000 Club Member Join Date: May 2005 Location: New Jersey Posts: 12,016 Blog Entries: 1	Oh my goodness. I can't imagine what a battle that must have been for you...and for him to suddenly think it's ok to come back and ask you to forgive him...just like that. Idiot man! I don't know what to say as far as your husband goes? I mean...if you want to tell him...do you think he'll have a problem with it? I always figured it would be better to not have secrets in marriages...but if you don't think it's an important thing then I don't think it's necessary to tell him if you don't want to. Do you think he'd have a bad reaction? Anyway. I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with this. Big hugs. __________________ Megan "I have my dreams, I have made plans." - The Pirate Queen All Gave Some; Some Gave All

08-14-2008, 07:14 PM	#6
a2luckygirl YT 2000 Club Member Join Date: Dec 2007 Location: HASTINGS, NE- 4 NOW!!! Posts: 2,208	Boy I do not know what to tell you! but i would not accept his email- and let it go- just like he did years ago! That's just what I'd do- if it was me! __________________ :I PLAYING....THE BANJO........ AND KISSING MY MOMMY:kiss3

08-14-2008, 07:21 PM	#7
DvlshAngel985 Donating YT 2000 Club Member Join Date: May 2008 Location: Los Angeles, California, USA Posts: 12,693	Great advice! I'm not in the exact same boat, but I had a boyfriend once that I thought I was madly in love with. He turned out to be the kind of guy that "loves" you one minute, and then disappears the next. He ended up breaking up with me via text message and gave me an explanation via e-mail. I got a lame story about how my his old gang buddies turned on him since he left the gang and blah blah blah. He too quickly moved on with someone new. I think he was already seeing her while he was dating me. I was devastaded! I was sad. Luckily, 2 years after the breakup I too found someone great. We've been together for over 2 years. A few weeks ago the ex sent me a message as yours did. I was annoyed and I too wanted to thank him and rub it in his face how great my life is now. First thing I did was tell my boyfriend. He's my bestfriend and I knew he would understand. We had a good laugh about it and that was the end of it. No contact whatsoever, it's not really worth it. I know it's not the same magnitude of hurt your ex cuased you, but I think the moral of the story is it's in the past. Yes I know you want answers, you want explanations, but what will you really gain? Re-opening old wounds? What he did was hurtfull but answers won't change the great life you have now. Focus on that, and just let him know he's no longer welcome in your life. If you know your hubby would understand, let him (the ex) know what's going on and do as TammyJM advices, tell him he's no longer welcome. ENJOY YOUR HAPPY LIFE!!! Last edited by DvlshAngel985; 08-14-2008 at 07:23 PM.

08-14-2008, 07:50 PM	#11
Tiggerwit Just me 'n my boys Donating Member Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: Murphy, TX Posts: 4,596	I think you need to tell your hubby and out of respect for him, you and your marriage, let the ex be an ex and ignore him. He did you a favor as you said, now be true to that. A lot of time has passed and there's no need to rehash it and relive it. Don't do that to yourself, what's the point? I know it's hard. Feelings sometimes over right the common sense. I'm sorry and I wish you well. You will make the right decision to you in the long run. __________________ "Be kinder than necessary, for everyone is fighting some kind of battle." Alphy 's Roxy

08-14-2008, 06:58 PM	#3
TammyJM No Longer a Member Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: With My Beautiful Fur Babies! Posts: 5,525	Tell him that you are sorry for his misfortune, but thankful for the life learning experience that he aided you in. I would also be sure to tell him that, as much as you would love to hear more of his sob story, he is married and that is the person that he should be turning to. Tell him that you are madly in love with your husband and that he and you have discussed the fact that your ex has emailed and you both are in agreement that he needs to NOT do this again.

08-14-2008, 07:09 PM	#4
kpstoybox Do you like Parti's?" Donating Member Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Michigan Posts: 2,337	I agree. As harmless as these emails seem to you...your husband might not think the same. In your heart of hearts...how do you think your hubby would react...should he find out months/years down the road that you were having this convo (with an ex that meant the world to you at one time in your life)...and you never told him? If this was me...I would tell him about the emails.

08-14-2008, 07:12 PM	#5
alishasmom YT 500 Club Member Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Chinquapin NC Posts: 654	dONT FEEL BAD ABOUT TELLING HIM THAT YOU ARE HAPPY. hE WAS ESPECTING YOU TO SAY OWTHERWISE. YOUR STORY SOUNDS TO FAMILIAR ALMOST AS IF I HAD WROTE IT MYSELF. HE WAS PROBABLY GOING TO USE YOU AS A WAY OUT OF HIS MARRIEAGE, THROUGH MANIPULATION. YOU DID GREAT. FOR YOUR SAKE, I WOULD NEVER READ HIS EMAILS AGAIN. THE PAST HAS WAYS TO SABOTAGE THE PRESENT. BE ALERT!!!

08-14-2008, 07:23 PM	#8
alishasmom YT 500 Club Member Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Chinquapin NC Posts: 654	bY THE WAY, I FORGOT TO TELL YOU, IT'S BEST IF HE THINKS YOU FORGIVE HIM BY A MARE "THERE IS NOTHING TO FORGIVE, EVERYTHING IS IN THE PAST" THAT WOULD MAKE YOU LOOK STRONGER AND MATURE, AND BELIEVE IT OR NOT, IT'S THE BEST REVANGE. "iT WAS NOTHING, JUST NOTHING". mOST OF ALL, MAKE SURE HE NEVER KNOWS WHAT YOU WHENT THROU

08-14-2008, 08:10 PM	#12
veguroev Donating YT 1000 Club Member Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: Space City Posts: 2,079	I just told hubby and he was fine with me telling him about it. He doesn't think much of the ex. He says "you snooze you loose" and ex lost Hubby knows how much I love him. __________________ IF THERE ARE NO DOGS IN HEAVEN, THEN WHEN I DIE I WANT TO GO WHERE THEY GO. CHIKIS, OSCARITO,JEROME, KIKI, AND NEGRITA.