Love, why does it have to hurt?

[LaPeque]

I think the above posters have given you excellent advice – a short & sweet email confirming that you are happy and madly in love, and wishing your ex well is all that is needed. I wouldn’t have any contact with him from that point on … your history is just too laden with hurt and disappointment – any further correspondence probably wouldn’t be healthy for you or your marriage.

I called of an engagement to a wonderful person a few years ago. (Albeit 9 months before the wedding – certainly not days before). Since the day of the engagement I had had a persistent, nagging feeling that I just wasn’t ready for marriage – that there were things I still wanted to do first and I didn’t have peace about making a lifelong commitment just yet. I was afraid I would end up resenting my fiancé and blaming him for my thwarted dreams. So I broke the engagement, moved to Europe, got my MA and proceeded to have some of the best years of my life.

When I finally emerged from my *me me me* self-centered stage, I really reflected on the hurt I had caused my fiancé – at that time I did contact him and ask for forgiveness. I was wrought with guilt, and truly wanted to hear that he was happy … because he definitely deserved to be, and because I needed relief from my own agonizing sense of culpability. I was genuinely thrilled to hear that he was engaged to a wonderful woman who was so compatible with him, and it allowed me to completely close that chapter of my life and move on.

Give the guy that much … he might finally and honestly just have realized what he did to you and need to hear that you forgive him, even though your under no obligation to do so. But beyond that, you owe him nothing.

I do believe that everything happens for a reason. In the end, my calling off the wedding probably saved my fiancé a lifetime of misery being married to me. It sounds like your ex saved you from similar misery. Thank him for it, and move on.

And tell your husband.

[ladyj]

Honey, block this guy's mail and don't ever think about him again! He's not worth your time. He'll only bring you more grief and he's given you enough of that for your lifetime. He's unhappy and wants to make you the same. Give him the old heave-ho and get on with your happy life.

[JesStang]

Wow, I've been in this same situation before (just not so many years apart).
My boyfriend of 4.5 years and I broke up over 2 years ago. Of course I was devastated but I met someone else. We've been dating for 2 years now and I'm happy to be w/ him and in love w/ him!
I think like a year ago, my ex emailed me saying that he was still in love w/ me and always regretted us breaking up. At that point, I could careless about him so I just told him that. I think I pretty much said, "I'm sorry that you're not happy but that's not my problem anymore."

Your ex is only emailing you to make himself feel better and that is wrong. You just need to tell him that you're happy, you're sorry that he's not (even though you're probably not), and that's about it. He needs to leave you alone... don't be scared to tell him either!

[ellie81]

I would tell him. Trust is a very important element in a marriage and little things like this can affect it. If you know that those emails are not going anywhere it's better to tell him. That way you'll be clean. If he sees those emails and you haven't told him he's gonna think you're hiding something, even if you're not. So, telling him it's a way of covering yourself of any misunderstanding. Anyway, your ex is the one who contacted you in the first place and you told him you don't want anything to do with him.
As a chistian myself I know I need to forgive, even if I'm hurt by people. Forgiveness is a choice, not a feeling. You choose to forgive someone because it's what God wants, even if I'm still hurt. God will take care of my healing. If easier to heal when you forgive than when you don't. That doesn't mean that you're ok with what he's done to you, but it means that you have overcome it.
You can tell him that you forgive him but you don't want to be in contact with him. You're a happy now and he only brings painful memories. I would tell him that you're sorry he's not happy, but that's a result of our own life choices.
I think that if you tell him that you don't forgive him it means that you're still hurting because there are still feelings going on. By telling him you forgive it means that your strong and you have overcome everything.
But that's just what I would do.

[MyPeanutAbbyGra]

Originally Posted by veguroev

I just told hubby and he was fine with me telling him about it. He doesn't think much of the ex. He says "you snooze you loose" and ex lost
Hubby knows how much I love him.

Good for you! Now I would end all contact with him! Because I can almost guarantee that if you don't, it will somehow end in heartbreak.
My guess is he was a loser and is still a loser.

Give your husband a big hug and thank God that you have a wonderful life with him

[mminichan]

I would say.........block your ex fiance and do not talk to him anymore. There is no need for him to be in your life anymore. You and him are past tense!

And to answer your question about if you should tell your DH that your ex emailed you...let me ask you this...if your hubby' ex emailed him, do you want him to tell you? Would you be upset or mad if he didn't tell you? If your answer is you will be upset that he didn't tell you about this. Then, there you go! You should tell your hubby about this ex email thingey then!

Good luck!

[mminichan]

After I posted above post, I realized you already told your hubby!! Good for you!!!

[celstu1]

since I am a bitter woman... left at the alter .. kind of... also... (3 years ago) I would say "NO, I do not forgive you. I despise you and always will. To me you are scum of the earth. My marriage is wonderful, I LOVE my husband more than anyone in the world. I've built a wonderful life in the US and I never looked back. Please lose my contact information and NEVER contact me again." Then block him.

Don't bother telling hubby since you don't want anything to go anywhere ... unless it bothers you enough to affect your home life. Forget about the ex. Hes an A$$ and deserves all the wrath that you can dish out. (((HUGS)))

[pea496]

I would tell the husband and post the ex's email address in the trash section, that way you won't receive any more emails.

[4doggiemama]

You sound like a very wise young lady who is madly in love with her hubby. Also a very understanding dh. Be nice if there were more of you out there. Maybe there wouldn't be an over-50% divorce rate in our country. Hang on to what you have. Joanne

[lucyaboo]

Good, now that you have told your husband, I would delete the emails & address, put it out of your mind & continue to have a wonderful life with your hubby!!

[nvnvgirl]

Originally Posted by LaPeque

I think the above posters have given you excellent advice – a short & sweet email confirming that you are happy and madly in love, and wishing your ex well is all that is needed. I wouldn’t have any contact with him from that point on … your history is just too laden with hurt and disappointment – any further correspondence probably wouldn’t be healthy for you or your marriage.

I called of an engagement to a wonderful person a few years ago. (Albeit 9 months before the wedding – certainly not days before). Since the day of the engagement I had had a persistent, nagging feeling that I just wasn’t ready for marriage – that there were things I still wanted to do first and I didn’t have peace about making a lifelong commitment just yet. I was afraid I would end up resenting my fiancé and blaming him for my thwarted dreams. So I broke the engagement, moved to Europe, got my MA and proceeded to have some of the best years of my life.

When I finally emerged from my *me me me* self-centered stage, I really reflected on the hurt I had caused my fiancé – at that time I did contact him and ask for forgiveness. I was wrought with guilt, and truly wanted to hear that he was happy … because he definitely deserved to be, and because I needed relief from my own agonizing sense of culpability. I was genuinely thrilled to hear that he was engaged to a wonderful woman who was so compatible with him, and it allowed me to completely close that chapter of my life and move on.

Give the guy that much … he might finally and honestly just have realized what he did to you and need to hear that you forgive him, even though your under no obligation to do so. But beyond that, you owe him nothing.

I do believe that everything happens for a reason. In the end, my calling off the wedding probably saved my fiancé a lifetime of misery being married to me. It sounds like your ex saved you from similar misery. Thank him for it, and move on.

And tell your husband.

I agree with all of this. I did the same thing a long time ago. At the time, I felt it was for the best....you know, when things just don't work out the way you think they will and you try to elicit changes so it will, but it still doesn't? And you don't want to be a big whiner, so you just keep it to yourself, thinking (Like above poster says..the 'me, me, me" stage) "I deserve better"....so you've carried all those conversations on with yourself and make your plans but when the time comes, you're too big of a coward to face hurting the other person, so you just leave. I just didn't want to deal with anymore talking about it b/c I'd made up MY mind....years later, I realized how incredibly selfish and cruel it was, but I was too immature to deal with it matter-of-factly and humanely.
I have no designs on my ex at all, I'm not sorry I left him b/c I was convinced then, as I am now that we didn't have the same goals, but I'm sorry for the WAY I went about it. I should have been more considerate.
And maybe that's what your ex is trying to do, nothing more than apologize. I don't even need my ex's forgiveness; I wouldn't blame him for hating me forever, but it was important to me that he at least have the satisfaction of knowing that I was remorseful for being so unfeeling at the time. And part of that was b/c I felt if I talked anymore to him, he'd talk me into staying which I knew wasn't what I wanted. I think there's other people who are just as immature as I was and maybe he's just one of them.

I would def. tell your dh though about the email. He wouldn't like it if he found out somewhere down the line by accident, esp. if he knows you kept it from him. Then he'd wonder why and you'd have a big ball of wax on your hands.

I'm glad you've moved on with your life; I just hope the guy's trying to let you know that it wasn't YOU; it was HIM and not trying to insinuate himself into your life again! Good luck!

[veguroev]

Although, I haven't heard his side of the story, and I don't think I ever will. It's good to know the other side of the story throughout you guys. I mean for the ones who where on my ex's side shoes.
I don't know if I mentioned this before, but in a way I'm happy it happened. Otherwise, I wouldn't be married to my handsome, loving and caring husband . I don't think my life would be the way it is right now.
It hurt, a whole lot, but not anymore. Time healed the wounds in the heart.
I guess, in a way I'm happy he emailed me because I always wanted him to apologize to me, I never thought it was going to happen.
Yes, I do believe things happen for a reason. I'm a firm believer of that.
I haven't emailed him back yet about closing this chapter, but I will do it tomorrow, and that would be it.