Looking for advice. Warning: Long and personal

[SarahandElisha]

I think that when it comes to breaking up, which is an extremely difficult thing to do, we tend to look for excuses. "We're not working out because I can't get this other guy out of my head". It seems to me like from everything you have said, you two weren't working out long before this other guy came along. "On-again off-again" really isn't long-term material. Once you're married, you ideally don't want to be off-again. Only you know, maybe you can work it out. I generally believe that one breakup and then getting back together may mean that you had some issues to work out. If it's a regular part of your relationship, something is wrong.

When I was 18 I started dating a guy quite a bit older than me (mid-20s). We dated for three years. On-again, off-again. He was at a place in his life where he was really ready to settle down and there was a lot of pressure on me from him and his family to get married. At 21, I wasn't ready to commit to that. When his job offered him a promotion in New York, he gave me an ultimatum: come as my wife or not at all. I chose not at all.

I decided to take a full year to be single. I promised myself. I had never really been single since the age of 17. I was a completely different person now. I lasted about 8 months. I dated, I flirted, I partied. I made mistakes and I made great memories. Then I met the current boy. Funny, when we met, we both though we were not each other's type. We both thought it would just be a casual thing. Almost two years later.... I've come to realize that on-again off-again does not work. He and I are great together. Even if we argue or have an off day or even an off week, we are always together. We talk and communicate a lot (something that is huge for me). We kiss and say "I love you" every night before ed, even if we are in the midst of a disagreement. We hold hands when we are talking out a problem. Part of commiting to someone for the long haul, I believe, is commiting to be there for each other no matter what. You can't be there when it's good but storm off when it's bad.

If you feel like you two can't be there for each other and love each other more when it's bad than when it's good, then you should really think long and hard about it. Ten years from now, where do you see your relationship together? Can you imagine him being the father of your children?

Breaking up is never easy, but if you know deep down that this isn't "it", the heartache will be easier now than down the road.

That being said, I'm not a believer in "soul mates". I believe we can love a lot of people for a lot of reasons during our lives. Relationships require constant work. They don't just make themselves successful. However, you both have to be there and commited to working at it. Otherwise, I think it's a lost cause.

Hope that whatever you decide you find happiness!

Sarah

[mickey3696]

I am going to chime in on this one because Iv been there.. I feel for you so much. Have you ever heard of Thank God For Unanswered Prayers. God has a plan for you. If you cant get this other guy out of you mind then that should tell you that the one you are with isnt the one you should spend your life with.
I married my high school sweetheart. We were the on again, off again couple in school. It was a game to all our friends to see if we were together that week or off that week. When we were 19 we married had a baby then at 22 we had a 2nd baby. We were never happy. I was always thinking of a guy I had went out with on an off summer. We were living life like nothing was wrong. Just the same thing over and over. We never talked. He also thought nothing was wrong. Well my brother had a friend that called to talk to my hubby one night but my hubby was at work. We talked for a few min and hung up. Well for the next two weeks that guy was all I could think of.Then I was at a store and seen him again and we walked by and said hello, for weeks after that thats all I thought about. We never really talked or anything. Well a few months went by and I couldnt stay with my hubby and I moved out. That was the hardest thing Iv ever done. We had been together since we were 15. He was really all I knew. I too like you felt like I owed it to him to stay. There was just something telling me do it. I had never worked a day in my life, I was a stay-at- home mom. I was scared to death but somehow I got through it. About six months after that I seen my brothers friend again he said he had been waiting for me to figure my life out and asked if I was about there. I told him yes and to end a long store We have been VERY HAPPLY MARRIED for 10 years. We were together for 2 years before we married. I love him more and more every day. We say god had a hand on us. I wish you could see how happy we are. Im sorry this is so long. I just hope it helps. I feel god is trying to tell you something. Please listen to him. If you want someone to talk to just pm me, Id love to talk.

[mickey3696]

Originally Posted by bizzbeth

I agree. It is completely unfair. But I question WHY we aren't working. Is it because I'm not trying hard enough (to push this other guy outta my head and concentrate on what I have) or is it because we really don't mesh well together...

THank you for your input

I feel if it is TRUE LOVE than you would want nothing more than to try with everthing in your heart to make it work. If it was ment to be then you wouldnt need to be asking adivics. I do hope that true love is what you want. I hope you dont guilt yourself into being with the wrong person. There is a lot of divorce going on and if people would listen there might be a lot less of it going on. Only you can know if it is true love or not. Dont guilt yourself into staying. If it was right it would have been right from the start. I do have many friend that have met as kids and have been happy. They have never had the on off thing going for them though. They had problems but never felt the need to break it off. I hope this helps. Sending Prayers !!!

[bizzbeth]

mickey3696,
your reply brought me to tears. I don't want to be unhappy- EVER! I'm the craziest, most outgoing person EVER! I'm so passionate and so creative and adventurous (only when I'm not with the currentBF... which I found out this summer being single and just having fun being ME!) Your story sounds like "it could happen to me" if I keep going down this path. I'll end up married and with kids and still not happy with myself becuase I'm not being true to myself.

I'm ALL about living life to the fullest and truly relishing in the greatness of companionship. I want that so bad and he and I just don't CLICK like that. It's nice to know that it DOES happen for some how do what their heart tells them to do.

[mistyinca]

Originally Posted by bizzbeth

WARNING: LONG... and personal... Looking for advice from those who have more experience

I'll make it as short as possible

I'm almost 22 and have been on/off again dating the same guy since I was 16. We were reallyreally great together until we moved away to (the same) college. Jealousy became an issue on my part (horrible... I know) but we slowly drifted apart after that. We have broken up several times and we have both dated other people. This past summer he broke up with me and refused to speak to me while he dated someone else.
I met this guy. He is 25 and we dated for two months over the summer. Nothing extremely serious (i was also dating other people and he was free to do the same) but we reallyreallyreally hit it off. We would talk for HOURS EVERYNIGHT, all day on the computer while we were both at work and then we'd hang out as much as possible. We never got sick of talking ABOUT EVERYTHING. I'm HUGE on communication! It's sooooo key with me
Long story short... the ex-BF realized he wanted me back and really pressured me to get back together with him. We DO live together during the school year so it was impossible not to see him again eventually.
We got back together.
We fight constantly and I just can't talk to him like I could this other guy. Me and the guy I dated over the summer still talk (but he is now dating the girl he broke up with at the beginning of the summer who he went back to after I got back together with my ex... he admitted me to that he was willing to give me everything he had in order to begin a relationship with me... so I really hurt him when I backed out) AND WHY DID I?? Security? Comfort of what I have always known? Proximity? Pressure?

Not a day goes by that I don't think about what could have been... How horrible is that? I, emotionally, can't give my whole heart to my current BF because I'm always upset that he and I don't click... and now that I know what it feels like to click with someone... it is hard to imagine life without that connection.

BTW- my current BF is convinced we belong together for the long haul.

I don't know what to do and I'm just looking for some advice from women who have grown up a little more, experienced truetrue love/what they thought was love, longterm relationships that maybe shouldn't work but you keep trying to hold it together...

It sounds to me like the old BF really didn't make you feel good about yourself; jealously and insecurities come when some of your important needs are not being met. You don't need that, and it is time to move ahead with people that make you happy and make you feel good about YOU. You don't have to make a lifetime commitment at 22, so enjoy the new boyfriend, and see where the relationship goes.

Now isn't that simple?!

[Yorkiekids]

You deserve to be happy, and communication is the key to a good relationship. I'd just take some time to myself to get you head clear. You'll know when the right one comes along. Unfortunately there will be some pain in the meantime. I know I'm watching my daughter go through bad relationships, and it's really upsetting to watch. I keep telling her the right one will come along, but she really doesn't want to hear it, because she's lonely. I think it's important to surround yourself with good friends, go out and enjoy your life.

[mickey3696]

Originally Posted by bizzbeth

mickey3696,
your reply brought me to tears. I don't want to be unhappy- EVER! I'm the craziest, most outgoing person EVER! I'm so passionate and so creative and adventurous (only when I'm not with the currentBF... which I found out this summer being single and just having fun being ME!) Your story sounds like "it could happen to me" if I keep going down this path. I'll end up married and with kids and still not happy with myself becuase I'm not being true to myself.

I'm ALL about living life to the fullest and truly relishing in the greatness of companionship. I want that so bad and he and I just don't CLICK like that. It's nice to know that it DOES happen for some how do what their heart tells them to do.

We need to swap numbers and talk!!! If you could see me then and now. It is like I was 2 different people. I am so much more now.

[Txgurl06]

i am going through almost the same thing right now. I am not thinking about another guy but i am having problems with my bf(now ex bf as of a couple of days). but our problems are similar to yours.

I think I was my bfs first true love and he was the first guy I really loved and considered marrying in the long run. We do have many things in common but many things that we totally disagree on. His family is a huge part in why we fight too. They are really old school and think the men run the relationship. Like a women is not to talk back and she is to serve the man. At first he didnt think like this and he was soo sweet and didnt care what his family thought but after so much pressure from his mom and (hes a mommas boy) he seems like hes trying to please both of us. I cant live my life not being able to stick up for myself and having a man treat me the way he wants to. (He wanted to go to cooking school so bad but he would have to move to a bigger city and his mom didnt want him to so he went to school for computer science and he figured out that he didnt like it so now hes not in school)

while he was in school i took care of him for almost 2 yrs. His family didnt do anything for him. I supported him. but it seemed like i would never come first no matter what i did. We have been off and on for 3 years.

I think since i was his first love he doesnt know how to handle situations like everytime we would argue he would break up with me and breaking up is a lot to go through. I also had jealousy issues because since i was his first love i felt like he still wasnt sure if he wanted to be with me since he never experienced being with anyone else. He also wanted to go clubbing and i never could go that eventually stopped. Some nights i couldnt find him. that eventually stopped. But for me i felt like there was a lot of mental abuse towards me.

Plus my cousin is married to his brother and Im always compared to her since she is my family. Its super annoying.

I cant say i wouldnt get back with him and i know im dumb. But im not sure unless there was a major change that getting back with him would be what i really wanted. I do think about it everyday that i wasnt sure no matter how much i loved him.

we recently broke up for a couple of weeks because he said he needed time to decide what he wanted and he came crawling back begging me to get back with him which he said he would never do. I kind of liked being single during that time. I didnt have to ask to do anything and didnt get yelled at about what i spent my money on. He swore to me that this time would be different and that he was sorry for how he treated me. He started taking me to dinner and going to watch movies (which we never did by ourselves) that changed afterwards. I think it has to do with I told him during our breakup i went to a sports place with a guy and his friend. The guys said he just wanted me to go and hang out and meet new people. We were just friends. He asked me out a couple of times during that and i always said no because i still loved my ex BF.
When me and my BF got back together i told him about me going out with friends and he said it was a date. I knew he would never forget it.


We have been through way worse stuff but i think there are things about each other that we will never forget and that was one of them. But what can i do at least i told him. anyways lol im done. sorry i dunno if i gave any advice. but even if i dont follow this you should just be single and have fun.
I do stay with my boyfriend because i want him apart of my life somehow and i dont want to be alone.

[bizzbeth]

Originally Posted by Yorkiekids

You deserve to be happy, and communication is the key to a good relationship. I'd just take some time to myself to get you head clear. You'll know when the right one comes along. Unfortunately there will be some pain in the meantime. I know I'm watching my daughter go through bad relationships, and it's really upsetting to watch. I keep telling her the right one will come along, but she really doesn't want to hear it, because she's lonely. I think it's important to surround yourself with good friends, go out and enjoy your life.

It must be hard watching your daughter go through that. It's the opposite with me. My mother is the ONLY one who wants me to stay with my BF. (She has relationship issues... hasn't ever been without a BF since she got prg with me... she always makes sure she is in another relationship before she gets out of her old one.. not good) and all the other female members of my family want me to be happy, explore, get to know myself.

It's hard when your mom tells you, "do you really think anyone could put up with you the way your BF does? Noone will treat you that well" ...

She's the only one who just wants me to have a BF for the sake of not being alone. Blah!

[mickey3696]

Originally Posted by bizzbeth

It must be hard watching your daughter go through that. It's the opposite with me. My mother is the ONLY one who wants me to stay with my BF. (She has relationship issues... hasn't ever been without a BF since she got prg with me... she always makes sure she is in another relationship before she gets out of her old one.. not good) and all the other female members of my family want me to be happy, explore, get to know myself.

It's hard when your mom tells you, "do you really think anyone could put up with you the way your BF does? Noone will treat you that well" ...

She's the only one who just wants me to have a BF for the sake of not being alone. Blah!

OMG My mom told me (aint no good man ever going to want you with 2 kids) She told me if I left him she wasnt goingto help me at all. Then when I did leave she let him move in with her till he got on his feet, 2 years later.... I was the one with the kids he didnt even want to see them.. He wouldnt get them on weekend or even 1 day a week..

[labrown]

I can only tell you about my experiences in my early 20's and hope that it helps you. But I think I have good experiences to share, and everyone needs advice or examples once in a while.

I was a serial dater when I was in HS and starting college. I've had a handful of close relationships. But once I turned 21, I decided to be single for a while. And I think that was the best decision I ever made. I decided that everyone I met (I'm very social too) only had one opportunity with me, and that was to be my friend. It made life so much easier to just extend a hand of friendship to people and not have to worry about the complications of a serious relationship. In that year and a half that I was single, I learned a lot about being a true friend, and I also learned that I have to be my own best friend first. If I need advice, I can get it from myself. It is nice to have people around as sounding boards, but I had to realize that I didn't NEED my friends, but WANTED to have them. And it made great improvements on my friendships and my relationship with myself. I learned to be stronger and know that I can take care of myself. I also think that you can't truly 100% love someone until you first know how to love yourself. You can't share something that you don't completely understand. So THEN, after I had become really comfortable with myself and my life, and had decided NEVER to go back to dating again, I met the BF. I NEVER believed in love at first sight, I thought Romeo and Juliet were horny teens that made stupid mistakes, but when I saw him, it all changed. He just fell in my lap when I wasn't looking for it. So, now that I've shared my wisdom about being single, let me tell you how I feel about this relationship. I love my BF, we lived together for 2 years in KS before we moved to TX together. But when we first started dating, I dumped him because I didn't know if I was ready for a relationship yet. And then a month goes by and I realize that I made a HUGE mistake, and I crawled back to him, told him I loved him, and wanted to get back together. Well, he had started dating this other girl during our time apart, and he actually dated both of us for 2 months at the same time once I had come back to him. I was willing to do anything and put up with a bunch of crap from him to get him back. But I put up with a BUNCH of crap, and he really hurt me. And even to this day I am bitter about what happened when we got back together. I knew he was worth fighting for, and I am very glad I stuck it out, but I just want you to know that when the relationship starts off on a bad foot, you won't forget about it. My BF is so great, we are a great couple, but I still think about how he hurt me every once in a while, and I am just waiting for the day for that hurt to go away.

Really, I don't want to give you much advice, but to just share with you what I've been through. I learned a lot from my big sister's mistakes and experiences in life, and I think learning about other people's relationships helps give light to the one you are in. Hope this helps you, and TXgurl as well. I really feel for you ladies because the heart is a fragile thing, and I know what it feels like to hurt. HUGS!

[celstu1]

I met my ex when I was 19... we broke up when I was 28... we were together almost 10 years. We grew apart... like you and your BF we were young and then as we got older we drifted apart and tried to keep it going... eventually the differences were too much and we were not able to overcome them. Don't let 10 years go by girl. Sounds like you & him are outgrowing each other... that is not a bad thing. Its just time to move on. Your BF now does not know what 'FOREVER' is (the long haul) yet, he will get over it all and move on in his life as will you. Don't stay if you are not happy, this is YOUR life to live... dont let him pressure you into something that does not make you 100% happy! In the end you'll still end up leaving him and it will be MUCH harder than it would be now. Trust me! I wish I left my ex when we broke up when I was 25. Wish I never went back! Instead I put another 3 years into it, only to be 28 (almost 29) and starting over. Now Im 31, still struggling to get over it, am jaded, don't trust men, afraid of commitment, afraid of getting hurt... UUGGHH! Yes I want to get married, but I dont let ANY guy NEAR me! When they try to get close, I dump them and run!

Good Luck! and BE HAPPY!!

[mypreciouspups]

I am not going to read the other post..
first off, I think maybe the old boyfriend wanted you back as he knew you were maybe happier..ya know I do not want her, but do not want anyone else to have her neither...
second..I think you made a mistake on the other guy, but if you love something set it free, if it comes back it is yours, if not then it really was not..
third..I think you need to talk to the guy you live with while going to school and share a place, that you or him either needs to move on, live with others,or just be friends..and move forward in your lives.
fourth..you are young, and I understand security, but you need to know life a bit before you end up getting married, having children, then realize, you want to learn life, grow more, and the live miserable cause you stay together for children...
Now I will read the rest of the post..hope this helped..

[bizzbeth]

I really really really apprieciate the comments and for sharing a part of their lives with me...

It's this horrible feeling realizing that you aren't what HE wants anymore... he NEEDS anymore. and there has been one instance where he said he was keeping me around until something else came along. That was years ago... but I'll never, ever forget it. I don't want to be that girl.

I lived by this quote this summer: "Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life... Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary." STEVE-myfuturehusbad-JOBS

It brought me SO much joy, happiness and life experience. I think my heart alreay has made up its mind... I feel no lustful passion toward my BF and it's puttin ga huge strain on our situation because he thinks everything is fine and i'm just CRAZY but I don't feel that deeper connection to want to be touchyfeely/passionate.
I tried to break up with him last night. He just won't let me. And we live together (with housemates) so it's hard to cut him off and get space away from eachother.

I really really thank you all for offering your words

[celstu1]

Oh I should mention... When my ex and I got engaged, I had dreams of walking down the aisle towards my 'fiance' and he had NO face. No features I mean. Just a blank slate. I think subconsciencely I KNEW that the marriage would never happen, that he was not the one. Many times over the years I often though when I was mad "If I didnt get back with him, id be over him by now" NOT a good mind set! I also lost passion and lust for him as the years progressed. It was not there anymore, and we were both holding onto something that vanished long ago! UUGGHHH! It would spring up every once in awhile, Id catch a glimpse of the happy 'meant-to-be' couple we once thought we were.... but it was not that way anymore.

Anyways I love that quote bc Ive been REALLY living like that since my break up from my ex. I realized that for 10 years I lived his life 100%. Whatever he wanted, we did, else he'd threaten to leave me, break up with me, go sleep somewhere else, etc... so Id give in to avoid fighting. Some say pick your battles but it got to the point where I didnt even fight anymore.. I just didnt care anymore. I also let HIS opinions affect and 'speak louder' than what my heart and soul told me. Im learning now to listen to myself, my intuition, my heart and know that Im doing whats BEST for me. Sadly its a bit late to be JUST learning these lessons, but I was blinded at an early age.

He had his good qualities too, he was not a monster. I met him at a VERY difficult time in my life, my parents were getting divorced and he had 'been there done that' and really emotionally helped me through it!

Again, good luck girl!