I think that when it comes to breaking up, which is an extremely difficult thing to do, we tend to look for excuses. "We're not working out because I can't get this other guy out of my head". It seems to me like from everything you have said, you two weren't working out long before this other guy came along. "On-again off-again" really isn't long-term material. Once you're married, you ideally don't want to be off-again. Only you know, maybe you can work it out. I generally believe that one breakup and then getting back together may mean that you had some issues to work out. If it's a regular part of your relationship, something is wrong.
When I was 18 I started dating a guy quite a bit older than me (mid-20s). We dated for three years. On-again, off-again. He was at a place in his life where he was really ready to settle down and there was a lot of pressure on me from him and his family to get married. At 21, I wasn't ready to commit to that. When his job offered him a promotion in New York, he gave me an ultimatum: come as my wife or not at all. I chose not at all.
I decided to take a full year to be single. I promised myself. I had never really been single since the age of 17. I was a completely different person now. I lasted about 8 months. I dated, I flirted, I partied. I made mistakes and I made great memories. Then I met the current boy. Funny, when we met, we both though we were not each other's type. We both thought it would just be a casual thing. Almost two years later.... I've come to realize that on-again off-again does not work. He and I are great together. Even if we argue or have an off day or even an off week, we are always together. We talk and communicate a lot (something that is huge for me). We kiss and say "I love you" every night before ed, even if we are in the midst of a disagreement. We hold hands when we are talking out a problem. Part of commiting to someone for the long haul, I believe, is commiting to be there for each other no matter what. You can't be there when it's good but storm off when it's bad.
If you feel like you two can't be there for each other and love each other more when it's bad than when it's good, then you should really think long and hard about it. Ten years from now, where do you see your relationship together? Can you imagine him being the father of your children?
Breaking up is never easy, but if you know deep down that this isn't "it", the heartache will be easier now than down the road.
That being said, I'm not a believer in "soul mates". I believe we can love a lot of people for a lot of reasons during our lives. Relationships require constant work. They don't just make themselves successful. However, you both have to be there and commited to working at it. Otherwise, I think it's a lost cause.
Hope that whatever you decide you find happiness!
Sarah |