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Old 12-07-2007, 01:04 AM   #1
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Cry Looking for advice. Warning: Long and personal

WARNING: LONG... and personal... Looking for advice from those who have more experience

I'll make it as short as possible

I'm almost 22 and have been on/off again dating the same guy since I was 16. We were reallyreally great together until we moved away to (the same) college. Jealousy became an issue on my part (horrible... I know) but we slowly drifted apart after that. We have broken up several times and we have both dated other people. This past summer he broke up with me and refused to speak to me while he dated someone else.
I met this guy. He is 25 and we dated for two months over the summer. Nothing extremely serious (i was also dating other people and he was free to do the same) but we reallyreallyreally hit it off. We would talk for HOURS EVERYNIGHT, all day on the computer while we were both at work and then we'd hang out as much as possible. We never got sick of talking ABOUT EVERYTHING. I'm HUGE on communication! It's sooooo key with me
Long story short... the ex-BF realized he wanted me back and really pressured me to get back together with him. We DO live together during the school year so it was impossible not to see him again eventually.
We got back together.
We fight constantly and I just can't talk to him like I could this other guy. Me and the guy I dated over the summer still talk (but he is now dating the girl he broke up with at the beginning of the summer who he went back to after I got back together with my ex... he admitted me to that he was willing to give me everything he had in order to begin a relationship with me... so I really hurt him when I backed out) AND WHY DID I?? Security? Comfort of what I have always known? Proximity? Pressure?

Not a day goes by that I don't think about what could have been... How horrible is that? I, emotionally, can't give my whole heart to my current BF because I'm always upset that he and I don't click... and now that I know what it feels like to click with someone... it is hard to imagine life without that connection.

BTW- my current BF is convinced we belong together for the long haul.

I don't know what to do and I'm just looking for some advice from women who have grown up a little more, experienced truetrue love/what they thought was love, longterm relationships that maybe shouldn't work but you keep trying to hold it together...
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Old 12-07-2007, 03:10 AM   #2
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Just sounds like you guys grew apart while growing up. Your're differen't people now and the relationship isn't working. Sounds like the both of you are each others "back-up" relationship, which shouldn't be the case. If you are not happy why stick through it and make yourself even more miserable.
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Old 12-07-2007, 04:17 AM   #3
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You're so young. You probably hate to hear that but someday you'll be old like me and referring to 22 year olds as young. Please take the time to enjoy being young. You'll have the rest of your life to commit to someone, why not just date for now and not get serious about anyone? As for the guy you dated in the summer, if you wind up with your current boyfriend you will always be left wondering if you would've been happier with someone else. And the guy you dated in the summer, well, it was such a short time, how well do you really know someone but maybe it's worth finding out for sure. Anyways, it's your life and you are an adult so the final decision is yours. I wish you luck whatever you decide.
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Old 12-07-2007, 04:47 AM   #4
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Ahh, the saga of relationships! I will be 49 next month and I have had some wacky relationships and some that I will treasure the rest of my life. Noone tells you how much 'work' relationships can sometimes require and noone can give you all the right answers when you're frustrated and confused. One of the most important things I have learned is that I will not 'settle' for someone just because of comfort, security, etc. - it's just not worth it. There is absolutely nothing wrong with taking time to be alone and finding out exactly what gives you joy and what you want and need in life. I have also learned that there are so many 'types' of relationships and occasionally the ones I think will last are only here for a season and I need figure out what the lesson to be learned is and to lovingly let them go. Whenever I realized a relationship wasn't working I sat down and wrote in my journal and allowed myself to be totally honest and the answers were always there. So, follow your heart - take care of 'you' - and always treat everyone with love and respect
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Old 12-07-2007, 05:13 AM   #5
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That sounds like me and my husbands relationship, back and forth for 10 years, then we got married and had a baby, and it's all baby, don't get me wrong i love my husband, but we have nothing in common but our love for Harley Davidsons, and my son and my dogs, we just work all day and take care of the baby at night, there's not much communication at all, it's sad we drifted apart, but were married now and have a 9 month old, and i would do anything to try and save my marriage.. but its hard.. so if you want to take my advice, make sure you have alot in common, date alot and find that connection again, cause when you have kids you need that.. My husband would do anything for me & our son, money is no issue, but our relationship suffers, there is no us time.. It saddens me, cause i love him dearly, and i know he loves me, but our child comes first and both of us working a full time jobs, then when we come home we have a 9 month old to take care of, then it's time for bed... Always work, kids, dogs..
So date, date, date different guys, your young and have your whole life ahead of you, take your time... Enjoy life now while you can......
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Old 12-07-2007, 05:51 AM   #6
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YOU deserve to be happy - everyone does. If you are not married now there is not a reason to TRY and make it work. I would take some time apart and get to know yourself and focus on you. Like everyone has said you are VERY young and if it is meant to be with this other guy or your current boyfriend I am sure it will come back to you.

Only you know what is right for you but usually that GUT feeling pulling on you is the right answer.

I wish you all the happiness life can bring you - sending you BIG hugs!!
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Old 12-07-2007, 06:09 AM   #7
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I'm really thankful for your responses, everyone... and for sharing some of your own personal things as well.

I know I'm young- that's why I asked for advice. I know what the "right" thing to do it... I don't want to be "stuck" just trying to make it work becuse i'm scared of actaully REALIZING that we have grown apart. It's sad to think about that happening with the person who has been there and helped you grow up...


but I thank you all for your thoughts on this. I'm such a passionate person and I really don't want to only experience life "half-way" because I'm unable to feel that deeper connection (no matter whom I end up with)... I graduate in march. Me and the current BF will be making some big changes. I guess those decision will tell me a lot about our relationship...

Thank you for listening
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Old 12-07-2007, 06:15 AM   #8
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IMO, dump this boyfriend, his past actions show what kind of person he is and your heart isn't in this relationship. If I've learned one thing about relationships in my 50 years on this earth, its that you have to be comfortable talking to each other, you have to be friends as well as lovers. Find someone who is both to you and you'll have something to build your relationship on.
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Old 12-07-2007, 06:19 AM   #9
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Its hard for any of us to tell you what to do in this relationship because we dont know the full extent of it. I will say that I met my husband when I was 20 and we have been together going on 10 years, many people said "oh your 20...you dont know what true love is!" That statement was wrong because look at us now. My husband is truely my best friend, the love we share is just as strong as it was in the beginning of the relationship...even stronger. Thats what you look for when you are with someone. It doesnt sound like the relationship you have with your current BF is a healthy one. some times woman stay with men that they dont love because they are use to them, they fear being alone or even feel they dont deserve better. you have to put yourself first no matter what. when you find yourself thinking about another man...I feel its time to move on from your current partner.sorry im rambling...relationships are so hard
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Old 12-07-2007, 06:20 AM   #10
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Your situation sounds similar to mine.

When I was 23, I met Pete. Previous to meeting Pete, I was in a lot of destructive relationships. Pete helped me learn to love myself and know that I have much to offer. He really helped me grow as a person and he's a fantastic person, but we have too many things that we can't agree on. After the second year of being together, we argued non-stop about everything. I was Pete's first girlfriend ever, so he had a lot to learn about where the girlfriend/fiancee fall in the priority list. Our biggest issue was that he was a mama's boy. His father died a few years prior to me meeting him, and his mother is very needy. He basically let me know that if I married him, I will never be first. We broke up after 5 years of dating, but we still spoke every other day.

During that time, I was in my second year of college, and I started hanging out with a guy that was in my class. I was 26 then and he was 22. When I met Ivan, I think I met my soul mate. I have never met anyone that I connected with like I did with Ivan. But I was scared, Ivan was so much younger than I (even though he had the maturity of guys much older). During that period of time, I was still talking to Pete. I told Pete I was seeing someone and he freaked. Pete cried and begged me back. I was so torn! I wanted to be with Ivan, but Pete made me feel so guilty. Pete was there for me when I was going through rough patches in my life, and he basically told me that I owed it to him, and I felt like I did owe him. So I broke if off with Ivan and went back with Pete.

So, Pete and I got back together, we stayed together for another year and I've regretted it ever since. After being together another year, I broke it off for good because I knew that being with him is not what I wanted.

After Pete and I broke up, I dated a guy for 2.5 years, we broke up last Christmas because he wasn't what I wanted either...

So, here I am, 32 years old and single. I regret not going with my heart and being with Ivan.

My only advice to you is to go with your heart and take a chance. You should never settle because of fear.

I have never regretted breaking up with Pete. If I stayed with Pete, I would have been married with kids by now, but I don't regret it in the least. Even though I am single, I feel very fulfilled. I do what I want, when I want and I have my furbabies.
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Old 12-07-2007, 06:26 AM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ItsyBitsy View Post
Your situation sounds similar to mine.

When I was 23, I met Pete. Previous to meeting Pete, I was in a lot of destructive relationships. Pete helped me learn to love myself and know that I have much to offer. He really helped me grow as a person and he's a fantastic person, but we have too many things that we can't agree on. After the second year of being together, we argued non-stop about everything. I was Pete's first girlfriend ever, so he had a lot to learn about where the girlfriend/fiancee fall in the priority list. Our biggest issue was that he was a mama's boy. His father died a few years prior to me meeting him, and his mother is very needy. He basically let me know that if I married him, I will never be first. We broke up after 5 years of dating, but we still spoke every other day.

During that time, I was in my second year of college, and I started hanging out with a guy that was in my class. I was 26 then and he was 22. When I met Ivan, I think I met my soul mate. I have never met anyone that I connected with like I did with Ivan. But I was scared, Ivan was so much younger than I (even though he had the maturity of guys much older). During that period of time, I was still talking to Pete. I told Pete I was seeing someone and he freaked. Pete cried and begged me back. I was so torn! I wanted to be with Ivan, but Pete made me feel so guilty. Pete was there for me when I was going through rough patches in my life, and he basically told me that I owed it to him, and I felt like I did owe him. So I broke if off with Ivan and went back with Pete.

So, Pete and I got back together, we stayed together for another year and I've regretted it ever since. After being together another year, I broke it off for good because I knew that being with him is not what I wanted.

After Pete and I broke up, I dated a guy for 2.5 years, we broke up last Christmas because he wasn't what I wanted either...

So, here I am, 32 years old and single. I regret not going with my heart and being with Ivan.

My only advice to you is to go with your heart and take a chance. You should never settle because of fear.

I have never regretted breaking up with Pete. If I stayed with Pete, I would have been married with kids by now, but I don't regret it in the least. Even though I am single, I feel very fulfilled. I do what I want, when I want and I have my furbabies.

Wow- thank you for sharing. This sounds exactly (alllmost) like what has been going on with me.
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Old 12-07-2007, 06:40 AM   #12
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I agree with the others, it sounds like the two of you have grown apart. I am 28, have 4 kids, and have been married for almost 10 years. My best advice for you is to break it off with both guys, live a little, have fun before you are really tied down! Who knows you may find that neither one of them were for you. Good Luck.
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Old 12-07-2007, 06:57 AM   #13
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My only advice is it's not fair for you or your current BF if you're not in this 110%. I say go with your heart. I would hate for you to regret staying with your current BF down the road. Good luck!
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Old 12-07-2007, 07:10 AM   #14
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My only advice is it's not fair for you or your current BF if you're not in this 110%. I say go with your heart. I would hate for you to regret staying with your current BF down the road. Good luck!
I agree. It is completely unfair. But I question WHY we aren't working. Is it because I'm not trying hard enough (to push this other guy outta my head and concentrate on what I have) or is it because we really don't mesh well together...

THank you for your input
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Old 12-07-2007, 07:59 AM   #15
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Originally Posted by bizzbeth View Post
I agree. It is completely unfair. But I question WHY we aren't working. Is it because I'm not trying hard enough (to push this other guy outta my head and concentrate on what I have) or is it because we really don't mesh well together...

THank you for your input
I honestly think that if it's meant to be, you'd know and be pushing harder. Just like others have said, you GREW UP together. Beginning to date at 16 and lasting till you're 22 is a big deal! (I'm 23, so I'm close in age). That's 6 years when you learn the most about yourself, and you did it with another person. There are some people in your life who are only supossed to be there for a certain time (not to say that you can be friends, but you know..). Maybe his time as your boyfriend is just over. He's taught you what he was supossed to and his time is over. I can't imagine what that's like after being together for so long, but as with everything else, time heals all
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