so, now what???

[CollegeCutieUSF]

I can relate to how you feel. My bf and I live together and we have our good days...but for every good day, we have at least 2 bad ones. I love him and I want for us to work, but sometimes I just don't think it can. My only advice is to talk to him and see if you can work it out or if space will give you a chance to make things work. But even if you give eachother space...there's no guarantee that things will get better. You have a daughter as well, right? My only advice is to do what's best for her and yourself. My parents were divorced when I was 11...I wasn't really upset about it mainly because it was better when they were apart...less arguing and sadness. If your relationship is turning you into someone you're not happy with, then you have to stop and think about when you were last happy..and try your hardest to get there again. I wouldn't recommend counseling... and I have a BA in Psych. lol. Friends are the best people to talk to in times like this... especially ones that have been in similar situations. Get all the advice that you can...and then try to find something that works best for you and your little girl.

If ever you need to vent or need advice, we're all here for you

[pepe mint]

Originally Posted by CollegeCutieUSF

I can relate to how you feel. My bf and I live together and we have our good days...but for every good day, we have at least 2 bad ones. I love him and I want for us to work, but sometimes I just don't think it can. My only advice is to talk to him and see if you can work it out or if space will give you a chance to make things work. But even if you give eachother space...there's no guarantee that things will get better. You have a daughter as well, right? My only advice is to do what's best for her and yourself. My parents were divorced when I was 11...I wasn't really upset about it mainly because it was better when they were apart...less arguing and sadness. If your relationship is turning you into someone you're not happy with, then you have to stop and think about when you were last happy..and try your hardest to get there again. I wouldn't recommend counseling... and I have a BA in Psych. lol. Friends are the best people to talk to in times like this... especially ones that have been in similar situations. Get all the advice that you can...and then try to find something that works best for you and your little girl.

If ever you need to vent or need advice, we're all here for you

my daughter is not his. she is from my ex...we were never married. we were "high school sweethearts"


and you know what...someone asked if i love him. i love him..but not the way i should. i love him in the sense that i care about him. but not in the sense that i truly love him. he does deserve better. he is a very good guy, a loving man. but i really do not think he is the man for me.

very sad.

and part of what makes it hard to walk away is that we have so many plans for the future. plans to give my mother a place to live. plans to have horses..things that me and my daughter have always wanted. it's hard to let go of those dreams. but SO wrong to stay with him just because of those things too.

[GinosMommy]

Originally Posted by pepe mint

my daughter is not his. she is from my ex...we were never married. we were "high school sweethearts"


and you know what...someone asked if i love him. i love him..but not the way i should. i love him in the sense that i care about him. but not in the sense that i truly love him. he does deserve better. he is a very good guy, a loving man. but i really do not think he is the man for me.

very sad.

and part of what makes it hard to walk away is that we have so many plans for the future. plans to give my mother a place to live. plans to have horses..things that me and my daughter have always wanted. it's hard to let go of those dreams. but SO wrong to stay with him just because of those things too.

Sweetie, it sounds like you already made your decision. You just have to find a way to do it.

[pepe mint]

Originally Posted by GinosMommy

Sweetie, it sounds like you already made your decision. You just have to find a way to do it.

i know. it's just sooo scary

[Tillys_mom]

Originally Posted by GinosMommy

Sweetie, it sounds like you already made your decision. You just have to find a way to do it.

I agree!

[CollegeCutieUSF]

Originally Posted by pepe mint

i know. it's just sooo scary

Doing the right thing usually is. It won't be easy, but you can handle it. The hardest part was admitting what you need to do. Now you just have to be strong and go with it.

[sweetr72]

I think councelling works best alone...I totally dont agree with couples councelling..it never turns out good lol...try finding a councellor just for you!! That way you can say what you want and not hold back..which people tend to do when the one they are having problems with is present..I am so in your shoes right now you dont even know..

Dawn

[grayxie]

You are your daughter's leader. You lead by example so if she see's you in this ongoing unhappy situation later on down the road she may think that is how relationship are supposed to be. It sounds like this predicament is killing your spirit and joy for life, just cut out all the "junk" preventing you from the life you want and deserve.

[pepe mint]

Originally Posted by grayxie

You are your daughter's leader. You lead by example so if she see's you in this ongoing unhappy situation later on down the road she may think that is how relationship are supposed to be. It sounds like this predicament is killing your spirit and joy for life, just cut out all the "junk" preventing you from the life you want and deserve.

i agree. but someone also told me this:

her father and I did not work out. If my husband and I do not work out, she will see a pattern. In her eyes, it could look like Mommy cannot hold a relationship. she cannot make it work. she is not capable of working things out...but runs away instead.

so i think about that. and i have to wonder if this person is right. is it worse that i stay in a relationship where i do not love him, or is it worse on her if she see's me giving up all the time? if i lead by example...which example is the least destructive?

[grayxie]

Wouldn't her life benefit more from a "happy" Mom? I dunno, I don't have kids but maybe you can have a "big girl talk" with her about relationships.

[Keno]

Originally Posted by GinosMommy

Sweetie, it sounds like you already made your decision. You just have to find a way to do it.

Oh I totally agree with this ... Mandee, you need to find "you" and be happy.
It will be the best thing for you and your daughter... Life is short,

Put this behind you and maybe you can find happiness without someone who promises you the world but makes it impossible to live in it ....

you deserve more ....

[Monday]

Originally Posted by pepe mint

i agree. but someone also told me this:

her father and I did not work out. If my husband and I do not work out, she will see a pattern. In her eyes, it could look like Mommy cannot hold a relationship. she cannot make it work. she is not capable of working things out...but runs away instead.

so i think about that. and i have to wonder if this person is right. is it worse that i stay in a relationship where i do not love him, or is it worse on her if she see's me giving up all the time? if i lead by example...which example is the least destructive?

You do not know me and you may not even care about my opinion.

However, You need to do what is best for you at this time. An unhappy mom is not in your daughter's best interest. So many women have gone into relationships basing them on what their mom's poor marriage was like ...

you are not setting a good example by staying in this relationships if you are not happy. Then you are only showing your daughter what a "bad" marriage is, not a happy one.

You mentioned future plans, but those are just material things and not happiness. You are still young and should be happier than you are.

Think about it... here you are on a public forum spilling your sadness to others. How sad you must be to do that.

And your close friends see the difference in you. It takes a strong person to realize that a mistake has been made and to rectify it.

Your daughter will have more respect for you if you do something that makes you happy.

You are not giving up, you are trying to find happiness. Your daughter will see this for what it is and that will be the best gift you can give her.

[RandomHeart]

Originally Posted by Monday

Your daughter will have more respect for you if you do something that makes you happy.

great advice ....

[Suzy]

Originally Posted by pepe mint

i agree. but someone also told me this:

her father and I did not work out. If my husband and I do not work out, she will see a pattern. In her eyes, it could look like Mommy cannot hold a relationship. she cannot make it work. she is not capable of working things out...but runs away instead.

so i think about that. and i have to wonder if this person is right. is it worse that i stay in a relationship where i do not love him, or is it worse on her if she see's me giving up all the time? if i lead by example...which example is the least destructive?

You're a great mom-you truly are. The fact that you think about how it will affect your daughter before how it will affect the rest of your life shows how much you love her and want her to grow up in a healthy, loving, stable family. However, you can still be a wonderful mom, even if you choose to end your relationship. I can't tell you one way or the other on this one, but I can tell you that if you are unhappy, you can't hide that from a child, especially your child (she's a very perceptive, bright kid, from what I've heard you say about her! ) With that in mind, you need to make the best choice for the both of you-whether that is staying or leaving the relationship you're in. Your daughter has a lot of growing and learning to do, and she deserves the best enviornment in which to do those things.

I also think that you should seek counseling. As someone else mentioned, try one on one counseling so that you can get your own feelings and thoughts out, and then couples counseling after you get you get some things with yourself figured out, or at least out in the open. You could also do both simultaneously. Sometimes it really helps to have a non-biased third party to help mediate the conflicts, and to see both sides of the story. It's a lot easier to listen to someone whose job is to help you both in a neutral, relaxed enviornment than it is to truly listen to each other when you're at home and conflicts are heated and emotions are running high.

[TootiesMom]

WOW, I am very sorry for your dilemma.... as a child of divorced parents, it was MUCH better for us when they did separate. We were happier with two separate happy parents than two together miserable ones... I know he is not her dad but she can still sense it, feel it, and as hard as you try, she does hear it...
I wish you luck in your choice and will say a prayer for you and your baby girl...
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