Muffin has died

[broodizt]

ANGELGIRL.jpg

Dearest friends,

You are the most amazing people on this planet. I cannot believe your endless love and compassion. I cannot tell you what you all mean to me. I am crying as I write this. I simply am overwhelmed at your total beauty and astounding capacity for goodness and light and all this is good and true in this world. I am just over come with emotion, and love for you. And you all deserve to know what happened. So I will tell you.

It all started when I decided to try my hand at a new recipe. I keep the girls in an enclosed area usually, when I cannot keep a watchful eye on them. The reasons are twofold. Firstly, Cassie is incontinent mostly, but she does use the potty pads pretty well. And they are right there in the room with them. She also feels safer in a smaller enclosed area where she cannot get lost. She also doesn't walk well- but the floor in their room is ribbed and not so slidey and they can get around much easier. I have a big house. One level, but big.

I kept Muffin with Cassie too so they could be together, and also because Muffin also had accidents, and they played together and ate together and slept together when I could not be with them.

But more importantly, Muffin was an explorer, she was always on the move and getting into mischief and I would often not be able to find her and my heart would be in my mouth. I worried that she was stuck somewhere and she never barked to let me know where she was. So I kept them in an enclosed space when I could not monitor them. The house is so large, compared to their size, that she would often disappear sometimes for a long time.

With that said, Muffin was trying very hard to be the best girl in the world. Her potty training improved so much I was amazed. But also, the deciding factor, was that she shadowed me every where I went and wanted to be with me every moment. So I felt safer in keeping her in the kitchen with a potty pad and her bed while she watched me cook. She did so well, I was so proud of her, she never strayed into the other rooms not even once.

I was focused on cooking my new recipe. That horrible recipe that I will never cook again. Muffin was there, but so was my dad. He was sitting by the table, and although I saw him pick her up, I did not say anything. They loved one another a lot. I never told him he couldn't hold her. Even after I knew he had had a stroke in the past year, and had a recent TIA a couple of weeks ago. And even if i did tell him, his memory was so poor, that he would forget it the next time anyway.

But hey, Muffin was the strong one, the healthy one, the very bright one with shining black fiercely intelligent eyes-burning like coal on fire. Muffin was my light and my life. Muffin could take it. Cassie was the fragile one, the protected one, the one in the stroller in the kitchen by my side every minute.

But Muffin, my sacraficial lamb, my baby, my moon and my stars, he picked her up to move to a more comfortable place to sit in the family room right next to the kitchen. I didn't stop him, I didn't say don't carry her or pick her up, I was busy cooking you see. So important. So very important.

And then I heard it, a crack, a splat, a thump, and I heard my father say, "she's alright!"-and I got a pain in my heart suddenly, and I flew like the wind, and I saw her on the floor, limp, tongue out, struggling to breathe, and I started to scream, NO NO NO NO NO-Oh my God NO NO NO. Not MUFFIN!!! I picked her up in my arms, her little body limp, her neck hanging and lying limp as I supported it. I ran to the car, and left driving 100 miles an hour. My dad was in the house, and we could not close the garage door, so I told him he would have to stay home because I couldn't leave the house open, and not to touch Cassie, just leave her in the stroller. I raced. I got there in 7 minutes. They put her in O2, they gave her brain swelling med, her heart stopped and they revived her, but her poor little body was shutting down. Now they were breathing for her, she could not breath on her own, they said if she survived, which was very unlikely, she would be brain damaged. They convinced me that I must let her go. I let her go. And now in my sleep, in my dreams, I hear that "SPLAT" "THUMP", and I am inconsolable. If I had kept her in her room, if I had not been so focused on cooking, if I had monitored my dad more closely, she would still be alive. In essence, I failed to PROTECT! This is why I am unworthy. This is why I cannot have Cassie any more. It is because of ME she is dead. I killed the brightest star in the sky.

I will never recover!

[P-Nut Mom]

I'm so very, very sorry about your baby. Please try not to be so hard on yourself about this. I'm so glad you're sharing with us and hope YT can continue to be a source of love and support for you.

[rubymoon2072]

oh please please please do not rehome cassie right now. you are the only one that has kept her alive. im very very very sorry for your loss of muffin. your in such a dark place right now please dont make that decision at this moment. cassie has also lost muffin and she is just as lost as you right now. i believe the best thing is at the very least give yourself a couple of days to get past shock and think straight. please think of the absolute mess cassie will be if you send her to be rehomed.......ps accidents happen and i dont believe you killed her. it was a freak accident that has happened. I am very very sorry for your loss of muffin and may you rip lil baby.

[Lolasmom1211]

No, you didn't fail to protect. You did all that you could. This is not your fault. This could have happened to any of us at any time. And has. I, too, lost a little one this very same way. Years ago, but by a little girl that was visiting my home. My baby was behind the gate and she tried to pick him up and dropped him. There was no way we could save him. It was horrible. I have been where you are. When I think of all of the moments I would have missed and all of the love these little babies would have missed if I had not tried again with my other babies, it makes me sad. It makes me sad to think that Cassie might not have you in the future. We can't protect our fur babies from everything the same way we can't protect our human babies from everything. We try, we all know we try...but it's just not always possible.

Take some time to cry and to grieve, be sad and also quite possibly be angry....but realize that this was beyond anything that you could have possibly controlled. You are a good mommy to these baby's and Cassie still needs you...

[joyce evans]

It was a total accident!! Please do not blame yourself. Cassie needs you now more than ever and you need her too!! Who's to say that she would have a better home??? I don't think so! Things happen and it just takes time. I know all so well!

[celstu1]

When I lost my precious Stuart, when he was only 5 months old, I felt just like that. I did not deserve another pet. I was already going through the DARKEST time of my life ever! I failed to protect. I failed HIM.

Its a nightmare right now. Its awful and the thought, the memory, the sound not leaving your head, well it's all natural part of grieving and healing. You need to forgive yourself.
Sherry you were cooking dinner, no one has 10 hands, 20 eyes and arms that can reach around walls and into other rooms. We all wish we did at times. This is NOT your fault. It was a HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE accident. Your heart was in the RIGHT place, by not separating your Dad from his love and her from him. I know it ended tragically and in the worst way, but it won't happen to Cassie. You are a wonderful mommy, you love your girls with all your heart and do everything in your power to keep them safe, healthy & happy. When things like this happen, we blame ourselves naturally, but no one can possibly cover ALL the bases to prevent tragedy. Its just not possible.

(((HUGS))) to you! You will be in my thoughts & prayer tonight for sure. I wish I could hug you for real. You are such a strong person, you have so much on your shoulders.

[yorkietalkjilly]

Oh, you are in such agony and it is what people do when very bad things happen - blame and try to think "if only". But really, life happens and no one can ever script and carefully plan every single move of life and because we can't, because we live life and don't script it perfectly, life is imperfect at times. Life is unfair at times. People and beloved little dogs we love die and leave us. Tragedies happen and our lives are changed forever.

But those things happen to every one of us and we all have to learn how to live with what living life and not scripting life brings us. When it is good and wonderful things happen, life is good. When a horror takes place, nothing is the same and we wish we could opt out. The truth is, you could rehome Cassie to someone who may not take as good care of her and discomfit her or whatever but it won't help and won't change Muffin's dying. Her death was a tragedy but second guessing what you or your father did in those moments won't change it and won't help. If no one had gotten out of bed that morning none of it would have happened either so you can't really second guess just one or two things in the day - starting down that lane will drive you nuts.

Try to just get your breathe, seek some counseling and help with medication if you need it and get yourself some badly needed rest - just letting yourself get through the next hour at a time. Try to stop the mind reliving the tragedy and take a pill and sleep. Try to cut those "if only" thoughts off at the knees - they won't help you. They don't work - they hurt. But accepting that life comes with glories and horrors and sometimes the bad seems to overcome us but even at its darkest, people prevail. We keep breathing in and out and facing things. We keep on keeping on. We rant, we cry, grieve and rage but we go on and strive to make life better again once our worst grief gets better. And you know what - it happens. Life gets better again. It always happens when you give it a chance.

Dear Shellie, you'll face this and you'll come in time to find a way to accept was happened and find a way to get through it. You will. People do that - they go on after unthinkable tragedy, gut-wrenching grief and second-guessing and love their family, friends and their little ones and keep on loving, missing the departed, growing, looking forward and living life. We remember but we go on. It's what we do - no matter how dark life gets, we live in hope for a better tomorrow.

[kimp5]

I am so sorry for your loss.
I want you to do something. Everytime you feel not worthy I want you to go back and read the thread you started about Cassie..Every step you went through to make sure she was well. Even if you read it 1000 times read it and re read it..You did EVERYTHING to make sure she got well. More than most would do by a long shot. That is what I want you to think of. Not an accident that any of us at any time could Not control. What you could control was Cassies illness and you mastered it with love and patience and faith that may of us, dear I say of all us envy. You deserve to have Cassie as you deserved to have Muffin. None of us can control everything, even with the best of intentions and trust me when I say you are at the top of the list when it comes to good intentions. So please focus on what you did that resulted in your Cassie being home with you today. Don't focus on things out of your control, and trust me it was. Hug Cassie a little more today, you deserve her love and she yours..

[ladyjane]

They are called accidents for a reason. I am so sorry this has happened. What I do know is that if you make any major decisions right now, you will most likely regret it later on. I have sent you a PM.

[Buster Brown]

Sherrie I am so sorry to read about the devastating accident. Take a deep breath and say accident to yourself. You did not fail at anything you are trying to hard to be perfect, perfect for your father and for your girls. God did not make us perfect. We can try our very best, try to figure out all the possible outcomes of our actions but we cannot foretell the future. We cannot tell when a happy moment can go tragically wrong. YOU DID NOTHING WRONG. All your actions were reasonable. I would have crated the kids like that I do the same with Buster. God bless your poor father he did not realize what he was doing. Our babies are such powerful squirmers they can jump out of your arms in a split second. I am dealing with my mother and I know how hard is is to keep track of everything that is going on. We had a near miss with Buster, and I have read many sad stories of similar ACCIDENTS.
Nothing you did was dangerous or irresponsible what happened was an accident that happened in a split second. I honestly believe the most loving thing you could do would be to keep Cassie. Her heart would be broken with out you and I honestly don't think her spirit would keep her going with anyone else but you. So sad for you, your Dad, Cassie and Muffin. You are a loving person please know that we love and support you.

[yorkietalkjilly]

Carolyn, you are so right about them being squirmers. I was carrying Tibbe, re-adjusting him a bit and he jumped clean out of my arms because it scared him that I was re-adjusting him. He had to be in control so he just jumped! Strangely, I started deeply flexing my knees just as he jumped so I could put him down or he could have really been hurt or worse but he jumped before I could even register in my brain what he was doing!

[MauiGirl]

Dear Shellie,

I am so extremely sorry for all you are going through. I wish I could just get on a plane and fly over and give you a hug and comfort you.

I think with all your struggles of taking care of your dad and lately with Cassie, you have been over stressed already, and losing precious little Muffin has just pushed you way too far.

It is hard to imagine right now, but this too shall pass, but it surely will take some time. Please try to continue to soak in all the positive energy and healing thoughts that all your friends here are sending your way. You will heal, and we are all here to help you.

Love and Warmest Aloha,
Sandy

[Doodlebug]

Shellie, please don't blame yourself for something that was an accident. Accidents happen in life and we can't control them. My mom died as a result of a household accident and I blamed myself because I was going to stop by and see her and I changed my mind at the last minute. The agony I went through telling myself that if I had only stopped by I might have been able to save her. At some point I had to forgive myself and go on living and realize that it wasn't my fault.

Shellie, as the others have said, you and little Cassie need each other more than ever now. Please hold her close and know that you are the reason this pup has made it through the tough struggle she has fought to survive. I'm sure your very presence is so reassuring and calming to her. She needs you and you need her. And your dad needs you. And we need to know that you are Ok.
Hugs, Jean

[horsnaround]

You are not alone in feeling guilt. I lost my beloved Lexi to a allergy reaction in a very happy time my daughter had just had her son. My Lexi was playing with my grand daughter. She started acting funny I had not packed her Benadryl as I had left the house fast when my daughter was in labor. Never gave it another thought till she was acting off. Thought I had time so I ran to the store not even a mile away. Big dumb mistake When I got back she was not breathing. I will blame myself forever for this. She was my heart my soul follow me every where lay by the door if I left. My sunshine and I had failed her. So I know how very hard it is.
Cassie needs you. You have to be strong for her because you are her everything her heart and soul. You have to be there for her. She needs you. Accidents are just that no ones fault. God must have needed her with him at that very moment We never understand why and feel like we have been punished. But please think how much that little Cassie needs her momma. Sending big hugs

[marcie]

Oh Shellie our hearts are breaking for you. I am so sad that
you are going thru this. I wish we could all be there to help you
and give you gentle hugs. Prayers for strength everyday.