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Old 01-04-2007, 12:09 PM   #1
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Default husband troubles

hello everyone, i need a little woman to woman advice. last night i was sitting on the couch with my husband and he started to talk about things and he said something smart si responded back smart and i said i dotn have time for this im going to bed, so i went to bed and i heard him moving around about 945 and then i just fell asleep, well my daughter came in my room and woke me up around 1130 and i out her back to bed and i noticed the tv was one so i fugured he fell asleep on the couch, so i went to turn it off and he was nowhere to be found, so i went outside and his truck was gone, so i beeped him (like direct connect) and asked him where the hell he was i blew my stack, and he said ohhh ii i i went to get bread, mind you there is a gas station thats right aroudn the corner, and so i played the i know everything game and told him you went to get bread do you know how long you have been gone? and so he said well since 10 but my intentions werent to be stay gone long, ok what does that mean, that you intended to go out and do whatever you were doing, so anyway he says hes at some boys house, like some 20 year old guy, anyway i told him well dont come home on my part, im out of here, i will not be with someone who is out running around cause his wifes asleep, and trust me had i not woke up he wouldnt have told me he left, anyway hes been doing these littel dumb things for a while now, is it me should i have gone carzy on him? i told him that im done and im leaving, he obviously doesnt want to be at home and be married with kids and he says i do, i do anything for mykids, so asked him whens the last time you hugged your kids? and he shuts up, i mean i am going to leave, i love him but i will not sit back and let him do these things, i am just confused,
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Old 01-04-2007, 12:34 PM   #2
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I ALWAYS recommend counceling. Some people think it's a waste because they want your money....I think that is bull. A good marriage councelor will help get out things you would have trouble admitting to anyone else...they are trained to be able to do this. If you still love him...then try it, if he won't go, then go alone. The key to any kind of counceling is to be 100% honest. Say things as they really are and not how you "think" they are.
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Old 01-04-2007, 12:35 PM   #3
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Well, your asking for opinions so I will give mine
First off, I think when both of you have cooled off you should sit down together and in calm manner discuss the problem, both yours with him, and him with you. Calmly...with true listening on each side, not just waiting for your turn to tell your part, but to listen and HEAR, both of you. Without this, I think you will get nowhere fast. This may be an easy fix or it may take lots of work on both of your parts...the question is...how hard do you want to work and how important is your marriage to you? Only you each know the answer to that question.
For my part, I think people say "I'm leaving" or "I'm done" too fast. That is why the high divorce rate these days in my opinion. I'm not knocking you at all, I'm speaking in a general sense. People think "I'm so mad, he's such a so and so and I am leaving" and they don't try to work on it. When my husband and I don't agree or just flat out don't like each other that day, we never say, "I want a divorce, or I am leaving" and we don't think it either. Always there is love even when there is no "like" that day or days If you love someone you owe it to them and yourself to try and work things out...it might not always be enough and sometimes you SHould get out while the gettins good, but don't let leaving always be your first thought. Okay, that is my soapbox for the day. I hope if You want to work it out you do, or if leaving is the best thing for you, I wish you all the best!
BTW, I will have been married 23 years in just a few days (Sunday) is our anniversary, and I may not always "like" him, but I will LOVE him forever!! (Sorry for the sap )
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Old 01-04-2007, 12:36 PM   #4
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I don't think you overreacted at all!!! I would have blown through the roooffff!!!!! Everyone is different, and I don't want to tell you that leaving him is the right thing to do; however that would be the option for me if I was in your situation. People don't change, they are who they are and he obviously has other things planned than raising a happy family. The worse thing that can happen in a relationship is betrayal and cheating and I don't put up with any of that and you shouldn't either.
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Old 01-04-2007, 12:39 PM   #5
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I also recommend having a heart-to-heart talk to see just whats going on. Counseling is good, too - but if you are seeking counseling to stay in a marriage - it is really important that BOTH spouses participate freely and honestly or it isn't going to do much to help the marriage.

I wish you all the best and hope you can work it out.
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Old 01-04-2007, 12:57 PM   #6
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thanks you guys, you know he says its becuse he cant let go of the fact our son passed away exactly one year today, and i suggested we go got conseling grief conseling and he doesnt want to, but hes not really getting out to party or to cheat (im not in denial) he likes to go out and drink and he likes to show off his tattoos that hes done but there is a time (not 10 o clock at night) and a place, and not only that all he had to do was tell me, thats it and i woud call every hour to make sure he was ok, but he didnt he sneaked out.
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Old 01-04-2007, 12:59 PM   #7
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I just read what you just posted and edited what I'm posting. You still need to talk to him.

Last edited by DomLee; 01-04-2007 at 01:01 PM.
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Old 01-04-2007, 01:08 PM   #8
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thanks so much, i mean i used to be that way and then i started to feel ran over by him and his family and i started getting mad, and angry and even more angry and then the first time i stood up for myself, he hit me, and i was preganant at 5 months and knocked me down and i lost hearing in my left ear. i have gotten over it but i have nevr forgotten him and his family, hs mom telling me well youre an outsider thats what happens, you think youre bad standing up to him he should have knocked you down, and then they took my 6 month old twins, for the night but things have never been the same since then. i love this guy but hes begining to be the guy he was years and years ago, he was a druggie, theif, man hore basically and then he went to prison and when he got out he said he was changed, and i slowly see him changin not to the drug, he drug tests each month for work and so i know he hasnt used in 6 years due to that reason, but he doesnt go out and cheat but he likes to drink and stand out side with his freinds and drink , i dont care but he has this younger brother who like 20 years i think whi is always bringing sluts to my house and i tell him they have to leave, and he talks about parties and this and that and i thin kmy husband goes back and forth on the issure, he wants to hang out and he wants to be at home, but there are certain at home behaviors that are getting ot of hand. he doesnt play with our kids, he doesnt help with them, in fact they are scared of him due to the only time they see him or see him talk to them hes yellign at them to clean their toys or something, our daughter will have nothing to do with him and he gets mad and he 2, its just so may things and we have had heart to hearts and he just goes back to the same ol same te next week, if im permissive and step back and not junmp on him he gets even worse slowly, i just really dont know right now, i want to just get away from him and beon my own with my kids, but we have bills together and i stay cause i think thats it more trouble to leave then to just stay, i just dont know
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Old 01-04-2007, 01:11 PM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DomLee
I just read what you just posted and edited what I'm posting. You still need to talk to him.
no no what you said touched me cause i do need work and help i know that and the things you said are true pretty much, i get so tired of hearing well im payiong the bills, well then pay them i tell him and i tell him to stop talking to me, you never know if he is going to sit there and talk to you and cry on your shoulder or if hes going to explode liek the last times and grab me by the neck and throw my around the room, so i stay away
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Old 01-04-2007, 01:35 PM   #10
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If you are worried that he will physically hurt you or your kids you do need to leave. You also need more help than you will get here, it sounds like. There are hotlines and resources for your situation...use them!!! If he is not willing to change his physical abuse and get help, you are doing your children no favor by staying there, bills or no bills. I wish you all the best!!
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Old 01-04-2007, 01:56 PM   #11
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I'm sorry to hear you are having problems, but if a man hits a woman...then he is no real man. Let alone the fact that you were pregnant. I dont know all your facts but I must say it doesnt sound like a great enviroment for your kids or for you. If they are afraid of him that is not good. You don't want your kids living in fear. Sometimes people like that will strike again and sometimes even do it to the kids. I had a friend that I grew up with and we were best friends all through high school and even moved out together. Well she got pregnant at 19 and had a baby. Later she started seeing this guy and they had a baby together. His own son and her son with another guy had always been scared of him. He treated Jill terrible sometimes and she just dealt with it... Well one day he got mad saying she was flirting with someone...when they got home he beat the crap out of her and tried to strangle her with the phone cord. It was soooo terrible. The kids were there. She had big chunks of her hair gone and ihe kicked her so hard that it damaged her liver. Come to find out during his trial and counsiling for the kids he had been hitting the kids too and told them if they ever told he would kill there mom. X-rays were done of the boys and they had some skull fractures. He spent time in prison and she learned her lesson. Her parents were very high profile people in the community and they had been trying to help her out but she didnt pay any attention to them. Thank God she had her parents help because financially she would not have been able to leave and make a better life for her and her kids

I guess what I'm trying to say....it broke my heart seeing her go through this and I'm not saying this will ever happen to you, but it doesnt sound like staying with him is in the best interest of you and your family. Seek help, seek advice. I wish you the best. Sorry to rattle on so much.
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Old 01-04-2007, 02:01 PM   #12
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If he abuses you (even if it was just once) and he is not willing to get help, you need to take your children and leave. I would also encourage counseling for yourself and your children if you are in an abusive relationship.
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Old 01-04-2007, 02:20 PM   #13
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If your Husband is hitting you you need to leave with your kids. Once they start hitting they usually never stop. My first Husband hit me and It took me 7 years to get the courage to leave him. I am now married to someone who would never lay a finger on me.
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Old 01-04-2007, 02:26 PM   #14
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THANKS GUYS!! the last time he hit me was about a year ago. but i fought back and knocked him a good one. and told him do it again and ill break your damn legs, i wouldnt but it sounded goog, adn now he tells every one dont mess with my wife, adn he kinda keeps up the rep as im an evil person, but i have learned that and i am a mean person, but not all the time, if you do something worth my opinion or do soemthing to me i will lash out and i have stayed that way and my husband tells me i cant say anything nice and i cant be nice to people and in a way im a brat but last night my first reaction was what thehell, wh does he think he is to just up and leave, i am just waiting it out right now, hes called me a couple times today at work concerned since im going to the doctor to get my results from my last cancer biopsy to see if im finally clear, and its raining and stroming and he wants to go with me but i nicely asked if he could just stay at home, i feel liek being alone, and i do, but is that wrong, i dont want him with me today, i want to be alone,
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Old 01-04-2007, 02:27 PM   #15
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Quote:
Originally Posted by stephluvsangel6
thanks you guys, you know he says its becuse he cant let go of the fact our son passed away exactly one year today, and i suggested we go got conseling grief conseling and he doesnt want to
I am so sorry for the loss of your son, but if he won't go to counseling with you, then maybe you should go for yourself and your other children. Maybe look into a therapy group for those who have lost loved ones or a therapy group for married couples...something. I believe that having someone to talk to that isn't involved in the situation is good for any relationship...it gives you a different perspective.
Sounds like you all do need to talk to each other, maybe look around online and see if you can find a site that would give you helpful ideas for good relationships...hopefully this will help. good luck!
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