Those who are childfree

[GracieJane]

Originally Posted by Oddsock

That is one of the problems some adoptees have. They are often told how lucky they are, how blessed, how grateful they should be. No one says this to a child who's parents have died, and they then have to be raised by someone else. Yet to the child the loss can be similar. The difference is how the child is allowed to feel about it.

As for being chosen, that can work when the child is young, but later they realize, that for many adoptive parents, especially those who want a baby, they in fact don't chose much, they get what's available.
I've been one of those children wheeled out to the prospective parents, as an older child(5 yrs old) , then told I'm the one, they just knew it as soon as they saw (my blonde hair, blue eyes)me, 'meant to be' then watch them slink off ,when they were told of my heart condition. Then watch as they pick another child that they 'just know was meant to be'. Those left went back on the shelf till the next parent pick. Gross.

Also some adoptees are not allowed to have their own name or to even know it. Not allowed their own medical details and in some cases they have to guess their nationality/race. No one else is treated like this, then told to be grateful about it. This is mostly true in the States than in Europe. There are American's who can die for their country but are not allowed their birth details. (this is changing in some states, but the adoptee still has to go to court for their own details)

It's wonderful that there are people willing to adopt, it's just how it's done that is an issue. Here in the UK, I have issues with the birth cert. It would be more honest if it gave the true birth parents then had an add on with the adoption details. Instead of the pretence that the adoptive parent were the first. They maybe the best but they are not biological. All parents should be listed.

I'd be rich if I'd been paid for every stranger or new Dr, new teacher who upon meeting me (after my adoptive parents had met with them) informed me how 'lucky' I was, as soon as they'd met me, before even saying hi.

Sorry didn't mean to hijack the thread, but there are so many misconceptions about adoption. ..and forums full of adoptees who even when from happy adoptive homes (who LOVE their adoptive parents), are not happy about adoption or don't feel they can say how they really feel, due to how society sees adoption.

Those who chose not to have children, due to how they want to live their lives, are wise. It's a pity more don't think before having children, when they don't want them or can't cope with them. This applies to those who adopt for the wrong reason too..ie to keep a marriage going that's failing or to be seen as some martyr / saviour.

I've even read a blog from a adoptive mother who adopted to 'own' that child and had high expectation from that child in gratitude and pay back. She expected that child to lick her boots..it was so outrageous adoptive parents where horrified.

Abused adoptees have it even harder, they are dismissed as ungrateful adoptees or adoptees with adoptee issues, which they of course have.

Thumbs up to those who chose not to have children, when they know they aren't up for it or don't want too for whatever reason.

My heart breaks for the experiences that have given you insight into the things that can go wrong/be wrong in adoption. Absolutely, no child who has lost parents for any reason should have to feel "lucky" to have parents. Parents who love and care for us should be a given for every child ever born. I know that we always countered the "how lucky he is" comments with how blessed we were. Before our son, our family was in no way complete. I can only speak as a mom who considers her son an immeasurable gift and has a heart full of gratitude to his birth parents. I hope we have given him a life, opportunities, and love that is worthy of their sacrifice.

I am bowing out now! This conversation is about those of you who have chosen a different life entirely, and I interested to read why. Amazing maturity to think that one through!

[Tumbleweeds]

I've never gotten married. That means no children for me. I work in the education field, so have gotten to associate and hopefully inspire hundreds of kids.

[Lisa and Pic]

For me... I love children and have chosen my first and second profession around children. However, I did not even think about being a parent until I was around 45. I have a stepdaughter that is 34 and count myself a lucky and blessed to have a wonderful husband and 3 sweet pups.

[Wylie's Mom]

Originally Posted by Oddsock

That is one of the problems some adoptees have. They are often told how lucky they are, how blessed, how grateful they should be. No one says this to a child who's parents have died, and they then have to be raised by someone else. Yet to the child the loss can be similar. The difference is how the child is allowed to feel about it.

As for being chosen, that can work when the child is young, but later they realize, that for many adoptive parents, especially those who want a baby, they in fact don't chose much, they get what's available.
I've been one of those children wheeled out to the prospective parents, as an older child(5 yrs old) , then told I'm the one, they just knew it as soon as they saw (my blonde hair, blue eyes)me, 'meant to be' then watch them slink off ,when they were told of my heart condition. Then watch as they pick another child that they 'just know was meant to be'. Those left went back on the shelf till the next parent pick. Gross.

Also some adoptees are not allowed to have their own name or to even know it. Not allowed their own medical details and in some cases they have to guess their nationality/race. No one else is treated like this, then told to be grateful about it. This is mostly true in the States than in Europe. There are American's who can die for their country but are not allowed their birth details. (this is changing in some states, but the adoptee still has to go to court for their own details)

It's wonderful that there are people willing to adopt, it's just how it's done that is an issue. Here in the UK, I have issues with the birth cert. It would be more honest if it gave the true birth parents then had an add on with the adoption details. Instead of the pretence that the adoptive parent were the first. They maybe the best but they are not biological. All parents should be listed.

I'd be rich if I'd been paid for every stranger or new Dr, new teacher who upon meeting me (after my adoptive parents had met with them) informed me how 'lucky' I was, as soon as they'd met me, before even saying hi.

Sorry didn't mean to hijack the thread, but there are so many misconceptions about adoption. ..and forums full of adoptees who even when from happy adoptive homes (who LOVE their adoptive parents), are not happy about adoption or don't feel they can say how they really feel, due to how society sees adoption.

Those who chose not to have children, due to how they want to live their lives, are wise. It's a pity more don't think before having children, when they don't want them or can't cope with them. This applies to those who adopt for the wrong reason too..ie to keep a marriage going that's failing or to be seen as some martyr / saviour.

I've even read a blog from a adoptive mother who adopted to 'own' that child and had high expectation from that child in gratitude and pay back. She expected that child to lick her boots..it was so outrageous adoptive parents where horrified.

Abused adoptees have it even harder, they are dismissed as ungrateful adoptees or adoptees with adoptee issues, which they of course have.

Thumbs up to those who chose not to have children, when they know they aren't up for it or don't want too for whatever reason.

Wow, thank you so much for sharing your insightful perspective. I never would've been able to guess at this side of things, and now, I understand some things that I never would've guessed at prior to you sharing this. I now can see how the whole "you were chosen" thing and the "grateful" thing can actually be very stifling and closed off. I can also see how being told "you were chosen" could be fine for a small child, but as one grows -- that really wouldn't work anymore, so then you're stuck trying to digest all of that, which is no small matter.

Thanks again for posting - I always learn so much here, about such diverse issues.

[Nancy1999]

Great thread, I've learned so much from it, it's wonderful how honest everyone has been. I'm glad that we live in a time where women are free to make choices and find out what's right for them.

[Maximo]

Originally Posted by Oddsock

That is one of the problems some adoptees have. They are often told how lucky they are, how blessed, how grateful they should be. No one says this to a child who's parents have died, and they then have to be raised by someone else. Yet to the child the loss can be similar. The difference is how the child is allowed to feel about it.

As for being chosen, that can work when the child is young, but later they realize, that for many adoptive parents, especially those who want a baby, they in fact don't chose much, they get what's available.
I've been one of those children wheeled out to the prospective parents, as an older child(5 yrs old) , then told I'm the one, they just knew it as soon as they saw (my blonde hair, blue eyes)me, 'meant to be' then watch them slink off ,when they were told of my heart condition. Then watch as they pick another child that they 'just know was meant to be'. Those left went back on the shelf till the next parent pick. Gross.

Also some adoptees are not allowed to have their own name or to even know it. Not allowed their own medical details and in some cases they have to guess their nationality/race. No one else is treated like this, then told to be grateful about it. This is mostly true in the States than in Europe. There are American's who can die for their country but are not allowed their birth details. (this is changing in some states, but the adoptee still has to go to court for their own details)

It's wonderful that there are people willing to adopt, it's just how it's done that is an issue. Here in the UK, I have issues with the birth cert. It would be more honest if it gave the true birth parents then had an add on with the adoption details. Instead of the pretence that the adoptive parent were the first. They maybe the best but they are not biological. All parents should be listed.

I'd be rich if I'd been paid for every stranger or new Dr, new teacher who upon meeting me (after my adoptive parents had met with them) informed me how 'lucky' I was, as soon as they'd met me, before even saying hi.

Sorry didn't mean to hijack the thread, but there are so many misconceptions about adoption. ..and forums full of adoptees who even when from happy adoptive homes (who LOVE their adoptive parents), are not happy about adoption or don't feel they can say how they really feel, due to how society sees adoption.

Those who chose not to have children, due to how they want to live their lives, are wise. It's a pity more don't think before having children, when they don't want them or can't cope with them. This applies to those who adopt for the wrong reason too..ie to keep a marriage going that's failing or to be seen as some martyr / saviour.

I've even read a blog from a adoptive mother who adopted to 'own' that child and had high expectation from that child in gratitude and pay back. She expected that child to lick her boots..it was so outrageous adoptive parents where horrified.

Abused adoptees have it even harder, they are dismissed as ungrateful adoptees or adoptees with adoptee issues, which they of course have.

Thumbs up to those who chose not to have children, when they know they aren't up for it or don't want too for whatever reason.

Thank you for sharing your experience and insight. I understand there are downsides to adoptions, and I didn't mean to imply that adopted children are lucky in a crass way, or that all situations are ideal. Nor do I think adopted children should be constantly told they are lucky.

My childhood adopted friend happened to have great parents and a great family, so it was difficult for me to understand her feelings about being adopted. She believed her biological parents must have given her up because she wasn't worthy of being cared for. I wasn't in her shoes, so all I could see was her great family who adored her.

I thought she was lucky, period, adopted or not, to have such an awesome family.

(OP, sorry to hijack the thread)

[Maximo]

I think it is interesting how many of us without children say that we enjoy our 'freedom,' yet we have Yorkies/pets who are big responsibilities and curtail our freedom.

[Nancy1999]

Originally Posted by Maximo

I think it is interesting how many of us without children say that we enjoy our 'freedom,' yet we have Yorkies/pets who are big responsibilities and curtail our freedom.

I was wondering about that too, I feel way more restricted with Yorkies than I did with my children.

[Maximo]

Originally Posted by Nancy1999

I was wondering about that too, I feel way more restricted with Yorkies than I did with my children.

Happy to hear a mom say that. My father says the same thing.

Sorry another off-topic aside: we were talking about traveling down to Biltmore, the Vanderbilt estate in North Carolina. In my research, I found that they do allow dogs on the grounds, but not in the house. They have kennels outside where you can park your dog like a bike in a bike rack.

I was joking with dad, "Max and Teddy should be fine hanging out in the kennel while we tour the mansion for a couple hours, right?"

[Nancy1999]

Originally Posted by Maximo

Happy to hear a mom say that. My father says the same thing.

Sorry another off-topic aside: we were talking about traveling down to Biltmore, the Vanderbilt estate in North Carolina. In my research, I found that they do allow dogs on the grounds, but not in the house. They have kennels outside where you can park your dog like a bike in a bike rack.

I was joking with dad, "Max and Teddy should be fine hanging out in the kennel while we tour the mansion for a couple hours, right?"

Ha ha, well, someone would probably steal Joey and Ralphie, but bring Joey back!

[gemy]

Originally Posted by Maximo

Happy to hear a mom say that. My father says the same thing.

Sorry another off-topic aside: we were talking about traveling down to Biltmore, the Vanderbilt estate in North Carolina. In my research, I found that they do allow dogs on the grounds, but not in the house. They have kennels outside where you can park your dog like a bike in a bike rack.

I was joking with dad, "Max and Teddy should be fine hanging out in the kennel while we tour the mansion for a couple hours, right?"

LOL My troupe would bark their heads off ! While not ideal once or twice, we have taken our turns viewing the house etc, while one stayed with the pups.

[Britster]

Originally Posted by Wylie's Mom

Me and hubs just never had that burning desire to have kids, and I've always pretty much felt that way. I feel that unless you REALLY want kids, you may want to think about not having them. Some people think/feel "well, you get married and you have kids, of course!" -- I don't believe in that kind of thinking.

Like others have said, I LOVE my independence and the freedom of not having another little person depending upon me. I absolutely love being a fur Mom and wouldn't trade it for anything. We've never regretted not having kids. I'm now 46, btw...no regrets.

The whole idea is so frustrating to me. Like if you don't want kids, you're either a lesbian or weird or something. It's crazy. There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting or not wanting kids, whatever that decision may be.

I actually feel like it's SUCH a HUGE decision that is often not given much thought and I often wonder why so many unprepared people even bring kids into the world. I see parents who shouldn't be parents all the time.

I am undecided at this point. I won't say either way because I know a lot can change in my life. I am 24 and single and happy with that for now. When and if I meet the right guy, I am sure it's something we would discuss in the future. But honestly if a guy, right now at this point, was 100% dead set on having kids and wanted them within the next 5-10 years, I would likely pass because I won't make any kind of promise or assumption like that. At this point, I don't see myself physically having a baby, LOL. Adoption would be something more realistic for me. I have no problem bonding with certain kids that aren't mine and have no doubt in my mind that an adopted child WOULD quickly become "mine" but I also have no fantasies about a perfect little baby that is going to be so grateful and happy to have me! lol...

I've had the chance to have many young siblings (all 10-18 years younger than me) and cousins. I certainly don't lack my share of kid time. I just enjoy being able to give them back.

Not to mention, when I finally move out, it will be the first time I'll be living in a KID-FREE HOUSE! I'll likely be so ecstatic to finally have a bit of peace lol. Living with my siblings, I practically have helped raise them all minus the financial costs which is great.

[yorkiedallas]

For myself, I would honestly say the main reason is I just do not like children. I see the responsibility of raising children for 18 plus years as a horrible nightmare of never ending work, struggle, sacrifice, boredom and overall entrapment. In my heart of hearts, I see it little better than a prison sentence.

I just have no interest in children, motherhood or the work of raising a child.

On a more global level, I have deep concerns about the world we live in today and where we are headed in the next half century. I am worried about issues such as income inequality, the erosion of our democracy into an oligarchy, the apathy of the general public, the devaluation of higher education, the degradation of our eco-system and the overall quality of life for future generations. Other than advances in technology, I don't really think anything is better for today's youth then when I was a kid in the 1990's.

I remember my friends and I growing up, would just run all over the neighborhood and amuse ourselves, knowing to be home before dark. In today's world, I would never think of letting packs of kids out without an adult.

So for me, the choice was really very simple. My only regret is that I didn't raise all hell at twenty and demand to get my tubes tied then. My doctors said I was too young, and didn't know what I wanted. Turns out they were wrong. I would have saved myself so much stress, money and medical problems if I had not had to mess around with all of the assorted birth control methods I have subjected my body to all of these years. If I was the same woman back then as I am today, there is no way I would have taken no for an answer. I would have gone to every doctor in the state until I found one to do as I asked.

[alaskayorkie]

Great thread.

I married late (40) and never felt a biological clock ticking before then. I'm the youngest of six, and all my siblings had children, so there was never any feeling that the family name/genetics wasn't going to carry on.

That said, my wife and I did want kids and tried. It didn't work. Surprisingly, we weren't devastated. We decided that we would live our own lives and be the best aunts/uncles, etc. we could be.

So many times I've thought that fate worked out for the best. As much as I love children, maybe there was a reason we didn't have kids. We're good at being who we are. Maybe we weren't supposed to be parents.

To be honest, I probably would have felt differently if my siblings hadn't all had children. But knowing the family gene pool is carrying on, I'm OK with it.

[celstu1]

Originally Posted by 107barney

Lol this will be interesting!
For me, I just didn't see myself as a mother.
I love my pets and my freedom.
I admire those who are energetic enough to raise kids and put their own needs second to do so, but I wanted my life to be about me and my happiness together with my husband and after all this time I've never regretted it.

I am child-free, I did marry a guy with kids tho. They are now 21 & 18, so we are on our own 99% of the time now, as they are too busy with their friends, girlfriends, jobs, etc... and their needy mother! LOL Anyways, I feel the exact same as 107Barney! I never felt ready for kids, never felt old enough or responsible enough for them. I liked my freedom and always just thought someday. Well I met and married a man who didn't want more kids and was 'fixed' and now Im almost 38 and sometimes I wonder whats going to happen to me when I get old, will I regret it, who will take care of me, etc... but many people have gone through this before, so whatever is meant to be will be.
A lot of friends are envious and they don't seem to understand the sacrifices they make in their life when they have kids. I love my freedom, I am free 7 days/nights a week. I have a motorcycle, summer camp, jet ski, 2 homes (tenants), a BMW and a great job! I have my little boys (the dogs) and I can spoil them and give them all my attention. I take vacations a couple times a year and I have a great time with my life. Kids cost a lot more than some people realize. I have friends who think I'm 'rich' but I'm not... I just don't spend money on kids, or save for colleges or weddings, or cars, or anything like that! It may sound materialistic, but what else do you do with your hard earned income when you don't have kids? You have fun and buy what you want. I love giving gifts too!