~~~I Am So Upset I Could Scream!!!!~~~~

[Amber_lv]

Originally Posted by chloeandj

do you ever catch him doing something nice or expected of him and praising the heck out of him? maybe ignoring some of the smaller bad thigns he's doing (maybe it's attention getting behavior) while picking your battles here as really bad things should not be ignored.. and then turning the tables into everything is postive. If he helps brother do anything at all, big time praise. Some alone mommy time might not be a bad idea.

Yup i have done that to Just the other day he was being so sweet he was pushing his brother on the swing the were being sooooo good and i told them i really appreitiated them being good, I also praised Trieden for helping his brother and being nice. I kid you not 5 min later he was fighting with him i was standing right there and as i told Trieden not to get on the back of Kalebs bike he flipped him over and hurt him

sorry i guess i needed to vent i was just in such shock when i woke up

I watch the super nanny and i try to apply her techniques but they don't seem to work i am not saying all of them don't cause i have had sucsess with the time out. But at 8 yrs old where do you draw the line i mean really he knows better.

[Sookie]

Amber, all I can say is that this will all pass eventually. Why? Because you are doing everything that is right. Just continue with the discipline, time out, etc. There's not much more you can do unless he has a particular interest that means a lot to him - something he wouldn't want to have taken away. With my son, now grown, it was his art. That's all he ever was interested in and it still is.

When he was about 9 he decided to go outside and light a match. It was the absolutely most perfect day for a fire - lots of leaves on the ground, no rain in a long time, a slight breeze. He made a little pile of leaves and decided to set them on fire. Within seconds they just spread like crazy and before he knew it the fire was higher than the top of the garage he was hiding behind. Fortunately for him, he immediately came running in the house for my help. It ended up burning down all our neighbors beautiful shrubbery and it almost set their garage on fire (there was an antique car, their prize possession, in the garage). That was the one time I thought my DH was going to kill one of our children. As punishment we made him use all his money to buy new bushes for the neighbor and help with digging up and planting them. Of course he was also grounded to his room when he wasn't slaving next door and offering them apology after apology. I never saw him light another match since then.

The good news!!! He has grown into a kind, caring man who has never gotten into another lick of trouble in his life. He is hard working and thoughtful and I'm so proud of him. So, keep your chin up and continue exactly what you're doing.

[Amber_lv]

Yes this is how it was for me and my mom I knew if i did wrong she was going to kick my butt. My husband is very over baring and he will spank for anything he yells and screams and i just can't deal with that. It's not fear he delivers to them they actually have hated him. I have to try to do it a little different because the spanking doesn't faze them anymore. It's like kids today have no respect at all anymore. My mom who i feared growing up is having troubles with my 14 yr old sister right now it's like my sister just doesn't care about anything has no fear and it's scary. I want to get a hold on this now before he turns 13 and i loose all control. At this point i don't trust him to do anything at all. I do admit i get very frustrated being pretty much a single parent, I get no alone time, i can't even go to the bathroom alone anymore i have to bring my kids with me now. I don't get time away and it's frustrating. At times i have given in and not been consistant because i feel i am at my breaking point.

Originally Posted by IluvLucy

I feel for you. I was a single parent from the time my boys were 6 & 3 'til they were 16 & 13. They are now 32 & 29

I found that the main thing is consistency. Today, I see lots of parents trying to be their children's friend. That doesn't work. They need parents, not friends. I also believe a LITTLE fear is healthy! My boys knew that if they screwed up anywhere, it would be worse when they got home.

I spanked my boys when they needed it and praised when it was appropriate.

I'll give an example: When my oldest was 14, I was home with the flu and got a call from his school to come get him - he was in a fight. I told them to release him, he would come straight home (I only lived 2 blocks away) They didn't believe me, but I insisted. I stood on the porch and watched the sidewalk until I saw him coming. By the time he got home, this hulking teenager was in tears! I'm 5'3" and he was 6 ft at the time and weighed
170, but he KNEW I was going to tear into him and I did.

Even though he was bigger than me, the respect and yes, FEAR, I instilled in both of them from the time they were little allowed me to dish out the punishment he deserved. He knew the routine - he leaned over the bed and I tore his butt up with a belt then grounded him for 2 weeks. That meant no phone, straight home from school, no friends and no tv.

He grew up to become a cop and a firearms instructor. He told this story at classes and when people laughed - he told them this "My Mama is a little short fiery woman with a temper as big as she is. She tore my butt UP and I thank God she did. It could've been me on the other side of the bars instead of the other way around. I always told them when I got in trouble at school - Please, call anybody but my Mama - she's gonna raise cain."

I tell you this because sometimes grounding and taking things away doesn't work. I'm not saying BEAT your kids - that's wrong. There is a difference in spanking and beating.

Start 'em young. Tell 'em ONE time, then follow thru with whatever punishment you deem necessary.

[Amber_lv]

Thank you for your reply I am sorry to hear of all your troubles i can relate and i appreciate you sharing your story.

From the time Kaleb was 10 months old till about 8 months ago everytime he took a nap i would go to find him covered in his poop, This kid would take his diaper off and begin to eat,smear,throw and just create havoc with his poop. I took him to the doctor they told me this is normal and a phase that would pass. I honestly thought i was going to loose my mind i cried and sreamed and was so frustrated. When i would go to the bathroom he would somehow get past the child locks on the cubbords and get in to anything he could including, bugspray, windex, anything in a spray bottle Poisen control was on speed dial. I have put all cleaning supplies up in the highest cuboard but after he was using a chair i have to take him to the bathroom with me or hold it. Getting on the phone is a joke they either start screaming or use the opportunity to raise hell. They said Trieden could have some form of ADD but they don't recommend Rittlin NOR DO I. I Guess i will take him in for testing to see if there is anything that can help him but i just feel it's him acting out and i need to come down on him harder but i really don't know what else to do.

I am a little embarresed posting this thread i mean it's totally humiliating for me but i feel that if there are other parents out there that have gone through it maybe i can get some better ideas.

Originally Posted by Duncansmom

*SIGH* I have been watching this post to see all the good advice. It is MO that you never really know what its like until you live it. I will try to make this brief......
My son who is now 19, was a very very difficult little boy. I had nothing but trouble with him since the day he turned 6 mos. Everyone told me BOYS WILL BE BOYS, but I could tell it was something entirely different. He ran at 7 mos old, never crawled just pulled himself up on the table and then ran. He never talked until he was almost 3. He was forever getting into things and at 2 he leaned how to open the front door and would let himself out at 3AM to go play! I had chains and alarms and he still figured it out. He would have fits of rage, pure RAGE and it got to the point we had to take everything out of his room except his mattress and pillow. he would take solid oak chairs and throw them across the room and on and on......
I took him to so many doctors and therapists....nothing helped. He was diagnosed with tons of diff lables.....none were correct. And these were the best doctors in the state! I was considering having to send him away (still breaks my heart today) b/c I just didnt know what to do. he was harming his sister, attacking me and destroying our house. I admit that he almost BROKE me, BUT.....I saw an article that a ped wrote in FL. He wasnt too far away from us so I made an appt w him. he was a ped neuerologist. I took my son to the appt. and as soon as I saw the Dr. I burst into tears and sobbed for 20 mins. He understood. he hugged me and told me they could help my son.
In the end...my son had a very rare form of childhood epilepsy. his brain would seize every 2-12 seconds. Not a familiar seizure, a behavioral seizure with extreme adrnaline rushes that gave him adult strength! He was put on meds...had his blood checked every month and has been seizure free since he was 12. Altho he is still a brat! But I cant tell you how hard it was. now Im not saying this is your sons problems, what I am saying is i think you need to look for every possible reason as to why hes having these issues. I did send my son to camp for 2 weeks every summer and he loved it! even tho the money was tight, I knew it was something he needed. But there are many ways to keep him busy and focused you just have to be creative and persistant until you find HIS niche. Karate never worked for my son either. But I would make an appt w/ his DR. and get all the tests done just to be safe....then keep his lil butt busy with so much stuff he will fall into bed at night and sleep like a baby. Just like bored dogs who get into trouble, they need jobs. Sounds like he could use a job too! LOL you are not a bad mom...I thought I was the worst mom ever....but it wasnt me. Hang in there. Im always around if you need support. it does get better eventually!

Sorry its so long but I really wanted you to know that yo are not alone.

[IluvLucy]

It's tough being a parents, even when you and your spouse are on the same page. Your situation makes it even tougher.

Your son has to know you mean business. Is there any kind of program near you where a deputy takes a kid to visit a jail? I know my son did it with younger kids who were giving their parents trouble. He'd take 'em to the jail and show 'em what was in store for them if they didn't straighten up.

It's something to think about.

[Amber_lv]

Originally Posted by Sookie

Amber, all I can say is that this will all pass eventually. Why? Because you are doing everything that is right. Just continue with the discipline, time out, etc. There's not much more you can do unless he has a particular interest that means a lot to him - something he wouldn't want to have taken away. With my son, now grown, it was his art. That's all he ever was interested in and it still is.

When he was about 9 he decided to go outside and light a match. It was the absolutely most perfect day for a fire - lots of leaves on the ground, no rain in a long time, a slight breeze. He made a little pile of leaves and decided to set them on fire. Within seconds they just spread like crazy and before he knew it the fire was higher than the top of the garage he was hiding behind. Fortunately for him, he immediately came running in the house for my help. It ended up burning down all our neighbors beautiful shrubbery and it almost set their garage on fire (there was an antique car, their prize possession, in the garage). That was the one time I thought my DH was going to kill one of our children. As punishment we made him use all his money to buy new bushes for the neighbor and help with digging up and planting them. Of course he was also grounded to his room when he wasn't slaving next door and offering them apology after apology. I never saw him light another match since then.

The good news!!! He has grown into a kind, caring man who has never gotten into another lick of trouble in his life. He is hard working and thoughtful and I'm so proud of him. So, keep your chin up and continue exactly what you're doing.

OMG Susan!! My husband would have killed him I think that was a good punishment for him Oh my i would have freaked out i am so glad that i caught him right away. Unfortunantly if i was to do that to trieden he would think that it was fun ugghhhh. I have made them scrub base borads and he had the best time of his life WTH? His vice is his game boy which has been taken away now. I was going to get him a game today for it but he blew that. Ok is it really weird that when i am about to do something nice or when i am doing something fun with him this is the main times he acts up?

[Amber_lv]

Originally Posted by IluvLucy

It's tough being a parents, even when you and your spouse are on the same page. Your situation makes it even tougher.

Your son has to know you mean business. Is there any kind of program near you where a deputy takes a kid to visit a jail? I know my son did it with younger kids who were giving their parents trouble. He'd take 'em to the jail and show 'em what was in store for them if they didn't straighten up.

It's something to think about.

Yes this is something i want to look into i really want him to see where lyers,theifs and bad people end up. I hate lyers it is one of the things i hate most in life and he knows it. I wanted to find some type of boot camp for him and show him some tough love. but maybe i will call the local police dept and ask if they have something that can help me. I just don't want him to be afraid of the police ya know i want them to be the good guys in his eyes.

I am seriously thinking of sending him to my grandmothers for a month this summer but they are very religious and i am embarresed that he will act out and they are older so idk if that is a good idea

[IluvLucy]

Originally Posted by Amber_lv

Yes this is something i want to look into i really want him to see where lyers,theifs and bad people end up. I hate lyers it is one of the things i hate most in life and he knows it. I wanted to find some type of boot camp for him and show him some tough love. but maybe i will call the local police dept and ask if they have something that can help me. I just don't want him to be afraid of the police ya know i want them to be the good guys in his eyes.

I am seriously thinking of sending him to my grandmothers for a month this summer but they are very religious and i am embarresed that he will act out and they are older so idk if that is a good idea

I don't think I'd send him to your grandmother's. She shouldn't have to deal with the problem. Check with your local pd and see what they can do.

[Amber_lv]

I wanted to thank everyone for replying I am trying to calm down and i will re-read all the posts. Hard to think clearly when you are upset. I brought him down to talk to him and he knows what he did was wrong. I asked him what he should have done and he gave me the right answer. So i know he know's what is right and what is wrong. I also asked him why he is behaiving like this all he will say is I don't know I guess it is time for some extra tough love around here. I told him that Kaleb looks up to him and he isn't setting good example for him. We are taking all privledges away from him for a week and some permaently untill he can choose the right desicions. I am also calling the police dept on Tuesday to see if there is something they have that will help me. I feel the only way to get him back on course is some tough love and some fear. Hopefully i can regain control i feel so helpless. I do appreciate all your support i really needed it today. This is why i love my YT family so much thank you all!!!

[JessicaMO620]

I think that if you get all his toys, *act* like you are throwing them away (make sure he sees it) and really just hide them somewhere where he cant get them, and tell him you will buy him something for every two weeks he goes without doing ------.

Also, one thing my mother did was have a wooden spoon, after one good spank with that, anytime she would threaten us with it, we would quit doing whatever we were doing immediatly. Dont just threaten to spank him, actually do it.

One more thing, fear. My mom would say that if we didnt act right she would call 911 and have us arrested (of course we didnt know that they wouldnt arrest us, u know), she was just trying to instill a little bit of fear in us, and it worked. My sister and I were pretty good kids.

Take him to a juvenile detention center, get a tour of it, tell him that if he doesent stop acting bad, then he will have a nice little cell there.

[chloeandj]

Amber, i hope you don't get mad at me for saying this. I am just making an observation and I don't want to make any judgement on your family at all.
But so far you have said that he hates his dad, that dad works graveshift and sleeps during the day (not much time with the kids?) and that dad hits and yells for every little thing. I think instead of blaming grandma for spoiling her grandson which is perfectly normal for any grandma to do, that maybe he needs a little love and postive time from dad and work on that relationship. I don't want to pretend like I know anything, it was just a thought I had in my head while reading your posts.

On a side note...I am actually suprised by all the people recommending spanking. I truly believe that all you are teaching a child is that is ok to hit another person. I have never once spanked my kids. I just don't have it in me to hit anyone, much less a little person whose whole world is in this house with me.

[chattiesmom]

My best advice is:

1) Always follow through with both rewards and punishments. If you fail to follow through kids will lose respect for your authority.

2) Always think before you say NO. Sometimes we say NO because it is easier than saying yes, but saying NO all the time it is very discouraging.

3) Replace "punishment" with cause and effect -- for instance --

You wrote on the wall with crayon, so you will have to clean the wall before you do do anything else and then follow through..... You can have dinner when the wall is clean, you can go play when the wall is clean, you can go to the bathroom when the wall is clean, etc.... you become a broken record.... you can do _____ when the wall is clean. Be cheerful and go about your merry way, have fun, have a FANTASTIC snack, watch a movie out of viewing range, play a game, etc. Give a reason to accomplish the task. Be creative, have fun, and NEVER EVER get angry. Cause and effect is not about punishment it is the natural effects of your actions.

A more positive example could be: You did a FANTASTIC job cleaning up your toys, so let's go to the park and play.

[chloeandj]

Originally Posted by chattiesmom

My best advice is:

1) Always follow through with both rewards and punishments. If you fail to follow through kids will lose respect for your authority.

2) Always think before you say NO. Sometimes we say NO because it is easier than saying yes, but saying NO all the time it is very discouraging.

3) Replace "punishment" with cause and effect -- for instance --

You wrote on the wall with crayon, so you will have to clean the wall before you do do anything else and then follow through..... You can have dinner when the wall is clean, you can go play when the wall is clean, you can go to the bathroom when the wall is clean, etc.... you become a broken record.... you can do _____ when the wall is clean. Be cheerful and go about your merry way, have fun, have a FANTASTIC snack, watch a movie out of viewing range, play a game, etc. Give a reason to accomplish the task. Be creative, have fun, and NEVER EVER get angry. Cause and effect is not about punishment it is the natural effects of your actions.

A more positive example could be: You did a FANTASTIC job cleaning up your toys, so let's go to the park and play.

I love your post! That was wonderfully explained!!

[Amber_lv]

Originally Posted by chloeandj

Amber, i hope you don't get mad at me for saying this. I am just making an observation and I don't want to make any judgement on your family at all.
But so far you have said that he hates his dad, that dad works graveshift and sleeps during the day (not much time with the kids?) and that dad hits and yells for every little thing. I think instead of blaming grandma for spoiling her grandson which is perfectly normal for any grandma to do, that maybe he needs a little love and postive time from dad and work on that relationship. I don't want to pretend like I know anything, it was just a thought I had in my head while reading your posts.

On a side note...I am actually suprised by all the people recommending spanking. I truly believe that all you are teaching a child is that is ok to hit another person. I have never once spanked my kids. I just don't have it in me to hit anyone, much less a little person whose whole world is in this house with me.

Not offended at all We are working on their relationship i have explained to my husband that he needs to be more involved and less angry. He is trying but there is much room for improvement. The reason my mom plays a big role is because for the first 3 years he was born we lived with her and it was very hard. But now she spoiles them rotten and lets him get away with everything which is frustrating. By no means is it anyone's fault but my own. I guess i need to be a little more sturn and maybe just be on top of it all more. It's hard with 2 they both have different needs but i am trying. They are cleaning the walls and base boards right now, They just finished picking up the house. I am going to keep them busy all day cleaning and maybe tomarrow they will think about being good to earn rewards. I have taken all toys and privledges (ie. Tv, games and outside time) away today. I think Trieden is getting the point but i will not give trust back so easily.

[chattiesmom]

Originally Posted by chloeandj

I love your post! That was wonderfully explained!!

Thank you, Jodi, my observations came from my heart and from personal experience. I've been there done that. My oldest and youngest are exactly 33 months apart down to the day with my middle one stuck right in the middle. My husband was in mid-management with a major computer company and traveled a lot while the kids were young -- so I know how frustrating it can be when you are in charge and have no relief.