~~~I Am So Upset I Could Scream!!!!~~~~

[piptickle]

Hi I'm a stay at home mum of 4. I have daily troubles and triumphs! I try to focus on the positives and praise!!! Also
#1 RESPECT- you should give respect in order to get respect-ask them their opinions and let them make choices but don't let them take over, give them a choice of 2 or 3 acceptable options!
#2 TRUST-you need to let them know that you trust them, give them some small simple responsibilities, eg.watering the plants/maybe some pet fish to take care of! etc.
I really wish you well and maybe you should try to take some time out for yourself (with the help of your hubby or an understanding friend/relative)! I know how hard it is, but just an hour a day for a candlit bath, or quiet walk with your pooch to help you unwind so you can reflect on your day!

[LoveMyJake]

Originally Posted by Amber_lv

unfortunanlty locks don't work. We had issues with them getting into the pantry and also Kaleb going in rooms he wasn't allowed so i bought the baby door things and they helped Kaleb open the doors better, We then resoted to the hook locks on the tops of the doors but the second we turned our back they had chairs and when Kaleb couldn't reach he just ripped them out of the walls

If locks don't work, put those little child safety alarms on the doors. That way, you will hear it go off if they go outside. I've seen them at Drug Mart, Walgreen's and WalMart and are inexpensive and a cinch to install. There are 3-4 of them in a package, I'm not sure. You can put them on doors, cabinets, windows, etc. My MIL bought these when she had a pool and wanted to make sure the grandchildren didn't get out without someone knowing.

Follow through with every punishment, make them know that when you say something, you mean it! Also, be sure to give them rewards for the good things. Give them a lot of praise when their behavior is good, and maybe treat them to something they enjoy.

Tell them to ALWAYS wake you up if they get up before you. I was always up before my kids, but on weekends the rule was that if they got up, they were to come straight in and wake mommy up.

Good luck! I know it's hard, but if you're consistent and stay right on it, you will see a change, and life will be much more peaceful.

[nygee]

Is there a male figure in their lives?
Sometimes when there isn't a male figure in your home, the oldest seems to take it to his duty, and as young as he is this is what might be happening...
The BEST advise is to TALK to your children, setting rules, and advising them of consequences for breaking rules...
Teach them about the consequences in all they do...
And also its not all about punishing them only, praise them for the good that they do...
Stick to the punishment, if you say 1 wk, make sure is the entire week not just 3 days, this way you are reinforcing the consequences...

I know how difficult those years are...

I'm the only parent to my son(18) and my daughter(19)...
They never had a male figure in their lives...
It was VERY difficult, but I had to stay strong, otherwise they would've just walked all over me...

They turned out to be GREAT INDIVIDUALS!!!
I AM SO PROUD OF THE WORK I DID AS A PARENT!!!


I Love My Furbabies Nygee, Gizmo & Gypsy!!

[kjk723]

I had (still have sometimes) similar problems. My boys are 6 and 2. The older one didnt really start acting up until my youngest got to be 1. There was a lot of change in his life and I dont think he new how to deal with it. He had just started Kindergarten but my youngest one goes to work with me, so he would act up in school. Then my boyfriend moved back in and I think he didnt like some of mommy time taken away. He got a counselor at school and we have been spending some one on one time doing what he loves. I put him in a couple sports but he didnt like them but he has a spanish tutor that he loves because it is JUST about him. He is learning how to be a "GOOD" big brother. I started by sending him to his room everytime he would backtalk, now there is no backtalking anymore!!!!! He is doing so much better. I hope this helps but at least you know you are not alone. GOOD LUCK

[SincrOne]

I am a therapist (counselor) who works with adolescents, and there are SO many things I want to say here. First, though, I will say that there is a difference between punishment and consequence. Punishment is easy, consequence takes time, energy, and thought. The consequence to a behaviour should ALWAYS be tied to the behavior as closely as possible. (For example a child who destroys his siblings favorite toy may lose his own toy AND have to have a discussion with a parent about why destroying the other toy was inappropriate) Additionally, intermittent reinforcement is the strongest type of behavioral reinforcement. If you are going to be too tired to confront a behavior 100% of the time, you'd do better not to do it ever. (For instance, Jonny doesn't eat his veggies Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday, and he doesn't get dessert. This results in 2 hours of crying and pouting. On Friday you don't want to listen to him cry and pout so you give him the dessert anyway...guess what's going to happen on Saturday?!!) Next, parental divide in a home creates the biggest problem of almost any I see in my practice. One parent who is working tirelessly to meet the needs of the child while one parent is noticeably absent, tyrranical and/or a combination of the 2 confuses the child/ren and leaves the home in a chaotic state. Finally, there appear to have been many changes in this child's life. Moving out of grandma's, new brother, dad's new work schedule...subtle changes to an adult, but at 8 (and younger) MAJOR life changes.

I'd suggest a couple of things. First, continue doing what you're doing in terms of maintaining stability. My hat is off to you for being such a wonderfully caring and concerned mother. Next, encourage (and I know that it's easier said than done) your husband to understand the necessity in discontinuing the yelling and screaming...it's not helping the situation any and is only serving to create anxiety in a child who already has needs. I would encourage you to sit with your sons AND your husband to discuss consequences for the most troublesome behaviors (the safety stuff, first) so that he can know what to expect...he already knows, but it will give him ownership. I have a book called Effective Parents, Responsible Children that I used years ago in parenting classes, if you'll PM me your information (I know you don't know me, but I really am trying to help), I'll try to purchase and ship you a copy.

That stuff is a start, and I'll continue to offer as much support as I can. PM me, and I'll continue to support you as needed. HTH

[Amber_lv]

Originally Posted by SincrOne

I am a therapist (counselor) who works with adolescents, and there are SO many things I want to say here. First, though, I will say that there is a difference between punishment and consequence. Punishment is easy, consequence takes time, energy, and thought. The consequence to a behaviour should ALWAYS be tied to the behavior as closely as possible. (For example a child who destroys his siblings favorite toy may lose his own toy AND have to have a discussion with a parent about why destroying the other toy was inappropriate) Additionally, intermittent reinforcement is the strongest type of behavioral reinforcement. If you are going to be too tired to confront a behavior 100% of the time, you'd do better not to do it ever. (For instance, Jonny doesn't eat his veggies Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday, and he doesn't get dessert. This results in 2 hours of crying and pouting. On Friday you don't want to listen to him cry and pout so you give him the dessert anyway...guess what's going to happen on Saturday?!!) Next, parental divide in a home creates the biggest problem of almost any I see in my practice. One parent who is working tirelessly to meet the needs of the child while one parent is noticeably absent, tyrranical and/or a combination of the 2 confuses the child/ren and leaves the home in a chaotic state. Finally, there appear to have been many changes in this child's life. Moving out of grandma's, new brother, dad's new work schedule...subtle changes to an adult, but at 8 (and younger) MAJOR life changes.

I'd suggest a couple of things. First, continue doing what you're doing in terms of maintaining stability. My hat is off to you for being such a wonderfully caring and concerned mother. Next, encourage (and I know that it's easier said than done) your husband to understand the necessity in discontinuing the yelling and screaming...it's not helping the situation any and is only serving to create anxiety in a child who already has needs. I would encourage you to sit with your sons AND your husband to discuss consequences for the most troublesome behaviors (the safety stuff, first) so that he can know what to expect...he already knows, but it will give him ownership. I have a book called Effective Parents, Responsible Children that I used years ago in parenting classes, if you'll PM me your information (I know you don't know me, but I really am trying to help), I'll try to purchase and ship you a copy.

That stuff is a start, and I'll continue to offer as much support as I can. PM me, and I'll continue to support you as needed. HTH

Wow Thank you so much!! It's very refreshing to have you here to help what a great person you are Thank you for the advice and yes i will be pm'ing you for some further advice thanks

[crystalsmom]

Originally Posted by chloeandj

Amber, i hope you don't get mad at me for saying this. I am just making an observation and I don't want to make any judgement on your family at all.
But so far you have said that he hates his dad, that dad works graveshift and sleeps during the day (not much time with the kids?) and that dad hits and yells for every little thing. I think instead of blaming grandma for spoiling her grandson which is perfectly normal for any grandma to do, that maybe he needs a little love and postive time from dad and work on that relationship. I don't want to pretend like I know anything, it was just a thought I had in my head while reading your posts.

On a side note...I am actually suprised by all the people recommending spanking. I truly believe that all you are teaching a child is that is ok to hit another person. I have never once spanked my kids. I just don't have it in me to hit anyone, much less a little person whose whole world is in this house with me.

edit: I didn't see the post above, how wonderful.

I especially like yours and Chattiemom's advise and I was about to post something about Dad also. I have one thing I might add that I did every night and it brought me and my children so close was to read to them in bed every night. Some days I did have to send them to their room or take a toy away and they would be upset but they knew at the end of the day that I loved them no matter what the day was like and we were ready for tomorrow.

[chloeandj]

Originally Posted by crystalsmom

edit: I didn't see the post above, how wonderful.

I especially like yours and Chattiemom's advise and I was about to post something about Dad also. I have one thing I might add that I did every night and it brought me and my children so close was to read to them in bed every night. Some days I did have to send them to their room or take a toy away and they would be upset but they knew at the end of the day that I loved them no matter what the day was like and we were ready for tomorrow.

i so agree with you! I don't read to my kids at bedtime because we have to read during homework time. But every night my kids get 10-15 minutes of just individual mommy time in bed. They tell me about anything that bothered them during the day or we just be silly or cuddle. It really helps us keep connected at the end of the day whether is was just a busy day or maybe we all annoyed eachother all day LOL It is our favorite time of day.

[chattiesmom]

Originally Posted by crystalsmom

edit: I didn't see the post above, how wonderful.

I especially like yours and Chattiemom's advise and I was about to post something about Dad also. I have one thing I might add that I did every night and it brought me and my children so close was to read to them in bed every night. Some days I did have to send them to their room or take a toy away and they would be upset but they knew at the end of the day that I loved them no matter what the day was like and we were ready for tomorrow.

Thank you for your comments. My middle child was a real challenge and I had to be very creative with consequences. Also, I found that giving each child undivided attention doing things that THEY enjoyed doing was very helpful in making positive changes to over-all behavior.

I read to my children until they were in Junior High. It was such a close family time. As the children grew older, we would take turns reading and choosing good literature to read. When they were younger it was a challenge 'cause it was hard for them to stay still, but with firm patient reminders that this was "quiet time" I was able to establish peaceful bed-times.