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Old 09-08-2006, 09:04 AM   #1
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Default Does the feelings of Guilt ever go away?

Hi, some of you may have read my thread that I posted on the 3rd of August 06 when my beloved Yorkie Max had to be put to sleep due to a Brain Tumour..very sudden and so very sad for all of us..still find it terribly difficult to talk about him without crying...even doing the simplest of things makes me upset. Anyway a few weeks ago my husband came home and presented me with a box with a huge bow on the top and inside was...yep you've guessed it, a 12 week old male yorkie pup....to say I was shocked was an understatement not least because I had said to him that I didn't want another dog so soon..couldn't even imagine another dog taking Max's place...anyway the pup has been named Bailey and is obviously here to stay..I'm not that cruel but can anyone tell me, does the guilt of having another dog in the house ever go away? At times I feel so retched and guilty that this pup is on our bed where Max always loved to be...it's not that I don't adore Bailey but the constant feelings of guilt is really getting me down...haven't even told people about Bailey apart from my immediate family that we have another dog incase they will judge me and think I never cared enough for Max...just wondered if this is normal as Max was my first dog and so I haven't experience anything like it before. Has anyone got any advice as to how to get over these feelings? Even taking the pup for it's first walk was so emotional for me...really feel so alone right now that I don't know what to do..will these feelings go in time or are they something I have to live with...sorry to go on but I only feel you guys on this forum will understand. Thanks

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Old 09-08-2006, 09:11 AM   #2
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Please stop feeling guilty. Your not replacing Max! You will always have him close to your heart and I am sure he would not want you to feel sad all the time. Enjoy your new puppy. You have a wonderful hubby who only wants to
make you happy again. This little one needs you and you need him. Enjoy and have a wonderful life together.
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Old 09-08-2006, 09:24 AM   #3
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First of all, I'm so sorry for your loss of Max... second, Congrats for Bailey. I can most definitely understand your feelings. We had to put down our 15 year old toy poodle a couple years ago. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to choose to do. He was everything to me (and us).... he was my "first born" that I got when I moved away from home - before marriage, before kids. I was completely and utterly devastated when it came time to let him go. He had many issues towards the end but with medication and diet, he lived way longer than I thought he would AND he had a very full, happy life. It was the stroke he had his last day that pushed us to make that horrible decision. I have never been one to go into any kind of "depression" but I really think that's what happened to me afterwards. My family was concerned about me..... not that I was despondent or anything but I just "functioned". It was a really good friend of mine that completely understands the human/dog bond who convinced me to find a new pup. I even had a heart to heart with my vet (small town, great friend) who "deemed me ready" also. He had so many great things to say about my relationship with Dax (the poodle) and said that he thought I was ready to move on and be the best mommy to another very fortunate pup.

Like you, I did feel a bit guilty and concerned about what other people thought but my family saw how much it changed my frame of mind and were all for it. We got Tatum about 3 weeks after Daxton's passing.

I don't know what I can say to make you feel any better because it was such a gradual thing for me. I can just say that it will get better. You KNOW that you gave Max the best possible life and had no choice in the end to end his suffering. You can KNOW all of that all you want but try to convince yourself that it really is true. You will fall in love with Bailey and it will be a different love but a wonderful love none the less!

Now I've got a huge lump in my throat and tears in my eyes so I'll sign off. See, it (the love) never goes away and it's hard to talk about for a long time but I know that we (my family and I) will never forget our first furbaby and love our second just as much!!

Hope that helps just a little.
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Old 09-08-2006, 09:36 AM   #4
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oh man you got me in tears now.
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Old 09-08-2006, 09:36 AM   #5
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Dont feel guilty Mitchell ,I know exactly how you feel My 1st yorkie was called Max and we had to have him put to sleep at 13 years old it was a very hard decision.
We then got my mum a puppy called Pebbles and my mum was like you it took her a while to accept the dog even though she was the one to ask for one but once it came she found it hard to accept that our Max was gone.
Gradually the little puppy won her over she was nothing like Max in nature or in any other way she had her own little personallity. Little by little she inched her way into my mum's heart.they are not a replacement for the little one you had but they will find their own space within your heart believe me there is plenty of in room there,it just takes time to adjust.
You did the best you could for your little Max and you know deep down it was the right thing to do but it is not easy!
Our little Pebbles is now 13 1/2 years old but we have never forgotten our Max.
I now have 2 little yorkies of my own whom I love to bits ,due to circumstances and work commitments its taken me all this time since I lost my Max to get a yorkie of my own but I love them to bits but I will always love Max and kkep in my heart!
I hope you saddness fades as time goes by but give little Bailey a chance to worm his way into your heart.
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Old 09-08-2006, 09:40 AM   #6
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I believe dogs are like people in that no two are the same and every one is special and unique in their own way. A house full of dogs will never replace Max, he was one of a kind and will always occupy a special place in your heart. Now that you have Bailey, your heart will expand to include another special place for your new pup. Our hearts have a huge capacity for love and I think you can never run out of space. Just because you love and enjoy your new furbaby does not mean that you have forgotten or stopped loving Max. You must allow yourself to be happy again. While I feel the same as you in that I told my husband that the day Nikko leaves us, I don't want him to get me another dog, if I was as fortunate as you to get one, I would welcome him into my heart willingly. With time, your guilt will go away, but only if you allow yourself to realize that you deserve happiness again. Max wouldn't want mommy to be sad. Good luck to you and enjoy your new furry bundle of joy.
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Old 09-08-2006, 09:49 AM   #7
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I understand your feelings completely. I can also tell you that everything that Angie said is almost exactly how I felt. It still hurts and I suppose it will always hurt. It's just that the pain dulls over time. Don't let your feelings of guilt take away from your relationship with your new puppy. This is where you have to compartmentalize your emotions and keep Max in one special place in your heart and Bailey in another special place. This is something that men are more easily able to do than us women. IMO and experience, Bailey will help you get over your broken heart and your normal feelings of guilt if you will just let him. He's a bundle of love sent from above. Bless you.
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Old 09-08-2006, 10:18 AM   #8
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You brought tears to my eyes. Max will always be first in your heart but from what I'm hearing from you that you have a big heart and have room for many Yorkie. So enjoy the new little one. God Bless you and your little angel.

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Old 09-08-2006, 10:41 AM   #9
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Dont feel guilty , Max had 11 wonderful years with you . Life is so short , you should enjoy every seconds with the new puppy . He knows that he will never be replaced in your heart .
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Old 09-08-2006, 10:48 AM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mitchell
Hi, some of you may have read my thread that I posted on the 3rd of August 06 when my beloved Yorkie Max had to be put to sleep due to a Brain Tumour..very sudden and so very sad for all of us..still find it terribly difficult to talk about him without crying...even doing the simplest of things makes me upset. Anyway a few weeks ago my husband came home and presented me with a box with a huge bow on the top and inside was...yep you've guessed it, a 12 week old male yorkie pup....to say I was shocked was an understatement not least because I had said to him that I didn't want another dog so soon..couldn't even imagine another dog taking Max's place...anyway the pup has been named Bailey and is obviously here to stay..I'm not that cruel but can anyone tell me, does the guilt of having another dog in the house ever go away? At times I feel so retched and guilty that this pup is on our bed where Max always loved to be...it's not that I don't adore Bailey but the constant feelings of guilt is really getting me down...haven't even told people about Bailey apart from my immediate family that we have another dog incase they will judge me and think I never cared enough for Max...just wondered if this is normal as Max was my first dog and so I haven't experience anything like it before. Has anyone got any advice as to how to get over these feelings? Even taking the pup for it's first walk was so emotional for me...really feel so alone right now that I don't know what to do..will these feelings go in time or are they something I have to live with...sorry to go on but I only feel you guys on this forum will understand. Thanks
Yes, when I lost our little beloved Cleo 6 years ago. She was 16 years old and had to be put to sleep, congestive heart failure. The next day my husband brought home Anniversary (she was brought home on our 25th Anniversary).....the guilt remained for months. But, now everytime a new yorkie comes into the house, I swear that I feel her little paws walking across the bed. I've decided that that is her way of telling me she approves. I know that's nuts.....but, it's how I deal with it.
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Old 09-08-2006, 10:58 AM   #11
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A new pup will never replace an old beloved pup in your heart. We know that and so do they. Maybe your new pup is your old one only in another life. Or it could be that Max "picked" this one out special just for you because he knows how you are feeling. Anyway you look at it, you have a little one craving your love, give in, you will feel better.
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Old 09-08-2006, 11:08 AM   #12
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Don't feel guilty, Bailey can't take the place of Max, but he can help heal your heart...I had to put my baby Tucker down from a liver shunt, you do feel guilty, but then I realized how much pain he was in and I did the best for him...you can't let them be in that much pain and not do something about it...Tucker wouldn't want me to be sad and he would want me to give all the other ones the same love I gave him....Just remember Max is always going to be with you, but he wants you happy and he knows you have alot of love to give to other babies so don't feel guilty just remember how bless you are to have had him, now you can have Bailey to love...It has been 3 years and still think about Tucker everyday, and sometimes I will see or hear something that makes me think of him and I will cry but I know he is in a better place with no pain....
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Old 09-08-2006, 11:20 AM   #13
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ohh hun, I know exactly how you feel. I lost Kloey in June, and in July I got Lillie, I was all for getting her and was very excited, but when we brought her home, I looked at her in ways that I didnt think I would, when I seen her sleeping, all I could picture is seeing Kloey on the road dead. I had to shake these feelings out of my head. I wasent sure if I did the right thing by getting her so soon, but now I look back and I thank god I got her, she has been such a blessing, I'm so attached to her and so over protective of her. I know she will never replace Kloey, and thats not what I was trying to do, but she did help mend my heart.
Please don't feel guilty, you have to know that Max would want you to be happy, he would want you to love this new puppy unconditionly. he is looking down on you now, and he is your new angel. He knows that one day, you and him will re-unite again, and when that time comes, he will be waiting at the gate, holding it open, waiting to jump on you and give you the most yorkie kisses ever! You carry Max deep in your heart and remember all the good times you had with him, all the love you gave him, he knows you still love him and I'm sure he is up in heaven and has a great big yorkie smile on his face, but he dont want you to be sad, he wants you to be happy and remember all the good memories you and him shared.
Bond with Bailey, right now he needs you and you need him, trust me, you will tahnk yourself.

My heart goes out to you dear friend, I thought I was going to just curl up in a ball and admit myself to the loney farm, but I realized she is still here with me and she wants me to be happy and go on with my life, I honestly believe she had everything in this world to do with me getting Lillie.
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Old 09-08-2006, 01:13 PM   #14
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No other pup could ever "replace" Max. As each dog has their individual personalites.

My neice lost their dog last year. With the whole house still greiving, the folks where her husband worked took up a collection, and got them another dog. Same type of dog Mina was.

They really felt guilty, and not ready to do this again, but couldn't refuse the new puppy, once it'd been given to them.

They named the new dog Max! But being kinda forced into this they started training Max, and really have learned to love him. No, he's nothing like Mina was, but seems to have covered that gaping hole in thier hearts.

It will take some time to get used to a new pup, and learn to love it. That doesn't come overnight. But I feel you have plenty of love to give Bailey, and as soon as your ready, Bailey is there to help you fill that "void" in your life.

I'm sure your spouse didn't do this to "replace" Max. But must have felt you still had a lot of love to give another pet. Seems we all love our pets, like children though. Each one in a different way.

You all had me boohooing too, here! I am new here, and tried to read the fallen yorkie colomun the other day, and started crying so hard, knew I couldn't read anymore.
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Old 09-08-2006, 02:18 PM   #15
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Congrats on the pup! I agree, don't feel guilty. Your previous dog holds a very special place in your heart and NO ONE can replace him. This new pup deserves a chance and to find a very special place of his own in your heart.
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