Advice on divorce please - YorkieTalk.com Forums

Marlee · 07-02-2006, 09:06 AM

Hey everyone,
I need advice, After 10 years of marriage I am so ready to be done. My husband and I fight all the time, we have diffrent religious beliefs ( We were the same until I found out information I did not agree with, and left the church) and for 9 years we have been trying to fix it.

His version of fixing us is to blame me for the problems, make demands that I change, tells me I am worthless, and stupid, and putting me down. I have changed, I have even gone back to his religion on 2 occasions, and when I did , I still was not good enough. I am unhappy, and I cry myself to sleep all the time.

My concern is we have 6 children (5 are his) I hate what a divorce would do to them. But I also dont want my boys to think they can treat women the way I have let myself be treated. I am in school, and have been telling myself that when I was ready for graduate school, maybe things would be diffrent, but now I dont know if I can wait that long.

I want someone to love and care for me the way I am, not ask me, tell me to change every day, I hate the fact I am made to feel I will never be good enough, am I crazy? I just need to hear from people, I know this is only my side, but I am just beside myself. Please any advice, would be wonderful.

lucindaw. · 07-02-2006, 09:13 AM

Have you been in therapy with him and on your own?
Also I recommend the book Passionate Marriage. The title is misleading as it ends up being a book about inner work on self.

Marlee · 07-02-2006, 09:16 AM

yes, we have been to counseling four times. Each time he is fine while we talk about my flaws, but when the talk discusses what he needs to change, he qiuts going saying they are a quack, or not working to help us.
I have gone by myself, that has only helped to grow my concerns...
I will look for that book, thanks

RLC12345678 · 07-02-2006, 10:34 AM

First of all, I hate to hear that you are having to go through sometime like this. I know how hard it must be on you.

It seems like the ONLY way ya'll would be able to get through this is if yall BOTH go through marriage counseling...not just you, but BOTH. So, I would give him an ultimatum...tell him that he HAS to go through counseling with you, no matter how big of a quack he thinks it is, or you will file for divorce. If it ends up being divorce, I would sit your sons down and tell them that they better not EVER treat women how your husband has treated you...that it is unacceptable. Try to look for a book that you can share with your sons on how women should be treated.

You do not deserve this kind of treatment. You deserve to have a partner, a companion, someone that is your best friend. NOT someone who talks down to you constantly. I would make divorce a last resort, but I would NOT, under any circumstances, allow your husband to speak to you in the manner that he does....verbal abuse is just as bad a physical abuse IMO. He needs to learn that he IS NOT perfect and that it takes TWO to make a marraige work.

GOOD LUCK. Big hugs from me to you. I will keep you in my prayers.

KiKiPie · 07-02-2006, 11:01 AM

I am so sorry you are going through this.
Let me tell you one thing about my life.
My dad treated my mom the exact same way that your husband treats you. She never left him. She stayed for me. Now that I am grown and have a family of my own, I know that I would have been much happier if she would have left him. She would have been happier too. It might be hard on them at first, but it would probably be better for them in the long run.
I was always so nervous just waiting for my dad to blow up at my mom and tell her how stupid she was... they might feel the same way.
I hope everything works out for you the way you want it.

lolabella · 07-02-2006, 12:35 PM

It seems like your husband is emotionally abusing you, and any kind of abuse in any relationship is not acceptable. If this has been going on for years he is not going to change no matter how much he needs to or tries to. If he is like that towards you, he might treat your children in a similar manner. My father was also emotionally abusive, and he still is. My mom never left him because he wasn't physically violent. My father ended up seriously damaging my self esteem with his relentless (and unjustified) criticisms. I am still trying to heal. Ever since I can remember I always wished they would get divorced so I could live with my mom.
Do whatever is going to make YOU happy because when you are happy your children will be too.

Marlee · 07-02-2006, 01:35 PM

I so much apprieciate the replies that have been given. I feel over the years things have progressed, to a point now that I dont think I can take it anymore.

Also the replies from children of parents with a realationship like this...THANK YOU, THANK YOU. I have let him be emotionally abusive to them as well, he gets rough at times, but has never hit them. However I see the way he grabs them, yells at them, and the fury in his eyes. I have tried to keep the fighting from them, but they have seen it to many times to count. I was afraid by failing at a marriage it would damage them, but afraid thgey would learn from him to. I have 6 children, 2 boys and 4 girls. I was worried about the boys, but forgot to consider that I am an example to my daughters as well.

I hope for their sake I am couragous enough to make the right decison. Thanks for the advice, much appriecated

RLC12345678 · 07-02-2006, 02:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by KiKiPie

I am so sorry you are going through this.
Let me tell you one thing about my life.
My dad treated my mom the exact same way that your husband treats you. She never left him. She stayed for me. Now that I am grown and have a family of my own, I know that I would have been much happier if she would have left him. She would have been happier too. It might be hard on them at first, but it would probably be better for them in the long run.
I was always so nervous just waiting for my dad to blow up at my mom and tell her how stupid she was... they might feel the same way.
I hope everything works out for you the way you want it.

I have several several friends that have said that their dad was verbally abusive and that they were SO happy when their mom finally left their dad.

LuvMySissy · 07-02-2006, 03:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by RLC12345678

You do not deserve this kind of treatment. You deserve to have a partner, a companion, someone that is your best friend. NOT someone who talks down to you constantly. I would make divorce a last resort, but I would NOT, under any circumstances, allow your husband to speak to you in the manner that he does....verbal abuse is just as bad a physical abuse IMO. He needs to learn that he IS NOT perfect and that it takes TWO to make a marraige work.

I couldn't agree more. If you feel you have done all this and truly no longer love him, then you need to live life for yourself. But first, you need to really believe that you are a good, worthy person. Best of luck to you.

lucindaw. · 07-02-2006, 04:03 PM

Having been through your situation myself, I think it is so important for you to be in counseling with a psychologist (not a social worker...some are incredible but some are lacking in the skills you want) by yourself. A lightbulb went off in my head many times in sessions but particularly when the therapist pointed out that I had always paired with narcissistic men. While these could be great men in many ways, they were incapable of meeting my emotional needs. Your husband might do fine with a woman that does not have the particular needs that you have. I realized that I like a great deal of connectedness and my ex did not. I was always in relationships with men like that. After I finally got divorced and started dating again, I went to the psychologist to discuss the two men that I was seeing. One was a handsome, charismatic, loveable filmmaker (typical of the men I was drawn to). But he was laden with issues around intimacy. The other man was not as charismatic, nor handsome but so giving, caring, insightful etc. Not he kind of man I usually chose for relationships.When the therapist pointed out where i was headed if I kept seeing the filmmaker....I finally GOT it. I immediately stopped seeing him and 2 years later married man number 2 and could not be any happier. My ex husband chose someone much more suited to his personality and he is also happy. What I am getting at is that YOU need to learn about YOU....and you need support and guidance over the next year or two to deal with the loss and challenges that you will meet head on. If you don't gain insight into YOUR issues, you will end up with the same wolf in a different sheeps clothing! I support you in your journey and know that you can find deep contentment.

KiKiPie · 07-02-2006, 04:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Marlee

I so much apprieciate the replies that have been given. I feel over the years things have progressed, to a point now that I dont think I can take it anymore.

Also the replies from children of parents with a realationship like this...THANK YOU, THANK YOU. I have let him be emotionally abusive to them as well, he gets rough at times, but has never hit them. However I see the way he grabs them, yells at them, and the fury in his eyes. I have tried to keep the fighting from them, but they have seen it to many times to count. I was afraid by failing at a marriage it would damage them, but afraid thgey would learn from him to. I have 6 children, 2 boys and 4 girls. I was worried about the boys, but forgot to consider that I am an example to my daughters as well.

I hope for their sake I am couragous enough to make the right decison. Thanks for the advice, much appriecated

I truely hope my comment helped you in some way. I will never forget the way my dad treated my mom or me. Please keep us updated! I will be thinking about you.

sylvan · 07-02-2006, 04:25 PM

life is short....be true to yourself.

BonamassaGirl · 07-02-2006, 05:03 PM

As a child of divorce, let me say that my parents splitting up was he best thing they ever could have done for themselves, and the 4 of us kids. Staying in an abusive home, whether it be physical or emotional (I suffered both) does more damage to the children in the long run than the parents getting a divorce.

In my case, the abuser was my mother. I dreamed of the day I could get away from my parents' constant fighting and my mother breaking my father down every day like that. And what she did to us kids, well I won't get into that. But my Dad was RIGHT to leave her, and I was always happy that he did. My life was better for it. I lived with my Dad after and without all the daily abuse, he was able to raise us kids the way we should be raised, with love and fairness and happiness and a sense of protection and security, and I thank God every day for that.

Sometimes it's better for everyone if the parents divorce. Living every day in a situation like that can only get worse. If you have been to marriage counseling 4 times, and you are still crying yourself to sleep every night and your kids are suffering, then it may be time to make a change.

I am also in a marriage where my husband and I started out the same religion, and I converted to another one. He has been totally supportive of it so I don't know what you are feeling but I can only imagine how lonely you must feel not being supported and encouraged to find your own truth. You should find your own truth for yourself, whatever it is. Do it for YOU.

I wish you all the luck in the world, whatever you decide to do. Stay strong, follow your heart, pay close attention to your true feelings and don't ignore your spirit. It is already talking to you, you just need to listen to it.

Namaste

JeanieK · 07-02-2006, 07:12 PM

I too was in a verbally abusive relatiopnship. I had 6 children, but I had to get out. My second husband and his wife were miserable, but stayed together until their 4 children were grown.

None of his children have ever had a good relationship, only one got married and that only lasted a few years. All 6 of my children are married or are in relationships.

I believe a child is better off seeing their parents happy with other people, than having them together and miserable, and to me this is the proof.

TootiesMom · 07-02-2006, 07:40 PM

I am also the product of divorced parents, my brothers and I ages 15, 12 and 8, were all very shocked but now we see how much better it was when my parents were not together Luckily we all three learned from the abusive situation and saw that our parents were much happier apart - the even became FRIENDS, they just could not live together.... kids are stronger than you think. it brought us closer and made us stronger people knowing that our parents made the decision that ended up being best for us.
good luck to you and God bless you in your decision....
d

07-02-2006, 09:06 AM	#1
Marlee YT 500 Club Member Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: Caldwell Idaho Posts: 956	Advice on divorce please Hey everyone, I need advice, After 10 years of marriage I am so ready to be done. My husband and I fight all the time, we have diffrent religious beliefs ( We were the same until I found out information I did not agree with, and left the church) and for 9 years we have been trying to fix it. His version of fixing us is to blame me for the problems, make demands that I change, tells me I am worthless, and stupid, and putting me down. I have changed, I have even gone back to his religion on 2 occasions, and when I did , I still was not good enough. I am unhappy, and I cry myself to sleep all the time. My concern is we have 6 children (5 are his) I hate what a divorce would do to them. But I also dont want my boys to think they can treat women the way I have let myself be treated. I am in school, and have been telling myself that when I was ready for graduate school, maybe things would be diffrent, but now I dont know if I can wait that long. I want someone to love and care for me the way I am, not ask me, tell me to change every day, I hate the fact I am made to feel I will never be good enough, am I crazy? I just need to hear from people, I know this is only my side, but I am just beside myself. Please any advice, would be wonderful. __________________ Marlee Bridget's Mommy Bridget 's Romeo

07-02-2006, 09:16 AM	#3
Marlee YT 500 Club Member Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: Caldwell Idaho Posts: 956	yes, we have been to counseling four times. Each time he is fine while we talk about my flaws, but when the talk discusses what he needs to change, he qiuts going saying they are a quack, or not working to help us. I have gone by myself, that has only helped to grow my concerns... I will look for that book, thanks __________________ Marlee Bridget's Mommy Bridget 's Romeo

07-02-2006, 11:01 AM	#5
KiKiPie Donating Yorkie Yakker Join Date: May 2006 Location: Mississippi Posts: 1,162	I am so sorry you are going through this. Let me tell you one thing about my life. My dad treated my mom the exact same way that your husband treats you. She never left him. She stayed for me. Now that I am grown and have a family of my own, I know that I would have been much happier if she would have left him. She would have been happier too. It might be hard on them at first, but it would probably be better for them in the long run. I was always so nervous just waiting for my dad to blow up at my mom and tell her how stupid she was... they might feel the same way. I hope everything works out for you the way you want it. __________________ Kristi and spoiled rotten Tiffany

07-02-2006, 12:35 PM	#6
lolabella Donating Yorkie Yakker Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: . Posts: 493	It seems like your husband is emotionally abusing you, and any kind of abuse in any relationship is not acceptable. If this has been going on for years he is not going to change no matter how much he needs to or tries to. If he is like that towards you, he might treat your children in a similar manner. My father was also emotionally abusive, and he still is. My mom never left him because he wasn't physically violent. My father ended up seriously damaging my self esteem with his relentless (and unjustified) criticisms. I am still trying to heal. Ever since I can remember I always wished they would get divorced so I could live with my mom. Do whatever is going to make YOU happy because when you are happy your children will be too. __________________

07-02-2006, 01:35 PM	#7
Marlee YT 500 Club Member Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: Caldwell Idaho Posts: 956	I so much apprieciate the replies that have been given. I feel over the years things have progressed, to a point now that I dont think I can take it anymore. Also the replies from children of parents with a realationship like this...THANK YOU, THANK YOU. I have let him be emotionally abusive to them as well, he gets rough at times, but has never hit them. However I see the way he grabs them, yells at them, and the fury in his eyes. I have tried to keep the fighting from them, but they have seen it to many times to count. I was afraid by failing at a marriage it would damage them, but afraid thgey would learn from him to. I have 6 children, 2 boys and 4 girls. I was worried about the boys, but forgot to consider that I am an example to my daughters as well. I hope for their sake I am couragous enough to make the right decison. Thanks for the advice, much appriecated __________________ Marlee Bridget's Mommy Bridget 's Romeo

07-02-2006, 09:13 AM	#2
lucindaw. Senior Yorkie Talker Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: shawnee ks Posts: 95	Have you been in therapy with him and on your own? Also I recommend the book Passionate Marriage. The title is misleading as it ends up being a book about inner work on self.

07-02-2006, 10:34 AM	#4
RLC12345678 I heart Hootie & Hobbs Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: USA Posts: 7,149	First of all, I hate to hear that you are having to go through sometime like this. I know how hard it must be on you. It seems like the ONLY way ya'll would be able to get through this is if yall BOTH go through marriage counseling...not just you, but BOTH. So, I would give him an ultimatum...tell him that he HAS to go through counseling with you, no matter how big of a quack he thinks it is, or you will file for divorce. If it ends up being divorce, I would sit your sons down and tell them that they better not EVER treat women how your husband has treated you...that it is unacceptable. Try to look for a book that you can share with your sons on how women should be treated. You do not deserve this kind of treatment. You deserve to have a partner, a companion, someone that is your best friend. NOT someone who talks down to you constantly. I would make divorce a last resort, but I would NOT, under any circumstances, allow your husband to speak to you in the manner that he does....verbal abuse is just as bad a physical abuse IMO. He needs to learn that he IS NOT perfect and that it takes TWO to make a marraige work. GOOD LUCK. Big hugs from me to you. I will keep you in my prayers.

07-02-2006, 04:03 PM	#10
lucindaw. Senior Yorkie Talker Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: shawnee ks Posts: 95	Having been through your situation myself, I think it is so important for you to be in counseling with a psychologist (not a social worker...some are incredible but some are lacking in the skills you want) by yourself. A lightbulb went off in my head many times in sessions but particularly when the therapist pointed out that I had always paired with narcissistic men. While these could be great men in many ways, they were incapable of meeting my emotional needs. Your husband might do fine with a woman that does not have the particular needs that you have. I realized that I like a great deal of connectedness and my ex did not. I was always in relationships with men like that. After I finally got divorced and started dating again, I went to the psychologist to discuss the two men that I was seeing. One was a handsome, charismatic, loveable filmmaker (typical of the men I was drawn to). But he was laden with issues around intimacy. The other man was not as charismatic, nor handsome but so giving, caring, insightful etc. Not he kind of man I usually chose for relationships.When the therapist pointed out where i was headed if I kept seeing the filmmaker....I finally GOT it. I immediately stopped seeing him and 2 years later married man number 2 and could not be any happier. My ex husband chose someone much more suited to his personality and he is also happy. What I am getting at is that YOU need to learn about YOU....and you need support and guidance over the next year or two to deal with the loss and challenges that you will meet head on. If you don't gain insight into YOUR issues, you will end up with the same wolf in a different sheeps clothing! I support you in your journey and know that you can find deep contentment.

07-02-2006, 04:25 PM	#12
sylvan YT 2000 Club Member Join Date: Jun 2005 Location: Eastern PA Posts: 2,484	life is short....be true to yourself. __________________ Stacy and the crew

07-02-2006, 05:03 PM	#13
BonamassaGirl Senior Yorkie Talker Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: Cary, IL Posts: 88	As a child of divorce, let me say that my parents splitting up was he best thing they ever could have done for themselves, and the 4 of us kids. Staying in an abusive home, whether it be physical or emotional (I suffered both) does more damage to the children in the long run than the parents getting a divorce. In my case, the abuser was my mother. I dreamed of the day I could get away from my parents' constant fighting and my mother breaking my father down every day like that. And what she did to us kids, well I won't get into that. But my Dad was RIGHT to leave her, and I was always happy that he did. My life was better for it. I lived with my Dad after and without all the daily abuse, he was able to raise us kids the way we should be raised, with love and fairness and happiness and a sense of protection and security, and I thank God every day for that. Sometimes it's better for everyone if the parents divorce. Living every day in a situation like that can only get worse. If you have been to marriage counseling 4 times, and you are still crying yourself to sleep every night and your kids are suffering, then it may be time to make a change. I am also in a marriage where my husband and I started out the same religion, and I converted to another one. He has been totally supportive of it so I don't know what you are feeling but I can only imagine how lonely you must feel not being supported and encouraged to find your own truth. You should find your own truth for yourself, whatever it is. Do it for YOU. I wish you all the luck in the world, whatever you decide to do. Stay strong, follow your heart, pay close attention to your true feelings and don't ignore your spirit. It is already talking to you, you just need to listen to it. Namaste __________________ ~APRIL~ Proud mommy of Foster and little Schatzi

07-02-2006, 07:12 PM	#14
JeanieK Donating YT 12K Club Member Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Council Bluffs Iowa Posts: 12,552	I too was in a verbally abusive relatiopnship. I had 6 children, but I had to get out. My second husband and his wife were miserable, but stayed together until their 4 children were grown. None of his children have ever had a good relationship, only one got married and that only lasted a few years. All 6 of my children are married or are in relationships. I believe a child is better off seeing their parents happy with other people, than having them together and miserable, and to me this is the proof.

07-02-2006, 07:40 PM	#15
TootiesMom and Hopeys Mom Too Donating Member Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: Louisiana Posts: 4,109	I am also the product of divorced parents, my brothers and I ages 15, 12 and 8, were all very shocked but now we see how much better it was when my parents were not together Luckily we all three learned from the abusive situation and saw that our parents were much happier apart - the even became FRIENDS, they just could not live together.... kids are stronger than you think. it brought us closer and made us stronger people knowing that our parents made the decision that ended up being best for us. good luck to you and God bless you in your decision.... d __________________ Donna's little herd.... Tooties Dogster http://www.dogster.com/?271687 Hopeys Dogster http://www.dogster.com/?448723 and Tinker, TBone(RIP) Laci .. OH, and Me-Kitty(RIP)