Something to debate... Let's keep it civil.

[JeanieK]

Originally Posted by ARCHIE

IMO if you raise your daughters and sons with respect for them then
they should have respect for you. Being a parent does not necessary earn you respect. There are lots of so called parents who are biological parents and do nothing in the way of raising decent children. Obviously your DIL is one of them and has no respect
for her own mother. Very sad. There is no way on earth I would allow my daughters or DIL to talk to me in such a manner. I am so sorry your son has not
put her in her place out of respect for you. He should without you even
opening your mouth. This should be such a happy time for you with
all those babies on the way. Is it at all possible that she feels jealous
of your three girls and the relationship between all of you? Any way you
can give it one more try and talk to her? I hope it gets better for you.

As far as the Baby Talk site that alone tells you what their own children
are going to end up like. If they feel that way about their own mothers
dollars to donuts their own children will follow in their footsteps.

Yes I do believe that she is jealous. At Christmas time, when she found out about the third daughter being pregnant, she set out to get pregnant herself, eventhough they are not in a posituion to have another child, and she had said that very thing herself.

They are living with her parents, and have been for 3 years, they had a second child while living there and now she is pregnant with a third. I bit my tongue and congratulated her nicely and told her I hoped she got her girl this time, she has 2 boys.

She has said over and over that she wants sisters, she has none, and how she loves being a part of a big family and having 5 sisters, yet she starts arguments constantly. and then cuts herself off from everyone.

Always in the past I have initiated the make up, someone has to be the adult, but this time I'm not doing it, because history has shown me that it will only last about 2 months and then it will be something else. I believe she just hates her life so bad that she is just an unhappy miserable person. Yet she refuses to get a job so that they can get out of her parents house.

When I would say "I'm sorry we agrued", she never says "I'm sorry too", she doesn't give appologies, and she doesn't accept them. Nothing ever gets resolved, they just get put on hold until she decides to bring them up again.

[JeanieK]

Oprah had a shnow on not too long ago, and to me it really explained a lot.

The fguy said, that spoiled children grow ujp to be unhappy adults. Thatd the more their parents give to them, the more they demand, and the pleasure, that they get from it, is very short lived.

He said they never learn how to make themselves feel good. they never learn the good feeling that you get from a job well done, or by doing something nice for others. All of their pleasure comes from external things, and it is like a drug, the longer you take it the less pleasure you get from it.

Therefore when they become adults, they believe their happiness depends on what others do for them. so they scream and demand, but everyone just walks away and they become very unhappy people.

This describes her to a T

[BlondieGirl87]

I think everyone deserves respect, especially people who hold or once held authority in your life. I personally do not curse. Growing up my Grandmother taught me that people curse because they aren't intelligent enough to think of something better to say There are ways of making your point and having your feelings stated in a curteous manner. I work in the legal enviroment and am working on getting my doctrate in business law. Where I work, cursing is considered low class, unprofessional and unacceptable. I wouldn't dream of writing up an argument for a case to present to my firm with F-you or Shut the H-- up in it, I'd loose my job faster than I could say either one of those phrases.

I try to deal with people that I have problems with much like I would a case. I make my argument in a polite, civil way and don't feel the need to grovel to a lower level by calling people names. I find most of the time when people start calling names its an attempt to hurt the other person because they feel by "wounding" them they will put themselves in a higher position of power. I've never felt the need to use bad language to get my point across.

[JeanieK]

Originally Posted by BlondieGirl87

.

I try to deal with people that I have problems with much like I would a case. I make my argument in a polite, civil way and don't feel the need to grovel to a lower level by calling people names. I find most of the time when people start calling names its an attempt to hurt the other person because they feel by "wounding" them they will put themselves in a higher position of power. I've never felt the need to use bad language to get my point across.

See this is what I try to do when she wants to argue, She calls that "messing with her mind" or "Playing mind games" I guess because I quit letting her bait me into an argument. I try to stay calm and ask things like "why do you feel that way" etc. and she just gets angrier. That is what led her to calling me a "stupid old lady". She is 28 going on 15.

[Rae Rae]

WOW.

I don't think mothers in general diserve to be talked to or treated this way. Mom's do soo much for their children. For saying respect has to be earned, I don't know about others, but my mom "earned' my respect when she carried me, gave birth to me, helped me through all the bad times, always provided for me, etc. I know their are some deadbeat moms out their whol treat their children like crap, so no, I don't think they diserve respect. I'm very lucky to have a family that loves me and is so great to me, but I know not everyone is that lucky, so I try not to judge those situations.

As for MIL's, I have a lot of respect for my bf's mother, and if I didn't get along with his family I wouldn't be able to be with him. Family's really important to me, so if he doesn't get along w/ my mom, or vice versa, I wouldn't be with him. I wouldn't be able to date someone if their mom and I didn't get along, for whatever reasons.

[Rae Rae]

Originally Posted by ARCHIE

IMO if you raise your daughters and sons with respect for them then
they should have respect for you. Being a parent does not necessary earn you respect. There are lots of so called parents who are biological parents and do nothing in the way of raising decent children. Obviously your DIL is one of them and has no respect
for her own mother. Very sad. There is no way on earth I would allow my daughters or DIL to talk to me in such a manner. I am so sorry your son has not
put her in her place out of respect for you. He should without you even
opening your mouth. This should be such a happy time for you with
all those babies on the way. Is it at all possible that she feels jealous
of your three girls and the relationship between all of you? Any way you
can give it one more try and talk to her? I hope it gets better for you.

As far as the Baby Talk site that alone tells you what their own children
are going to end up like. If they feel that way about their own mothers
dollars to donuts their own children will follow in their footsteps.

Excellent post!

I was thinking the same thing about the baby site, wouldn't these girls want their children to respect them???

[BlondieGirl87]

Originally Posted by JeanieK

See this is what I try to do when she wants to argue, She calls that "messing with her mind" or "Playing mind games" I guess because I quit letting her bait me into an argument. I try to stay calm and ask things like "why do you feel that way" etc. and she just gets angrier. That is what led her to calling me a "stupid old lady". She is 28 going on 15.

Sounds like she just wants to fight. Perhaps that was how she was raised and that is how she is used to dealing with things Maybe you could write her a letter explaining your feelings to her. Sometimes, I find that if you write something to someone they can go back and re-read it and they can't take anything out of context or misconstru what you are saying since it is right there on paper staring them in the face. Maybe it could be a start to a better relationship for you two...I am sorry you are having to deal with this

[TammyJM]

Hi Jeanie,

First of all, I am sorry that you have had to go through this with your daughter-in-law. I would never ever ever talk to my mother-in-law or mother in such a way. However, with that said, my mother-in-law and father-in-law have very limited roles in our lives because of THEIR disrespect. I cannot possibly get into everything that they have done (down right insane and evil with a lot of their actions!!) Even with this, I would never use poor language with them....I just let my husband deal with them and I limit their involment with our children. The reason for this is because of how horrible they have been and I feel, with my children only 2 and 3.5, I have to do what is healthiest for my babies. So, I guess I can say that I live both sides of it....I would never treat my mother or step-father (in my mind, my real father) in such a way, but my inlaws do not deserve respect that they refuse to give themselves. Does this mean that I carry on and throw out disrespect myself?? No, I ignore it and I will still email them pictures of the kids and I definitely have my children call them to thank them for gifts or just to say, "Hi!". They live in Texas and we live in Missouri so this keeps problems at a minimum.

I am sorry that this is happening in your family.

Tammy

[ChestersMom]

My manager and I had a discussion yesterday that parallels this post. We are both near 50 and raised in an era when the back of mom's hand took care of any smart-mouthing. Unfortunately, we are now facing a generation of incoming workforce members who were raised by schools and day care centers that were given all the responsiblity, but none of the authority, in rearing our nation's children.

I was raised to show respect to everyone. The fact that I may be more learned or financially sound than others, does not put me above them. Today's youngsters, whose parents spoiled them beyond rotten because they felt guilty that both parents worked, have no clue about the real world. To them, society owes them the standard of living their parents worked so hard to provide, with no inclination of appreciation or respect.

Before anyone gets their feathers ruffled - this does not mean everyone. I have had the pleasure of dealing with many young people who were fortunate enough to have parents that reared them to be responsible, caring adults; however, they are not the norm.

As for this group of people who now believe their s*#t doesn't stink, their time is coming. No matter what, you still reap what you sow. Although I do not condone guilt or pity parties, they will have to live with themselves and how they treated their parents or other elders. In addition, they will rear children who treat them in the exact same way - getting in return what they deserve.

I, for one, believe it is my duty to raise my son to fear the wrath of God and his mother! Not in an abusive or debasing manner, but by demanding his respect. There may come a day when he decides to push the limits. Rest assured that his mean old mom will push right back. Just by virtue of the fact that I've been on this earth a hell of a lot longer and have just a little bit more knowledge, gives me the right to be treated with that respect, which by the way, I return in kind.

Well, now that I've given my Saturday morning soap-box sermon - tell your daughter she is very smart and very strong to stand up to these impetulent little b-----s. Tell her I said - 'YOU GO, GIRL.'

[chachi]

I would never dream of talking to My Mother in Law like your DIL did to you and My Mother in Law is a busy body medling mother in law type. You just dont do it in respect ot them and your Husband. Your Son should really speak up to her. I am sure she wouldnt like it if he spoke to her Mother that way. I am sorry you have someone like that in your life

[I Love Bailey]

Originally Posted by JeanieK

See this is what I try to do when she wants to argue, She calls that "messing with her mind" or "Playing mind games" I guess because I quit letting her bait me into an argument. I try to stay calm and ask things like "why do you feel that way" etc. and she just gets angrier. That is what led her to calling me a "stupid old lady". She is 28 going on 15.

Wow....I am so sorry for her behavior towards you! How extremely rude!
I do need to ask Where does your son stand in all this? How sad you don't get to see your grandchildren.
Unfortunately, I do not have a very close relationship with my mother ( nor does my brother) but I would never be so disrespectful to her by calling her names and swearing.
My children and my husband also treat her with respect because she is my mother.

[BamaFan121s]

I have a good relationship with my mother (now) and if she's doing something that really gets under my skin, I either :
1) tell her..."Mom, you are driving me nuts!" and she stops because she didn't realize what she was doing
2) just leave and come back later, assuming she's just in a bad mood
3) talk to my grandmother (her mom) about it and let her bring it up...she has a great way with words and can generally get my mom to understand my point of view calmly since she isn't involved, vs me trying and it coming out with anger.

My MIL on the other hand is a special case since she's crazy...no really, she is. I REALLY have to bite my tounge with her, out of respect for my husband, not her.
She's very rude and waits to make comments when he isn't there to hear him. Once she came to our house, hubby went to the bathroom and she leaned over and said, "Pop and I were talking that other night and we've noticed you're getting a little fat!" She also gave hubby's number to one of his ex's once that she ran into once and told the girl she was sure he'd LOVE to catch up with her. And let's not forget the time that she called me selfish because I didn't want to have any more children and she'd really like to have another grandchild. This was just shortly after she told hubby that I was mean and cruel to her because I wouldn't let her come into the delivery room with us.
Luckily, I rarely HAVE to say anything to her because he will, and alot nicer than I would.

[daisy mae06]

Originally Posted by JeanieK

My daughter belongs to a Baby Talk forum for pregnant women. Some of the women were telling how they tell off their mothers. Tell them to F off and Go to He** and such.

My daughter posted that she can't believe that these women actually talk to their mothers that way. She said I wouldn't dream of talking to mine that way.

They commented that it's obvious that she lets her mother walk all over her and control her. That you have to put mothers in their place or they will try to run your life. That mothers need to earn your respect that you don't just give it to them.

Obviously these women believe that all mother/daughter relationships are like this

All 5 of my daughters are very sweet, and I do not meddle in their lives. I make suggestions, they can take them or leave them. I trust that my daughters are capable of making their own decisions because I raised them to do that.

Now my DIL is disrespectful, and for the past 4 years she has been telling me what I should and should not be doing. And it has nolthing to do with raising kids. she lives in the UK. I never see her kids.

The last fight was she didn't like the way she was informed of the birth of my latest grand child and then she accused me of not having given her first kid a gift when it was born, and this escalated to her telling me she hated me, calling me a "stupid old lady" blocking all my emails and telling me I would never see my son or my grandchildren again..

The debate is. Should mothers and MILs be talked to this way or should they be respected just because they are your parents.

Never Jeanie I feel weather They raised me or they raised my DH than they need respect! YEs I have a problem once-in-awhile with the MIL but I would Never yell cuss or deny her to see her grandchild.


And for my Mom I would never disrespect her. My lil sis said a cuss word infront of her just last year when I was down for a visit. I smacked her on the head an told her to say sorry. Yes we are both grown married and have kid/kids but She is mom and needs respect

[fourdez]

I'm from the old school, my children never could and never can speak to me in a disrespectful manner I don't care how old they are or how wrong I am. If I am wrong or if I over step my bounds, which mothers can do from time to time, its ok for them to say "Mom, I didn't like this or I don't appreciate that". From there we can sit down and talk about it and if I was wrong, I can say sorry or if I feel I am not wrong, then we agree to disagree. But never, never, can they tell me to "shut up" or "mind your business", etc. I'm am 52 years old, my father is 93 years old, and I would never dream of being disrespectful to him. I guess kids learn from example, because my boys who are 31 and 27 years old treat their father and I with love and respect.

[chachi]

I am sorry again. I just read that she doesnt let you see your grandchilden. I think that is one of the cruelest things children can do to parents and parent in laws. My Husbands brothers wife does that to My Mother in Law. She is a real control freak. My Mother in Law is all the time watching their daughter when they need it. They will all get into an argument over something stupid and then My Mother in Law and Father in Law arent allowed to see Samantha. I have grown to love My Mother in Law and Father in Law. We go do things together. She is going with us to florida in October for 12 days