I'm going to LOSE it....need to vent - YorkieTalk.com Forums

Timmy · 12-14-2006, 08:27 AM

Sorry guys but I really need to vent...and need some opinions as well.

My biological father has advanced liver disease. Doctors told me about 95% of his liver is not working. We decided the best thing for him and us was admit him into a nursing home because we all work and didn't have the time to care for him 24 hrs a day. This is what my brother and I decided so he's been in this nursing home for about 4 months now. My father has been an alcoholic all his life. He was physically abusive towards my mother so my mother left him when I was about 2 yrs old (when he almost killed her). So my mother came to NJ from Puerto Rico with my 3 brothers and me. She really had a ruff time trying to make ends meet and to top it off my older brother passed away when he was 4 yrs old. When my mom came to NJ my father then disappeared and no one knew where he was at so I never knew my biological dad UNTIL he appeared about 7 yrs ago..I was already 24 yrs old. He came into our lives and as I say for nothing...he was still an alcoholic and he tried to tell me how to live my life..EXCUSE ME as I told him..I'm a grown woman with 2 kids and it was a little too late for him to come into my life and tell me how to live my life..my mother did a excellent job in raising us by herself and I really think that was the best thing she could have done for us because we all turned out to be responsible adults and very family oriented. So he would call me all the time asking for money..I used to always have to go to his house and chase the prostitutes from his freaking house because they would eat his food.

Now the problem we are having is that he is refusing his medication..the one important med his needs to survive which is the one to keep his amonia levels under control. So the doc told us since he doesn't want to take the meds then he only has about 3-6 months to live. I'm just so overwhelmed because I have everyone calling me about him so I can make decisions. I'm just so tired of everything and so sad to say I'm tired of dealing with him. I never bonded with him and never felt that father daughter connection with him...my DAD is my stepfather. I just feel like ppl look at me like I am cold hearted but this is how I feel towards him. I feel like I am obligated to be here for him since I am his daughter but I don't. My brother and I spoke about the funeral arrangments and we are not in a situation to have a funeral..I just bought a house my brother yeah he's a state detective but he's got a family to support as well...and my fathers family think we got money coming out our behinds because of property we own and vehicles we drive..excuse me we work hard for what we have. Anyway back to the funeral thing....we decided we were going to do a direct cremation and if any of his sisters wanted a viewing then they could pay for it...its not like they do anything for him now. I called his sister yesterday and left her a message on whats going on...have you think she's called me...NO! I'm sorry guys..I just noticed how long this is...but I needed to vent.

I also want to know...Am I wrong for feeling this way towards him? Should I be doing more than what I'm doing now. I don't feel that love for a father. I just want to back out of this.

red98vett · 12-14-2006, 08:36 AM

I'm so sorry you're going thru this. IF I were you I'd be there till the end - you may regret it if you dont ....and my prayers are with you.

I'm sorry - it must be so hard on you ....but reach way inside.... It sounds like he has no one else and no one should have to die alone. It doesn't take away from the person you consider your real dad at all and he may feel really bad for his past... sometimes it's best learn to forgive and let go when dealing with blood.

but I think YOU should make the easiest decision for YOU on the after part...and don't worry about what anyone says - if they want to chime in - they can also pitch in and help you thru this.

Sugar's Mom · 12-14-2006, 08:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Timmy

Sorry guys but I really need to vent...and need some opinions as well.

My biological father has advanced liver disease. Doctors told me about 95% of his liver is not working. We decided the best thing for him and us was admit him into a nursing home because we all work and didn't have the time to care for him 24 hrs a day. This is what my brother and I decided so he's been in this nursing home for about 4 months now. My father has been an alcoholic all his life. He was physically abusive towards my mother so my mother left him when I was about 2 yrs old (when he almost killed her). So my mother came to NJ from Puerto Rico with my 3 brothers and me. She really had a ruff time trying to make ends meet and to top it off my older brother passed away when he was 4 yrs old. When my mom came to NJ my father then disappeared and no one knew where he was at so I never knew my biological dad UNTIL he appeared about 7 yrs ago..I was already 24 yrs old. He came into our lives and as I say for nothing...he was still an alcoholic and he tried to tell me how to live my life..EXCUSE ME as I told him..I'm a grown woman with 2 kids and it was a little too late for him to come into my life and tell me how to live my life..my mother did a excellent job in raising us by herself and I really think that was the best thing she could have done for us because we all turned out to be responsible adults and very family oriented. So he would call me all the time asking for money..I used to always have to go to his house and chase the prostitutes from his freaking house because they would eat his food.

Now the problem we are having is that he is refusing his medication..the one important med his needs to survive which is the one to keep his amonia levels under control. So the doc told us since he doesn't want to take the meds then he only has about 3-6 months to live. I'm just so overwhelmed because I have everyone calling me about him so I can make decisions. I'm just so tired of everything and so sad to say I'm tired of dealing with him. I never bonded with him and never felt that father daughter connection with him...my DAD is my stepfather. I just feel like ppl look at me like I am cold hearted but this is how I feel towards him. I feel like I am obligated to be here for him since I am his daughter but I don't. My brother and I spoke about the funeral arrangments and we are not in a situation to have a funeral..I just bought a house my brother yeah he's a state detective but he's got a family to support as well...and my fathers family think we got money coming out our behinds because of property we own and vehicles we drive..excuse me we work hard for what we have. Anyway back to the funeral thing....we decided we were going to do a direct cremation and if any of his sisters wanted a viewing then they could pay for it...its not like they do anything for him now. I called his sister yesterday and left her a message on whats going on...have you think she's called me...NO! I'm sorry guys..I just noticed how long this is...but I needed to vent.

I also want to know...Am I wrong for feeling this way towards him? Should I be doing more than what I'm doing now. I don't feel that love for a father. I just want to back out of this.

NO you are not wrong and don't let people lay a guilt trip on you. I was given away for adoption at two weeks old. I grew up knowing my biological mother but not having anything to do with her. I have eleven brothers and sisters. Some I have met and some not. Out of all that I know, I only have one sister that is worth anything. The others asked me for money and etc. I just stopped fooling with them and have lost contact with my sister that I like. Anyway, about ten years ago, one of my half brothers decided we ought to get together. two brothers, my mother and myself are the only ones that were interested. I hadn't seen her since I was eighteen when she tried to take my baby out of my arms and said, "let me hold my grandbaby". i snatched him back and told her she had lost claim to him when she gave me away. At the meeting my brothers arranged, the paper was there and made a big thing out of it. I had agreed only because i wanted some health history since I am older now and have had some problems. All she was interested in talking about was the rough life she had led. (Whore), prostitute and lots of other stuff. i wanted nothing at all to do with her. She did tell me who my real daddy was but he died very young. Wheen she passed, no one called me. I had always intended to go to her funeral to meet the rest of my biological family. I saw it in the paper and called the funeral home and asked to speak to my brother and sister. I cried my eyes out. Not because I felt like I had lost my mother but because my brothers and sisters had lost THEIRS and I knew they were hurt and couldn't help the way they were raised. That was several years ago and I haven't spoke to any of them since but i do think about my sister a lot and might try to connect with her.

lisatodd · 12-14-2006, 08:41 AM

I don't blame you at all. he has been more of a burden than a father. cremation is good. has your father advised how he would like to be buried? i personal want to be cremated and kept above the fireplace. i think you are doing the right thing. good luck to you and i am very sorry this is happening to you.

Timmy · 12-14-2006, 08:56 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sugar's Mom

NO you are not wrong and don't let people lay a guilt trip on you. I was given away for adoption at two weeks old. I grew up knowing my biological mother but not having anything to do with her. I have eleven brothers and sisters. Some I have met and some not. Out of all that I know, I only have one sister that is worth anything. The others asked me for money and etc. I just stopped fooling with them and have lost contact with my sister that I like. Anyway, about ten years ago, one of my half brothers decided we ought to get together. two brothers, my mother and myself are the only ones that were interested. I hadn't seen her since I was eighteen when she tried to take my baby out of my arms and said, "let me hold my grandbaby". i snatched him back and told her she had lost claim to him when she gave me away. At the meeting my brothers arranged, the paper was there and made a big thing out of it. I had agreed only because i wanted some health history since I am older now and have had some problems. All she was interested in talking about was the rough life she had led. (Whore), prostitute and lots of other stuff. i wanted nothing at all to do with her. She did tell me who my real daddy was but he died very young. Wheen she passed, no one called me. I had always intended to go to her funeral to meet the rest of my biological family. I saw it in the paper and called the funeral home and asked to speak to my brother and sister. I cried my eyes out. Not because I felt like I had lost my mother but because my brothers and sisters had lost THEIRS and I knew they were hurt and couldn't help the way they were raised. That was several years ago and I haven't spoke to any of them since but i do think about my sister a lot and might try to connect with her.

This is crazy...I have so many brothers and sisters as well because he constantly cheated on my mom...I've met almost all of them except 1 or 2. Thank God they also came out to be responsible and caring ppl.

V..I know what you mean and sometimes I feel like we are the only ppl he has and my mother tells me the same thingl...go see him.. he's your dad and my stepfather tells me the same thing too but I just don't know...all the anger inside of me comes out and its not like he is caring...he's still snotty and all he wants is for me to bring him money for cigarettes and food. I do take him food everytime I go see him and I give him some money for soda and his cigarettes but like I told him why do you call my house when you need something...why can't you call me and see how I'm doing or how your grandkids are doing...and this is what he said..."FOR WHAT" All of this is so hurtful and my family does not need to be exposed to this negativity.
When he's at his last I will be there.

Timmy · 12-14-2006, 08:56 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lisatodd

I don't blame you at all. he has been more of a burden than a father. cremation is good. has your father advised how he would like to be buried? i personal want to be cremated and kept above the fireplace. i think you are doing the right thing. good luck to you and i am very sorry this is happening to you.

My father wants to be cremated....

Peters · 12-14-2006, 08:57 AM

personally if i had a "dad" like that i would've told him to take a hike when he 1st tried to come around after your grown! what kind of person abandons their kids and basically forgets they have them there's no way i could even begin to understand that! he made his decisions let him live & die with them i don't see how anyone should be responsible for a man like that besides himself! maybe i seem hateful but i have no pitty for people who are weak enough to be "addicts" they are disgusting !

Timmy · 12-14-2006, 09:59 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Peters

personally if i had a "dad" like that i would've told him to take a hike when he 1st tried to come around after your grown! what kind of person abandons their kids and basically forgets they have them there's no way i could even begin to understand that! he made his decisions let him live & die with them i don't see how anyone should be responsible for a man like that besides himself! maybe i seem hateful but i have no pitty for people who are weak enough to be "addicts" they are disgusting !

You know that is just how I feel about the whole thing. I should have been like my other brother thats lives in PR ....had nothing to do with him from day 1 but I guess my older brother and I were so excited to meet him and was trying to get to know him..we didn't know he was still like this. We started to notice this a month after he moved here (because his sisters wanted him to be closer....he stabbed a prostitute and had to go to jail...OH and had a huge article in the front paper that said "Father of a police officer charged with attempted murder" They didn't say my brothers name but the last name says it all. I felt so bad for my brother...we were all so embarrased. Then he started to talk about my mom.. that was the end of it. Ever since all this happened with just had nothing to do with him and now he is ill so we have to be the ones to sign, say yes or no. This sucks!!! Sometimes I wish they would have never found him. I didn't ask for this.

BLowry · 12-14-2006, 04:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Timmy

You know that is just how I feel about the whole thing. I should have been like my other brother thats lives in PR ....had nothing to do with him from day 1 but I guess my older brother and I were so excited to meet him and was trying to get to know him..we didn't know he was still like this. We started to notice this a month after he moved here (because his sisters wanted him to be closer....he stabbed a prostitute and had to go to jail...OH and had a huge article in the front paper that said "Father of a police officer charged with attempted murder" They didn't say my brothers name but the last name says it all. I felt so bad for my brother...we were all so embarrased. Then he started to talk about my mom.. that was the end of it. Ever since all this happened with just had nothing to do with him and now he is ill so we have to be the ones to sign, say yes or no. This sucks!!! Sometimes I wish they would have never found him. I didn't ask for this.

First I want to say that I am very sorry to hear you are going through this...especially at this time of the year...I have to agree with Villette...I too feel you will have alot of regrets if you don't stick by him...I am not saying you have to tell him you love him or you will miss him...by the sounds of it he has lived a very dangerous life and lucky to have made it this long. I am a true believer in, what is meant to be,..is meant to be..there is a reason why this is happening...God must see you as a strong person...and regardless what kind of a man he is or what he has done...he still gave you life...sometimes we have to put aside our feelings to help someone. I really wish you my best. My prayers are with you.

BLowry · 12-14-2006, 04:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Peters

personally if i had a "dad" like that i would've told him to take a hike when he 1st tried to come around after your grown! what kind of person abandons their kids and basically forgets they have them there's no way i could even begin to understand that! he made his decisions let him live & die with them i don't see how anyone should be responsible for a man like that besides himself! maybe i seem hateful but i have no pitty for people who are weak enough to be "addicts" they are disgusting !

My Mom always said...Don't judge someone unless you have walked in their shoes. I know first hand about Fathers abandoning their children...My husbands father just came back into his life after 42 yrs!! We didn't even know he was still alive...we just met him this past July...I'm sure it was more uncomfortable for him than us being he was over 10 hrs from his home...I have only been married to Eric for 7 yrs (second marriage) and have spoken to him about his father ever since I have known him...like you (say you would be) he would become very angry and didn't want to have anything to do with him....until the day his father called....what a different attitude he had about the situation then...This is his father...NOT a DAD! ANYONE can be a father....but, it takes ALOT to be a Dad!

this is just my opinion...I used to feel the same way you do...until I grew older and it actually happened in my husbands family.

Bizzymammabee · 12-14-2006, 04:11 PM

Hon,

Listen take a deep breath. You are totally justified in how you feel. He is very lucky that you have extended himself as much as you have. Do as much as you feel comfortable to do. You are not obligated to do a thing. As you said he wasn't there. I know that god would like us to look the other way and be the better person but honestly sometimes the hurt is just too deep to actually do that.

Why isn't that sister that is all about him and wanting him buried in style not taking care of things.

Honestly because someone is our biological parent doesn't mean that they are entitled to anything especially when they had nothing to do with you for so many years.

He is very blessed that you have done as much as you have. So be proud that you have done as much as you have and don't beat yourself up anymore.

Good luck in the coming days as you have to deal with whatever comes your way.

Rae Rae · 12-14-2006, 04:13 PM

I'm sorry your in this situation

I don't think your wrong for anything. You don't owe him anything, he wasn't there for you growing up, and now all of a sudden you have to take on the "childs duties"? I think that is up to each indivudual person in your situation, and no one has any right to judge you because of your decision. If his sisters want a viewing so bad, then they should pay for it themselves. Did he give you money to go to school? Was he there while you were growing up? What do those who are making you feel like the bad person think of what he did to your family?

chattiesmom · 12-14-2006, 08:05 PM

Iam so very sorry that you are in the midst of this terribly sad situation. I'll send hugs 'cause I am at a loss to provide comforting words...

Girlfriend, I think you have a good head on your shoulders and are looking at the situation from a humane and practical point of view. A sperm donor and a DAD are not necessarily one and the same. Ultimately, you must search your heart and decide what you must do and how you must handle the whole sad situation. Remember, there is always someone out there ready to jump on the band wagon and tell you how wrong you are ..so just brace yourself hold your head up high and know that your decisions were yours and yours alone to make and you made the very best decisions at the time and place you made them.

Again, I am so very sorry that you are facing this situation.... more hugs

Brookef18 · 12-14-2006, 08:38 PM

My Mom and Dad divorced when I was pretty young. (8 years old) i must have blocked a lot out because I have no memory of him ever living with us... My two sisters both remember. Weid thing is I am the middle child!

Well My dad came every Sunday for a short time then one day took off and we didn't know if he was alive or dead till I was 15! He came back into our lives for about 10 years but was more like a friend of the family to me then a Dad... I had no idea what having a Dad was like really. Then he decided to get mad at us all for not being closer to him!!! He wound up cutting us all off again! I was only too glad...All he ever did was put on the guilt trip, exspsect way too much from us, and he was all self obsorbed. When I found out he died...(Two days before Christmas) I felt very sad but not for him... for what could have been. Non of us went to the funeral but he lived across country and after writting us all off twice we didn't feel like we owed him much! Don't feel guilty, do what works for you... I really never felt guilty at all... never thought I should have done more... and wished I hadn't allowed him to come back into my life as a teen to drive me crazy for the time he was there!!!!

SnowWa · 12-15-2006, 03:45 AM

Timmy - You probably can't help but feel guilty - but you shouldn't.

I am pretty sure that I would feel exactly the same way you do - if your father had been my father.

I had wonderful parents. But nevertheless, I do believe that you don't have to even like a person just because they are your parent.

Sounds to me like you never really even knew your father - but, did know how unkind he was to your mother --and then when he showed up in your life, he didn't really endear himself to you. Rather, he asked for money and criticized you and has given you a lot to worry about.

Then there is the alcoholic problem, and his ruining his own health - and his presently refusing to take whatever medicine he is suppose to take.

You are probably right in thinking that he won't live much longer - which is not your fault at all - and I can understand your trying to figure out what to do as far as a funeral goes.

I think the least expensive thing to do -- which is totally appropriate - is to have your father cremated and then have a memorial service in your home for the family. I can't imagine how or why anyone would critize this. (This is what I have asked my children to do for me. This is what I want (it's even in my will), and any of us could afford a big old expensive funeral - but that is not what I want - and, I told them they can do whatever they want with my ashes...). Sprinkle your father's ashes somewhere that you think is beautiful.

Good luck - and I don't blame you for venting. I wouldn't worry about any relatives - just tell them your plans - and, tell them that if they want to do anything differently - they can do it.

Don't lose any sleep over this..... you sound like a nice girl and a nice family to me. I agree 100% with your thinking and with whatever you decide to do.

Carol Jean

12-14-2006, 08:27 AM	#1
Timmy Mimi & Gabby too! Donating Member Join Date: May 2006 Location: Vineland, NJ Posts: 3,208	I'm going to LOSE it....need to vent Sorry guys but I really need to vent...and need some opinions as well. My biological father has advanced liver disease. Doctors told me about 95% of his liver is not working. We decided the best thing for him and us was admit him into a nursing home because we all work and didn't have the time to care for him 24 hrs a day. This is what my brother and I decided so he's been in this nursing home for about 4 months now. My father has been an alcoholic all his life. He was physically abusive towards my mother so my mother left him when I was about 2 yrs old (when he almost killed her). So my mother came to NJ from Puerto Rico with my 3 brothers and me. She really had a ruff time trying to make ends meet and to top it off my older brother passed away when he was 4 yrs old. When my mom came to NJ my father then disappeared and no one knew where he was at so I never knew my biological dad UNTIL he appeared about 7 yrs ago..I was already 24 yrs old. He came into our lives and as I say for nothing...he was still an alcoholic and he tried to tell me how to live my life..EXCUSE ME as I told him..I'm a grown woman with 2 kids and it was a little too late for him to come into my life and tell me how to live my life..my mother did a excellent job in raising us by herself and I really think that was the best thing she could have done for us because we all turned out to be responsible adults and very family oriented. So he would call me all the time asking for money..I used to always have to go to his house and chase the prostitutes from his freaking house because they would eat his food. Now the problem we are having is that he is refusing his medication..the one important med his needs to survive which is the one to keep his amonia levels under control. So the doc told us since he doesn't want to take the meds then he only has about 3-6 months to live. I'm just so overwhelmed because I have everyone calling me about him so I can make decisions. I'm just so tired of everything and so sad to say I'm tired of dealing with him. I never bonded with him and never felt that father daughter connection with him...my DAD is my stepfather. I just feel like ppl look at me like I am cold hearted but this is how I feel towards him. I feel like I am obligated to be here for him since I am his daughter but I don't. My brother and I spoke about the funeral arrangments and we are not in a situation to have a funeral..I just bought a house my brother yeah he's a state detective but he's got a family to support as well...and my fathers family think we got money coming out our behinds because of property we own and vehicles we drive..excuse me we work hard for what we have. Anyway back to the funeral thing....we decided we were going to do a direct cremation and if any of his sisters wanted a viewing then they could pay for it...its not like they do anything for him now. I called his sister yesterday and left her a message on whats going on...have you think she's called me...NO! I'm sorry guys..I just noticed how long this is...but I needed to vent. I also want to know...Am I wrong for feeling this way towards him? Should I be doing more than what I'm doing now. I don't feel that love for a father. I just want to back out of this.

12-14-2006, 08:36 AM	#2
red98vett Yorkie Kisses are the Best! Donating Member Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: Houston TX Posts: 33,590 Blog Entries: 1	I'm so sorry you're going thru this. IF I were you I'd be there till the end - you may regret it if you dont ....and my prayers are with you. I'm sorry - it must be so hard on you ....but reach way inside.... It sounds like he has no one else and no one should have to die alone. It doesn't take away from the person you consider your real dad at all and he may feel really bad for his past... sometimes it's best learn to forgive and let go when dealing with blood. but I think YOU should make the easiest decision for YOU on the after part...and don't worry about what anyone says - if they want to chime in - they can also pitch in and help you thru this. __________________ Villette, Chanel & Cheri www.DesignsByVillette.net Custom Address Labels and Note Cards using YOUR Photos! Just Click HERE!

12-14-2006, 08:41 AM	#4
lisatodd Little Boogers Donating Member Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: virginia beach, va Posts: 4,460	I don't blame you at all. he has been more of a burden than a father. cremation is good. has your father advised how he would like to be buried? i personal want to be cremated and kept above the fireplace. i think you are doing the right thing. good luck to you and i am very sorry this is happening to you. __________________ lisa lisa and the cult jam yorkies

12-14-2006, 08:57 AM	#7
Peters YT 2000 Club Member Join Date: May 2006 Location: Alabama Posts: 2,225	personally if i had a "dad" like that i would've told him to take a hike when he 1st tried to come around after your grown! what kind of person abandons their kids and basically forgets they have them there's no way i could even begin to understand that! he made his decisions let him live & die with them i don't see how anyone should be responsible for a man like that besides himself! maybe i seem hateful but i have no pitty for people who are weak enough to be "addicts" they are disgusting ! __________________ A pet's love is true right from the start, through good times and bad, like sharing one heart.

12-14-2006, 04:11 PM	#11
Bizzymammabee Luvs Lulu Donating Member Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: Queens, NY Posts: 6,931 Blog Entries: 1	Hon, Listen take a deep breath. You are totally justified in how you feel. He is very lucky that you have extended himself as much as you have. Do as much as you feel comfortable to do. You are not obligated to do a thing. As you said he wasn't there. I know that god would like us to look the other way and be the better person but honestly sometimes the hurt is just too deep to actually do that. Why isn't that sister that is all about him and wanting him buried in style not taking care of things. Honestly because someone is our biological parent doesn't mean that they are entitled to anything especially when they had nothing to do with you for so many years. He is very blessed that you have done as much as you have. So be proud that you have done as much as you have and don't beat yourself up anymore. Good luck in the coming days as you have to deal with whatever comes your way. __________________ Lulu will always be in my heart

12-14-2006, 04:13 PM	#12
Rae Rae YT 3000 Club Member Join Date: May 2006 Location: Illinois Posts: 4,823	I'm sorry your in this situation I don't think your wrong for anything. You don't owe him anything, he wasn't there for you growing up, and now all of a sudden you have to take on the "childs duties"? I think that is up to each indivudual person in your situation, and no one has any right to judge you because of your decision. If his sisters want a viewing so bad, then they should pay for it themselves. Did he give you money to go to school? Was he there while you were growing up? What do those who are making you feel like the bad person think of what he did to your family? __________________ Owned by Rocky and Bella

12-14-2006, 08:05 PM	#13
chattiesmom Donating YT 10K Club Member Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: Alabama Posts: 17,674	Iam so very sorry that you are in the midst of this terribly sad situation. I'll send hugs 'cause I am at a loss to provide comforting words... Girlfriend, I think you have a good head on your shoulders and are looking at the situation from a humane and practical point of view. A sperm donor and a DAD are not necessarily one and the same. Ultimately, you must search your heart and decide what you must do and how you must handle the whole sad situation. Remember, there is always someone out there ready to jump on the band wagon and tell you how wrong you are ..so just brace yourself hold your head up high and know that your decisions were yours and yours alone to make and you made the very best decisions at the time and place you made them. Again, I am so very sorry that you are facing this situation.... more hugs __________________ Silk Step-In Harnesses www.foxypups.etsy.com

12-14-2006, 08:38 PM	#14
Brookef18 Donating YT 1000 Club Member Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: Cape Cod Ma Posts: 1,855	Spell check is not working...but anyway!!1 My Mom and Dad divorced when I was pretty young. (8 years old) i must have blocked a lot out because I have no memory of him ever living with us... My two sisters both remember. Weid thing is I am the middle child! Well My dad came every Sunday for a short time then one day took off and we didn't know if he was alive or dead till I was 15! He came back into our lives for about 10 years but was more like a friend of the family to me then a Dad... I had no idea what having a Dad was like really. Then he decided to get mad at us all for not being closer to him!!! He wound up cutting us all off again! I was only too glad...All he ever did was put on the guilt trip, exspsect way too much from us, and he was all self obsorbed. When I found out he died...(Two days before Christmas) I felt very sad but not for him... for what could have been. Non of us went to the funeral but he lived across country and after writting us all off twice we didn't feel like we owed him much! Don't feel guilty, do what works for you... I really never felt guilty at all... never thought I should have done more... and wished I hadn't allowed him to come back into my life as a teen to drive me crazy for the time he was there!!!! __________________ Brooke (Chewy's and Sadie's Mom) visit us on dogster dogster.com/dogs/700047

12-15-2006, 03:45 AM	#15
SnowWa YT 2000 Club Member Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: USA Posts: 2,992	Timmy - You probably can't help but feel guilty - but you shouldn't. I am pretty sure that I would feel exactly the same way you do - if your father had been my father. I had wonderful parents. But nevertheless, I do believe that you don't have to even like a person just because they are your parent. Sounds to me like you never really even knew your father - but, did know how unkind he was to your mother --and then when he showed up in your life, he didn't really endear himself to you. Rather, he asked for money and criticized you and has given you a lot to worry about. Then there is the alcoholic problem, and his ruining his own health - and his presently refusing to take whatever medicine he is suppose to take. You are probably right in thinking that he won't live much longer - which is not your fault at all - and I can understand your trying to figure out what to do as far as a funeral goes. I think the least expensive thing to do -- which is totally appropriate - is to have your father cremated and then have a memorial service in your home for the family. I can't imagine how or why anyone would critize this. (This is what I have asked my children to do for me. This is what I want (it's even in my will), and any of us could afford a big old expensive funeral - but that is not what I want - and, I told them they can do whatever they want with my ashes...). Sprinkle your father's ashes somewhere that you think is beautiful. Good luck - and I don't blame you for venting. I wouldn't worry about any relatives - just tell them your plans - and, tell them that if they want to do anything differently - they can do it. Don't lose any sleep over this..... you sound like a nice girl and a nice family to me. I agree 100% with your thinking and with whatever you decide to do. Carol Jean __________________ http://tinypic.com/ipxhmb.jpg A Yorkie is worth a thousand words.