Those with kids..ever use a reward and/or chore chart? - Page 2 - YorkieTalk.com Forums

Lissie · 02-02-2006, 08:36 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AmyZinNC

we have two boys. Jonathan will be 5 in April and Andrew will be 7 in June.

we have GOT to get things under control in this house.
Let me preface by saying my youngest is ADHD w/ Sensory Integration. So he CAN be a huge handful. His medication for the ADHD works wonders and he goes to occupational therapy for his Sensory issues. I do take all this into consideration. But let me tell you, early am before his meds are given and late afternoon until bedtime are horendous here.

my oldest has a mild form of ADD, but only takes meds for school concentration. It doesn't really affect his behaviour if he has has meds or not.

So, hubby and I are at our wits end. We are tired of the contant yelling, "go to your rooms', etc...its causing friction between us!

We have decided we need to crack down NOW, and we think we're going to start with a reward/chore chart.

Time outs do not do a thing for them. The only punishemnts that show any effect are taking away tv time and riding their bicycles and dirt bikes.

So I guess my question is, if you used this method, how did it work out for you?

I think this was more of a vent than anything, and if you've gotten this far, thanks!!

One harried momma!!

What do you mean by horendous?? What is it they're doing? too rowdy? loud?

I have an ADD son also. He's 17 tomorrow, and uses No meds. They helped him during his elem. years, but by Middle School, they had a more negative effect. They didn't mix well w/ 13 yr. old hormones. He did much better w/out meds at that age. I also didn't have him on Meds Full time. He didn't take it unless he was going to school. Evenings, weekends, summer breaks were Med-Free. The Dr. told me that ADD kids need to learn Coping skills and that its hard for them to do that if on meds full time. ..I'm not familiar with sensory issues.

It's great that you are looking for other solutions, as I've learned with ADD kids....one size doesn't fit all....or in other words, you have to keep looking/trying solutions til you find what works best for the child.

What worked for me, or didn't work....Yelling does Not work. ADD kids tend to be highly emotional & their feelings get hurt easily. They are Easily discouraged and need TONS of Positive reinforcement...Mine did better w/ More structure in his routine. It's almost like he didn't know how to handle tooo much 'free' time. He had to have Clearly set expectations, in all area's....school, chores, behavior, etc... Chore charts are great since ADD kids are usually forgetful, plus it's a chance for Positive praise when he completes a chore. I used lots of 'great job' stickers beside a completed chore on chart. When he was young, we tried to keep to a routine as much as possible...home from school...30 minutes of snack and 'down' time, then homework, chores, outside time, dinnertime, bathtime, tv time, bed....that kind of thing.

Consistant consequenses to unacceptable behavior.

I never sent him to his room when he was younger. Heck! That was a Fun place to go w/ all his toys, games, etc... I used 'Nose-it'. Which meant he had to put his nose against a wall and stand there til his time was up. Age appropriate time, a minute per year his age was. The time would start over if he talked, played, etc...He quickly learned to stand there and be quiet. It also gave him time to 'settle' down so he would listen to me when we talked about why he was in trouble and that he KNEW the consequenses of said behavior.

I would also give warnings like someone else said....When I'd see his behavior was starting to get out of hand, I'd warn him with...'Ok, thats' Strike One'...And he knew if I got to three, he'd be nosing it, or losing a priviledge.

As he got older, and Nose it, didn't really work anymore....I started taking away his favorite things. I would warn him first, using the 3 strikes, its Out warning. I would take away, favorite tv shows, his nintendo, toys, etc...I Knew I was on the right track one day when he ASKED me...'Can't you just give me a spanking instead??' LOL...

Now, I still use the 'taking away' of things.(Which doesn't happen often anymore) He's Really into pc's and x-box gaming....He can have full use of both AS LONG as his school work is completed and turned in. I've also taken away phone and tv priviledges. I guess the main thing is don't give Idle threats. If you say your taking something away, follow through.

EEK! This got longer than I intended! LOL. I hope you don't mind. Good luck finding what will work well for the boys!

Latuya · 02-02-2006, 08:53 AM

I have 3 children myself 2 girls and a boy. The boy is the middle child and he is a handful as well. I have always been fair with my kids. My kids are spoiled and I will be the first to admit it. BUT they do work for what they get. With the girls it comes so easy. Both get good grades both are very good girls. Now I know ever kid is different but my son is really really different. I know he is no all A student, but I know he is smart, yet he does poorly at school. I talk to him, ground him, but once he starts doing better, I do reward him. But he's not happy with that, so when he messes up, I take it away. I will give my kids the world but the moment they mess up it will slowly be taken away if the strainghten up.

Take my oldest daughter, she is 15 tomorrow and loves body piercing. Some would say she is too young but she has been a strainght "A" student since kinder. She is a good girl. She's a home body. What I mean by that is, she has lots and lots of friends and chooses not to go out and stay at home. She much rather have her friends come here to hang with her then going to a party. She does like going to the mall and the movies every so often but she is always here at home. So when she came to me asking about getting her belly pierced at 14 I let her. But she knew that if her grades dropped and she started slacking or messing up in anyway shape or form, that thing would be taken out faster they then she got it. Soon after she got her lip and now she has her tongue done. Some may think I'm bad mother for letting my daughter do this but, I really don't care what others may think of me. I seem to be doing a very good job with something in order for her to only be in 9th grade and already taking collage courses.

My son just looks at what I let her "get away with" as he calls it. But he does not understand that she isn't the one who's teachers are calling me every week and giving bad reports. Or she is not the one doing stupid things and getting into trouble all the time. He doesn't seem to understand that giving him many chances to start over by the little things like being able to go outside without doing something stupid, or going a week without a call from a teacher is the key to getting what he wants. We just started giving him money for chorses, but if we get a call that week we take away the money. So we are going on a month of this and he's doing better. I got his report card yesterday and although it wasnt perfect it was a big improvement. I know he can still do better, but I'm happy. So he thought it would be ok to get his lip pierced like his sister for the the better report card and didn't understand why I said no. So now we are back at,, "why does Des get what ever she wants when she wants something?!?!?!" I told him I was proud of him and it was a step but we are not even to where I know he can be to be getting what his sister gets. First of all she is almost 3 years older then him, and second I don't think it's fair that he gets what he wants for just so little. I told him that if he kept it up till he is 14 like his sister was, then we can talk. We also have an agreement,,,,, if he were to come home and an all "A" report card he will get his cell phone. But here is the catcher, he will have to keep it up. I don't mean all "A" every report, but we are in agreement of what a good report card is.

I too am always yelling at him. And I am tired of it too. He just does not know when to stop. So I too would like some advice on this matter as well. For me the rewards have seem to work, but I guess we will have to wait and see. I think he's starting to see that if mom is happy he too will be happy. And the sooner he sees that it really don't take much to do good and keep it up is not all that hard to do.

Thanks for posting this topic, I will follow it closely and see what others come up with. I hope we can both get some good advice here. Good luck to you!

mustangbee · 02-02-2006, 08:54 AM

I think a chart will work for you. Just make sure you stick with it. We have five children. Two are Pre Med in college. Three of them we adopted, and are special needs children. They are also on meds. They really had a hard life before we adopted them. When they came here, they changed so much, they thought they didn't have to do anything but play. School was not important because the teachers knew of their abuse and let them get away with anything they wanted. After getting out of Elementary School I had them tested and put in Special Ed. Now they are learning, and are finding out just how important their life is. It was really hard in the begining, as my husband could never tell them no to anything. In their minds, I could buy them anything they wanted, and I should. Not the way things go around here. If you earn it, you get it. So I started a chart, all they really have to do is pick up their messes, you would think it would be easy for them. I do remember when they first came here, my Husband asked our Son if he was happy here, he said "Yes, because I'm not a slave anymore"
Makes me wonder just what all happen to these kids.
At first it wasn't easy, until our Son had to go to the store with us because his Sister earned money. That's when it clicked for him. They had never been given any money of their own, or had clothes bought just for them from a store. They came here with nothing but old clothes that didn't fit, and a few broken toys. I threw everything out and told them lets start over, so off we went shopping. It was lots of fun, but doing it that way, made them think they would just say I want this and get it.
I watched The Nanny and I have to tell you, she has some great tips.
I did the chart, and a timeout chair. I have to be a little easy on them because of their history, but things have changed. We still have back talking, but at least our Daughter has stopped flipping me off. I really couldn't stand it, I'm sorry that is not just a habit.
Sorry I guess I went on & on. There is hope, just hang in there. If I could get past this, I'm sure anyone could. Good Luck to you.

Latuya · 02-02-2006, 09:06 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cheryl000

I have noticed with the younger kids it's easier if you help them along. Like don't just tell them to pick up their toys, but assist them in it. But if that doesn't work, or you have an older child that won't pick up his room, get the trashbag out and "throw things away." Then really put it in the garage. I did this with Dominick's train set that he wouldn't put away last week. Then you say, "Okay, you better pick up the rest of the room or the trash bag is coming." Or even say, "Remember last week when the trashbag came?" This works on my son and my nephew VERY well. Just be prepared for crying. But I don't like spanking because I was spanked as a child so I do that as a last resort.
I remember when I was young I was very bad about listening to my parents. I resented them. I believe that every kid in the family tries to find their place. Since getting good grades (I had straight A's) wasn't earning the attention that my older and younger sister were getting I choose not to listen to my parents when they told me to do chores. The only thing that really worked on my was good old fashioned praise. When I do something I have alot of pride in it and I thrive on recognition. I wouldn't clean the house if my parents where there. But if I knew my parents were going to be gone for hours, I would round my sisters up and we would clean the house and cook my parents dinner. I loved it if my parents praised me for that.
So what I'm saying is that we have to teach kids the real reason why we do chores and do have pride in it. Rewards even only go so far because then they're just doing it for the money and then they will expect it every time. Have you had a family conference to sit down and talk about everything? Encourage the kids to put everything on the table and talk about it. This is really important since it's giving you so many family problems. I would also try to read some books to get some ideas. Dr. Phil wrote a good one but I can't remember the name. Good luck and I hope this helps.

I was hit a little too much as well, but you can best believe I will test that butt if they get out of line. I started this when they were little and don't really hit them now. My son is now 12 and getting too old for spankings, and I have read different books on the matter and they have yet to work for me. They don't yell at your kids. Yeah right!!! That's the only way they know I'm not messing around. I need to get to the point without having to tell him more then once to do something and not get to the point of wanting to beat him. And I worry about the reward thing too. I don't want him to expect it all the time. I do think talking to your kids is a very good thing. And I know that with my girls I really feel they feel comfortable coming to me with anything. But my son,,,,,,, well that's a different matter. I really like the teaching of pride in the chores, again my girls get it but not my son. Is this just a boy thing????

AmyZinNC · 02-02-2006, 09:09 AM

Thanks for all the tips, success stories, advice, etc...

Alot of it is consistency..which I will sadly admit I dont always follow through with things, which they have picked up on.

Praise does work with my youngest, and he does need more of a routine.

As far as someone asking for their horrendous behaviour..that may have been an extreme choice of words..but you are at your wits end, it feels that way!

Things like jumping on the furniture from one piece to another, crashing into things, wrestling, jumping off the top bunk, spilling things....

Going to their room doesn't work either..we have implemented a quiet time chair in the dining room, by themselves...and it is a minute per their age....

I know we can nip it in the bud....just like i said, takes consistency!

Thanks again

jbarile · 02-02-2006, 09:55 AM

Well I have raised 5 children and by raising my five I have now accumulated
16 grandchildren..the Benefits of having 5 children

And I had to use a chart.. I assigned different chores that I allowed my chidren to choose what they wanted to do, everyone had to take a room for that week and the chore meant everything, example if someone chose kitchen that meant the trash came with that responsibility. after the first week, I would then write down the chores on paper ( because after doing) these chores I knew from here on out It had to be a radom drawing!

each had to pick from a basket, their new chores for that week. On the chart I put money amounts on each task that was associated with each chore. and would be totaled at the end of the week by each task that had been completed! and they would be paid the amount that it totaled + a bonus! undisclosed amount! and this sets the incentive! if they didn't complete all the tasks associated w/the chore that amount for the specific task not completed is deducted and no bonus! and that was the allowance they were paid for the week. It worked great because It encouraged them to be responsible and they were learning to earn money, some learned to save this money! and they never ever just asked for money, when one of them needed money they would ask what extra chore they could do to earn a certain amount that they needed. Of course the amount of monies paid had to be raised for the most hated chores (kitchen) & (bathroom). And as they got older I then allowed them to name the amount they thought would be a fair price and negotiated with that price. this helped with the year book issues school functions etc.. They were being prepared for the world to know in life and that they can achive anything they need by earning and being self efficient! and not to confuse their needs with "I want" I never just gave them everything they asked for! what will this teach a child? They got what they want on their Birthdays and christmas

Claire · 02-02-2006, 10:56 AM

Do the chore chart, it will help them learn how to care for themselves but be realistic with the chores. Make a list of the various chores around the house sit everyone down and draw a name out of a hat as to who picks first and so on, have everyone take turns picking a chore, mom and dad included! Then let them pick their reward for a job well done, it could be stickers worth money twords a fun purchase at the end of the month one month, it could be an outting with mom and dad to a pizza place. Change them often, keep it exciting. And also give them a chance to change their chores once and a while. You can also do extra points, where that child would earn a special reward for doing something to help out his/her siblings or mom and dad.

magnolia · 02-02-2006, 11:11 AM

My oldest (who is now 16) has ADD and Dyslexia. He was on meds until over a year ago and, as someone else stated, the meds he was on were doing more harm than good by then so he's been medication free for over a year. One of the problems of his dyslexia is retaining what he's told/heard/learned and has a hard time pulling that memory to the front. For example, I could tell him to clean his room, sweep the leaves, bag up the trash, and clean the bathroom and all he would do was clean his room - that was the first thing I said and all he remembered to do. When he and his brother were younger, I used the chart system for chores and other things as a "reminder", i.e. brush teeth before bed. On Sunday, when I created the chart for the week, we sat down and discussed their "reward" (money, particular toy they wanted, game rental, etc). At the bottom of the chart I wrote the reward they chose and how many checks/stars they had to get to earn it. For each chore they completed daily, they got a check. On Friday nights, they were totalled and reward given on Saturday. They then got the added reward of having the week-end off to enjoy their new reward. After a while, the chart became obsolete because they were so used to doing it, they just did it! Now that they are older, we do the weekly allowance for them.

Best of luck to you! Doing the chart system is great but it does take diligent effort on your part to make them do it every day. You have to make the commitment to the chart before you can expect them to do it.

Suzi

maxie4 · 02-02-2006, 11:48 AM

I got some great ideas from flylady.com. We have a chart but what i do is make cleaning a contest. We give the kids a bag and set a timer for 15 minutes and see who can fill up the bag first. It has been working very wel. We also add stars to a chart and who ever gets the most stars gets to pick something fun for the family to do on the weekend.

02-02-2006, 08:53 AM	#17
Latuya YT 3000 Club Member Join Date: Jun 2005 Location: Rialto CA Posts: 3,243	I have 3 children myself 2 girls and a boy. The boy is the middle child and he is a handful as well. I have always been fair with my kids. My kids are spoiled and I will be the first to admit it. BUT they do work for what they get. With the girls it comes so easy. Both get good grades both are very good girls. Now I know ever kid is different but my son is really really different. I know he is no all A student, but I know he is smart, yet he does poorly at school. I talk to him, ground him, but once he starts doing better, I do reward him. But he's not happy with that, so when he messes up, I take it away. I will give my kids the world but the moment they mess up it will slowly be taken away if the strainghten up. Take my oldest daughter, she is 15 tomorrow and loves body piercing. Some would say she is too young but she has been a strainght "A" student since kinder. She is a good girl. She's a home body. What I mean by that is, she has lots and lots of friends and chooses not to go out and stay at home. She much rather have her friends come here to hang with her then going to a party. She does like going to the mall and the movies every so often but she is always here at home. So when she came to me asking about getting her belly pierced at 14 I let her. But she knew that if her grades dropped and she started slacking or messing up in anyway shape or form, that thing would be taken out faster they then she got it. Soon after she got her lip and now she has her tongue done. Some may think I'm bad mother for letting my daughter do this but, I really don't care what others may think of me. I seem to be doing a very good job with something in order for her to only be in 9th grade and already taking collage courses. My son just looks at what I let her "get away with" as he calls it. But he does not understand that she isn't the one who's teachers are calling me every week and giving bad reports. Or she is not the one doing stupid things and getting into trouble all the time. He doesn't seem to understand that giving him many chances to start over by the little things like being able to go outside without doing something stupid, or going a week without a call from a teacher is the key to getting what he wants. We just started giving him money for chorses, but if we get a call that week we take away the money. So we are going on a month of this and he's doing better. I got his report card yesterday and although it wasnt perfect it was a big improvement. I know he can still do better, but I'm happy. So he thought it would be ok to get his lip pierced like his sister for the the better report card and didn't understand why I said no. So now we are back at,, "why does Des get what ever she wants when she wants something?!?!?!" I told him I was proud of him and it was a step but we are not even to where I know he can be to be getting what his sister gets. First of all she is almost 3 years older then him, and second I don't think it's fair that he gets what he wants for just so little. I told him that if he kept it up till he is 14 like his sister was, then we can talk. We also have an agreement,,,,, if he were to come home and an all "A" report card he will get his cell phone. But here is the catcher, he will have to keep it up. I don't mean all "A" every report, but we are in agreement of what a good report card is. I too am always yelling at him. And I am tired of it too. He just does not know when to stop. So I too would like some advice on this matter as well. For me the rewards have seem to work, but I guess we will have to wait and see. I think he's starting to see that if mom is happy he too will be happy. And the sooner he sees that it really don't take much to do good and keep it up is not all that hard to do. Thanks for posting this topic, I will follow it closely and see what others come up with. I hope we can both get some good advice here. Good luck to you! __________________ Monica, Proud mom of Gus who is forever missed! And new mom to Leiloni Gus's Dogster page

02-02-2006, 08:54 AM	#18
mustangbee Donating YT 9000 Club Member Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: North Carolina :) Posts: 10,616	I think a chart will work for you. Just make sure you stick with it. We have five children. Two are Pre Med in college. Three of them we adopted, and are special needs children. They are also on meds. They really had a hard life before we adopted them. When they came here, they changed so much, they thought they didn't have to do anything but play. School was not important because the teachers knew of their abuse and let them get away with anything they wanted. After getting out of Elementary School I had them tested and put in Special Ed. Now they are learning, and are finding out just how important their life is. It was really hard in the begining, as my husband could never tell them no to anything. In their minds, I could buy them anything they wanted, and I should. Not the way things go around here. If you earn it, you get it. So I started a chart, all they really have to do is pick up their messes, you would think it would be easy for them. I do remember when they first came here, my Husband asked our Son if he was happy here, he said "Yes, because I'm not a slave anymore" Makes me wonder just what all happen to these kids. At first it wasn't easy, until our Son had to go to the store with us because his Sister earned money. That's when it clicked for him. They had never been given any money of their own, or had clothes bought just for them from a store. They came here with nothing but old clothes that didn't fit, and a few broken toys. I threw everything out and told them lets start over, so off we went shopping. It was lots of fun, but doing it that way, made them think they would just say I want this and get it. I watched The Nanny and I have to tell you, she has some great tips. I did the chart, and a timeout chair. I have to be a little easy on them because of their history, but things have changed. We still have back talking, but at least our Daughter has stopped flipping me off. I really couldn't stand it, I'm sorry that is not just a habit. Sorry I guess I went on & on. There is hope, just hang in there. If I could get past this, I'm sure anyone could. Good Luck to you. __________________ Friends are God's way of apologizing for our relatives. "Love & Support Our YT Members" Gina & Princess Member of the SSLS

02-02-2006, 09:09 AM	#20
AmyZinNC Lazy Daisy's Mama Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: North of Raleigh, NC Posts: 801	Thanks for all the tips, success stories, advice, etc... Alot of it is consistency..which I will sadly admit I dont always follow through with things, which they have picked up on. Praise does work with my youngest, and he does need more of a routine. As far as someone asking for their horrendous behaviour..that may have been an extreme choice of words..but you are at your wits end, it feels that way! Things like jumping on the furniture from one piece to another, crashing into things, wrestling, jumping off the top bunk, spilling things.... Going to their room doesn't work either..we have implemented a quiet time chair in the dining room, by themselves...and it is a minute per their age.... I know we can nip it in the bud....just like i said, takes consistency! Thanks again __________________ Kisses from Lazy Daisy & Amy

02-02-2006, 10:56 AM	#22
Claire YT Addict Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Louisiana Posts: 484	Do the chore chart, it will help them learn how to care for themselves but be realistic with the chores. Make a list of the various chores around the house sit everyone down and draw a name out of a hat as to who picks first and so on, have everyone take turns picking a chore, mom and dad included! Then let them pick their reward for a job well done, it could be stickers worth money twords a fun purchase at the end of the month one month, it could be an outting with mom and dad to a pizza place. Change them often, keep it exciting. And also give them a chance to change their chores once and a while. You can also do extra points, where that child would earn a special reward for doing something to help out his/her siblings or mom and dad. __________________

02-02-2006, 11:11 AM	#23
magnolia YT 1000 Club Member Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: Mississippi Posts: 1,459	I have used a chart. My oldest (who is now 16) has ADD and Dyslexia. He was on meds until over a year ago and, as someone else stated, the meds he was on were doing more harm than good by then so he's been medication free for over a year. One of the problems of his dyslexia is retaining what he's told/heard/learned and has a hard time pulling that memory to the front. For example, I could tell him to clean his room, sweep the leaves, bag up the trash, and clean the bathroom and all he would do was clean his room - that was the first thing I said and all he remembered to do. When he and his brother were younger, I used the chart system for chores and other things as a "reminder", i.e. brush teeth before bed. On Sunday, when I created the chart for the week, we sat down and discussed their "reward" (money, particular toy they wanted, game rental, etc). At the bottom of the chart I wrote the reward they chose and how many checks/stars they had to get to earn it. For each chore they completed daily, they got a check. On Friday nights, they were totalled and reward given on Saturday. They then got the added reward of having the week-end off to enjoy their new reward. After a while, the chart became obsolete because they were so used to doing it, they just did it! Now that they are older, we do the weekly allowance for them. Best of luck to you! Doing the chart system is great but it does take diligent effort on your part to make them do it every day. You have to make the commitment to the chart before you can expect them to do it. Suzi

02-02-2006, 09:55 AM	#21
jbarile Tilly & Sami Donating Member Join Date: Feb 2005 Location: Syracuse, Utah Posts: 1,133	Well I have raised 5 children and by raising my five I have now accumulated 16 grandchildren..the Benefits of having 5 children And I had to use a chart.. I assigned different chores that I allowed my chidren to choose what they wanted to do, everyone had to take a room for that week and the chore meant everything, example if someone chose kitchen that meant the trash came with that responsibility. after the first week, I would then write down the chores on paper ( because after doing) these chores I knew from here on out It had to be a radom drawing! each had to pick from a basket, their new chores for that week. On the chart I put money amounts on each task that was associated with each chore. and would be totaled at the end of the week by each task that had been completed! and they would be paid the amount that it totaled + a bonus! undisclosed amount! and this sets the incentive! if they didn't complete all the tasks associated w/the chore that amount for the specific task not completed is deducted and no bonus! and that was the allowance they were paid for the week. It worked great because It encouraged them to be responsible and they were learning to earn money, some learned to save this money! and they never ever just asked for money, when one of them needed money they would ask what extra chore they could do to earn a certain amount that they needed. Of course the amount of monies paid had to be raised for the most hated chores (kitchen) & (bathroom). And as they got older I then allowed them to name the amount they thought would be a fair price and negotiated with that price. this helped with the year book issues school functions etc.. They were being prepared for the world to know in life and that they can achive anything they need by earning and being self efficient! and not to confuse their needs with "I want" I never just gave them everything they asked for! what will this teach a child? They got what they want on their Birthdays and christmas

02-02-2006, 11:48 AM	#24
maxie4 Yorkie Yakker Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: il Posts: 41	I got some great ideas from flylady.com. We have a chart but what i do is make cleaning a contest. We give the kids a bag and set a timer for 15 minutes and see who can fill up the bag first. It has been working very wel. We also add stars to a chart and who ever gets the most stars gets to pick something fun for the family to do on the weekend.