I'm going to scream!!! I need advice

[ladyjane]

Originally Posted by Deb1

Just for your information.....this guy she is involved with is a control freak which means, he will eventually become abusive....verbally, emotionally and physically. I know the type from experience. He already has her feeling sorry for him and his "illness" and reasons for not working. He is an alcoholic if he has 2 DWI's and lost his license. Creates reasons to not work and support himself. He is trying to control her going to Africa because he knows that she may find someone or something that makes her happy.

I will pray that she makes the right decision and goes to Africa!

Took the words out of my mouth. Huge red flags are waving!

Michele, I feel for you...it is so hard because things you resist do persist. If you really come down on this, it will make her want it more.

There are some things you can try.

It would be wonderful if you could get her to an Alanon meeting...maybe just say in a matter of fact way that her b/f clearly has some issues with his drinking and while she may not see that as a problem, she should at the very least learn something about it. (she would get an earful at a meeting if you could get her there)

Something else....ask her to take a piece of paper out and make two columns and write down how this relationship is affecting her...one side pros the other side cons. Suggest it in a non threatening way...just matter of fact and tell her you don't want to see it...you are merely suggesting it as food for thought.

And...ask her if it were her best friend in this relationship, would she encourage it.

Lastly, pray for her. I believe in the power of prayer. I am sure you are probably already doing that. I will definitely keep her and you in mine.

[McheleM]

I thought about pointing it out in a different way.

I'm her best friend and I approach her and want her to go on a blind date with my friend. He's a really nice guy! He's 30ish, but he doesn't work, because he's still in college. Oh and he doesn't have a car, because he's kinda in some trouble, in fact, he doesn't even have a license- so you'll have to go pick him up and drive. Oh and he *may* be going to prison for 4 years because of this trouble.
Oh and if this works out, you'll have to give up your friends and family to move to Arizona, because he's sort of stuck there for insurance purposes.

No way in heck would anyone date someone when approached that way.... And that's him, in a nutshell.

[ladyjane]

Originally Posted by McheleM

I thought about pointing it out in a different way.

I'm her best friend and I approach her and want her to go on a blind date with my friend. He's a really nice guy! He's 30ish, but he doesn't work, because he's still in college. Oh and he doesn't have a car, because he's kinda in some trouble, in fact, he doesn't even have a license- so you'll have to go pick him up and drive. Oh and he *may* be going to prison for 4 years because of this trouble.
Oh and if this works out, you'll have to give up your friends and family to move to Arizona, because he's sort of stuck there for insurance purposes.

No way in heck would anyone date someone when approached that way.... And that's him, in a nutshell.

Yes, that is a good one.

[yorkietalkjilly]

Any guy this controlling now when they are not living together and has a woman doing this much for him now would make her life miserable if they ever did live together or marry and certainly as he gets older, more dependent on her, he'll get even worse at all the things he's doing at a relatively young age. She sounds like she's a codependent in every way and the sooner she can leave this guy in her rearview mirror, the better. If the service has any counselor or psychological counseling, I'd encourage her to get it in the guise of trying to help her decide about her future deployment vs. staying here. Maybe a counselor could help her to see what he really is - a guy in trouble who will just give her misery.

[JuliannaB]

I sure feel for you and your daughter!!! It is so hard being a parent now that I'm one, and I know that I had put myself in situations that were not in my best interest years ago. It must be hard for your daughter to have such an overpowering bf over her head and on her shoulder with every step she takes. It certainly isn't healthy for her. Some mistaken this for love What a shame! For me I just had to get away to see the light. I'm sure that you already do this, but please love your daughter a lot, with hopefully time spent with her if possible, in between her jobs and what ever you have on your plate. Perhaps a movie or playing a simple card game? These sound like useless things to do but I feel that those times are sooo important and time spent is remembered more than most gifts! Just a thought - how about a pros and cons list for her to do on what life can bring and what life is like with bf already? Seems simple I know, but perhaps she might read between the lines on this list??? You and your daughter are in my thoughts BIG time and hope for a miracle here; that she sees the light!!

[impish]

I'm not there yet with a daughter who is still in grade school but I feel for you. Is it possible to say:

I love you and support you in whatever you decide but I want the best for you and as your mother need to tell you

I think you deserve a better partner.

I think you are being held back and not supported like you should be.

etc. etc.

?

Only you know how she will receive the info but it would be hard for me to not say something! Good luck.

[JuliannaB]

Originally Posted by McheleM

I thought about pointing it out in a different way.

I'm her best friend and I approach her and want her to go on a blind date with my friend. He's a really nice guy! He's 30ish, but he doesn't work, because he's still in college. Oh and he doesn't have a car, because he's kinda in some trouble, in fact, he doesn't even have a license- so you'll have to go pick him up and drive. Oh and he *may* be going to prison for 4 years because of this trouble.
Oh and if this works out, you'll have to give up your friends and family to move to Arizona, because he's sort of stuck there for insurance purposes.

No way in heck would anyone date someone when approached that way.... And that's him, in a nutshell.

I just wanted to add that when I originally read this idea, I thought to myself 'why would anyone suggest this guy?', then I reread it and understood What a great idea to do this! Having said that, she may understand the picture and move on, or she may be on to what you are saying and shut down Too bad if this were to happen because you are only doing this out of a great love/respect for your her and how you know that she deserves someone who is worth her time. Boy I sure hope that she 'smells the coffee'!!!! We've all made our mistakes along this road called life, but being a parent, and watching your loved one travel down a road, that seemingly isn't in their best interest, is difficult and bumpy one. And I thought being a child was hard! Please keep us posted, and I truly hope that one day you will be on the road to drop her off at the airport... to a new beginning. All the best

[celstu1]

I wish I had suggestions... just a similar situation with stepson. 19, was going to go to the military, then got a gf.... he didn't go, and he floated around doing nothing much for a year because he didn't want to leave her. Of course, she cheated on him, he on her, and they split up finally just last week.... suddenly things are getting more clear to him. Pray they break up is all I can say! Ignorant kids! haha I was one until I was 28, let my bf of 10 years hold me back.... then we broke up for good... and my eyes opened and I got my own place, got my degree, and moved on to bigger & better! Some need to learn the HARD way. (((HUGS))) to you! You are going to need it!

[margaritaville]

She will be passing up the opportunity of a life time by passing up Africa. I lived in northern Africa for two years when my husband was in the service. It was safe even though there was some trouble and talk of evacuating us.
It totally change my views on life and what is important. Seeing life in a third world country lead me back to nursing and when the earthquake hit Haiti and hurricane Sandy hit here I volunteered
This guy is afraid she will get to see a different side of life and possibly find someone else when she is away from his control. He is selfish and only thinking of himself. I vote- dump him

[yorkiemini]

I often ask my patients who are in similar situations that you depict, to read
DITCH THAT JERK by Pamela Jayne.
You might want to read it to help you present this guy in a different light.
You can probably get it at the library if you don't want to purchase it.
It really shows women how to assess their partners and relationships for potential abuse. It is easy to read - not weighed down with research and such.

Best wishes to you and your daughter!

[Maximo]

I'm sorry Michele, and I can imagine how incredibly frustrating this is. Praying your daughter will see the light.

[McheleM]

Originally Posted by yorkiemini

I often ask my patients who are in similar situations that you depict, to read
DITCH THAT JERK by Pamela Jayne.
You might want to read it to help you present this guy in a different light.
You can probably get it at the library if you don't want to purchase it.
It really shows women how to assess their partners and relationships for potential abuse. It is easy to read - not weighed down with research and such.

Best wishes to you and your daughter!

Thank you! I will look I to this book.
She and I are having some time together Saturday evening to go to a haunted house, so I think I will sit her down and just say "I need to tell you this, and you'll he hurt and mad after I do, but I feel like you need to know how I, and the rest of the family, see this".

[ladyjane]

Originally Posted by McheleM

Thank you! I will look I to this book.
She and I are having some time together Saturday evening to go to a haunted house, so I think I will sit her down and just say "I need to tell you this, and you'll he hurt and mad after I do, but I feel like you need to know how I, and the rest of the family, see this".

Good idea.....plant the seed. While she may resist, she will have heard what you said and it will not leave her head.

[LDandPasquale]

Have you ever thought of seeing a counselor with her?? The way you described her ex-husband and now this boyfriend, it seems like she picks relationships where she's being manipulated. I feel like even if she does end up dumping this guy , she'll probably pick another guy that treats her the same. The pattern will continue if she doesn't realize its happening and get a handle on it. I hate to see young girls throw their life away for someone who doesnt appreciate them.

[lynzy420]

Yeah my daughter is soooooo....much like yours....did I mention she has GONE BACK to TURKEY????? Eh, I can't even help you here, we have to sit back, keep being the good example, don't preach and hope to God they figure it out soon....