looking for opinions ---Kids are a pain in the *ss :)

[J_is_my_initial]

My dd was 18 when she decided she wanted to live with a guy. It was either try and help them out by letting them live with us or having her go live with his family and not being as close by. She is our only child. They were planning to get married even though they were young. They had run of the mobile home, but had their own room of course. They knew from the start, it was to help them out, but we had rules. They did get married and finally we bought a new double wide mobile home and left our single wide to them which they were making payments on.
I say if he can not abide by your rules, or even if it is a case of you have had enough, evict him. But be prepared for your dd to probly leave too.

As for them staying together forever at their age, it may not have been that way for our dd, but dh and i married at 18 and this dec will be 30 years. so it can happen.

[yorkietalkjilly]

Throughout the centuries deep love has been found in very young couples and many a girl has found her lifelong true love at the age of 17 and younger, and even the seemingly unworthiest scoundrel of a young man can mature and change into a knight. Young marriage can last forever and beyond. Unfortunately though, it doesn't seem to work like that these days in so many cases of very young love. Society, attitudes, mores and young people themselves have changed in many ways. If I were my daughter, I would do what I could to keep a loving but parental relationship open with her and her young man, as I ran my home and property according to my rules of family and let the young folk adapt and grow or leave, should they chose to continue to make life under my roof intolerable. But if a parting of the ways came, I would stay loving and kind and let them know the door home was always open. With boundaries of a certain expected behavior set, the two kids can make their own life choices as they have already begun doing when they decided to become a couple so young. I truly hope these young people will accept the parents' kindness and generosity in the spirit it was offered and be guided by their years of wisdom and love.

[McheleM]

Originally Posted by yorkietalkjilly

Throughout the centuries deep love has been found in very young couples and many a girl has found her lifelong true love at the age of 17 and younger, and even the seemingly unworthiest scoundrel of a young man can mature and change into a knight. Young marriage can last forever and beyond..

I agree. 50 years ago, kids got married at 14, 15, 16 years of age. My grandparents got married when she was 16 and he was 18. When he passed away, they had been married 66 years.

[yorkietalkjilly]

Originally Posted by McheleM

I agree. 50 years ago, kids got married at 14, 15, 16 years of age. My grandparents got married when she was 16 and he was 18. When he passed away, they had been married 66 years.

Would that we could go back to those times in matters of the heart. Love and marriage seemed really special and to be cherished and held onto fiercely in "the old days"! My sister was married nearly 53 years when her husband died. My parents married when mother was only 18 but Daddy died at age 68 - she never would look at another man. Of all my aunts and uncles on both sides, only one divorced - all the rest stayed together as did, of course, both sets of grandparents.

I have a neighbor now that is 40-something and on her third marriage with kids from each husband and that is pretty typical in half our neighborhood. Today, people get married for 7 - 9 years and call it a long marriage and move on! I liked it better when couples had to stay together through the tough times as there was just no other way to make a go of it. Men wouldn't leave their wives as they knew she had no way to support herself or the kids and the women wouldn't leave for the same reason - that was just one of the reason society and mores of the times helped hold a rocky marriage together. There were plenty others that kept them from visiting the attorney. And then when they aged some, they were friends and found they really still loved each other and were so grateful to have their marriage intact to see them through old age as a couple. And the other marriages that didn't get really, really rocky had couples that just always stayed in love.

[Tina21]

Originally Posted by MikaTallulah

Just read all the posts. It seems like a family meeting with you, DH, DD,and her BF is in order. That way you can all say what is and is not expected from on another. I would put the house rules in writing and everyone needs to abide by them. Specifically spell out what is expected. If he has said you are more a mom to him than his own mom he would be more respectful of you and your stuff than he is. They same goes for your daughter- She knows you probably blame yourself for her illness and is using this against you.

If her therapist thinks this living arrangement if best than maybe the family meeting should take place at their office . Let them see what you are going through

He always was respectful I even once overheard him say to another kid this is Tinas house if she says jump you ask how high lol. I believe what is happening is he has assumed an equality that doesnt exsist. He has perceived the money they give us to constitute rent with all of the rights attached. He needs a reality check. As far as my DD's illness she has never blamed me. She said that if life outside of home was half as good as at home she would be the healthiest kid on the planet. She has done nothing but thank me and even said that if it were not for me she would never have survived. We are very close. This situtation took us by surprise. It has only been the past couple of weeks that we have been having any trouble.

Her therapist is great and yes has expected so much of me he has admitted too much. I quit a job I loved and spent every minute of every day monitoring her for almost 2 years when she was ill. The financial and emotional costs were high but much to the medical communities surprise she not only survived but now has a job and is doing well. So yep we really are going through it but when I chose to become a mom I made a promise to put the needs of my girls ahead of mine and I may be one exhausted stressed out mom but I am thankful that she is recovering.

Thanks for responding and taking the time to offer your advice I am so grateful to you and everyone else

[hnybun128]

Originally Posted by Tina21

Sadly here in Ontario a kid can move out when they are 16. We were left with two choices see her living with him with no money for food which would cause insane stress or allow them to live here. She has mental health problems and after discussing this with her therapist He said letting them stay here and give her the ability to learn how to manage budgeting ect would be the best option. Trust me when I tell you that I never in my wildest dreams imagined I would be here. Her illness is very serious and we almost lost her twice. When you have a child with a mental illness you learn that keeping her alive trumps your own morality issues.

I hope this clarifies your impression of the situation and perhaps prior to assuming bad parenting you would take the time to inquire and not pass judgement in ignorance.

I think if your daughter wants to live like an adult, she needs to act like an adult and support herself. I cannot imagine how the therapist actually envisioned her continuing to live at home was going to teach her to manage budgeting. As long as she stays at home, she stays a child and they both will continue to disrespect you and take advantage of you.

I'm sorry she has a mental illness. I do know from personal experience how this complicates things. I also think you know deep down this isn't going to work out.

[Tina21]

Originally Posted by dawn27

I would also suggest showing them the cost of living expenses from before he moved in to give him a better idea of what the money is being used for.



I totally agree! Also make it very clear to them that the money if for expenses not rent.

I read your last thread and wrote an entire peply to post, but than I deleted it. Who am I to give advise on something I know noting about. BUt now I feel I need to put my two cents worth in and hope that it will help in some small way.

I really hate to say this because you sound like a wonderful women and mother and I know how much trouble you are having with your kids recently. That being said...I think that by you allowing them , your minor child and her boyfriend to live together and have their own living room, bedroom and bathroom separate from the family that you have to take a great deal of the responsible for the problems that you are having right now. You sort of created the problem and now are overwhelmed and feelling disrespected. And you should be !! Its a lot for a mother to handle, wondering if you've done the right thing.

Locks on the doors, are you kidding me! That is just ridiculous. I'd take them damn locks off the door the first chance you get as shove them where the moon don't shine. A simple knock before you enter their rooms should be good enough. It's YOUR home NOT theirs!

Your daughter nor you should ever allow anyone disrespect you or your husband in your own home. And if shes doing the disrespect than maybe a BIG dose of reality would help her reconsider how she and her fb choose to treat you and your DH.

Maybe they both need some good ol' home schooling, on respect and how to treat an adult. Along with some responsibly and not allow yourself to be walks all over by either of them. They could benefit from a dose of reality and possible some tuff love. Someone needs to put them both in their place before things get too out of hand.

I think that he needs to be in his own bedroom. He is a guest in your home and as such should respect your home and your daughter while living there. I agree that they should have access to the other living area but not behind close doors. You should have access to all of the room in your home and they should be expected to gather in either of the living quarters as any extended family would.

I would take the door off the hinges of the separate living area.
Than I would take the locks off of the other bedroom door. If they dont like it than that door would go too.

That would defiantly solve the lock on the door problem. There is absolutely no reason why they need their own living quarters. It like they are putting up Boarders in your home. Keeping separate from the rest of the family just seems wrong. It seems a bit controlling to me! which is never a good situation and should be put to a Stop asap..

Did I miss the part where he had a job? If not, Give him a time limit to get a job and if not he would have to got out. I think he may be using your daughter as a crutch of sorts. Because he knows that if he goes so will she. And due to her condition you would never put her out. He probably feel like he don't have to work and why should he when he has someone else who will pay his way.

I would also try to have schedule dinner time where the whole family, fb and all sit at the table and have a nice family meal together. It may help him feel more accepted and wanted. You should not stop acting and doing family like things just because someone come into the family disrupts everything and doesn't want to follow the rules. Family comes first and formost ...

Plus its Your home , your Rules ! And if he want to continue living in your home he and she both must follow those rules.

I understand your opinion and thoughts. When we offered our home it was with the provision that by the time my DD turns 18 he must either be in school or working fulltime. We have made it VERY clear that if he has failed to do either they will need to make other living arrangements. Our home is not a place to live cheap its a place to learn life skills and to work towards independance and building a life of their own. I also will add that when she turns 18 she has a fairly large amount of money held in trust so even if it would break my heart to see her waste it she will have enough money to provide for them for at least a while. If she does move and does blow all her cash she can come home no problem but not with an unemployed bf in tow. We love her and care about him but support can become enabling very quickly.

She was determined to move out with him and as her parents we knew that would be a disaster and the stress could cause a relapse. Here in Ontario we have no power to prevent her from leaving as a child can leave at 16 without our permission. They had found someone to share with but the cost would have left them without enough money to simply survive. They were fully prepared to move there. Also it was in a really bad part of town. So although we did create the situation the motivation was to protect our DD as the medical power of attorney I held ended when she turned 17 even tho she is still not fully capable of making good choices.

Parenting is hard enough let alone having to factor in all of these issues

As her parents we both feel strongly that we have to give her a chance to grow and mature before she makes the leap into adulthood. Of course the chance we offer is time limited and not without strings. We only hope that they dont abuse our kindness and lose the opportunity we have given them. His own mother didnt care enough to give him time to become a man and instead abandoned a boy. We stepped in a offered him a hand up.


I am praying that this will be worth it someday looking back, for now I will be sitting them down and talking to them. They both need to hear what this arrangement is and is not and what is expected of them and what they can expect from us in return.

[Tina21]

Originally Posted by hnybun128

I think if your daughter wants to live like an adult, she needs to act like an adult and support herself. I cannot imagine how the therapist actually envisioned her continuing to live at home was going to teach her to manage budgeting. As long as she stays at home, she stays a child and they both will continue to disrespect you and take advantage of you.

I'm sorry she has a mental illness. I do know from personal experience how this complicates things. I also think you know deep down this isn't going to work out.

Her therapist didnt say that having her continue to live at home would teach her to budget. He said that her living on her own without the means to provide for herself would create stress great enough to cause a relapse which in the case of someone with an eating disorder could be deadly. Her body is still quite weak from the years of battling it the first time. Teaching budgeting ect is something that I have opted to do while she is living here. Giving her those skills may help to prevent high amounts of stress thereby preventing a relapse

[McheleM]

I'm sorry, I'm just going to be blunt. I am not trying to be rude or snarky, but this is how I see it:

You came here and asked for help. People gave you their advice and opinions, and all I have seen is you responding to those opinions with excuses. You're explaining why things are the way they are, because she's sick or he used to be respectable, or she can move out and spend her trust money, etc. Bottom line is you allowed this situation, therefore you are responsible for it. You basically have 2 choices, you can do 1. Nothing or 2. Something. You have been given excellent advice. Please use some of it. making excuses and trying to explain it away isn't doing anything positive or productive. In my honest opinion, when I see people make excuses, I automatically think, they don't want the situation to really change. I hope that's not the case with you.

Exactly what life skills are they learning by paying 200.00 a month rent that's not really rent, living together under your roof, eating the meals you cook and basically doing nothing, while you clean and take care of them???