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Originally Posted by dawn27  I would also suggest showing them the cost of living expenses from before he moved in to give him a better idea of what the money is being used for.
I totally agree! Also make it very clear to them that the money if for expenses not rent.
I read your last thread and wrote an entire peply to post, but than I deleted it. Who am I to give advise on something I know noting about. BUt now I feel I need to put my two cents worth in and hope that it will help in some small way.
I really hate to say this because you sound like a wonderful women and mother and I know how much trouble you are having with your kids recently. That being said...I think that by you allowing them , your minor child and her boyfriend to live together and have their own living room, bedroom and bathroom separate from the family that you have to take a great deal of the responsible for the problems that you are having right now. You sort of created the problem and now are overwhelmed and feelling disrespected. And you should be !! Its a lot for a mother to handle, wondering if you've done the right thing.
Locks on the doors, are you kidding me! That is just ridiculous. I'd take them damn locks off the door the first chance you get as shove them where the moon don't shine. A simple knock before you enter their rooms should be good enough. It's YOUR home NOT theirs!
Your daughter nor you should ever allow anyone disrespect you or your husband in your own home. And if shes doing the disrespect than maybe a BIG dose of reality would help her reconsider how she and her fb choose to treat you and your DH.
Maybe they both need some good ol' home schooling, on respect and how to treat an adult. Along with some responsibly and not allow yourself to be walks all over by either of them. They could benefit from a dose of reality and possible some tuff love. Someone needs to put them both in their place before things get too out of hand.
I think that he needs to be in his own bedroom. He is a guest in your home and as such should respect your home and your daughter while living there. I agree that they should have access to the other living area but not behind close doors. You should have access to all of the room in your home and they should be expected to gather in either of the living quarters as any extended family would.
I would take the door off the hinges of the separate living area.
Than I would take the locks off of the other bedroom door. If they dont like it than that door would go too.
That would defiantly solve the lock on the door problem. There is absolutely no reason why they need their own living quarters. It like they are putting up Boarders in your home. Keeping separate from the rest of the family just seems wrong. It seems a bit controlling to me! which is never a good situation and should be put to a Stop asap..
Did I miss the part where he had a job? If not, Give him a time limit to get a job and if not he would have to got out. I think he may be using your daughter as a crutch of sorts. Because he knows that if he goes so will she. And due to her condition you would never put her out. He probably feel like he don't have to work and why should he when he has someone else who will pay his way.
I would also try to have schedule dinner time where the whole family, fb and all sit at the table and have a nice family meal together. It may help him feel more accepted and wanted. You should not stop acting and doing family like things just because someone come into the family disrupts everything and doesn't want to follow the rules. Family comes first and formost ...
Plus its Your home , your Rules ! And if he want to continue living in your home he and she both must follow those rules. |
I understand your opinion and thoughts. When we offered our home it was with the provision that by the time my DD turns 18 he must either be in school or working fulltime. We have made it VERY clear that if he has failed to do either they will need to make other living arrangements. Our home is not a place to live cheap its a place to learn life skills and to work towards independance and building a life of their own. I also will add that when she turns 18 she has a fairly large amount of money held in trust so even if it would break my heart to see her waste it she will have enough money to provide for them for at least a while. If she does move and does blow all her cash she can come home no problem but not with an unemployed bf in tow. We love her and care about him but support can become enabling very quickly.
She was determined to move out with him and as her parents we knew that would be a disaster and the stress could cause a relapse. Here in Ontario we have no power to prevent her from leaving as a child can leave at 16 without our permission. They had found someone to share with but the cost would have left them without enough money to simply survive. They were fully prepared to move there. Also it was in a really bad part of town. So although we did create the situation the motivation was to protect our DD as the medical power of attorney I held ended when she turned 17 even tho she is still not fully capable of making good choices.
Parenting is hard enough let alone having to factor in all of these issues
As her parents we both feel strongly that we have to give her a chance to grow and mature before she makes the leap into adulthood. Of course the chance we offer is time limited and not without strings. We only hope that they dont abuse our kindness and lose the opportunity we have given them. His own mother didnt care enough to give him time to become a man and instead abandoned a boy. We stepped in a offered him a hand up.
I am praying that this will be worth it someday looking back, for now I will be sitting them down and talking to them. They both need to hear what this arrangement is and is not and what is expected of them and what they can expect from us in return.