looking for opinions ---Kids are a pain in the *ss :) My daughters bf's mother gave him one month to find a place to live as she was moving back in with her husband and he said her son couldn't come too. He just turned 18 and wasn't able to find a place and my 17 year old daughter was going to move with him. They didnt have the money to support themselves and they also didnt have the life skills. So my DH offered to allow him to live here with us. We gave them a choice either pay 400 per month which would include everything or pay 200 and pay for their own food. They chose option #2. We put a fridge in the garage for them, gave them a room to serve as a living room and their own full bathroom. The only chore that has been give to them is to empty the dishwasher which they seldom do unless asked. The amount of additional cleaning that I have to do is notable and although I have complained they still continue to do nothing much around here. I could live with that. They constantly take the cordless phones and leave them in one of their rooms as well as other items that belong to us such as the cord to the central vac. I have on occasion needed to enter their rooms to get an item. I have also entered the bedroom when repeated knocking didn't wake them and there was a phone call for them or I was asked if I could wake one of them at a particular time. My room however is entered constantly by my daughter but not her bf thankfully. So last night her bf's brother called and we called out for him an got no reply. We believed he was home and most likely had fallen asleep watching TV so my husband went to open the door and discovered that they installed keyed locks on the "living room" and bedroom. I was SOOOOO insulted. The only reason to lock something or somewhere up is to proctect it. So of course I am left believing that the implication is that we are being percieved as theives or that we are rummaging through their belongings! I did once enter the bedroom to try to find a vital components of my vacumm and he was beyond angry. I did apologize stating that up until a feww weeks prior this was only my DDs room and she never had an issue with me grabbing something of mine from her room as she knew that I would never root through her stuff. So now both of them are upset thinking that they are entitled to lock up part of our home. They are under the impression that 200 a month entitles them to complete autonomy and the same rights of ownership as my husband and I have. The fact that not having a key to a room containing items that could develop an issue leading to a fire means nothing even tho his stereo did catch on fire just two weeks ago. Am I wrong? Do you think that they have the right to hold keys to part of our home and deny us access? We never said that they were renting we said 200 to cover hydro, water, cleaning supplies, toilet paper, laundry soap etc etc... This kid (her bf) was raised by monkies and seems to have missed out on some maturity. For example he borrowed 50 dollars from me and when he paid it back I promptly misplaced it. He responded by getting angry at me for losing HIS money. I want to help them I really do but I am really starting to feel disrespected in my own home. Also when our house flooded some of their stuff was in the basement and he was angry at us for letting his stuff be ruined. Believe it or not held us responsible for an act of God. Sadly I think that he will have to go if he cant change. Even if we are wrong this is our home. We worked our butts off to own a home and I will be d@mned if I am going to let a kid tell me what I can and cant do. So opinions? Suggestions on how to get a couple of morons to understand why this isnt right if you do agree? Sometimes its better to get opinions from those who are not involved as there is greater clarity. Thanks guys and pray for me that the drama and crazyness that has been plaguing us for the last 6 years will come to an end. I now know what the saying no good deed goes unpunished means. Thanks :) |
That is so disrespectful of them to install locks, and they didn't even ask you first:eek:!! I don't know anywhere else where you can live for $200 a month, can I move in with you?!?! I would help with the cleaning:laugh: Maybe it would help to put all your bills together and show them in black and white what it costs to actually LIVE. You were very kind to allow him to move in when he was in trouble. Maybe there's a reason why his step-father didn't want him in his home, you know? I would remove the locks and get rid of them and if they don't like it, well there's the door! You must have access to their part of the house for all the reasons you stated, AND in case there is some kind of emergency or something. I would wonder if there was some kind of drug use going on because they feel the need to lock the doors and they're unresponsive when you're calling them or knocking on the door. No one sleeps through pounding on the door unless they're on something. Just sayin'. I have 5 kids, 4 boys ages 25, 25, 24, and 23, and my girl who is 17 tomorrow. Three of the four boys are pot smokers and drinkers and they don't live here for that reason. They used to treat our home the same way and I would not tolerate it. Asking me to wake you up at 8 am and then you don't respond, and then it's my fault you get fired from your job?:rolleyes: I feel for you, it's a hard situation. Good luck!!!!:love: |
Oh and present them with a bill whenever you have to do their share of the cleaning/chores. That might help put a stop to that;) :laugh: |
You allow your 17 yo daughter to LIVE WITH HER BOYFRIEND in YOUR HOME?? The kids aren't the ones with the problem.:confused: |
oh i am sorry they are misunderstanding your kindness. i dont believe you should have to put up with his nastyness. he should be more than thankful for your help. they cant lock up your house.....he needs to get his own place, pay his own rent and then he can lock all the doors he chooses. i hope it all works out for the best and you and dh can be apprecitated for the kind people you are. |
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I hope this clarifies your impression of the situation and perhaps prior to assuming bad parenting you would take the time to inquire and not pass judgement in ignorance. |
Your daughter is 17 years old. Tell her she is not allowed to see an 18 year old LEGALLY adult man. He is not your son, and not your responsibility. Kick him to the curb. if your daughter has a fit, let her know that in how ever many months until she turns 18 she has to listen to you. After that, if she wants to go out in the big scary world and take care of herself that it up to her. Plus you know why they are locking the room. They are living together aren't they?? I don't have children but personally I would never allow my under age daughter to live with her bf, even if it were supposedly under my supervision. |
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Thank for the feedback, its hard to see clearly through these types of issues when your emotions are involved. Espeacially when you are putting yourself out to help another. |
Maybe there is more to the story behind his own mother not allowing him to stay...... They say you don't really know someone until you live with them. |
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Thanks hun, I understand what you are saying. I can only tell you that seeing an illness waste your daughter away to 80 punds and watching as her organs start shutting down has left me shell shocked. Even worse when her therapist is telling you that the stress of living on her own at this time could see her back in that condition. She had made up her mind that she was moving out with him which she can do legally as well as legally date a man 60 if she wants (yuck) Parents here have very little legal recourse. It was a gut wrenching decision. I just wish it were simple parenting, trying to parent around a mental illness has been BRUTAL. One saving grace is that I was told she was the sickest child ever at the clinic and that they didnt think she would make it. I devoted almost 2 years to be by her side day and night and was told that if it were not for that she would have died. Still when you are facing situations such as these it becomes hollow comfort. My prayer is that she will continue to get better and one day be free from illness and I can stop walking on a razors edge. |
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I know his mother and she sat crying in front of me for two hours about what a bad mother she was and how she had put her husband first and allowed him to abuse her son. She then went back to him two months laterkicking her son to the curb. Just a really awful situtation. Even worse is I know that many of his problems stem from a lack of parental interest aside from the abuse he recieved. He has a good heart its his brain that gets in the way sometimes. He has many good qualities too and is very good to my DD he stood by her through all of the hell we went through when she was sick and is devoted to her. Her therapist said that he is a positive in her life and that her relationship with him is an anchor keeping her well. I just wish that I could explain in a way they could grasp why this was such an insult and why we are hurt and angry. |
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That is horrible what his own mother did to him:unlove: This is indeed a sticky situation, I had forgotten that your daughter had an illness:( So kicking them out probably would be a BAD idea, huh:laugh:? I know that you are hesitant to rock the boat because of the fear of your daughter having a relapse. I bet that she also knows this, and don't believe for a minute that she won't use that to get away with stuff. Don't be afraid to call her on this if you think for a minute that she's manipulating you. I had a close friend in HS who had problems and she used to laugh behind her parents' backs because she knew she could get away with anything or get anything she wanted if she acted like she was relapsing. Not saying that this is what your daughter is doing or will do, just wanted you to be aware of it if her therapist hasn't mentioned it. I think you and your hubby are gonna have to sit them down and make up a contract that you'll ALL sign with what is expected out of them, and you. If they want you to respect their privacy, then they must respect your home and your rules. They must behave as adults if they wish to be treated as such. It's worth a try, anyway! Maybe you could even offer them a small discount off their "rent" for every week that they comply with the contract, and a small penalty for breaking the rules. You and Dh must discuss this in private at first so that you can be in total agreement before you talk to them. Type up the contract and make four copies, one for each of you, and have everyone sign each one. Oh, I am sending you the biggest hugs because I know that you are in such a hard spot with this:love: I wish there was something I could do to help you! I sure as heck wished there was someone that could've helped me when my kids were raking me over the coals:laugh: |
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and yes! You and DH have to be in total agreement and be a team! One of my pet peeves when parents aren\'t a team and the kid learns to work one of them to their advantage. |
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