looking for opinions ---Kids are a pain in the *ss :)

[Sammy Mommy]

I feel so bad for the situation you are in. You are between a rock and a hard place. Would it be possible for you to make up a contract saying what is acceptable and what is unacceptable and everyone discuss it and agree to it and then everyone sign it. You could decide what the consequences would be if the contract is broken. Sending hugs and prayers to you.

[Tina21]

I wanted to say a huge thank you for all of the advice and support. I know some of you are familiar with what we have been through and others arent. I cant begin to say how touched I am by your thoughful words and for taking the time out of your busy lives to help me with a problem. I am reading your posts with tears in my eyes, it means so much to me.

[MikaTallulah]

If I ever locked my mom out of any part of her house I can guarantee she would have changed the lock on me and my stuff would have been on the front porch. I am 27 and my mother still terrifies me.

If they feel you are a landlord of sort then they are only entitled to their bedroom, bathroom, and living room. They also must provide you with keys. If they lost belongings to water than their "renters insurance" should cover it. They are not entitled to usage of your phone or vacuum, etc. They obviously don't know how good they have it.

It is called " tough love" for a reason.

I have not read more than the first post yet.

[MikaTallulah]

Just read all the posts. It seems like a family meeting with you, DH, DD,and her BF is in order. That way you can all say what is and is not expected from on another. I would put the house rules in writing and everyone needs to abide by them. Specifically spell out what is expected. If he has said you are more a mom to him than his own mom he would be more respectful of you and your stuff than he is. They same goes for your daughter- She knows you probably blame yourself for her illness and is using this against you.

If her therapist thinks this living arrangement if best than maybe the family meeting should take place at their office . Let them see what you are going through

[yorkietalkjilly]

I'll have to say that young man would have been out of my home on his rear end upon finding he had locked me out of any portion of it - even a closet! And daughter would have to like it - or not. But anyone living under my roof abides by my rules and mores or they simply are unwelcome. I cannot imagine even a person that young doesn't know any better than to treat you like that.

My sister and her husband tried something like this to help her daughter's BF and it turned out with hard feelings and pain and misery all around and they finally had to boot the young man, the two subsequently married and for a short while things were okay but, yes, it ended in divorce, with the young man leaving the daughter with over $50,000.00 in credit card charges he'd put on the credit card before he left her with cancer and two young children, no insurance! He used my sister and BIL's kindness to simply wipe his boots on, used their daughter and turned her against them, left her life in tatters and hurt everyone he touched.

I have yet to know a single person who dealt with anyone like this where it didn't end badly. Zebras develop their stripes pretty early and though from a distance may look like a regular horse, they are still Zebras - wild, unpredictable and rarely tamed.

[backwardsrain]

Since he paid you rent, legally you are the landlord and he is the tenant. That means you have a right to have a key to their door, and must give notice before entering, and must evict him formally--you can't just boot him out, if you do and he calls the police you could be in serious legal trouble.

I'm 22 and have had friends go through this kind of "phase" before--the best thing you can do is act as though you support the relationship (if you ban her from seeing him he will suddenly seem like the most interesting, "forbidden" bad boy around, trust me!) and wait for the relationship to die on its own. And do whatever you have to to make sure she is on birth control! Make her get the shot or something else very effective and long-term. As long as she doesn't get pregnant this will go away on its own.

[yorkietalkjilly]

Acting like you support a relationship with someone like he seems to be isn't going to win you any respect from her and certainly none from him. She'll just come to think you are their weak playthings and they will watch you spin to keep them home and happy.

[msyorktown]

Oh Tina...I'm soo sorry to read this! sigh, I know of some of the struggles you have gone through recently, sweetie it seems you cant catch a break.
Please call me. My heart is just breaking for you.
luv ya girl
Jacqui

[capt_noonie]

Originally Posted by backwardsrain

Since he paid you rent, legally you are the landlord and he is the tenant. That means you have a right to have a key to their door, and must give notice before entering, and must evict him formally--you can't just boot him out, if you do and he calls the police you could be in serious legal trouble.

I'm 22 and have had friends go through this kind of "phase" before--the best thing you can do is act as though you support the relationship (if you ban her from seeing him he will suddenly seem like the most interesting, "forbidden" bad boy around, trust me!) and wait for the relationship to die on its own. And do whatever you have to to make sure she is on birth control! Make her get the shot or something else very effective and long-term. As long as she doesn't get pregnant this will go away on its own.

Yup, she's 17, no way this relationship is lasting forever.

[yorkietalkjilly]

My sister's daughter's age was 17 when they moved that young man of hers under their roof. It lasted.

[Tina21]

Originally Posted by backwardsrain

Since he paid you rent, legally you are the landlord and he is the tenant. That means you have a right to have a key to their door, and must give notice before entering, and must evict him formally--you can't just boot him out, if you do and he calls the police you could be in serious legal trouble.

I'm 22 and have had friends go through this kind of "phase" before--the best thing you can do is act as though you support the relationship (if you ban her from seeing him he will suddenly seem like the most interesting, "forbidden" bad boy around, trust me!) and wait for the relationship to die on its own. And do whatever you have to to make sure she is on birth control! Make her get the shot or something else very effective and long-term. As long as she doesn't get pregnant this will go away on its own.

Agreed! The rent topic however is moote. We told them at the start that they were not paying rent that the money was to cover the additional utilities and consummables other than food. We made it very clear that we were offering him a place to live not a place to rent. In a landlord tenant relationship both parties benefit. I can tell you Im not benefiting lol. I am however cleaning much much more than I would be if they weren't here. So his whole I pay rent crap is just that crap. We made it very very clear at the beginning that we had no desire to benefit financially from the arrangement. We also said that if our costs didnt support the 200 that we would adjust it to only cover our additional costs. Sadly they take food from our fridge and other things not included so we have left it at the amount agreed upon.

We treated him as family not as a tenant. He sits down at my table and eats meals I prepare and pay for. He gets rides when needed as well as many other benefits that would never be extended to a tenant. We treated him very well and thats what has made this so very hurtful.

[dawn27]

Maybe it would help to put all your bills together and show them in black and
white what it costs to actually LIVE.

I would also suggest showing them the cost of living expenses from before he moved in to give him a better idea of what the money is being used for.

I think you and your hubby are gonna have to sit them down and make up a contract that you'll ALL sign with what is expected out of them, and you. If they want you to respect their privacy, then they must respect your home and your rules. They must behave as adults if they wish to be treated as such.

I totally agree! Also make it very clear to them that the money if for expenses not rent.

I read your last thread and wrote an entire peply to post, but than I deleted it. Who am I to give advise on something I know noting about. BUt now I feel I need to put my two cents worth in and hope that it will help in some small way.

I really hate to say this because you sound like a wonderful women and mother and I know how much trouble you are having with your kids recently. That being said...I think that by you allowing them , your minor child and her boyfriend to live together and have their own living room, bedroom and bathroom separate from the family that you have to take a great deal of the responsible for the problems that you are having right now. You sort of created the problem and now are overwhelmed and feelling disrespected. And you should be !! Its a lot for a mother to handle, wondering if you've done the right thing.

Locks on the doors, are you kidding me! That is just ridiculous. I'd take them damn locks off the door the first chance you get as shove them where the moon don't shine. A simple knock before you enter their rooms should be good enough. It's YOUR home NOT theirs!

Your daughter nor you should ever allow anyone disrespect you or your husband in your own home. And if shes doing the disrespect than maybe a BIG dose of reality would help her reconsider how she and her fb choose to treat you and your DH.

Maybe they both need some good ol' home schooling, on respect and how to treat an adult. Along with some responsibly and not allow yourself to be walks all over by either of them. They could benefit from a dose of reality and possible some tuff love. Someone needs to put them both in their place before things get too out of hand.

I think that he needs to be in his own bedroom. He is a guest in your home and as such should respect your home and your daughter while living there. I agree that they should have access to the other living area but not behind close doors. You should have access to all of the room in your home and they should be expected to gather in either of the living quarters as any extended family would.

I would take the door off the hinges of the separate living area.
Than I would take the locks off of the other bedroom door. If they dont like it than that door would go too.

That would defiantly solve the lock on the door problem. There is absolutely no reason why they need their own living quarters. It like they are putting up Boarders in your home. Keeping separate from the rest of the family just seems wrong. It seems a bit controlling to me! which is never a good situation and should be put to a Stop asap..

Did I miss the part where he had a job? If not, Give him a time limit to get a job and if not he would have to got out. I think he may be using your daughter as a crutch of sorts. Because he knows that if he goes so will she. And due to her condition you would never put her out. He probably feel like he don't have to work and why should he when he has someone else who will pay his way.

I would also try to have schedule dinner time where the whole family, fb and all sit at the table and have a nice family meal together. It may help him feel more accepted and wanted. You should not stop acting and doing family like things just because someone come into the family disrupts everything and doesn't want to follow the rules. Family comes first and formost ...

Plus its Your home , your Rules ! And if he want to continue living in your home he and she both must follow those rules.

[McheleM]

Originally Posted by yorkietalkjilly

I'll have to say that young man would have been out of my home on his rear end upon finding he had locked me out of any portion of it - even a closet! And daughter would have to like it - or not. But anyone living under my roof abides by my rules and mores or they simply are unwelcome. children, no insurance! He used my sister and BIL's kindness to simply wipe his boots on, used their daughter and turned her against them, left her life in tatters and hurt everyone he touched.

This exactly.

[McheleM]

Originally Posted by backwardsrain

Since he paid you rent, legally you are the landlord and he is the tenant. That means you have a right to have a key to their door, and must give notice before entering, and must evict him formally--you can't just boot him out, if you do and he calls the police you could be in serious legal trouble.

Not without a signed lease contract. It will be their word agia st his and the daughters. She says he's paying for extra utilities and incidentals.
Regardless, it's her house and her rules, even if he were "renting" there are rules.

I can't paint my apartment without written permission from my landlord. I also can't change my locks without notifying them and giving them a copy of the key. I also have a signed lease agreement.


OP: seems to me a meeting is in order. Lay down the rules and if they don't like them they can leave. I know you don't want that for your daughter, however you can't allow her and her boyfriend to walk all over you.

[yorkietalkjilly]

Unfortunately in these situations the daughter usually always sides with the young man who has her ear and the strong mother figure is demonized behind her back, all the more as she desperately tries to deal with impossible situations by giving in to more and more demands, spoken or implied. The more the mom and dad try to placate the kids in order to keep their daughter from ruining her life, the less they tend to be respected and the young couple begins to play them in very sophisticated ways until all respect is gone. Once a daughter begins to lose respect for her parents, even her feelings of love are often pushed into the background as she senses she is in control. It's a no-win situation once the kids are in the driver's seat.

Steadily rebuilding your respect and control of your home with these two will gain you far more than accommodating them any more than you have. I would set my rules matter of factly and stand by them if they were going to continue living in my home. Keep your composure and remember who has ultimate control.

Kids of all ages respect and love parents who set and keep boundaries along the lines of fairness and decency. You may have learn how to accept your daughter's choices should she stay under this young man's influence but you do not have to lose further respect and her love, too. If they decide to leave, make it clear that the choice is hers to make and she is the one that will have to live with it and you will love her no matter what. If she does leave and things go south with him, she will return to parents she loves and respects, a bruised but wiser young woman. If you have lost her respect and a great deal of her love by being too weak, she may just keep going.