What happened to the meaning of christmas. - YorkieTalk.com Forums

deonk1 · 12-27-2011, 12:02 PM

Hey all, I've often come here if I'm stressed out, or sad and I find myself back here once again alone at home and in need of friends, all my girlfriends are out of the city, so I have no one to talk to, and the bf is supportive but getting tired of me moping.

Well on Christmas day there was a large family dispute which included ALOT of alcohol. My mother is an alcoholic and doesn't realize it, so that made it ALOT worse.

anyone out there care to listen or offer advice. I'm not speaking with my mother right now, I told I was sick of her nonsense (a lot less nicely than that), but a BOX of wine lasts her only 1.5 nights if that, and she's mixing alcohol with medications too.

I don't know what to do. Now it appears her and my step dad (who is the closest thing I have to a father) are separating.

I tried retail therapy today, but I just got mad in the parking lot. I scored some clothes, but I'm tired of dealing with my Christmas woes with material items, presents, shopping, it just doesn't help. I'm going to cuddle in bed with Harley and hope that eventually I don't feel so frustrated.

shodanusmc · 12-27-2011, 12:13 PM

Never give up hope, and always look to the future. Your Mom needs special help. You can suggest, etc, but she has to take the first step for treatment. I wish you the best. You are a good person and you deserve to be happy. So feel bad for a bit, and then snap out of it and get on with your life.

gemy · 12-27-2011, 12:16 PM

I will listen. First I'm so sorry, that Christmas turned out the way it did. Perhaps what might help is to journal your emotions/feelings etc. I do know they have support groups for family members of alcholics called Al Anon.

I think what they might tell you, is first that alcohol abuse is your Mom's problem, not yours. Your problem is your own reaction to your Mom's behaviour, and the effect it has on your life. It is one of the hardest things in the world, to see one you love, go down a self destructive road. To know that despite your efforts, nothing seems to make a difference.

Once again I'm so sorry you are needing to deal with this.

QuickSilver · 12-27-2011, 12:43 PM

I'm so sorry it wasn't a good holiday for you. If it helps at all, many people do not find the holidays joyful at all, just very stressful and full of those types of interactions. All the pressure and expectation of the season can make it much worse.

Sometimes the best thing about the holidays is how they help you look forward to getting back to work!

deonk1 · 12-27-2011, 12:59 PM

Thank you all, its extremely frustrating. I just got over my last dispute with my mom a year ago. it sucks that the old stuff is now getting uncovered again.

I got a hold of one of my girl friends, she just got off work and is coming over later. I hope that makes things a bit better.

yorkieusa · 12-27-2011, 01:07 PM

{{{{hugs}}}} I'm glad you have a friend coming over to be with you. I wish I could offer some advice.

BabyGirl Rosie · 12-27-2011, 01:45 PM

First of all let me just say I am so sorry you are dealing with all this. It is so hard I know. I have a sibling that got mixed up in drugs and tore our family apart for a bit. I will say this, Steve is right, She has to be the one to decide to make that first step. You can tell them and tell them. Until they realize they have a problem nothing will work. My sibling had to hit rock bottom before the realization sat in. Now, it is much better. We all talked until we were blue in the face. Once the sibling decided to to through drug rehab, things got so much better. It worked because the sibling decided to do it not us. So, basically it is up to her to make that decision. Also, I would recommend the support group as well. It really does help to see that others understand what you are going through. They are trained to deal with this and can give you much better advice. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers as you go through all this. Hugs to you sweetie.

My lil friend · 12-27-2011, 02:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by deonk1

Thank you all, its extremely frustrating. I just got over my last dispute with my mom a year ago. it sucks that the old stuff is now getting uncovered again.

I got a hold of one of my girl friends, she just got off work and is coming over later. I hope that makes things a bit better.

I hope that time with your friend will help. You also will need to make some choises for YOU. You can not fix your mom (I grew up in a house with a mother that was very mentally ill with no meds),you can however make some choises for you. Retail theropy is ok,but as you have figured out,it is very temporary. There are other things to choose from that have helped me (the gym,singing). I currently take dance lessons where I get to work on me and I get to visit with some of the other girls. My class ranges in age from 54 to 18.

As sad as it is,you may need to distance yourself from your mother for a time in order to protect yourself.

A friend once told me that joy does not just fall in your lap,you must seek it. Sometimes giving joy to others (random acts of kindness) blesses you more.

I will keep you in my thoughts. May you find joy and be able to built your own life that brings you fullfillment and purpose.

deonk1 · 12-27-2011, 03:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by My lil friend

I hope that time with your friend will help. You also will need to make some choises for YOU. You can not fix your mom (I grew up in a house with a mother that was very mentally ill with no meds),you can however make some choises for you. Retail theropy is ok,but as you have figured out,it is very temporary. There are other things to choose from that have helped me (the gym,singing). I currently take dance lessons where I get to work on me and I get to visit with some of the other girls. My class ranges in age from 54 to 18.

As sad as it is,you may need to distance yourself from your mother for a time in order to protect yourself.

A friend once told me that joy does not just fall in your lap,you must seek it. Sometimes giving joy to others (random acts of kindness) blesses you more.

I will keep you in my thoughts. May you find joy and be able to built your own life that brings you fullfillment and purpose.

Thanks, yes I need to find myself a hobby (or more like return to them) I do agility; however, with Harley being so sick these last 3 months I haven't taken him nor have I talked to the dog ppl much. Tomorrow we have a holiday dinner with the group, I'm looking forward to it. The vet has almost cleared Harley for mild training, and I paid (more like bartered) some lessons with my trainer in exchange for lobster (:P figured I'd throw that in on a more pleasant note), so that'll most definitely get my mind off things. And today I bought some running gear at lululemon so that I cannot use snow and crappy weather as an excuse to not run. I probably should have went for a run this morning when I felt like crap.

I'm a real people pleaser, and I definitely need to work on that.

Am I being childish if I refuse to speak to her until she starts getting help? Do I call her and tell her that? Or have someone deliver the message? or do I just ignore it? I really am tired of drunken phone calls and her assuming I'm going to do everything for her just cause she demands it.

yorkieusa · 12-27-2011, 03:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by deonk1

Thanks, yes I need to find myself a hobby (or more like return to them) I do agility; however, with Harley being so sick these last 3 months I haven't taken him nor have I talked to the dog ppl much. Tomorrow we have a holiday dinner with the group, I'm looking forward to it. The vet has almost cleared Harley for mild training, and I paid (more like bartered) some lessons with my trainer in exchange for lobster (:P figured I'd throw that in on a more pleasant note), so that'll most definitely get my mind off things. And today I bought some running gear at lululemon so that I cannot use snow and crappy weather as an excuse to not run. I probably should have went for a run this morning when I felt like crap.

I'm a real people pleaser, and I definitely need to work on that.

Am I being childish if I refuse to speak to her until she starts getting help? Do I call her and tell her that? Or have someone deliver the message? or do I just ignore it? I really am tired of drunken phone calls and her assuming I'm going to do everything for her just cause she demands it.

I really believe you need to distance yourself, as someone else suggested. It is upsetting your life and affecting you too much and I think a timeout for yourself is a good idea. That, of course, is your decision. It sounds to me as though she is taking a huge toll on your quality of life and you have your own life to lead and a future that only you can determine. She can't be a part of that future unless you allow it.

My lil friend · 12-27-2011, 04:42 PM

Am I being childish if I refuse to speak to her until she starts getting help? Do I call her and tell her that? Or have someone deliver the message? or do I just ignore it? I really am tired of drunken phone calls and her assuming I'm going to do everything for her just cause she demands it.[/QUOTE]

Are you being childish,,,NO. But you should not make demands on her. She must come to it. MY mother is the REASON that I own an answering machine and have caller ID. If you have an answering machine or voicemail, listen to the message, if it is a good moment wait about 30min and call back. Enjoy the good conversation and if it begins to turn bad,politely tell your mother that someone else is beeping in on the other line,someone is knocking at your door,the dog needs to go out,you are tryng to finish getting ready to leave the house,,,pick one.
Hopefully she will make the connection.

QuickSilver · 12-27-2011, 04:56 PM

You're probably going to get a variety of responses on this one.

Only you can really decide what the right step for you. My advice is to "strike when the iron is cold." Ie, don't stop speaking to someone when you are feeling furious. Cutting off contact is a big step, and you should think about what you want to do carefully. Allow yourself to cool off, and decide whether you want to make it official, or stop talking to her as frequently, or as the PP suggested, talk to her in limited doses.

deonk1 · 12-27-2011, 07:16 PM

Well I just discovered I forgot my running shoes at her house. I was going to go for a run tomorrow to calm down, and now I can't (3 hours away). Now my grandmother is calling me and arguing with me. She's taking mom's side. She thinks I need to call her, but I really don't want to speak with her. the cops have been involved already down there and I don't want to hear anybody complaining about it.

I emailed mom's friend and asked her if her husband was coming up any time soon, with any luck he may be coming up and she could volunteer to pick those up.

QuickSilver · 12-27-2011, 07:57 PM

Is this your maternal grandmother? I'm sure she's got a whole host of separate issues with regard to her daughter.

I'd recommend setting some boundaries there. There's this famous psychiatrist Harriett Lerner (she wrote all the "Dance of... " books, have you heard of those?) who claims that difficult relationships are often managed in triangles. Ie, your grandmother plays the peacemaker between you and your mother, which helps her avoid her own anxiety over the situation.

My lil friend · 12-27-2011, 07:59 PM

Maybe you need to let Grandma leave a message as well. I dont mean this in an ugly way. I have had to do this and after everyone cools off it is a bit easier. As for the shoes,maybe there is some other type of exercise you can do until they return or purchase another pair.
I was astranged from my family off and on for many years. Now my house is the place that my family gathers.

12-27-2011, 12:02 PM	#1
deonk1 YT 1000 Club Member Join Date: Apr 2010 Location: Winnipeg, MB, Canada Posts: 1,795	What happened to the meaning of christmas. Hey all, I've often come here if I'm stressed out, or sad and I find myself back here once again alone at home and in need of friends, all my girlfriends are out of the city, so I have no one to talk to, and the bf is supportive but getting tired of me moping. Well on Christmas day there was a large family dispute which included ALOT of alcohol. My mother is an alcoholic and doesn't realize it, so that made it ALOT worse. anyone out there care to listen or offer advice. I'm not speaking with my mother right now, I told I was sick of her nonsense (a lot less nicely than that), but a BOX of wine lasts her only 1.5 nights if that, and she's mixing alcohol with medications too. I don't know what to do. Now it appears her and my step dad (who is the closest thing I have to a father) are separating. I tried retail therapy today, but I just got mad in the parking lot. I scored some clothes, but I'm tired of dealing with my Christmas woes with material items, presents, shopping, it just doesn't help. I'm going to cuddle in bed with Harley and hope that eventually I don't feel so frustrated. __________________ Kendra Harley, you were the light in my life, rest peacefully my love!

12-27-2011, 12:16 PM	#3
gemy YT 2000 Club Donating Member Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: Huntsville,Ont,Canaada Posts: 12,335 Blog Entries: 2	I will listen. First I'm so sorry, that Christmas turned out the way it did. Perhaps what might help is to journal your emotions/feelings etc. I do know they have support groups for family members of alcholics called Al Anon. I think what they might tell you, is first that alcohol abuse is your Mom's problem, not yours. Your problem is your own reaction to your Mom's behaviour, and the effect it has on your life. It is one of the hardest things in the world, to see one you love, go down a self destructive road. To know that despite your efforts, nothing seems to make a difference. Once again I'm so sorry you are needing to deal with this. __________________ Razzle and Dara. Our clan. RIP Karma Dec 24th 2004-July 14 2013 RIP Zoey Jun9 th 2008-May 12 2012. RIP Magic,Mar 26 2006July 1st 2018

12-27-2011, 12:43 PM	#4
QuickSilver Thor's Human Donating Member Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: San Francisco, CA Posts: 5,929 Blog Entries: 31	I'm so sorry it wasn't a good holiday for you. If it helps at all, many people do not find the holidays joyful at all, just very stressful and full of those types of interactions. All the pressure and expectation of the season can make it much worse. Sometimes the best thing about the holidays is how they help you look forward to getting back to work! __________________ If you love something, set it free. Unless it's an angry tiger. Last edited by QuickSilver; 12-27-2011 at 12:44 PM.

12-27-2011, 12:59 PM	#5
deonk1 YT 1000 Club Member Join Date: Apr 2010 Location: Winnipeg, MB, Canada Posts: 1,795	Thank you all, its extremely frustrating. I just got over my last dispute with my mom a year ago. it sucks that the old stuff is now getting uncovered again. I got a hold of one of my girl friends, she just got off work and is coming over later. I hope that makes things a bit better. __________________ Kendra Harley, you were the light in my life, rest peacefully my love!

12-27-2011, 01:07 PM	#6
yorkieusa Crazy about Kacee! Donating Member Join Date: May 2005 Location: Kansas Posts: 21,173	{{{{hugs}}}} I'm glad you have a friend coming over to be with you. I wish I could offer some advice. __________________ Karen Kacee Muffin 1991-2005 Rest in Peace My Little Angel

12-27-2011, 12:13 PM	#2
shodanusmc BANNED! Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: Illinois Posts: 4,603	Never give up hope, and always look to the future. Your Mom needs special help. You can suggest, etc, but she has to take the first step for treatment. I wish you the best. You are a good person and you deserve to be happy. So feel bad for a bit, and then snap out of it and get on with your life.

12-27-2011, 01:45 PM	#7
BabyGirl Rosie I ♥ my girls! Donating Member Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: With My Yorkies Posts: 18,980	First of all let me just say I am so sorry you are dealing with all this. It is so hard I know. I have a sibling that got mixed up in drugs and tore our family apart for a bit. I will say this, Steve is right, She has to be the one to decide to make that first step. You can tell them and tell them. Until they realize they have a problem nothing will work. My sibling had to hit rock bottom before the realization sat in. Now, it is much better. We all talked until we were blue in the face. Once the sibling decided to to through drug rehab, things got so much better. It worked because the sibling decided to do it not us. So, basically it is up to her to make that decision. Also, I would recommend the support group as well. It really does help to see that others understand what you are going through. They are trained to deal with this and can give you much better advice. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers as you go through all this. Hugs to you sweetie. __________________ Momma to three sweet Yorkie girls Rosie Marie, Mikki Leigh , and Lily Mae Grace!

12-27-2011, 04:42 PM	#11
My lil friend Donating YT 1000 Club Member Join Date: Mar 2011 Location: FtWorth,TX,USA Posts: 3,269	Am I being childish if I refuse to speak to her until she starts getting help? Do I call her and tell her that? Or have someone deliver the message? or do I just ignore it? I really am tired of drunken phone calls and her assuming I'm going to do everything for her just cause she demands it.[/QUOTE] Are you being childish,,,NO. But you should not make demands on her. She must come to it. MY mother is the REASON that I own an answering machine and have caller ID. If you have an answering machine or voicemail, listen to the message, if it is a good moment wait about 30min and call back. Enjoy the good conversation and if it begins to turn bad,politely tell your mother that someone else is beeping in on the other line,someone is knocking at your door,the dog needs to go out,you are tryng to finish getting ready to leave the house,,,pick one. Hopefully she will make the connection.

12-27-2011, 04:56 PM	#12
QuickSilver Thor's Human Donating Member Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: San Francisco, CA Posts: 5,929 Blog Entries: 31	You're probably going to get a variety of responses on this one. Only you can really decide what the right step for you. My advice is to "strike when the iron is cold." Ie, don't stop speaking to someone when you are feeling furious. Cutting off contact is a big step, and you should think about what you want to do carefully. Allow yourself to cool off, and decide whether you want to make it official, or stop talking to her as frequently, or as the PP suggested, talk to her in limited doses. __________________ If you love something, set it free. Unless it's an angry tiger.

12-27-2011, 07:16 PM	#13
deonk1 YT 1000 Club Member Join Date: Apr 2010 Location: Winnipeg, MB, Canada Posts: 1,795	Well I just discovered I forgot my running shoes at her house. I was going to go for a run tomorrow to calm down, and now I can't (3 hours away). Now my grandmother is calling me and arguing with me. She's taking mom's side. She thinks I need to call her, but I really don't want to speak with her. the cops have been involved already down there and I don't want to hear anybody complaining about it. I emailed mom's friend and asked her if her husband was coming up any time soon, with any luck he may be coming up and she could volunteer to pick those up. __________________ Kendra Harley, you were the light in my life, rest peacefully my love!

12-27-2011, 07:57 PM	#14
QuickSilver Thor's Human Donating Member Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: San Francisco, CA Posts: 5,929 Blog Entries: 31	Is this your maternal grandmother? I'm sure she's got a whole host of separate issues with regard to her daughter. I'd recommend setting some boundaries there. There's this famous psychiatrist Harriett Lerner (she wrote all the "Dance of... " books, have you heard of those?) who claims that difficult relationships are often managed in triangles. Ie, your grandmother plays the peacemaker between you and your mother, which helps her avoid her own anxiety over the situation. __________________ If you love something, set it free. Unless it's an angry tiger.

12-27-2011, 07:59 PM	#15
My lil friend Donating YT 1000 Club Member Join Date: Mar 2011 Location: FtWorth,TX,USA Posts: 3,269	Maybe you need to let Grandma leave a message as well. I dont mean this in an ugly way. I have had to do this and after everyone cools off it is a bit easier. As for the shoes,maybe there is some other type of exercise you can do until they return or purchase another pair. I was astranged from my family off and on for many years. Now my house is the place that my family gathers.