What happened to the meaning of christmas.

[deonk1]

Yeah my grandmother is a really tempered person. So she yelled at me last night and tried to make my stepdad sound so evil, and she wasn't even there. I tried to tell her that I had company and didn't want to discuss it, but she kept yelling at me.

I can't ignore my grandmother cause my aunt lives at home still and her and I are very close, I call there several times a day .

I don't know what I'm going to do with mom, I don't want to talk to her, but essentially my grandmother said that if I want the shoes, my christmas money $100 and my next set of child support cheques (dad sends them to maintenance and then they go to mom and she signes them over to me) I need to call her. Those cheques are very important to me, but I know she's just abusing this power to get me to call her.

I'm hoping when I call my aunt today my grandmother drops it. I may just tell her that I'm very busy with school and that I'll call mom on January 1st. If she wishes to talk to me sooner she'll have to call herself and that I'm only going to continue talking so long as she is civil and does not mentioned her and my step dad. (which will never happen) I'm getting tired of getting stuck in the middle of this, and if she expects me to appologize for yelling at her that isn't going to happen. Everything I said was true. I think she owes me an appology considering my bf's mom and matt were there when this happened and both of them spent a lot of money to come to my house for Chirstmas so that neither parent had to be without us for Christmas.

[My lil friend]

If I understand it correctly,the child support checks are written in your name because you are a minor (under 18). They are for your care and your mother can NOT legally withhold them.
I am sorry that you have family members that are so controling, I have been. I had to make a choise to cut my losses,you may or may not be in a position to do this. I worked very hard and made sure that I never had to ask them for help. The independance in itself allowed me to choose my own path. I also have a very special relationship with my husband,we have always been friends and he has always supported me. His mother as well has always been supportive and helped me where she could.

[deonk1]

Originally Posted by My lil friend

If I understand it correctly,the child support checks are written in your name because you are a minor (under 18). They are for your care and your mother can NOT legally withhold them.
I am sorry that you have family members that are so controling, I have been. I had to make a choise to cut my losses,you may or may not be in a position to do this. I worked very hard and made sure that I never had to ask them for help. The independance in itself allowed me to choose my own path. I also have a very special relationship with my husband,we have always been friends and he has always supported me. His mother as well has always been supportive and helped me where she could.

The cheques go to her and are in her name. I'm actually not a minor any more, the only reason the cheques keep coming is because I'm still in school. But I know he defaulted on those cheques a lot, so they have to go through maintenence. I considered four years ago trying to get it changed to go directly to me, but we'd have to go to court to do that, and I'd lose the guarantee of it going through maintenence, and my father would likely argue he shouldn't be paying it anymore. Because of the wording of their divorce agreement (in my favor) I've left it as it is.

I agree it's a real pain to have such controlling people in your family. My boyfriend has been supportive much like you said your husband is, and his mother has been a huge help to me too, she even gave me a gift a few years ago to put towards my tutition.

If she withholds the cheques, I'm getting along better with my father, I may just ask him if he'd be willing to give me the cash instead, and I'll rip the cheque up when I go get a hold of it. I have until the 15th before it's post date, so maybe I can figure it all out before then.



On the bright side, I'm starting to see the end of my 70% final paper I'm writing. I'm hoping to have it sent to my friend to proof read within the hour. I hope she has time to read it. Then I just need to power through the next assignmnet and I'm finished my feminism course. I informed the prof there was a family emergency, but honestly because it's an online university I'm not sure if she's allowed to give me an extension for it, (cause usually you have to pay for extensions and they need to be submitted 30 days before the end date). we'll see.

[Wylie's Mom]

Originally Posted by deonk1

Am I being childish if I refuse to speak to her until she starts getting help? Do I call her and tell her that? Or have someone deliver the message? or do I just ignore it? I really am tired of drunken phone calls and her assuming I'm going to do everything for her just cause she demands it.

No, you're not being childish. Setting firm boundaries is actually very mature of you, and it's something that takes many of us (incl me) years/decades to learn! You can communicate your needs/boundaries in a gentle way too, like "I need to keep a bit more distance right now, bc I'm hurting watching you hurting yourself" -- or whatever...that's just an example. And you *do* have every right to make yourself and your emotions safe.

Your Mom must be in so much pain, and there must be so much pain at the root of things for her to be willing to hurt herself in this way. Sadly, she is the only one who can pull herself into a place of healing. I know you want to be able to do it for her, you love her. But believe me, you can't do it. She has to want it for herself, and be ready to do the work.

All that said, you can still help identify some options for her...but only do this once (you wouldn't want to get into the routine of reminding her and reminding her, bc then you'd again be 'responsible'). You could print off AA meetings in her area, tell her about rehab, ask her to tell her doctor, print off info about depression/self-medicating and alcohol. Ask her what feels "doable" in terms of a first step, and is she willing to take it.

Addicts feel so lonely and SO ashamed and alone...it's hard for them to realize they don't have to be alone at all. People who love them are desperate to support them in getting better. I would highly recommend you check out Al-Anon, maybe see a therapist so that you too can heal.

I'm so sorry you're going through all of this. I so hope your Mom will find that shred of hope inside of her, and grab it for all it's worth .

[deonk1]

I called her today, pretty much told her I didn't want to talk about her and stepdad, and expressed my concerns, and told her that I've got a lot of school work so if I don't answer the phone that's why.

I'm hoping she understands why it all upsets me, but I got a lot of hallow "yups" when I mentioned christmas night so I'm not sure if it got through to her.