I don't think I can handle this pain.

[Angela]

Somehow, I am still pretty " normal " after loosing my sister in May, but my this is too much. I will try to keep this short, I just can't keep it all in anymore.

We had two 16 year old sons living at home....one my birth son the other my husband's son I raised since 1st grade. Anyway, my husband and I have always been VERY hands on with the boys sports, school parties, etc... Well, his son turned 17 and ran away last week...to his Mom's that lives in TX..she has NEVER been to Louisiana EVER since he has been here! The law says at 17 we can't make him come home, but are still responsible I will try to have him emacipated. Well, NOW my son my heart and soul, my reason for living, the one constant in my life ( I had him right after I turned 15 ) and I gave up everything to be the best Mom I could, I wanted him to have everythig I didn't. Most of all the understanding of how important a college education is to provide well for himself and oneday a family. He is a great kid, good in school, always been in at least one sport, usually 2 - 3 at a time. Anyway, NOW he says he leaving as soon as he turns 17 and has been baiting me, cussing me, like he is trying to make me throw him out NOW....I don't want him to go so I won't ever throw him out....he will turn 17 next month....I can't stop thinking about him walking out and the law not being able to do anything.....they are still babies! They do not have the tools they need for life yet. He says he is still finishing school....I would be shocked if he didn't. I mean Next year is suppose to be out time for graduation planing and all that....I just don't know. I know nobody is perfect, but I look back and try to see what I could have done different and I can't see where I could have done more....I took off work to be at everything possible and was at 99% one year I worked they gave me all of his games off. He dosen't give me any reason except all I ever do is hollar at him. OK, like that is what I just wake up in the morning looking forward to screaming at him I have cried so much, but it hit me the other day.....If I never did one more thing for him I have gave him a better life than I had. As a parent that was my main goal. I hope one day he will see that nobody will love him and stand up for him like I do. I just hope that day is soon. As far as the one TX, the DA found a loop hole that could have made him come back if the police would have went with it, but hubby said he didn't want him back here, the stress was not worth the hell he was putting us through. He is way different than my son as far as school....I had to stay on him ALL the time and punish him to make him even try to get his grades up.....then he started skipping school, hanging with the wrong crowd, etc... We were going to send him to youth challange in hopes it would motivate him in FEB. he lied saying he really wanted to go all the way up until his b'day...turned 17 and left...telling us he was working. I am so past that anger b/c we put so much into trying to help him. I don't know how I can get through my son disrespecting me....he was not raised to act like this and how I can know he is in school around the corner from our house, but not in his room. This shouldn't be legal. I just feel numb and don't really care about anything right now.

Thanks for letting me rant,
Angie

[sweetr72]

I really feel for you and also can feel the sadness in your post. My boys are 15 and 13 and my daughter is 10. I know the day will come when they will have to make their own decisions and of course as any mother I pray they make the right ones...BUT when its out of my hands its out of my hands...they have to live and learn like you and I did. They WILL make mistakes and they WILL learn from them..we as moms just have to be there when they fall and hope that they dont fall toooooo hard. I know it sounds easier said than done and Im sure it is. Try not to dwell on what might be and live each moment as it comes. They always come back to mom whether they move back in or not..you are their mom!! They will have to live with the decisions they make....good or bad....you did all that you can do. Forcing them to do something they dont want to do will only make it worse...you know that as well as I do...I know at 17 we think of them as sooooo young still with so much to learn but in THEIR eyes they are grown up. I remember the HELL I put my mom through as a teen...geeez it must have been terrible for her but you know what..she is my best friend..it took many years for that to happen and I SWORE it never would happen lol...I thought I hated her for a very long time but I grew up..slowly!! Just be there for them the best you can but remember you cant hold on to them..

Dawn

[bbrewser]

I don't have kids so I can't say I know what you are going through... but I will say this(my mom's advice)....At some point you have to trust that you did the best you could and have given them a solid foundation so they can make it on their own in the world. And when they are old enough you have to watch them make wrong decisions and stupid mistakes(b/c we all know they will-it's part of the learning curve) and be there for them when they need some guidance. You taught them everything they need and don't think it's all for nothing right now--that's what is going to help them through these times. Whatever happens I wish you the best and am sorry for what you are going through.

[Sunnie]

I feel so sad for you in reading this. I can tell how much you love your son. You should let him read this thread. Maybe he will see it for himself if he sees it in black and white. I know that kids think they are grown and ready to face the world at this age. Mine never ran away, but they did move out on thier own afetr 18. But you know, every one has been back. They saw that life is not easy on thier own. They found that by staying at home and starting thier lives it is much easier to save money and prepare themselves to go out on thier own. We hate to see them struggle as a young adult, but sometimes that is exactly what we need to do. It usually doesn't take long before they learn that Mom only wants what is best for them and is looking out for thier best interests. It just is so very hard on our hearts to stand by and see them making mistakes that we know are going to hurt them in the long run. My heart goes out to you.

[Angela]

Thanks Dawn. I guess I was so busy raising him at the age he I never had the " normal " teenage attitude and I was blind sided by it, it really feels like it has knocked the the breath out of me. All I can think of is I must find something for myself....I have never done anything for me alone. I am working on my fitness goals. I just don't know how to let him go at barely 17 I guess, but I have no choice. I can't begg him to stay and let him call all the shots, break all the rules....I can't just sit back and watch that either. This is the worst thing I have been through and I have been through ALOT.

[Angela]

Thanks ya'll. My shirt is soaking wet from tears falling as I read and think. I can't talk to my husband b/c his son just ran off and it just dosen't seem fair to cry about my baby leaving when I know it has to be hurting him about Brian being in another State.

[sweetr72]

Originally Posted by Angela

Thanks Dawn. I guess I was so busy raising him at the age he I never had the " normal " teenage attitude and I was blind sided by it, it really feels like it has knocked the the breath out of me. All I can think of is I must find something for myself....I have never done anything for me alone. I am working on my fitness goals. I just don't know how to let him go at barely 17 I guess, but I have no choice. I can't begg him to stay and let him call all the shots, break all the rules....I can't just sit back and watch that either. This is the worst thing I have been through and I have been through ALOT.

Girl I know where you are coming from...my son who just turned 15 in October is coming into his own...he has always had learning disabilities which made me "coddle" him for lack of a better word. He is talking back to me and basically growing up. Testing out the waters so to say...I know this is normal just as when he was learning to walk and talk and do all the other firsts..this is his first...his first time making decisions without mom standing over him..going out at night, meeting friends and making decisions with them standing over him. I trust he has learned from me but I also know he will probably experiment with things as we all did at one point or another. Today he has the flu and needs mommy to take care of him...haha...so take the lighter moments when they come and the heavy moments...well lay them out for us..cry on our shoulders...vent and cry...your allowed to do that!!! I just want to reach through the screen and hug ya!!

Dawn

[LuvMySissy]

I am so sorry you are dealing with this. I don't really have any words of wisdom or advice other than to say if you give him some space, he may quickly find out that adult responsbilities are not so fun and living with mom and dad is a pretty sweet deal. It might take a while - sometimes they just need to figure this out. Hugs to you!

[Sookie]

Maybe some kind of group counseling where he can be with other kids who are going through the same feelings as he? Sometimes it helps to talk, especially if mom's not around. Good luck.

[Angela]

Thanks. I don't think he would go to cousiling....almost positive and if I got him there he would just toy w/everyone b/c really there is nothing I wouldn't do and I do a lot I can't afford to do for him and somewhere inside he HAS to know this and remember......I just don't understand. Like I said I was married, raising a child since I have been 14 at 32 there have been maybe 2 years I wasen't married so I never acted like this, I always appreciated any little thing done for me.

Angie

[saphire]

I really am sad for you. Kids can sometimes drive one nuts and break our hearts.
My son is all in all a good kid and hasn't given us many problems, but at about 16/17 he went through a "difficult" stage. There was a time when he too wanted to leave home "as soon as he turned 18" Well it was just a phase I'm pleased to say, he is now 24 and still with us!

I'm hoping and praying your son is just going through a phase. You sound like a wonderful Mom, and hopefully he will come to his senses soon. My thoughts are with you.


Sheilagh

[scoobiedooiscoo]

i to was a young mom my oldest is now 23 and youngest is 18 alls i have to say is teens suck but like someone else said you have laid a good foundation and he should come around again. if you need someone to talk to you can pm me and i will call you or you can call me. being a parent is the biggest guilt trip in the world isnt it.

[Katys mom]

We went through something very similar with my daughter years ago. I am in no way saying I did the right thing becasue I am not sure we did. But we decided to do the tough love. A lot of people called us out on our tough love stand including members of my own family. It was very hard and heart wrenching. But here we are years later and we have a great relationship with my daughter now. In fact she has remarked "I don't know what I was thinking".

She has now brought me 2 beautiful grandchildren and all is well. I am not sure that anything can make it easier. I just remember 2 things, God promised he will not give me anything I can't handle and raise them up in the way they should be and they will come home.

I will lift your family up in my prayers.

[Angela]

Thanks I really need prayers above anything else. Christian ( my son ) has been better today, how long it is going to last I don't know...I am just happy for the break. He is my surburban that I just paid half of his insurance for Christmas and went to the health club that I pre paid 6 months for him at Christmas. He likes to drive, it makes me a nervouse wreck when he is alone, but he calls at every point of destanation. I don't understand why he dosen't see when he respects us, he has more freedom. I don't know, I know the main problem is I never went through my teenage years, so it has helped me greatly with all your post.

Thanks,
Angie

[RowdysMom]

I'm so sorry that you are having to go through this. I don't have any advice because I didn't have to deal with this kind of problem - but my friend did and I thought of her when you talked about not letting him be at home and break the rules.

That is exactly what my friend had to do, finally she had to insist her daughter move out - because she refused to follow the (very reasonable) rules for living at home. There were drugs involved too.

You know what, her daughter has turned out just fine - they have a great relateionship now. She lived with friends for a while and then with some other relatives and now she is manager of a coffee house, multiple ones, I think.

Yes, you do have to trust that you have laid a great foundation and after he gets over this "independence trip", he will be just fine.

It must be really hard, I'm so sorry.