Too attached...

[danniko]

I know this is going to be long and seem strange but I don't know where else to turn. Please don't laugh.

I know people will think it's not possible to be too attached to their dog but I know for a fact I am and it is starting to destroy my marriage, my health and probably hers as well.

2009 was a horrible year for me. In April my grandpa was diagnosed with lung cancer, my mom was diagnosed with ovarian cancer in May and then my grandma passed away unexpectedly in June. I was looking at puppies to try and focus on something else and saw Sophie. I fell in love instantly and went out to see her and 2 hours later had put a deposit on her and brought her home a week later.

My mom fell in complete love with her and some days the only reason my mom laughed was because of Sophie.

Fast forward to 2012. My husband and I had moved quite a few times by this point, I had quit my job and I had lost all of my friends since I was the caregiver to my mom.

My mom was moved to hospice care in January 2012 and we could bring Sophie and I brought her every time we went. One Friday, Sophie and I were the last people to ever have a coherent conversation with her. We laughed and my mom shared her final ice cream cup with Sophie and snuggle and then she passed away the following Monday.

Six weeks later...my grandpa passed away, one of my aunts was diagnosed with ovarian cancer and the I was diagnosed with a few things that have affected my fertility. So not only did I lose my mom, I found out I will likely never be a mom.

She had her knee surgeries done in 2013 and then a repaired CCL in 2014. My husband and I moved into our own place finally and we have been dealing with her lack of appetite for the last 6 months. She has always had off days with food - sometimes she just gets tired of her food, other times she just won't eat anything. I have gotten so in tune with her that I don't know if it happened as often before I just never noticed. She used to only eat her kibble at midnight and nothing during the day - so sometimes when she doesn't want to eat she doesn't eat until midnight or 1am, so it is possible I just didn't notice some days.

We have run countless blood panels, x-rays, ultrasound, pancreas testing, tested for Addison's Disease and everything has come back fine and the vet has tried to reassure me she just is really sensitive and prone to gas. The vet is not concerned and we have spoken to 5 other vets - 3 from the same practice and 2 from different practices. So I should be confident in them, and some days I am.

The days she doesn't eat I bawl all day and worry and don't eat either. My husband and I can't afford to keep rushing her to the vet - and the vet has said to give her 24 hours and if she doesn't eat by the bring her in. We have spent thousands on her, tried countless diets and she does fine for awhile and then it starts again. My husband gets mad because I am so invested in her that I have spent all of our money on her and we can't afford to do anything else (like repair our car) because I just keep spending money that we don't have on her.

I get it, I do. But I love her so much that I drive her insane. I wake her up every time she twitches, I try and feed her all day on the days she won't eat. I constantly pick at her and feel her for lumps and bumps and then I don't focus on anything else until it is gone. I know it stresses her out but I don't know how to stop it, I don't let her out of my sight in case she licks the floor and I barely take her outside in case she gets sick. I know most of this is irrational, but I don't know how to stop.

I cry everyday knowing that one day I won't have her and she is 6 and the vet has said she is healthy. She has arthritis, she had a dental in June and came out of the anesthetic fine. She doesn't vomit or have diarrhea but I get myself so worked up and then she tries to comfort me and that just stresses her out more.

I don't work, I don't have friends, I live 45mins from my dad and an hour from my other aunt and my husband takes the car to work so I can't get anywhere. I really don't know what to do.

I have tried talking to my doctor but she informed she is "just a dog" and I should just stop worrying about her. I know she is a dog but she has gotten me through so many things and I have no one else around me for 45 hours a week and my husband and I barely talk right now because he knows she is the most important being in my life and is angry that I seem to care more about her than him...and he has every right to be.

If you read to here, thank you so much. Does anyone have any ideas how I can love Sophie without being so overbearing and nervous about her?

[KentuckyWoman]

I'm a newbie here, but I gave up my job of 15 years to allow my husband to move and move up in his career. I told him the only way I would move is if I could stay home with the kids (and 5 dogs). When you are home that much you become REALLY in tune with your animals. I'm not going to say that's a bad thing. You know them and their habits like nobody else does.

Having said that, it sounds like you have some depression/anxiety. It might help to find a doctor who will listen. For myself, exercise was/is my savior. If I don't get to the gym and sweat at least 4 times I can tell.

Also, I have a little Maltese who is a very picky eater. Have you tried adding a little soft food or shredded chicken with just a tad of broth to his food? If works wonders for Snow, BUT when I do that he expects it forever and has trouble going back to just hard food.

[mybellababy]

Wow my poor dear you have had a very stressful few years. It's time for you to take a breath and try to relax a bit.

You have done a great job at trying to figure out why you pup is not feeling her self. If your Vets are not worried and feel there is nothing wrong that they can find I would look to all the changes that have happened in all of your lives. Sophie has lost people she loves and moved to a new home and I would be sure she feels all your stress.

You could try some foods for her that are not maybe the first choice for health ( this is what we did for Bella when she wasn't eating as she should ) like Cesars wet food or boiled chicken cheese and maybe play a game with her food.

I don't think you are to attached to your dog you love her and she gives you limitless Love.

I think you may need to bring other things into your life to have fun at. Maybe a part time job. The storm is over and sometimes its hard to find a new norm. Have date night with your hubby let him know you need him to.

I do know your stress my hubby was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer this spring and we to are finding a new Norm and it's not always ease.

Do keep in touch and let us know how you are doing Lots of hugs Deb and Bella

[Maximo]

I am very sorry for your losses of your mom and grandparents. That is a lot for any one person to go through, especially when you were a caregiver.

I can relate to worrying a lot about your pup's health and the inevitable day when you will have to say goodbye. I have to remind myself a lot that I can't dwell on that or I will miss out on enjoying my doggies while I have them.

I'm sorry the doctor you tried talking to said "just a dog." Dogs are living beings, members of our family.

Have you looked into support groups or grief, depression counseling in your area? I would look and find people who appreciate pets.

You are right that we can stress out our doggies by stressing about them. They are very much in tune with our feelings. When my boys have been sick or injured, I have a hard time just leaving them alone to rest and recuperate (that is with vet care, of course, but they also need rest and positive energy).

You definitely need to hide the tears and anxiety when she doesn't eat. She might associate eating and food with negative emotions. You mentioned that she often eats at midnight or 1 am. Is that a quieter time in your home? Maybe she feels more relaxed?

Having a daily schedule of activities helps my boys. It's soothing to them to know when to expect things, and I think it makes them eager for their meals. For instance, they love dinner because they know that means their big outing to the park comes soon after.

[deisecailin]

I don't think it's the dog at all. I think you've been through such a tough time that you are fully of anxiety and are putting this over onto the dog. It's not healthy for you to be so full of emotion i.e. spending the day crying when she doesn't eat. You are wearing yourself out. Is there anyone you can talk to about these feelings that could make you feel calm and that you trust to share how you feel. I know you feel anxious about your dog but honestly I don't think a dog will let itself starve so try and relax and just know that you are doing the best you can and go by the vets advice that your dog is okay. I thoroughly 2nd what the other replier said in that I think it would do you the world of good to get out and maybe pick up a bit of part time work or even volunteering somewhere. You need to occupy yourself and do something just for you. I hope you feel better soon but don't be too hard on yourself, you have experienced tough times but try to keep things rational and not let your thoughts run away with themselves. Remember we can't control our emotions but emotions are feed by thoughts and we can control our thoughts. So when you have a thought, ask yourself 'is this rational or irrational' and if it's irrational try not to pay it any attention. Also don't give any attention to 'what if' thoughts. If you have a thought that starts with 'what if' you know this is not rational and is just down to your anxiety and just let it come into your head but go straight out again, don't fixate on them. 'what if' thoughts can drive you made but are not based in reality. The good thing is you know this is irrational behaviour and because you are aware of it you can put into practice ways to try and cope with the irrational thoughts you get. There are lots of books if you are unable to speak to anyone that can help. I found anything written by Dr. Claire Weekes to be invaluable when I was coping with anxiety. I wish you all the best and hope you feel better soon. xx

[rhhh75572]

I'm so sorry for your loss! I am one of the very lucky people who have not lost anyone really close to me, and I thank God for that every day. I have, however, had an obsession. About ten years ago, I had a little Italian greyhound. He was the very first small dog I had ever owned. Italians are so loving and needy. They are VERY velcro, so I became used to having a little body constantly beside me.

One day I let my little boy out into the yard for his play time. I had a privacy, 6 foot fence, so I never worried about him in the back yard. On this day, however, one of the neighbor's boys was playing with his air pump rifle and thought it would be funny to shoot it at my little boy. He climbed my fence and shot my little boy twice. One shot lodged between his spine and heart, and the other shot punctured his lung. I didn't hear the air rifle, so after a little while, I noticed my boy hadn't come back inside. This was strange because he usually ran for a few minutes then came in to crash. When I walked into the backyard to call him, I saw him laying on his side. That was also strange, so I went out to get him. As I walked toward him, I noticed he wasn't moving. Everything after that is surreal.

After this incident, it took me many years before I could get another dog, and I just couldn't bring myself to get another Italian greyhound. I can't even describe what my little boy was like, other than saying he was my heart dog.

After I got Fallyn, I had this terror, not fear, terror, of finding her laying in the backyard. It took me a LONG time before I could let her go outside by herself, and I would still have a panic attack if I looked outside and she was lying in the grass. And she LOVES to lay in the grass, so my heart-attacks happened often!

It has been very hard, but I have had to gradually realize that I cannot keep her from going outside. She loves to lay in the sun and roll on the grass. It wasn't fair of me to not allow her to do these things. And, gradually, I have become able to let her go outside for a little while without watching out the window or pacing in the room. I do, however, still watch the time fanatically.

It will take time, but you will have to slowly start making yourself let go of one little thing at a time. Just take baby steps!

[Jkpal]

Because you love her sooo, try to make her life fun and comfy; she wants to experience your joy and happiness in her---not your fear for her (perfectly understandable). None of us are real comfortable if someone is constantly hovering over us--so to speak--Give her a little space, yourself a little breathing room and enjoy your lovely baby! Enjoy her personality and little quirks and let her just be when you can...I know it's easy to talk the talk, much harder to walk the walk. Baby steps, but really-truly try, ok? Remember to relax and enjoy one another!!! Companionship is the thing--not constant worry, etc. And remember, too, that your worry affects your baby for whom you want only the best!

[yorkiemini]

Wow, you have had a lot of "stuff" thrown at you!
I will ask -- how much exercise do you and your pup get? Walking is great for every being and helps stimulate appetite and is healthy. Helps with depression as well.

Wishing you both well!

[danniko]

Originally Posted by rhhh75572

I'm so sorry for your loss!... Just take baby steps!

I am so sorry to hear about your little Italian, I can only imagine the pain you felt and have probably felt from that. I have only ever lost family dogs and while they hurt, they were my parents' dogs. Thank you for your message though, I definitely know that I am holding her back from having fun because I am scared of what could happen to her.

Originally Posted by Jkpal

Because you love her...And remember, too, that your worry affects your baby for whom you want only the best!

Thank you. I agree that having someone hovering over us is not enjoyable. I boot my husband out of the kitchen when I am in there trying to cook! I just wish I could trust that she is okay. I have this fear that we have missed something. We lost our youngest cat back in February from an undetected heart condition. One minute she was playing and 10 mins later she had passed away...I think this played a huge part in my fear of the unknown with her. I know we have run a lot of tests, but I am always afraid we missed a test or something. I just want her to be happy though, so I am going to definitely try and give her a little more breathing room and try to just enjoy her. We just played a little bit after she picked at her new food (we are trying duck this time around and doesn't seem impressed!)

Originally Posted by mybellababy

Wow my poor dear you have had a very stressful few years...Do keep in touch and let us know how you are doing Lots of hugs Deb and Bella

I am so beyond sorry about your husband, cancer is horrible. The aunt that was diagnosed after my mom is now in palliative care after having a severe stroke and they had to stop the chemo that was keeping her relatively stable.

We have tried other foods she shouldn't have but then we have to deal with major gas and upset tummy. We got a sample of a duck based kibble today to see how she does on that, but so far she seems to not enjoy it either.

To be honest, I never really thought of the stress of moving around and her losing people she loved. Not only did my mom pass away but we lived with my in-laws for 2 years and my dad for a year and she hung around them a lot and she had their dogs to hang around. She hates other dogs, other than the 2 at my in-laws and my dad's 2, so maybe she has just been lonely since moving away from the other people and dogs. We have been here now for a year but she rarely comes anywhere anymore with us.

I will keep you and your husband in my thoughts.

[danniko]

Originally Posted by Maximo

I am very sorry for your losses of your mom and grandparents... For instance, they love dinner because they know that means their big outing to the park comes soon after.

Thank you so much for your words. I haven't really thought about looking for groups around me. My husband saw that suggestion and agreed that I should.

My husband works afternoons so he normally gets home around midnight, so I don't know if that plays a role in why she waits until later. Yesterday he was home all day and she ate around 9:30pm, after we had left her in her pen and gone for a drive. I think my stress just makes her worse. I never thought that maybe she associates not eating with negative emotions. We don't really have a routine here, but that is a good idea. She loves going outside, so maybe I will start taking her out after she eats and see if that makes her happy.

Originally Posted by deisecailin

I don't think it's the dog at all... I wish you all the best and hope you feel better soon. xx

Thank you. I will look into a book, my options of people to talk to are limited. My doctor that helped me a lot moved far away and I can only see her once in a while because she is almost 2 hours away. I didn't go in to detail but I am obsessive with Google. I Google everything about me and about her. I have been afraid of myself having cancer and every twitch or stumble she does I think she is about to have a seizure or random liver issues have started (I have asked the vet over and over and they have reassured me that her liver was perfectly fine and I shouldn't worry. They know her and know how paranoid I am and if they felt that there was anything wrong, they would have been on it)

I actually can't work yet. I have severe social anxiety and am terrified of driving in the snow. My doctor (the one that thinks dogs are just dogs) and I are working on that currently though. I have started to crochet though and have been baking all of my mom's old recipes lately and turns out I am pretty good at baking!

Originally Posted by yorkiemini

Wow, you have had a lot of "stuff" thrown at you!
I will ask -- how much exercise do you and your pup get? Walking is great for every being and helps stimulate appetite and is healthy. Helps with depression as well.

Wishing you both well!

I am ashamed to say that we do not get a lot of exercise. I have trouble getting out of the house somedays. I have taken her for a couple of walks today and yesterday and she seemed to love them. I just kept telling myself that she will be fine and is vaccinated and dogs can walk outside and will be fine.

[Juliealfies mum]

Can you find out about cognitive therapy as it may help by giving you alternative ways with dealing with stress.

[Harrysmum]

[QUOTE=danniko;4602570]





I actually can't work yet. I have severe social anxiety and am terrified of driving in the snow. My doctor (the one that thinks dogs are just dogs) and I are working on that currently though. I have started to crochet though and have been baking all of my mom's old recipes lately and turns out I am pretty good at baking!


How about that? Would it be possible for you to set up a little 'home business', maybe baking cakes and treats? It might get you meeting people a little, too

My heart really bleeds for you - Sally + Harry xx

[deisecailin]

I think it's a great thing that you are finding things like crochet and baking for you to keep yourself occupied. Too much time doing nothing will only allow you to become more anxious.


I think Harry'smum had a great idea of you using your baking to get yourself out there.


I know Google is great but you can go overboard with constantly looking things up. Try and stay off the internet and fill your days with other things that make you happy.


I love to read so I do that (usually fluffy romance novels, nothing too deep) and I also love to get out walking with the dog, that really helps. Physical exercise is a must if you suffer with anxiety.


Sounds like you are starting to do things that are good for you and I hope you continue to enjoy them!

[JadeD]

I am sorry for all that life has throw at you lately. I totally understand how you would be feeling after all that. It is also very scary to know that our pets won't be there forever. Try to enjoy every day, every month, every year that you have her with you.

I currently have 3 Yorkies (1 is my daughter's that lives at home) and 2 are mine. My husband has an English Setter. We had 2 English Setters about 15 months ago, but my English Setter died of cancer, at 4 years old. It is not something I expected and I was devastated. A friend of mine planned to breed her dogs and said I could have a puppy (if and when she had a litter) and I was thrilled, I started looking forward to the day she would tell me that she was expecting a litter. Then something unexpected happened. Someone I know asked me if I wanted a Yorkie, or knew anyone who wanted a Yorkie and Teek came to live with me. This 9 year old Yorkie who just popped into my life unexpectedly and wow, what a change in me. I started to live again. He brought me back to life. Then my friend told me they were expecting puppies! I told my teenage daughter she could have the puppy. She picked the one she wanted, but I fell in love with her brother from the litter. Well, my friend gave us 2 puppies.

Love your dog, don't worry over every little thing. Go for walks, even if they are only a few houses down and back a few times a day. The fresh air will do you both good. Play with the dog, my almost 10 year old Yorkie still loves to play. You need to find a way to not worry so much.

Also, make time for your husband. Go out on dates, even if they are simple things. A marriage takes work and you have to put it in. My husband knows how much I adore my Yorkies, but he also knows that I make time for him and that when push comes to shove he is top dog. The older Yorkie is strictly mine, he absolutely is bonded to me. The puppy though, from day one has been "our" puppy and that puppy loves my husband. He is not jealous of the dogs though because the dogs have me all day long, when my husband gets home I make time for him and give him my attention.

Keep crocheting and baking. Those are good things to do. Staying at home can be a challenge. I have stayed home most of the 18 years I have been married. I have at times taken part time work to help our around here, but nothing long term. I find ways to stay busy and get stuff done and still be able to enjoy the dogs.

Good luck!

[Jkpal]

Yes, yes, yes to walking---even if it's just down the block and back at first. I'm on my feet all night, 5 nights/week and often get home feeling lousy, physically and mentally, but Piper only allows so much decompression time, then it's out the door. And really, truly--every single time, yep every single time, I am feeling better within minutes! Headache recedes, feet are fine and I'm smiling at passers-by and chatting to Pipe. Piper is sooo happy, and usually ready for some chow and a nap once home. Walking is the best medicine ever--you'll both enjoy that time together and will come to look forward to it. Please try walking!