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Old 08-09-2006, 10:41 AM   #1
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Default I'm Losing My Son ....... Need to Vent!

My 23 year old son, Cory informed me last week that sometime between mid-October and November 1 he and his girlfriend are moving to South Carolina to live with her mom - we live in Michigan. He has only been dating Liz for four months and we've only even met her twice!!

He has been wanting to move to warmer climates for a while now and this has been the plan upon graduating from college. However, he has changed schools twice, and blown off an entire semester of credits, so he is still a full year of classes and and internship away from graduating. To make matters worse, he hasn't yet told my husband - which I told him I wasn't going to do! And, he is currently living in an apartment with his sister/our daughter and he pays 1/2 the rent - so he will be leaving 7 months early out of the lease.

Neither one of them have jobs lined up and they are not engaged. He assures me they have talked about their "future" and plan to be together. At the risk of sounding like a total lunatic - wonderful, I'll never really know my future grandchildren either!

I know that we raise our kids to be independent adults, but I feel like he is turning his back on everyone and just walking away. And, as we don't know Liz at all - I feel abandoned. I've tried talking to him and he just gets angry saying their opposite work schedules is why he hasn't brought her around, but that he talks about us all the time. He is going to continue owing his sister rent (cause finding another roommate is not easy), he has a large car payment and I'm quite certain my husband is going to make him pay his own car insurance - so tack another couple hundred each month to the already large tab. He just doesn't seem to "get it". Michigan is not a great state to live in right now, but he has a good paying job and until recently was registered for fall classes. He wants to take a semester off so he will want to go back (usually not what happens) and just doesn't understand that most pay scales are lots less in S. Carolina than in MI.

We have always been very close and my heart is just breaking here. Every time I try to talk to him he just gets defensive and angry. I feel like if I say anything else, he will leave asap just to get away. My daughter also feels like she is losing her brother. They only recently got close and he is now sarcatistic and rude around her.

Just one more reason my little Sissy is so special to me. I can just cuddle her and cuddle her and she loves me right back!!!

Thanks for listening-
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Old 08-09-2006, 10:57 AM   #2
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aww I 'm so sorry, alot of times they don't understand how it really is in the real world, let's just hope that he realizes that and moves back home.... why not suggest to him to move in with her here and your daughter to find a roommate, vs. him leaving to another state? People change when you live with them. Trust me I know I married young and boy it was hard not as easy or fun as it looks.. JMHO... Good luck!
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Old 08-09-2006, 10:58 AM   #3
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That is so sad but sometimes you have to close your eyes and let the lord handle it. I know us as parents we want the best for our kids no matter how old they are but sometimes we have to back down and let them learn from their own mistakes. I am sure he will realize what a big mistake he is going to make because no matter what anyones says "parents" are always right. I never understood that until I had my own children and finally realize that everything my mother told me was always the truth but at that time of my life I didn't want to hear it. I did what I wanted to do and that was the bottom line. Just hang in there....there is a possibility that something goes wrong and he doesn't leave.

I always say that my babies are my therapy. I could be upset and all they have to do is look at me and nothing else matters.
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Old 08-09-2006, 11:14 AM   #4
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i understand there is no stopping him.. so just let him go and do what he has to do. he has to learn on his own... maybe its a good thing for him... dont worry mom, he will always be your son and will always love you.. he will be back...dont get yourself too upset, try not to . he will be ok...
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Old 08-09-2006, 11:21 AM   #5
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As a young adult, I can tell you, when a person is in love or thinks they are in love, anything your parents tell you seems like interference and controlling. Even if your intentions are to protect your son, as they no doubt are, he is going to see you as not being happy for him, trying to control him and will pull further away from you. It is only recently, after I got married and moved away, that I finally realize all the advice my mom gave me over the years was her way of loving me and trying to protect me. Back then I didn't see things that way. All you can do is continue loving your son, and let him know you will always be there for him. You have a right to tell him you don't approve of his choices but keep the door open for him. There is a great chance he will realize his mistake and come back but if you close the lines of communication between you because you don't approve of his actions, he might not have the face to come back when you are proven right.
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Old 08-09-2006, 11:23 AM   #6
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Well sometimes we are blind to everything when we think we are IN LOVE. It sure is heartbreaking for you as you are close to your kids . . . . however, I guess no matter how much advise you give him, when he is set with his plan, nothing you can do to change that. You just hope that he realizes his mistake early enough to be able to get back home.

Yes, with our furbabies it is so much different . . as we all know they will never leave us for someone else!
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Old 08-09-2006, 11:51 AM   #7
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I would be nothing but nice to him from this point forward. Tell him that he has your best wishes for a life in South Carolina. Tell him that he needs to come over to your house to talk with you and hubby. Then when he gets there, tell him that you love him and support his decision to move, but that you are not paying for ANYTHING of his anymore. Tell him the reason you pay for stuff is because you enjoy his company and his sister needs him, and that he is in school. If he doesn't go to school next semester and live with his sister as planned, then you aren't holding up your end of the deal either. You don't want him to think that he can have his cake and eat it, too. If he wants to run off with this girl that he is not engaged to and live like an adult and make adult decisions, then he is going to have to have all the responsibility that comes with it. That includes paying for ALL his own stuff. CUT HIM OFF!
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Old 08-09-2006, 11:59 AM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RLC12345678
I would be nothing but nice to him from this point forward. Tell him that he has your best wishes for a life in South Carolina. Tell him that he needs to come over to your house to talk with you and hubby. Then when he gets there, tell him that you love him and support his decision to move, but that you are not paying for ANYTHING of his anymore. Tell him the reason you pay for stuff is because you enjoy his company and his sister needs him, and that he is in school. If he doesn't go to school next semester and live with his sister as planned, then you aren't holding up your end of the deal either. You don't want him to think that he can have his cake and eat it, too. If he wants to run off with this girl that he is not engaged to and live like an adult and make adult decisions, then he is going to have to have all the responsibility that comes with it. That includes paying for ALL his own stuff. CUT HIM OFF!
Well, Cory already is paying for school, his apartment and his car. The only thing we pay is books, car insurance and the "I need $20" or "can you float me a loan till payday?". But, obviously that will stop and we won't be right there to help him out.

I feel like I'm done discussing this with him, because he isn't going to change his mind anyway. I just want him to tell my husband because I'll be left with damage control and I'm certainly not going to start that voluntarily!! I've already told him that I expect he and his girlfriend for dinner on Sunday nights as that will be our only chance to know her at all. But, of course they can't make this Sunday! I would love to think he'll go there and change his mind, but I don't see that happening unless he and Liz part ways. And then only if he isn't pigheaded!!

Anyhow, thanks everyone for allowing me to vent and sharing with me!
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Old 08-09-2006, 12:04 PM   #9
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It really sux that you're having to deal with this. I am young, so I can't empathize too much. I am married now, but when I was dating, I always made a conscious effort to get to know my boyfriends' parents. I think it is very unusual that she is not making any kind of effort to get to know you. I am sure you would probably feel differently about the whole situation if you just KNEW her, you know? Maybe you can try to explain this to him in a non-confrontational manner.

Best of luck with the whole situation. Just remember that you still have your daughter in Michigan, and of course you still have Miss Sissy
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Old 08-09-2006, 12:10 PM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RLC12345678
I would be nothing but nice to him from this point forward. Tell him that he has your best wishes for a life in South Carolina. Tell him that he needs to come over to your house to talk with you and hubby. Then when he gets there, tell him that you love him and support his decision to move, but that you are not paying for ANYTHING of his anymore. Tell him the reason you pay for stuff is because you enjoy his company and his sister needs him, and that he is in school. If he doesn't go to school next semester and live with his sister as planned, then you aren't holding up your end of the deal either. You don't want him to think that he can have his cake and eat it, too. If he wants to run off with this girl that he is not engaged to and live like an adult and make adult decisions, then he is going to have to have all the responsibility that comes with it. That includes paying for ALL his own stuff. CUT HIM OFF!
Great post. This is exactly what I was going to say. I know I'm only 24 but I think at the age of about 22 (That gives time for 4 years of college) then kids should be cut off anyway. They have to grow up sometime. Once I turned 16 and was able to work I was cut off except having a roof over my head (I paid for my own car, car ins....everything!). At 18 I chose to move out on my own and that was IT. I came back home one time for only a couple months to save up money for a deposit on a place b/c a bad relationship left me without a home.

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Old 08-09-2006, 12:13 PM   #11
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I'm so sorry I don't have children but I can imagine how you must feel. If it's any consolation, I have been away from my mom for 2 years now and I am desperately trying to get closer, I miss her so much. We talk on the phone everyday and have such a close relationship now (I'm 30). I remember being 23 and being so stubborn but the more I was away the more I realized how important being close to my family really is and I'm sure your son will too.

Hugs to you~
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Old 08-09-2006, 12:22 PM   #12
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Sometimes, we as parents have to take a step back, let our children live their lives as they see fit and make their own mistakes - As wrong as it may feel to us. And, remember as when they are young - Once injured, they usually come crying for comfort! If he just happend to be one of the few that doesn't, just take pride in knowing that you and your husband have done the best that you could in raising him!
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Old 08-09-2006, 01:03 PM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RLC12345678
I would be nothing but nice to him from this point forward. Tell him that he has your best wishes for a life in South Carolina. Tell him that he needs to come over to your house to talk with you and hubby. Then when he gets there, tell him that you love him and support his decision to move, but that you are not paying for ANYTHING of his anymore. Tell him the reason you pay for stuff is because you enjoy his company and his sister needs him, and that he is in school. If he doesn't go to school next semester and live with his sister as planned, then you aren't holding up your end of the deal either. You don't want him to think that he can have his cake and eat it, too. If he wants to run off with this girl that he is not engaged to and live like an adult and make adult decisions, then he is going to have to have all the responsibility that comes with it. That includes paying for ALL his own stuff. CUT HIM OFF!

I was going to suggest that myself. At 23, he is a man and if he wants to be off on his own, then he needs to know exactly what that is. I'm already preparing my 15 year old and letting him know now, that once he's out, he's on his own. I'm dreading it too.
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Old 08-09-2006, 01:30 PM   #14
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I have a 23 year old and know how hard it is to ket go but you must I have had to learn to bite my tounge and let him be I was still trying to parent him as a child but he is 23 years old and you must let go.They do come back.My son is talking about going to Australia next year to live for a while but Ill face that challenge when it happens.hang in there.
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Old 08-09-2006, 01:42 PM   #15
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I know exactly how you feel I am going through something similar with my 17 yr old son...he's actually my step-son...but I have raised him since he was little and I have always been the one there for him. He is actually living with his girlfriend (at her moms) right now because he doesn't want to follow any of our rules. He says we treat him like a child...because we didn't allow his girlfriend to stay the night or for him to be out till when ever he felt like coming home or helping with any household chores....so he decided to move out. We live in Missouri...so at 17 yrs old they are no longer considered a Juvenile and the Police will not make him come home. The thing that is really tearing me up is that he has always struggled with school and I don't think he is going to finish high school. I have always been in close contact with his Teachers to try to help him pass his classes and we even paid $250 a month for a year for tutoring when he was younger. He had to repeat 2nd grade in elementary....so he will only be a Junior this coming year and he only has about 7.5 credits He will turn 18 yrs old in Sept. right after school starts. His girlfriend graduated last year. They are wanting to get their own place and get married

I finally told my husband that we had to back off and let him make his own choices....even though we will be the ones crying inside with each mistake or heartbreak he has to go through. Nothing we say or do will be acceptable to him. He just feels like we are trying to tell him what to do and it just pushes him further away...so we have to play the "tough love" card and pray for the best! Another thing that really bothers me is it is tearing up my daughter, his sister....she is only 10 yrs old and she feels like he is abandoning her She just doesn't understand and gets mad at us.

Good luck with your son....at least he graduated high school and went on to college....my hopes of that are slowly shrinking I'm just hoping he will open his eyes....and soon!
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