Me and my big mouth - YorkieTalk.com Forums

JeanieK · 06-25-2006, 06:08 AM

I know I can trust my YT family to give their honest opinions. I'm willing to agree that I might have been out of line. I just want other viewpoints.

This is rather long because the background is imperative to understanding the dynamics.

Yesterday was my Daughters graduation from College. She is 26 and married with two daughters, ages 1 and 2. Her inlaws consist of a mom and dad, an older unmarried sister, late 30's and an older brother 40ish married with two teenage daughters ages 13 and 16. Her inlaws manage to turn EVERY event into a 3 to 5 day affair.

Our family consists of myself and husband, a son in Wales, a daughter in Tennessee, a daughter in Wisconsin, a daughter in my same town, and the daughter I am talking about, who lives in South Dakota plus her twin sister in Kansas.

The in-laws and myself and husband all live in same area, which is 2 1/2 hour drive from the kids of this subject.

The graduation was at 2 pm, which gives plenty of time to drive from Omaha to Sioux Falls.

Two weeks ago my daughter and family were in our area for a weekend family gathering with the in-laws, we saw them for about an hour as they dropped off and picked up their dogs. The in-laws can't deal with the dogs.

A month ago they were down to visit my husband in the hospital, stayed and had supper with me then left again. We had not seen the little olnes since that time.

So for the graduation, all the inlaws went up on Friday. Like I said the always turn every event into a 3 to 5 day affair.. So they were able to visit with the grandkids Friday night and Saturday Morning, before we got there.

My daughter from Tennessee, (who has never seen the youngest child, and the other one only twice), and the twin from Kansas (Who sees the kids only on holidays) all drove up with me on Saturday and got there with just enough time to eat a mcdonalds burger and then go to graduation.

At the graduation we were all sitting in one long row. The inlaws had helped son in law with the little ones because daughter had cap and gown to deal with. Therefore the little ones were sitting with them. The 2 year old came down to me to show me her painted toenails, she was on my lap for less than 2 minutes when the 13 year old called to her and told her to go and see the 16 year old who was at the far end of the row.

I looked down the row and saw the MIL holding the 2 year old and I got pissed. So I went to her and said. "If we all are imposing ourselves on your party, we can move to somewhere else." She apparently didn't know what had taken place so I explained it to her, and told her, you all were up here last night, we are only here for the afternoon.

As a result, after the ceremony they all went home and did not go back to my daughters house for the party. This upset my SIL. My daughter told him to tell his family to stay that she didn't want them to go home, but the MIL claimed to be so upset she had to go home.

Now I admit that it may not have been the time or the place to have confronted her, but the eventual confrontation was inevitible. It was only a matter of time.

My daughter has brought this all up to her husband several times, how his family comes and stays for days and just push themselves in while when we come we come for the day and then go home. He won't talk to his mother about it because she gets so "upset".

I believe the "upset" has always been her way of controlling the family, so no one wants to "upset" her.

OK let me have it. If you need more details just ask.

chattiesmom · 06-25-2006, 06:46 AM

Jeanie, all I want to say is that I am sorry that you hurt. I just want to send you a big

and hopes that you will be able to "fix" the situation. good luck cause I know your heart must be breaking, it really hurts to have grandchildren that you don't get to love on

.

JeanieK · 06-25-2006, 07:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by chattiesmom

Jeanie, all I want to say is that I am sorry that you hurt. I just want to send you a big

and hopes that you will be able to "fix" the situation. good luck cause I know your heart must be breaking, it really hurts to have grandchildren that you don't get to love on

.

Thank you for your genuine empathy. Are you speaking from experience?

I did get to spend time with them, and we had a very nice party. My SIL didn't talk to me the entire time. But I did appologize to my daughter, and to him just before we left. I also intend to emal the MIL and appologize to her, because she just sort of got caught in the middle. I don't want there to be bad relations with my SIL.

I felt bad that they went home, because my daughter had put a lot of work into the house and the party, but it was still a good party even if they were not there, or maybe because they were not there.

I would haved sucked it up and moved on. My daughter did not deserve to be punished, and I probably would not have even mentioned it to anyone until after the party, so as not to interefere with the party spirit. But then I'm pretty tough.

Katys mom · 06-25-2006, 07:50 AM

At some point your son in law is going to have to take control. You are right. I would have said something similar. (I often do, then get myself in trouble) Tell your daughter not to worry. (she is probably silently glad).

Buddy_love · 06-25-2006, 08:29 AM

I wouldn't worry about it. It's unfair and the MIL needs to stop being childish with her 'upset-ness'. I think it's actually important for people to get mad and have arguments, that is how we settle things. We can do it nicely, but it seems like the woman you're describing would get away with it. It's immature that she can get away with something just because she'll get upset- who CARES if she gets upset? YOU are the one that's upset! She shoudn't get away with this just because she'll be upset, that is a horrible excuse and I don't see why the family accepts it.

I wish you the best of luck with your grandchildren and I hope that MIL shapes up soon!

I think what you did was the nicest way you could put it, and it's not your fault she didn't come to the party, it was her decision - she's just trying to make you feel bad so she's the one that's right and you're sorry. I used to have a friend like this and she was the same way. (when i stepped up one day she left the school

)

LuvtheCooper · 06-25-2006, 08:44 AM

First, Congratulations on your daughter's graduation from college...I know you must be so proud of her!! That is great she did that and especially with two little kids!!

Now the other bit...my husband and I have been married 22 years. The first 12 were absolute hell (at various times, not 24/7) with inlaw or should I say outlaw probs. Finally, finally that situation eased up (they got DIL who WERE bit**** and so maybe realized I am not too bad, LOL) anyhoo...what I gained from that experience is that you are not going to change people...nope just not gonna happen!! These people will continue to make everything a 3 -5 day affair and monopolize the grandkids. And as much as your SIL loves you or respects you (I am hoping he does) he will not stand up for you with his parents (he might, but I wouldn't ever count on it) If this family does not want to "upset" the mother...they will NEVER want to upset her. So anyhow, what I am saying is you can't change them, you just can't. So my advice is to know this in advance and work it so that you get to spend the time you need to with your grandkids when they aren't part of the picture. Of if it is a big family type thing, like this graduation, just put yourself in there, go get that baby and hold her if you want too. I just don't think speaking up at the event is going to get you anywhere. And I am not blaming you at all for saying what you did...that is what you felt...I am just saying it won't accomplish what you want..(LOL, I learned this the VERY hard way) Anyway, my two cents is really that you cannot change other people, only how you react to them. Again, I offer my congrats to your whole family and hope this works out for you cause family problems really really SUCK!!

Chelsey · 06-25-2006, 12:23 PM

URGH!!!! I KNOW too well what family issues sound/feel like, it sux! We have one in the family called the "drama queen" she is forever flipping her lid and going overboard on everything, no matter what you say or do, it's never any good lol... There's no way she will ever change, she likes to be the bell of the ball and if she can't get her way, she'll pout like my yorkies do LOL

My brother actually was telling us a joke this afternoon. (if you see your MIL walking through the gate and she's wobbling, shoot her again, cuz you didnt do it right first time)

JeanieK · 06-25-2006, 12:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LuvtheCooper

.....Anyway, my two cents is really that you cannot change other people, only how you react to them. Again, I offer my congrats to your whole family and hope this works out for you cause family problems really really SUCK!!

Had to laugh at this one. That is the exact same advice that I am constantly giving other people. Maybe I should listen to myself once in a while.

My DD told me today that her DH told her that I don't like his family, and that is the reason why I did not stay up there after the birth of their children. I go up for the delivery, but when his family shows up we leave, shortly afterwards.

But there too, they make it a 3 day event. I know my daughter, and I know that she will try to be the hostess, even from her hospital bed. I know when she is stressed and I try not to add to it. So even though she asks me not to leave, she is also thanking me for understanding.

These people are clueless. I am actually hopping that some good will come of this. I wrote an email to the MIL, and apologized for, but also explained, my actions.

I know one cannot change other people, but sometimes they do change on thier own if you change your reaction. so this time instead of backing off, as I usually do, and having them think I am standoffish, which I am not, I changed my reaction, so maybe they will change thier ways.

One can always hope

Tiggerwit · 06-25-2006, 01:30 PM

I'm confused... are you upset because the little girl was sitting on her other grandma's lap and not yours? because other grandma was going to have more time to see her then you? and so you popped off on her?

or did I miss something?

deb4air · 06-25-2006, 01:42 PM

Hugs to you and yours

LuvtheCooper · 06-25-2006, 01:47 PM

Yes, one can always "hope" and maybe they just didn't realize how monopolizing they were being and will be more considerate next time...I just wouldn't count on it, LOL!!
Sounds like you and your daughter have a wonderful relationship, and her seeing the MIL ways, she probably appreciates you even more! I know I do with my mom, I didn't realize what a gift she gives me by not always offering advice unless I ask for it, or always telling me the "best" way to do things. When you have a great example and a not so great example, your come to appreciate the great one...I know how to be a good MIL (long time from now hopefully) just by seeing the way my mom is and the way my MIL is!! Anyhow, I wouldn't let her monopolize those grandkids, just get in there and grandma away!!

JeanieK · 06-25-2006, 02:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tiggerwit

I'm confused... are you upset because the little girl was sitting on her other grandma's lap and not yours? because other grandma was going to have more time to see her then you? and so you popped off on her?

or did I miss something?

I was upset because the niece called to her when she was on my lap and told her that the other niece wanted to see her to get her off of my lap. She deliberately lurred her away from me.

Then the MIL was so "upset " that she had to go home, and the entire family left and didn't go to my daughters party after she had been cleaning redecorating and shopping for two weeks planning it. My daughter did not do anything to them.

txshopper73 · 06-25-2006, 02:27 PM

I don't think that it was good timing on your part but what they did was not right either. I cannot stand men that don't have a pair to save their lives...my husband included in that!

mommiesboy · 06-25-2006, 02:56 PM

My husband and I are going through this and it is a real hassle!!
You have to understand ,I am the step- grandma here so that does make a difference BUT--I am getting ahead of myself
My step son is married to a lady that I have known since she was 15 yrs.old I have known her Mother that long also

.When I first heard that they were getting married I know my mouth fell open,

whatever she wants,she gets and if she says jump,she expects you to do it NOW!!Jim,my SS and his wife got married 5 yrs. ago,the DIL had a 4 yr.old daughter by her first husband.When the DIL got pregnant her Mom took pretty much all control over how,when ,where and why.My husband and I were the only ones in the hospital when the granddaughter was born and she is totally beautiful!!IOnly because the MIL was keeping the other granddaughter at her house.Jim's daughter has just turned turned 4 and I have never babysat with her and I can truthfully say that we have not been able to visit in the sons home more than 5 or 6 times but what the MIL is there.She and her husband even go on all the vacations with the son and DIL.
There have never been any unkind words said but the FIL has at times said to MIL in a meek voice to let me or my husband have a few minutes with the granddaughter.I am keeping my mouth shut but let me tell you,if I thought for one moment that it wouldn't come back on my husband ,I would tell that MIL witch just what I have always thought of her and that is the truth!!Instead I will steam inside and watch this beautiful little girl grow up from a distance.
I am so sorry you are going through this and I pray that you all get the issue resolved and end up friends

If for no other reason than the sake of the grandchildren.

06-25-2006, 06:08 AM	#1
JeanieK Donating YT 12K Club Member Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Council Bluffs Iowa Posts: 12,552	Me and my big mouth I know I can trust my YT family to give their honest opinions. I'm willing to agree that I might have been out of line. I just want other viewpoints. This is rather long because the background is imperative to understanding the dynamics. Yesterday was my Daughters graduation from College. She is 26 and married with two daughters, ages 1 and 2. Her inlaws consist of a mom and dad, an older unmarried sister, late 30's and an older brother 40ish married with two teenage daughters ages 13 and 16. Her inlaws manage to turn EVERY event into a 3 to 5 day affair. Our family consists of myself and husband, a son in Wales, a daughter in Tennessee, a daughter in Wisconsin, a daughter in my same town, and the daughter I am talking about, who lives in South Dakota plus her twin sister in Kansas. The in-laws and myself and husband all live in same area, which is 2 1/2 hour drive from the kids of this subject. The graduation was at 2 pm, which gives plenty of time to drive from Omaha to Sioux Falls. Two weeks ago my daughter and family were in our area for a weekend family gathering with the in-laws, we saw them for about an hour as they dropped off and picked up their dogs. The in-laws can't deal with the dogs. A month ago they were down to visit my husband in the hospital, stayed and had supper with me then left again. We had not seen the little olnes since that time. So for the graduation, all the inlaws went up on Friday. Like I said the always turn every event into a 3 to 5 day affair.. So they were able to visit with the grandkids Friday night and Saturday Morning, before we got there. My daughter from Tennessee, (who has never seen the youngest child, and the other one only twice), and the twin from Kansas (Who sees the kids only on holidays) all drove up with me on Saturday and got there with just enough time to eat a mcdonalds burger and then go to graduation. At the graduation we were all sitting in one long row. The inlaws had helped son in law with the little ones because daughter had cap and gown to deal with. Therefore the little ones were sitting with them. The 2 year old came down to me to show me her painted toenails, she was on my lap for less than 2 minutes when the 13 year old called to her and told her to go and see the 16 year old who was at the far end of the row. I looked down the row and saw the MIL holding the 2 year old and I got pissed. So I went to her and said. "If we all are imposing ourselves on your party, we can move to somewhere else." She apparently didn't know what had taken place so I explained it to her, and told her, you all were up here last night, we are only here for the afternoon. As a result, after the ceremony they all went home and did not go back to my daughters house for the party. This upset my SIL. My daughter told him to tell his family to stay that she didn't want them to go home, but the MIL claimed to be so upset she had to go home. Now I admit that it may not have been the time or the place to have confronted her, but the eventual confrontation was inevitible. It was only a matter of time. My daughter has brought this all up to her husband several times, how his family comes and stays for days and just push themselves in while when we come we come for the day and then go home. He won't talk to his mother about it because she gets so "upset". I believe the "upset" has always been her way of controlling the family, so no one wants to "upset" her. OK let me have it. If you need more details just ask.

06-25-2006, 06:46 AM	#2
chattiesmom Donating YT 10K Club Member Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: Alabama Posts: 17,674	Jeanie, all I want to say is that I am sorry that you hurt. I just want to send you a big and hopes that you will be able to "fix" the situation. good luck cause I know your heart must be breaking, it really hurts to have grandchildren that you don't get to love on . __________________ Silk Step-In Harnesses www.foxypups.etsy.com

06-25-2006, 08:29 AM	#5
Buddy_love Yorkie Yakker Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: California Posts: 66	I wouldn't worry about it. It's unfair and the MIL needs to stop being childish with her 'upset-ness'. I think it's actually important for people to get mad and have arguments, that is how we settle things. We can do it nicely, but it seems like the woman you're describing would get away with it. It's immature that she can get away with something just because she'll get upset- who CARES if she gets upset? YOU are the one that's upset! She shoudn't get away with this just because she'll be upset, that is a horrible excuse and I don't see why the family accepts it. I wish you the best of luck with your grandchildren and I hope that MIL shapes up soon! I think what you did was the nicest way you could put it, and it's not your fault she didn't come to the party, it was her decision - she's just trying to make you feel bad so she's the one that's right and you're sorry. I used to have a friend like this and she was the same way. (when i stepped up one day she left the school ) __________________ R.I.P Buddy! You were the best little angel! New YT Acct: Yorkie Kisses

06-25-2006, 08:44 AM	#6
LuvtheCooper & LuvtheCarley too! Donating Member Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: Wa State/Texas Posts: 1,625	First, Congratulations on your daughter's graduation from college...I know you must be so proud of her!! That is great she did that and especially with two little kids!! Now the other bit...my husband and I have been married 22 years. The first 12 were absolute hell (at various times, not 24/7) with inlaw or should I say outlaw probs. Finally, finally that situation eased up (they got DIL who WERE bit**** and so maybe realized I am not too bad, LOL) anyhoo...what I gained from that experience is that you are not going to change people...nope just not gonna happen!! These people will continue to make everything a 3 -5 day affair and monopolize the grandkids. And as much as your SIL loves you or respects you (I am hoping he does) he will not stand up for you with his parents (he might, but I wouldn't ever count on it) If this family does not want to "upset" the mother...they will NEVER want to upset her. So anyhow, what I am saying is you can't change them, you just can't. So my advice is to know this in advance and work it so that you get to spend the time you need to with your grandkids when they aren't part of the picture. Of if it is a big family type thing, like this graduation, just put yourself in there, go get that baby and hold her if you want too. I just don't think speaking up at the event is going to get you anywhere. And I am not blaming you at all for saying what you did...that is what you felt...I am just saying it won't accomplish what you want..(LOL, I learned this the VERY hard way) Anyway, my two cents is really that you cannot change other people, only how you react to them. Again, I offer my congrats to your whole family and hope this works out for you cause family problems really really SUCK!! __________________ Delaina Cooper & Carley

06-25-2006, 12:23 PM	#7
Chelsey My2Pearls Chelsey & Chanel YT Donator Join Date: Feb 2005 Location: N Posts: 4,097	URGH!!!! I KNOW too well what family issues sound/feel like, it sux! We have one in the family called the "drama queen" she is forever flipping her lid and going overboard on everything, no matter what you say or do, it's never any good lol... There's no way she will ever change, she likes to be the bell of the ball and if she can't get her way, she'll pout like my yorkies do LOL My brother actually was telling us a joke this afternoon. (if you see your MIL walking through the gate and she's wobbling, shoot her again, cuz you didnt do it right first time) __________________ Proud member of the crazy club

06-25-2006, 07:50 AM	#4
Katys mom I love yorkie kisses Donating Member Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: Oklahoma Posts: 1,751	At some point your son in law is going to have to take control. You are right. I would have said something similar. (I often do, then get myself in trouble) Tell your daughter not to worry. (she is probably silently glad).

06-25-2006, 01:30 PM	#9
Tiggerwit Just me 'n my boys Donating Member Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: Murphy, TX Posts: 4,596	I'm confused... are you upset because the little girl was sitting on her other grandma's lap and not yours? because other grandma was going to have more time to see her then you? and so you popped off on her? or did I miss something? __________________ "Be kinder than necessary, for everyone is fighting some kind of battle." Alphy 's Roxy

06-25-2006, 01:42 PM	#10
deb4air Donating YT 2000 Club Member Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: new york Posts: 3,168	Hugs to you and yours __________________ Deb and Miss Mini

06-25-2006, 01:47 PM	#11
LuvtheCooper & LuvtheCarley too! Donating Member Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: Wa State/Texas Posts: 1,625	Yes, one can always "hope" and maybe they just didn't realize how monopolizing they were being and will be more considerate next time...I just wouldn't count on it, LOL!! Sounds like you and your daughter have a wonderful relationship, and her seeing the MIL ways, she probably appreciates you even more! I know I do with my mom, I didn't realize what a gift she gives me by not always offering advice unless I ask for it, or always telling me the "best" way to do things. When you have a great example and a not so great example, your come to appreciate the great one...I know how to be a good MIL (long time from now hopefully) just by seeing the way my mom is and the way my MIL is!! Anyhow, I wouldn't let her monopolize those grandkids, just get in there and grandma away!! __________________ Delaina Cooper & Carley

06-25-2006, 02:27 PM	#13
txshopper73 Donating YT 14K Club Member Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: Texas Posts: 14,226 Blog Entries: 1	I don't think that it was good timing on your part but what they did was not right either. I cannot stand men that don't have a pair to save their lives...my husband included in that! __________________ As always...JMO (Just My Opinion) Kimberley

06-25-2006, 02:56 PM	#14
mommiesboy Donating Senior Yorkie Talker Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: Indiana Posts: 251	My husband and I are going through this and it is a real hassle!! You have to understand ,I am the step- grandma here so that does make a difference BUT--I am getting ahead of myself My step son is married to a lady that I have known since she was 15 yrs.old I have known her Mother that long also .When I first heard that they were getting married I know my mouth fell open, whatever she wants,she gets and if she says jump,she expects you to do it NOW!!Jim,my SS and his wife got married 5 yrs. ago,the DIL had a 4 yr.old daughter by her first husband.When the DIL got pregnant her Mom took pretty much all control over how,when ,where and why.My husband and I were the only ones in the hospital when the granddaughter was born and she is totally beautiful!!IOnly because the MIL was keeping the other granddaughter at her house.Jim's daughter has just turned turned 4 and I have never babysat with her and I can truthfully say that we have not been able to visit in the sons home more than 5 or 6 times but what the MIL is there.She and her husband even go on all the vacations with the son and DIL. There have never been any unkind words said but the FIL has at times said to MIL in a meek voice to let me or my husband have a few minutes with the granddaughter.I am keeping my mouth shut but let me tell you,if I thought for one moment that it wouldn't come back on my husband ,I would tell that MIL witch just what I have always thought of her and that is the truth!!Instead I will steam inside and watch this beautiful little girl grow up from a distance. I am so sorry you are going through this and I pray that you all get the issue resolved and end up friends If for no other reason than the sake of the grandchildren. __________________ Believe In the Magic !!