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Old 11-15-2007, 08:59 AM   #1
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Unhappy Grumpy Bridesmaid!

I am a bridesmaid AGAIN to my other best friend. (my other one just got married a month ago). Now this friend got engaged to her ex, they went from 'single' to engaged overnight last weekend and she is DIVING headfirst into the wedding planning for Oct next year. Plenty of time and all but she is gung ho about planning, all crazy!

I am a grumpy bridesmaid. 2 years ago I was engaged to a guy I was with for almost 10 years. He broke it off and since then I cannot seem to muster any enthusiasm for marriage, weddings, etc... I have no trust in men anymore, I have a HUGE fear of commitment, and I don't believe in the integrity of relationships and marriage at all anymore. So now i have like 5 people around me getting married, 1 im in, 2 I have to go to all next year. I swear its all wedding talk around me 24/7.

I know Im a big baby and I need to get OVER IT! But I don't know how to. Ive been to therapy, Ive read EVERY self-help book on getting over a relationship, a loss, a divorce, etc... and nothing has helped! Im still sooo , bitter and by it and its been over 2 years since we split and my life is pretty good. Except Im 31, single and WANT to be married, want a partner, children, etc... but am too scared and too jaded to even give anyone a shot! Then I am depressed that I have noone!! I feel like I am NOT normal at all!

Worst part is, and I think this is a real issue, I never told my ex OFF . I have always been so careful to be nice . Like I needed him to see that IM not a psycho female like he says all females are. I dont know why I still feel the need to prove that. I NEED and should just tell him off and get him out of my life for good. When I start to get cranky on text or email he signs off cuz he does not want to hear it. Everything needs to be sooo pleasant and happy for him all the time. Hes such an idiotic, ignorant meat head and I need to get him out of my life for good! Im thinking about writing a letter telling him everything I feel, it will be a letter to make him realize the depth of what he did and how he cannot make it up to me EVER and it will (hopefully) make him not want to contact me EVER AGAIN!!!

Thanks for reading!
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Old 11-15-2007, 11:00 AM   #2
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I am so sorry you feel this way. My 33 year old daughter is going thru the same thing. She has trusted someone and been hurt very badly. It was years before she trusted someone again...and guess what...the bum wouldn't stand by her in times of crises. She is just now starting to date again but only as friends. I don't know if she will ever trust or put her wall down again. All I can say to both of you is that when the RIGHT guy comes along, you will know it. Chin up girlfriend...don't let the guys get you down 'cause you are worth more.
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Old 11-15-2007, 11:49 AM   #3
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It feels like guys my age do not want to grow up, they don't want to settle down (stop hitting up the bars with the guys every weekend), they don't want to commit. They have nothing in life, most that Ive bumped into live at home still even. Or are moving back home because they are going back to college or something. I just want a guy who is independant. I am VERY indepandant in every way. I have very little family around here and I own a house, have a good job, Im going to school in January nights... but I am not moving 'home' to do that. Its gets very discouraging!
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Old 11-15-2007, 12:09 PM   #4
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cheer up doll face.. its going to be ok... seem rough now, but you will
find a nice man and you will committ.. i felt the same way you do, going
through a bad divorce and after that another breakup with someone else after
4 years.. you do get over it.. it took me 2 years to want to be with another
man again.. and guess what,, my ex husband regrets ever divorcing me.
ha ha ha. he hates his life now, stillmarried, but separated and lives with
his mom and doesnt have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of..
you will change your mind someday... this will all be the past..
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Old 11-15-2007, 12:32 PM   #5
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I've been through exactly the same thing except I'm 32 and we were together for 11 years. And I had the exact same trust issues, it's normal to feel this way.

However, it's been 2 years. You need some closure or you will never be able to move on. You need to ask yourself why you haven't removed him from your life yet and deal with those issues. Write this down "Why do I allow him to still be a part of my life?" Think about it for a while and then jot down some answers. You'll be surprised at what comes out.

I think the letter to him is a great idea! Here's my suggestion, write the letter but don't send it just yet. Get all of your feelings out on paper and tell him just what he did to you and exactly how you feel. Be honest with your feelings. Put the letter away for at least two weeks and then reread it and decide whether or not you still want to send it. Odds are that just writing everything down will help you to deal with the emotions you have been feeling all this time and have kept bottled up. Only after you've acknowledged those feelings will you be strong enough to move on to your new life and leave him behind!
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Old 11-15-2007, 12:39 PM   #6
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Sorry that your feeling this way... Though you have to try and stay positive about things After the rain, the sun always shines my dear Things will get better...
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Old 11-15-2007, 12:44 PM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by drawlins27 View Post
I've been through exactly the same thing except I'm 32 and we were together for 11 years. And I had the exact same trust issues, it's normal to feel this way.

However, it's been 2 years. You need some closure or you will never be able to move on. You need to ask yourself why you haven't removed him from your life yet and deal with those issues. Write this down "Why do I allow him to still be a part of my life?" Think about it for a while and then jot down some answers. You'll be surprised at what comes out.

I think the letter to him is a great idea! Here's my suggestion, write the letter but don't send it just yet. Get all of your feelings out on paper and tell him just what he did to you and exactly how you feel. Be honest with your feelings. Put the letter away for at least two weeks and then reread it and decide whether or not you still want to send it. Odds are that just writing everything down will help you to deal with the emotions you have been feeling all this time and have kept bottled up. Only after you've acknowledged those feelings will you be strong enough to move on to your new life and leave him behind!

Thanks for the advice I have written him about 100 letters. Another one last night. I know I won't send it but I keep writing them anyways, hoping one day the anger, bitterness will go away.
Also you are right... I SOOOO need to purge him from my life!!! Actually I need to also get rid of all the wedding stuff too. I think Im going to take it all to good will. Ive tried to sell it bc I could use the money badly but it won't sell. I guess wedding gowns are not big sellers except in a bridal store. So Im going to throw away the remaining EVERYTHING from the wedding that I had so that I can get it out of my house. Just knowing its there keeps it too close to the front of my mind. And HE needs to go too!

Thanks ladies... I wish I were not going through this at 31 though!!! I REALLY want a husband and child. I just need to find the right guy for me and it takes time. Guess Im just slow at finding *him*!! I could kick myself for spending sooo much time with the WRONG guy... but whats done is done! No regrets!
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Old 11-15-2007, 12:54 PM   #8
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You are very young. 31 isnt too late to still have everything you want. I think you are right to get rid of everything including the ex. It will be very hard to get over him if you still have contact. I had a boyfriend stab me in the back when I thought we were going to be married, I said all the things I wanted to say, all the things you can never take back. You need to tell him how you feel for closure, then walk away and dont look back. Everything good is ahead of you.
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Old 11-15-2007, 01:54 PM   #9
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If you think sending the letter will help you let him go then go for it. If you're deeply hoping he'll have a change of heart because of what he did don't even bother writing it. The right one will come along.
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Old 11-15-2007, 06:46 PM   #10
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I am sorry you are so hurt over what your ex did!!! I think you should write the letter BUT you don't have to mail it if you don't want to!!!!!!!!!!! I have done this before ....my sister is soooooo mean to me and I never stand up to her.... I wrote her the longest letter ever telling her exactly how I felt but I never mailed it to her. BUT I felt sooooo much better.
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Old 11-15-2007, 07:16 PM   #11
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WOW! Are you me? I swear i could have written that myself except I am 33. I had major issues with my ex not committing after a long relationship, so i broke it off.

I want a child so bad. For now, my dogs and my cat are my babies.

I know someone will come for me, hopefully soon.
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Old 11-16-2007, 06:32 AM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GinosMommy View Post
WOW! Are you me? I swear i could have written that myself except I am 33. I had major issues with my ex not committing after a long relationship, so i broke it off.

I want a child so bad. For now, my dogs and my cat are my babies.

I know someone will come for me, hopefully soon.
Please don't take this the wrong way. I am kind of happy to hear I am not alone!!! It seems like all around me people are getting married, and even those stories that I read, on websites and hear on the radio/tv etc, they are getting married at 19, 20, 21... etc... Where is MY MAN??? HAHA

I am generally happy with my life. I am going to college in january to finally finish my bach degree (I have 11 classes left) and I have my own townhouse (honestly I live in a nicer place than most of my married friends can afford) so I do pretty good financially for myself, I have a career. I have my 2 dogs. I travel a bit! I wish I had more financial freedom but I chose to buy my townhouse and it sucks up most of my money. But overall I have my health, Im not unattractive, Im social, fun, have a good sense of humor. I am happy with me mostly. This one *blip* on my life (broken engagement) took me down sooooooo HARD! GGGGRRRRR

So I guess
CHEERS to all the 30 somethings (I turn 30something (31) in 3 days!!!) who are holding out for the PERFECT MAN!!!!
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