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Old 11-30-2019, 08:48 PM   #1
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Unlove RE: My Tibbe Boy Thread I posted in September

Just hated waiting so long to re-connect to you guys again but just couldn't face the reality of the pain and loss and rawness of feeling associated with that thread. I wanted so badly to go right then and bring my Tibbe home again! I couldn't bear his not being here with me, not touching him, not having my boy. I almost dressed and got the ladies' address from Danny and started driving toward where he is several times! I wanted/want him back so desperately. Only the thought of his little sighs of disappointment stopped me. It's been hell.

I read every one of your wonderful posts of support on it, some blessedly short and sweet, some wonderfully loquacious, insightful and poetic, beautiful deep expressions of support, nurturing and love and encouragement. All were read, reread, read again and again and wept over, some bringing smiles with the tears and some bout after bout of rank awful sobbing. The words were so lovely, so profound, so heartfelt, I could tell you all understood the motive behind giving up my Tibbe Boy for a better life still ahead for him. He deserved a far better life than he was getting here. And i was immediately blessed with a insightful, active home life for him or I know I'd likely have backed out but it all happened that first day, thank God. I didn't feel peace with the decision (who could?) but I felt led to give Tibbe to the blessed lady who offered to take him that first day.

Still can't think much or talk about him without getting deeply depressed and grief-stricken anew, but little Tibbe was still so vital, so feisty, happy and animated that his little disappointed look and tiny Yorkie sigh, downcast little eyes when asking to play, walk, work and being turned down because I couldn't physically respond, that I couldn't watch him have to live like that any longer. He'd almost given up asking - and that was what finally did it. He was tired of getting turned down! I realized I had to give my little sweetheart the fun, active life he deserves still to have for as long as he can physically respond. He's that kind of special Yorkie, a true once-in-a-lifetime, special, special ♥ star of a dog. Better stop talking about him, it just hurts too much, starts the longing for him up again. Can't go there.

The long and short of it is, I intended to respond to each and every post on the "My Tibbe Boy" thread, as I deeply felt and appreciated each of those posts so dearly, especially since, at the time, my feeling was that anything less would be outright disrespectful of such cherished people who could produce such a beautiful outpouring of understanding and sustenance in those posts to me after what I'd done. Especially at a time when I expected nothing but rebuffs and rejections as a forum member for my actions.

But the thing is, I'm having to take the coward's way out. That "My Tibbe Boy" thread is still so painfully raw, so rooted in despair and hurt and deep, deep loss and longing I feared facing it again, so I've just stayed off Yorkietalk. Right now, I can't revisit the bare despair I felt in posting that thread, even to address and respond to each and every one of your blessed posts.

Short and sweet or lyrical and poetically deep, each post meant and means the world to me as I recall them. But I can't look at them again, maybe not ever. And I thank each and every one of you for your words that touched me like velvet, wrapping me in nothing but love and protection. Your words and thoughts mean so much to me, both then and now. But I'm still in the denial phase, can't allow myself to even think of my dear little Tibbe Boy without the beginning of that total despair of loss and I just can't face it. So I do ANYTHING I can to get my thoughts quickly turned off should my boy come to mind. I swear I'd slam my finger in a door to keep from even thinking of him right now. To go there is just to suffer and want, want him back. I don't want to bring up any memories right now, the loss and longing is still way too strong. I'm ashamed to admit but I am so jealous of the lovely lady who has him I can't bear the thought.

I KNOW he's better off, living the life he so so so deserves and know I made the right decision for him and that's all I can manage now. So I can't revisit that thread, may never be able to again without all of that horror flooding back so I can't and won't go there.

But I felt if I waited any longer to give each and every poster on that thread a virtual hug and "thank you, dearest one", I couldn't live with myself. Truth be told, this is way too late to respond but I couldn't figure out a way to do it and avoid the hurt associated with posting that awful thread until tonight.

So, one and ALL, for ALL those inspiring and beautiful words, for just responding kindly, I THANK YOU for being there for me when I so very badly needed help. You carried me through a dark, awful, wretched and dark, dark hateful time and I'll never forget you for it. Biggest hugs and love to you all. I heartily mean that!!! Yorkietalk is a lifeline sometimes. Love you all. Love, Jeanie - and my Tibbe Boy from afar
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Old 11-30-2019, 11:32 PM   #2
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Jeanie, it is good to see you here. I know you are hurting, and will probably always hurt. I have a lot I would like to say, but I don't want to cause more pain. Just know that I believe you are truly a hero for putting your feeling aside and making what you believe was the right choice for your beloved Tibbe. Sending healing and
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Old 12-01-2019, 07:30 AM   #3
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Jeanie, it is good to see you here. I know you are hurting, and will probably always hurt. I have a lot I would like to say, but I don't want to cause more pain. Just know that I believe you are truly a hero for putting your feeling aside and making what you believe was the right choice for your beloved Tibbe. Sending healing and
Thank you for the kindness though I'm far, far from a hero. I'm not so sensitive now, just can't revisit that awful thread but I can hear talk about and talk about Tibbe myself now on an intellectual level, certainly not the heart level yet, knowing he's happily active again! No Yorkielover could look at their baby dog wanting for his fun, active, happy lifestyle and not being able to live it and realize he was being deprived, and about to start settling for that; and refuse to act for his well-being. He's been raised to be self-sufficient, independent and happy-natured and he's a little survivor. He has to have structured activities or he'll grow old far too soon. I've seen the dogs of old people have to do that and can't stand to see it if the dog is a working dog at heart, still able and wanting to live an active, funloving lifestyle working and training, if only his owner were up to it. Many of their dogs eventually just give up to that sedentary lifestyle out of frustration.

Tibbe will do fine as long as he's with somebody who can keep up with him, indulge his daily need to actively work during the day and perform for happy praise and the occasional treat until he himself chooses to slow down. He's like those highly-motivated military working dogs, ALWAYS pushing you for work/training, games, always driving you to teach him new skills and living for the praise and attention and his "paycheck" treat in the process and sad when he couldn't get to work much. He lives for working and training, having fun searching out, figuring out things and finding them, staying a step ahead of his trainer, showing off his smarts to his audience, being a natural star. He's got that back now, bless his little heart, and it is so good to know that my little star is active and shining again.
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Old 12-01-2019, 09:38 AM   #4
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Hi Jeanie, it’s so nice to hear from you. I hope you are feeling better. Your writing of Tibbe is always so heartfelt. I’ll say it again you are a strong and amazing lady! It was very mature to do what you did for Tibbe. You did what was right, I fully support you! Your presence back here and sharing your experiences are wonderful!
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Old 12-01-2019, 10:16 AM   #5
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Hi Jeanie, itís so nice to hear from you. I hope you are feeling better. Your writing of Tibbe is always so heartfelt. Iíll say it again you are a strong and amazing lady! It was very mature to do what you did for Tibbe. You did what was right, I fully support you! Your presence back here and sharing your experiences are wonderful!
Yes, the time away doing my best to forget helped and healed a bit on the intellectual level and even though it will hurt at times, being a total doglover, I couldn't manage to leave Yorkietalking out of my life any longer. Like anyone who has lost their baby, I just know to steer wide of things that go to straight into the heart and stay clinical if I can. It's no longer a purely positive experience here due to some thread subjects but it's better than doing totally without Yorkietalking!!! I sure missed you all!

So no treading gently with me, like many of us now without our best little buddies anymore, I'll just opt out if can't manage something quite yet and know you all get it from being there yourselves. But a doglover without a dog or even a dog forum of the like-minded is a pitiful mess! And an active, curious mind finally gets tired of the heart doing all that suffering and tries to take normal back again, haha.
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Old 12-01-2019, 06:33 PM   #6
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So glad to hear that you are feeling stronger, and that you have returned to YT. I admire you for your ability and willingness to put your beloved Tibbe first, and hope that you continue your healing process. May you be comforted by memories of the sweet times you shared together.
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Old 12-01-2019, 07:14 PM   #7
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So glad to hear that you are feeling stronger, and that you have returned to YT. I admire you for your ability and willingness to put your beloved Tibbe first, and hope that you continue your healing process. May you be comforted by memories of the sweet times you shared together.
Thank you for your kind words. One day I can try to remember but for now, am working hard to forget as memories only make me want him back so bad. So bad. If I think much about it, I want him back more than I can bear. Better I just think of him no longer having to sigh away his desires to play and work, go walkies and be his happy, feisty self with somebody who can keep up with his pace and his powerful work ethic. That little dog is a force unto himself! You cannot lose that powerful a force and love from your life without more pain than one can sanely cope with so the best thing is to talk about him as little as possible and stay away from the things that hurt so hard, most of the memories, until I have healed more. But on here, I find myself just naturally posting about things he did and it's really hurting again.

Still, at first talking about him a bit helped some but am getting dangerously close to remembering too much since I got back on and started posting more and more, I was so eager to "talk dogs". Don't want to go there yet so if I kind of disappear for a while yet, it'll just be to lick my wounds a while longer and go dark as I can on the too fresh memories. They still hurt so much and make me remember how much I still want him back, all the while knowing I cannot do that to him as he deserves a full, happy, very active, working and social life still and thankfully he has that again. He's happiest when he's living that lifestyle and my dear little boy's happiness matters most of all. I love him so dearly.
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Old 12-02-2019, 06:27 AM   #8
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So sorry for all that you are going through....hugs
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Old 12-02-2019, 11:49 AM   #9
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So sorry for all that you are going through....hugs
Hi, Betty. Oh, we've all been through some stuff and make it. Not one of us sails through life without some stuff. I'm making it. How're you doing, Betty? Are you and yours okay? I haven't been on the site to read posts for the longest time so kind of lost track with everyone. Are things okay? Great to 'talk' to you again.
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Old 12-02-2019, 07:09 PM   #10
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i don't get on yorkietalk as much as I once did. But like coming on and seeing people from the good ole days. And I was so happy to see this post. As I was wondering how things were going. Big hugs















Big hugs
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Old 12-03-2019, 08:39 AM   #11
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I am so sorry for all that you had to go through but glad you came back on YT. Sending hugs.
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Old 12-03-2019, 11:45 AM   #12
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i don't get on yorkietalk as much as I once did. But like coming on and seeing people from the good ole days. And I was so happy to see this post. As I was wondering how things were going. Big hugs

Big hugs
Many thanks and hearts & hugs back to you!
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Old 12-03-2019, 11:47 AM   #13
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I am so sorry for all that you had to go through but glad you came back on YT. Sending hugs.
Bless you, Lisa. So glad to be able to be back and seeing what's going on. Hearts and hugs back to you.
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