yorkietalkjilly | 11-30-2019 08:48 PM | RE: My Tibbe Boy Thread I posted in September Just hated waiting so long to re-connect to you guys again but just couldn't face the reality of the pain and loss and rawness of feeling associated with that thread. I wanted so badly to go right then and bring my Tibbe home again! I couldn't bear his not being here with me, not touching him, not having my boy. I almost dressed and got the ladies' address from Danny and started driving toward where he is several times! I wanted/want him back so desperately. Only the thought of his little sighs of disappointment stopped me. It's been hell.
I read every one of your wonderful posts of support on it, some blessedly short and sweet, some wonderfully loquacious, insightful and poetic, beautiful deep expressions of support, nurturing and love and encouragement. All were read, reread, read again and again and wept over, some bringing smiles with the tears and some bout after bout of rank awful sobbing. The words were so lovely, so profound, so heartfelt, I could tell you all understood the motive behind giving up my Tibbe Boy for a better life still ahead for him. He deserved a far better life than he was getting here. And i was immediately blessed with a insightful, active home life for him or I know I'd likely have backed out but it all happened that first day, thank God. I didn't feel peace with the decision (who could?) but I felt led to give Tibbe to the blessed lady who offered to take him that first day.
Still can't think much or talk about him without getting deeply depressed and grief-stricken anew, but little Tibbe was still so vital, so feisty, happy and animated that his little disappointed look and tiny Yorkie sigh, downcast little eyes when asking to play, walk, work and being turned down because I couldn't physically respond, that I couldn't watch him have to live like that any longer. He'd almost given up asking - and that was what finally did it. He was tired of getting turned down! I realized I had to give my little sweetheart the fun, active life he deserves still to have for as long as he can physically respond. He's that kind of special Yorkie, a true once-in-a-lifetime, special, special ♥ star of a dog. Better stop talking about him, it just hurts too much, starts the longing for him up again. Can't go there.
The long and short of it is, I intended to respond to each and every post on the "My Tibbe Boy" thread, as I deeply felt and appreciated each of those posts so dearly, especially since, at the time, my feeling was that anything less would be outright disrespectful of such cherished people who could produce such a beautiful outpouring of understanding and sustenance in those posts to me after what I'd done. Especially at a time when I expected nothing but rebuffs and rejections as a forum member for my actions.
But the thing is, I'm having to take the coward's way out. That "My Tibbe Boy" thread is still so painfully raw, so rooted in despair and hurt and deep, deep loss and longing I feared facing it again, so I've just stayed off Yorkietalk. Right now, I can't revisit the bare despair I felt in posting that thread, even to address and respond to each and every one of your blessed posts.
Short and sweet or lyrical and poetically deep, each post meant and means the world to me as I recall them. But I can't look at them again, maybe not ever. And I thank each and every one of you for your words that touched me like velvet, wrapping me in nothing but love and protection. Your words and thoughts mean so much to me, both then and now. But I'm still in the denial phase, can't allow myself to even think of my dear little Tibbe Boy without the beginning of that total despair of loss and I just can't face it. So I do ANYTHING I can to get my thoughts quickly turned off should my boy come to mind. I swear I'd slam my finger in a door to keep from even thinking of him right now. To go there is just to suffer and want, want him back. I don't want to bring up any memories right now, the loss and longing is still way too strong. I'm ashamed to admit but I am so jealous of the lovely lady who has him I can't bear the thought.
I KNOW he's better off, living the life he so so so deserves and know I made the right decision for him and that's all I can manage now. So I can't revisit that thread, may never be able to again without all of that horror flooding back so I can't and won't go there.
But I felt if I waited any longer to give each and every poster on that thread a virtual hug and "thank you, dearest one", I couldn't live with myself. Truth be told, this is way too late to respond but I couldn't figure out a way to do it and avoid the hurt associated with posting that awful thread until tonight.
So, one and ALL, for ALL those inspiring and beautiful words, for just responding kindly, I THANK YOU for being there for me when I so very badly needed help. You carried me through a dark, awful, wretched and dark, dark hateful time and I'll never forget you for it. Biggest hugs and love to you all. I heartily mean that!!! Yorkietalk is a lifeline sometimes. Love you all. Love, Jeanie - and my Tibbe Boy from afar :love::love::love: |