I'm Having a day.......

[Duncansmom]

I have never posted personal stuff on here...but you have all been so nice to me and I could use a lil ...I dunno encouragement I guess. Im just having one of those days where the tears keep fallin....and Im feeling like a failure. I have 3 great kids, 2 dtrs, 26 and 20 and one son who turned 19 last wed. My sons father hasnt been in his life since he was 10. That was his fathers choice....and I feel like i have failed my son b/c I have over indulged him and now he has a serious case of "entitlement issues". I know its all my fault. I was only trying to compensate for the wrongs of his father. My husband who is wonderful, has raised him since he was 5 and he tried to tell me it would be a problem later on and he was so right. My son leaves for college in august and Im afraid now that he wont be able to cope in the real world, even tho deep down I know he will be fine. I guess whats really hurting me is that he didnt even get me a card or anything for mothers day. he spent the entire day w his gf and her family and totally blew me off. My heart is breaking but I only have myself to blame. When he was 17, I started to "wean" him off us, but he has gotten in over his head with his car and insur. ect. Do I let him fall and deal with it or do I help him up a lil? I just dont know anymore. Crying seems to be the only answer I can come up with right now. Maybe tomorrow will be a lil more clear.
Sorry to use your shoulders, but Im glad you are all here anyways. seeing all your babies helps alot. Thanks for listening..... (or reading lol)

[marcerella02]

i'm so sorry. I am no help.. i'm 24 and don't have kids let alone a 19 year old BUT i just wanted to send you a big hug. No mom is ever perfect and it completely sucks he didn't do anything for you on Mother's day. 19 year olds, regardless of how indulged they were, tend to be pretty self involved. and.. he's a boy from my expereince they don't tend to think of others as much as girls do . I hope that another mom can come on here and help you. I know we have many on here with grown kids. Sending a big hug!!

[Duncansmom]

TY your words and hugs mean alot to me. you are very wise for 24!

[marcerella02]

Originally Posted by Duncansmom

TY your words and hugs mean alot to me. you are very wise for 24!

well... i'm an only child.. and looking back perhaps have been a tad over induldged myself. i know someone will come along with more helpful advice

[cooperk]

I know what you're feeling (a bit). I have a 15 yr old son from my previous marriage and have done the same thing with him. I work very hard to make sure he turns out OK (my husband says overtime). It's tough on these kids from divorces. It can also be a deep guilt for the Mom.

My older sister keeps telling me, "they leave you but will come back." I think your son will grow quite a bit on his own the next year. It will be hardest on you, I'm sure. I don't have any out of the nest yet, but know I will definately get a new Yorkie for each exit of my children! In fact, I think my son's increasing independence from me is why I got my second dog (got my empty nest puppy early).

I laugh at my older sisters because they both got a chihuaua (sp?) and were carrying them around everywhere, when they had an empty nest. At least I got a cute, nice dog (Trixie).

Chear up girl! From the sound of it, you've done a terrific job. I can tell from the amount you are worrying! A mother's guilt is huge, isn't it?

[RowdysMom]

I'm sorry, I really don't know what to tell you - I clicked and read and then started to not reply, then thought that wasn't very nice.

Anyway, I guess I'd lean toward not helping him and letting the chips fall where they may. He needs to grow up some and learn responsibility. It may be really hard on you though, to see him suffer. But it is true that we grow and develop through hard times. That's when we become stronger - so maybe it will help both of you to let him find his own way through this.

Maybe you can let him find his way and intervene only if a disaster is about to happen.

Someone said something like they may leave now, but they will be back. It too, think that is true.

Good luck, I'm sorry you have to go through this.

[linz06]

I'm also young with no kids, but I understand what you're saying because he sounds just like my older brother! My parents always have and still do give him anything, help him out with payments when he can't make them, give him money on the weekends when he's broke, etc. etc. etc. He lived with me as soon as I moved out to go to college, and always ate MY groceries because he couldn't afford them. I moved to another city and he moved in with my grandma who cooked him all his meals and even packed his lunches! I moved back here and he moved back in with me. He owes me almost $400 and who knows how much he owes my parents... they keep giving in to him so he doesn't even care. If he gets in trouble, someone will bail him out!
I think giving him tough love will help him more in the long run. Does he live with you? If he can't afford the car, let him know he can't afford it and that's that. You're not going to be around for him to lean on forever. How do your other kids feel about it? There have been too many disagreements in my family over the problems he's caused for me. I paid my own way through college and my parents paid for his. He owns a $30,000 suv (which is why he couldn't pay for college!) and I own a $6,000 car. My parents think they should help him out because he needs it more.... but he doesn't NEED that suv. He doesn't NEED his sportbike. He doesn't NEED to spend $300 a night acting like a high-roller for his friends. I feel that he will try mooching off me for the rest of my life, and it's not fair to me or to my parents.
So there's my two cents

[marcerella02]

i totally agree with lindz. I think tough love is the way to go. But let him know things are going to change. HE is going to college and now its time he grows up and learns to live on his own. There is a whole summer a head of him that he can get a job, make money and be able to pay for whatever in college. He will appreciate you and his things more if you do this... i think.

[Tiggerwit]

I'm sorry, i've done the same with my girls. I think I was not as hard as I should have been because I felt bad about my divorce and their father's lack of participation.

It sounds like you've done a great job and I'm sure he didn't intentionally mean to not get you anything.

I have a similar situation with my oldest and her not working and I'm paying for some things still. I've just started saying get a job. You need a job, I can't cover everything. But if your son is in a situation that may jeopardize his credit therefore his future I would maybe suggest you step in and lay down the law and help out if you can. If he refuses the help and advice, well then, you did what you could. Hard part is that they think just because they are of age, they are all grown up now.

I'm sorry you feel down and I hope you feel better soon. I appreciate you.

[simonandhallie]

Well, I was an overindulged child of divorce and my dad really did give me anything I wanted and did everything for me. He tried to teach me hard work skills and all the things I would need to know but I didn't listen (i was a selfish teenager) and I learned the hard way. I went to college and didn't really know what to do, it was a tough time. I wasted my time and my dad's financial support. He told me one day that he would no longer pay for my education and that was that.

Fast forward a few years and I went back to school (on my own) and continued through grad school and ultimately got my master's. I never would have done that if my dad had not taught me a tough lesson early on. I credit him (now) for my successes in my life.

Your son will one day "wake up" and realize what you have done for him and he will be forever in debt for that. It may take some time but it will happen~

[RebelBelle]

First of all... BIG HUGS! I'm only 25 but I'm also the oldest grandchild in my family. I'm the technical only child of a single mom. However, my mom and I have always lived with my grandparents who adopted my 2 cousins, so my mom raised them like her own. We have one like yours too. My cousin Kenny is 24 and thinks that everyone owes him something. He dropped out of school and has wrecked 2 cars that my mom and grandparents bought him. It has been MUCH worse since my grandpa died when he (kenny) was 14. He thinks he gets all of the privledges of being the man of the house without any of the responsibilities. His idea of these privledges include being accountable to no one, bossing EVERYONE around, expecting everyone to say how high when he says jump. Yeah he has a pretty warped idea of what being a man is. Well anyway he went out and got a girl pregnant and married her. Then he decided that paying rent at an apartment took too much of his fun money away so he has now moved back in (wife and baby in tow) to my mom and grandma's for free room, board and childcare. Prime example he left his baby with my mom yesterday so that he could take his wife out for mothers day. I guess he missed the part where mothers day was a day to spend with your child not escaping your child.

I tell them all the time that they are going to have to let him fall all the way down before he'll learn to dig himself out but they aren't going to. So I quit fighting it. But he gets no free ride from me. I explained to him and Aimee that if they wanted to contribute to family events at my house they had to contribute and if they want me to watch the baby then I need to be paid either in cash or in trade. And it works! Because he knows that I don't love him enough to let him walk all over me. I can tell you this. I think your son would respect you and himself more if you make him work out his own problems.

[Patti]

Sorry you are having a rough time. I have a 22 year old dtr who was raised as an only child (I have a 37 year old birth son who just came into our lives, her full brother,. My dtr has always worked and goes to college but lives at home. She is good about saving her money, but we pay for everything except her clothes and expenses when she goes out. She does nothing around the house, my fault for not making her. I am trying to prepare her for the real world, gas, insurance, rent, food etc but I don't think they will get it until they are on their own and have to manage their own finances. In Hindsight it is always easy to see where we went wrong. I do believe most grow up and appreciate us once they realize what we actually did for them. He will get it one day, just hang in and know you are not alone.

[IluvLucy]

I'm so sorry you got your feeling hurt on Mother's Day.

I know where you're coming from. I married at 16, had my first child at 18 and my second at 21. I was divorced at 24 and raised my kids alone for 10 years before I remarried.

My younger son went thru a really rough time as a teen. He is bipolar. It was hell. He lived in a group home for several years because I just couldn't handle it anymore. He had a really tough wakeup call when my husband (his stepfather) died. He told me it took that to make him realize that he HAD to grow up.

That was 2 years ago. He is living with me now, and is a joy to be with. He is also ADHD and even though he is chronologically 29 years old, he is more like a 16 year old. He does everything for himself now. He takes his meds, does his laundry, and has actually become quite a cook.

When he first entered the group home, I felt that I had abandoned him. It hurt me much more than it hurt him. Looking back, I believe it took all the bad times for him to appreciate his life now.

I pray that your son will find what it takes for him to grow up and that a tragedy won't force it.

[Duncansmom]

See I knew you all would say exactly the right stuff. TY TY TY and I have so much respect for all us women out there, single, married, younger, older....trying our best to make it work well everyday. ty for all the kind words and support and deffo food for thought. I also have to say, I am so impressed with the younger women here who dont have kids yet, and how wise you all are beyond your years. Your parents must be so proud of you Im sure coz I know I am.
42 laps in the pool later, im starting to settle a bit. ty all again.

[cdawnfine]

You got some great advice, try to not be so hard on youself yhere is no exact science for raising kids ans you do the best you can.