What's your best joke? I'll start with the poopie list

[BrendaS54]

I love these..
Whats an electrical Fart? One with a little Juice!

Whats an atomic Fart? One with a little Fall out!

[BrendaS54]

CUTE!

Best Menopause Question Ever
Q: How many women with MENOPAUSE does it take to change a light Bulb?

Woman'sAnswer:
One!ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this House knows HOW to change
a light bulb! They Don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They wouldsit in the dark
for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And,once they figured it out, they
wouldn't be able to find the #&%!* lightbulbs despite the fact that they've
been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did,
by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS
LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILLBE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT
BULBS CAME IN!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER PICKS UP OR CARRIES OUT THE
GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE
AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE! AND DON'T EVEN GET ME
STARTED ON WHO

CHANGES THE

TOILET PAPER ROLL !!













I'm sorry. What was the question?

[cobird2]

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman b ehind the co unter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- ---

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She is not happy with what she sees, and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect. '

And then the fight started....

------------ --------- --------- ------

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And then the fight started....

------------ --------- --------- --------- -----

My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big.

I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday

And then the fight started.....

------------ --------- --------- --------- ------

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.

Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.

The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy crap. That must be my husband!'

So the man jumped out of the bed, scared and n aked, and jumped out of the window. He smashed hi mself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.

A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'

The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'

And then the fight started.....

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.

I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be awful all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'Th e weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'

And then the fight started ...

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

And that's when the fight started....

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phon e a friend."

And that's when the fight started....

[jasmanea]

Ok those made my morning! Laughter is so therapeutic

[jasmanea]

Those last few brought tears to my eyes!!! Had the SO laughing too!

[cobird2]

Riddle of the Day

Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one.

Michael J. Fox has a small one.

Madonna doesn't have one.

The Pope has one but doesn't use it.

Clinton uses his all the time.

Bush is one.

Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.

Liberace never used his on women.

Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his.

Cher claims that she took on 3.

We never saw Lucy use Desi's.

What is it?

Answer below - scroll down, way down!

The answer is: 'A Last Name.'

You didn't think I'd send you a dirty joke, did you?

[jfalz73]

These jokes are all so funny! I love this thread!! I keep coming back for more!!

[C101Yorkie]

Originally Posted by jfalz73

These jokes are all so funny! I love this thread!! I keep coming back for more!!

Same here!!

[jasmanea]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"

[cobird2]

good one!

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "what's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order "That will be $9.40, please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man.
"Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago, I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

[jasmanea]

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a drop-off (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are traveling on), and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you are. In front of you is a galloping horse which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a galloping zebra. Both the horse and zebra are also traveling at the same speed as you are. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?


Get your drunk a** off the merry-go-round!

[jasmanea]

The son of a mob boss was sitting at his desk writing a note for X-mas it read:

Dear Baby Jesus, I have been a good boy this year and believe...

Just then the boy throws away the paper and starts over

Dear Baby Jesus, I have don't nothing to bad and I believe...

The boy throws out the paper and starts to think...he gets an idea and runs into his mom's room and grabs the statue of the virgin mary, he runs back to his room and puts it in the desk draw. then smiles and starts to write

Dear Baby Jesus, If you ever want to see your mom again you better make sure I get everything I ask for this year

[jasmanea]

Please take this for what it is.... a joke..............



Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory???
For throwing out all the W's.

[jasmanea]

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were faithful and loving wives, however, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the
Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her underwear and use them. Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive pair of underwear and did not want to do that. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the woman's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no underwear!!"

"That's nothing," said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her butt that said..... "From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you."

[jasmanea]

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick:

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... What happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"

His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"

Broken Coffee Table: $239.99. Hot Breakfast: $4.20. Two Aspirins: $.38. Saying the right thing, at the right time. . . PRICELESS