What's your best joke? I'll start with the poopie list

[jasmanea]

Actual Signs
Yes, these are real.

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On a plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."

In a veterinarian's office: "Back in 15 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

On the door to a proctologist's office: "To expedite your visit, please back in."

At a tailor shop: We give our customers the lowest prices and workmanship

At a Pennsylvania cemetery: "Please do not hunt during daylight" (thanks to Arm)

On a septic tank business: "We're #1 in the #2 business" (thanks to Scott)

At a photo studio: "Have your kids shot while you wait!" (thanks to John)

In a cafeteria: "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria." (thanks to John)

In a clothing store: "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."

At a teriyaki restaurant: "$3.99 Chicken Bowel!"

In a Vermont men's store: "25 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!"

On a shopping mall marquee: "Archery Tournament - Ears pierced"

In a Mall: "Ears pierced, while you wait"

In a New Jersey store: "Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?"

Seen on a Taco Bell sign in Coralville, Iowa: "Everyday low value"

In a Maine restaurant: "At your service: Open 7 days a week and weekends."

On a radiator repair garage: "Best place to take a leak."

In the vestry of a Westminster church: "Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished."

Outside a country shop: "We buy junk and sell antiques."

In an Ohio cemetery: "Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves."

In Vancouver, British Columbia, on a folding sign in front of a small language school: "English Tootering"

On a roller coaster: "Watch your head."

On the grounds of a public school: "No trespassing without permission."

On a Tennessee highway: "When this sign is under water, this road is impassable."

In a New Hampshire car wash: "If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car."

On a fixit-shop: We can fix anything! (Please knock loudly, doorbell broken

[jasmanea]

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog is cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?" The vet says, "Well, let's have a look at him." So the vet picks the dog up while examining his eyes. Finally he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Just because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really, really heavy."

90% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house. 10% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

Two salesmen are at another salesman's funeral. One says to the other, "What did he have?" The other salesman says "California, Oregon and Washington".

A will is a dead giveaway.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

There's two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither one works.

Man to Veterinarian: "Every time a bell rings, my dog goes into the corner." Vet: "That's OK, he's a boxer."

I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.

I'm in shape. Round is a shape.

A couple is lying in bed. Man: "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." Woman: "I'll miss you."

One of my friends watches a boxing match and says "Sure. Ten million dollars. You know, for that kind of money, I’d fight him." As if someone is going to pay $200 a ticket to see a 57-year-old accountant get hit in the face once and cry.

At a nudist colony for intellectuals in England: Two old men are sitting on the front porch. One turns to the other and says, "I say, old boy, have you read Marx?" The other says, "Yes, it's these wicker chairs."

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

Anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

"Dad, can you do my homework for me?" "No, I'm sorry, it just wouldn't be right." "Well, maybe not, but give it a try anyway!"

Two peanuts were walking down a spooky road at night. One was assaulted.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you may get repossessed.

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids.

2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.

Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

Does fuzzy logic tickle?

24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence?

Why shouldn't you make an atheist mad? Because he might burn a question mark on your front lawn.

If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

All computers wait at the same speed.

How many quarters does it take to play the new Lord of the Rings pinball game? None. It only takes Tolkiens.

Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.....

Cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny.

Why don't blind people like to skydive? Because it scares the dog.

Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.

Tell me what you need, I'll tell you how to get along without it.

It is better to have loved and lost than to listen to "Lost In Love" by Air Supply.

Someday, we'll all look back on this and plow into a parked car.

Jesus saves. He uses double coupons.

Why are there so many Johnsons in the phone book? They all have phones.

A very religious man fell into the quicksand. Firefighters come by and offer to help, but he says, "No, God will help me." Next come the police, they offer to help. Again the man says, "No, God will help me." He then sinks in the quicksand to his death. In heaven, he asks God why he didn't save him. God says, "What about the firemen and police I sent?" (thanks to Patrick)

A drummer walks into a music store and says, "I'll buy that accordion over there." The cashier says, "You must be a drummer. That's the radiator." (thanks to Atom)

The optimist says the glass is half full. The pessimist says the glass is half empty. The engineer says the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

What's brown and sticky? A stick.

Two old ladies are in a restaurant. One complains, "You know, the food here is just terrible." The other shakes her head and adds, "And such small portions."

Why does a Pilgrim's pants always fall down? Because they wear their belt buckle on their hat!

A man's house was on fire. He decided he would call the fire department. He got on the phone with the Fire Chief. The man was very frantic. The man said, "Chief, you have to get over here, my house is on fire!" The Chief said, "Calm down, how do we get to your house?" The man said, "Don't you have those big red trucks anymore?"

Why don't they take coffee breaks in Poland? It takes too long to retrain them.

A blonde wanted to apply for job as a detective. She went into the station to apply, and the sergeant said, "I will need to ask you a few questions." "What is 2+2?" The blonde said, "4." "What color is the sky?" The blonde answered, "Blue." "Who shot Lincoln?" The blonde said, "I don't know." The officer said, "When you find out come back and tell me." So the blonde went home. Her roommate asked her if she got the job. She said, "As a matter of fact I did, and they put me on a case already!"

[jasmanea]

Men's Rules
Women should learn these!

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Women, learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not considered by us to be opportunities to see if we can find the perfect present again!

Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.

Ask for what you want. Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

We don't remember dates. . . .Period!!

Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We've been tricked before!!

If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.

You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.

ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing", we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what they're saying anyway.)

BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know, it's like camping.

[jasmanea]

The Woman's Code
by Cheryl Lavin: The secret rules that women live by but rarely divulge to men.

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Invite a man to go shopping with you only if you need someone to carry your packages or drive.

Assure your boyfriend that every female movie star has had a boob job.

When your man asks you what's wrong, say "Nothing." However, when Oprah, Dr. Phil or Dr. Laura asks you, go into excruciating detail. Leave nothing out.

The negative effects of cheese puffs and chocolate-chocolate chip ice cream are offset by the positive effects of diet soda.

Feet are flexible and can be made to fit into shoes varying from size 7 to 9, depending on what's on sale.

You can skimp on clothes, but a good bra is worth its weight in gold. (That's Victoria's secret.)

The Patricia Principle: The more you've been trying to attract the attention of a particular man, the more likely it is that you'll run into him when you're sweaty, short of sleep, without makeup, wearing house-painting clothes, with your hair in a bandana.

The best response to a married man who's hitting on you is, "Say, don't I know your wife?"

Learn how to say "Back off" very loudly and look fierce while you say it.

Let every new man in your life know that you've got a black belt in karate.

Make friends with your hormones. They're what make you colorful and unpredictable. If other people have a hard time with that, that's their problem.

When you hear your mother's words coming out of your mouth, shut your mouth. Unless your mother was really wise.

When in doubt, say no.

You're under no obligation to tell the truth when asked the number of your sexual partners.

Men love a woman who's good in bed. But not the first time they go to bed with her.

No matter how much they fight it, all men need a woman to organize their lives and their closets and tell them what kind of hair products to use.

Consider yourself a sculptor and your man a block of marble. Chip away until you have created someone you can live with. He'll thank you. Later.

Always remember: Inside the biggest, burliest, most macho man lives an ego as delicate and fragile as a baby chick making its first venture outside the egg.

Laugh at a man at your own peril.

The only women who look good first thing in the morning are the women who don't know how to put on makeup.

When splitting a dinner check with girlfriends, it's perfectly acceptable to take out a calculator.

If you drop your girlfriends as soon as you have a boyfriend, you will live to regret your decision.

Food eaten while preparing other food has no calories.

When consumed for its antioxidant properties, dark chocolate has less fat than broccoli.

It's a medical fact that some women gain weight although they eat only salads.

It's another medical fact that too much lettuce can lead to depression.

Women who never binge have no souls.

Only a masochist weighs herself the day after a binge.

Ditto anyone who looks at herself naked in a three-way mirror.

Even Angelina Jolie has some part of her body she hates.

Falling in love is a sure way to lose five pounds.

Getting dumped is a sure way to gain 10.

Nothing is sweeter than finding out that the cute boy who dumped you in the 12th grade lives in his mother's basement.

Except going to your high school reunion and seeing that the prom queen shops at Lane Bryant.

Black really does make you look thinner

[jasmanea]

What a Woman Wants in a Man
At various ages

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What women want in a man at age 25:

1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover

What women want in a man at age 35:

1. Nice looking (preferably with hair)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week

What women want in a man at age 45:

1. Not too ugly (bald head is fine)
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends

What women want in a man at age 55:

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends

What women want in a man at age 65:

1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend

What women want in a man at age 75:

1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet

[jasmanea]

Why?
Questions to be answered.

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Why do doctors leave the room when you get undressed? They're going to see you naked anyway.

Why does a pizza get to the house faster than an ambulance?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in", but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's the extra penny?

Why is the original text in a document called "copy"?

Why do drug stores make sick people walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescription, but smokers can get their cigarettes up front? (thanks to Imani)

Why is the small size of a candy bar the "fun size"? It's more fun to eat a big candy bar. (thanks to Shane)

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? (thanks to Steve M.)

Why are there handicap parking places in front of the skating rink?

Why doesn't whoop-a&& doesn't come in bottles? (thanks to Schmidty)

Why do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and then a diet coke?

Why are they called apartments when they're all stuck together? (thanks to Evets)

Why do banks leave both doors open but they chain the pens to the counter?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are dead?

Why do Americans leave their expensive cars on the driveway, but have useless junk in the garage?

Why don't the hairs on your arm get split ends? (thanks to Shane)

Why do drive-up ATMs have instructions in braille?

Why does round pizza come in a square box?

Why is lingerie so popular, if love is blind?

Why does the sun lighten our hair but tan our skin?

Why does lemonade have artificial flavoring but dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons? (thanks to Evets)

Why can't women put on their mascara with their eyes closed?

Why do banks charge a fee for "non-sufficient funds" when they know you don't have enough money?

Why do you never see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why are outlets electrical but inlets are geographical? (thanks to Schmidty)

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why isn't anything in Wal-Mart free yet, if they're lowering prices every day?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why do they call the airport the terminal, if flying is so safe?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why is dyslexic such a hard word to spell? (thanks to Jordan)

Why are the others here, if we are here to help others?

Why do you believe it when someone tells you there are four billion stars, but you always check when you see the wet paint sign?

Why does lighting an outdoor grill always make the wind blow? (thanks to LarryNewParts)

Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor, but book publishers aren't afraid to have a chapter 11?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? (thanks to Evets)

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath is in the bottle, the bubbles are always white?

Why do we say "It's colder than hell outside"? (thanks to Shane)

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes? (thanks to Steve M.)

Why is the word "lisp" spelled with an "S"?

Why do they call it a building when it's already built? (thanks to Ben)

Why do you have to buy Barbie's friends, if she's so popular?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat has materialized?

Why are mattresses on sale every day? Isn't that the normal price?

Why do we still have apes (if people evolved from apes)?

Why is dental floss mint flavored? All I ever taste is blood and chicken. (thanks to Bennett)

Why, if man is descended from apes, do we still have apes?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but he still ducks when someone throws the gun at him?

Why do you keep trying to vacuum up that string, and when it doesn't get picked up, you'll pick it up and then put it down to give the vacuum another chance?

Why don't sheep shrink in the rain? (thanks to Evets)

Why is it called rush hour when you don't move? (thanks to Evets)

Why isn't there a speed of dark? (thanks to Steve M.)

Why are animals made out of meat if we're not meant to eat them?

Why is it that when you attempt to stop something from falling off the table, you manage to knock something else over?

Why aren't there father-in-law jokes?

Why couldn't the Professor on Gilligan's Island fix a boat if he could make a radio out of coconuts?

[jasmanea]

If Men Got Pregnant
Things in the world would really change!

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Maternity leave would last for two years with full pay.

There'd be a cure for stretch marks.

Natural childbirth would become obsolete.

Morning sickness would rank as the nation's number one health problem.

All methods of birth control would be improved to 100 percent effectiveness.

Children would be kept in the hospital until they were toilet trained.

Men would be eager to talk about commitment.

They wouldn't think twins were quite so cute.

Fathers would demand that their sons be home from dates by 10:00pm.

Men could use their briefcases as diaper bags.

They'd have to stop saying, "I'm afraid I'll drop him".

Paternity suits would be a line of clothes.

They'd stay in bed for the entire nine months.

Menus at most restaurants would list ice cream and pickles as an entree.

Women would rule the world!

[jasmanea]

Things I Have Learned from Children
Send your items to me!

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A 3 year old boy who is told not to go outside and play in the dirt will bring the dirt inside, mix it with water and build roads on the new living room carpet. (thanks to Margaret Johnson)

A can of soda will make a great geyser when hit with a hammer. A 12 pack makes a BIG puddle. (thanks to Margaret Johnson)

You should not stand too close to a fire alarm in a large grocery store if your child is in the basket. (thanks to Virginia Boudreau)

A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 square foot house 4 inches deep.

If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

A 3 year old child's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape.

If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan and tie it to a paint can, it does spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 room.

You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.

When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.

A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

The glass in windows (including double pane windows) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

When you hear the toilet flush along with the words "uh oh," it's already too late.

Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke (and lots of it).

A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

Certain Lego blocks will pass through the digestive tract of a 4 year old.

Play-Doh and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

Super glue is forever.

No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool, you still can't walk on water.

Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

VCRs do not eject sandwiches, even though TV commercials show they do.

Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

You probably don't want to know what that smell is.

Always look in the oven before you turn it on.

Plastic toys do not like ovens.

The fire department in my town has a 5 minute response time.

The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

The spin cycle on the washing machine does make cats dizzy, however.

Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

60% of men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

[jasmanea]

Wal-Mart Fun
Here are several ways to make your experience at Wal-Mart much more fun!

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Put boxes of Poli-Dent in random shoppers' baskets.

Move the displays into a maze, then stand at the end and congratulate anybody who makes it out.

Hold a box tightly. if people look at you, clutch the box to your chest and say, "Mine."

Hide inside the clothing racks, and when someone begins to look through the racks, stick your head out and say, "Do you mind?"

Stand in the freezer with a sign that says "Do not thaw until 3000 A.D."

Go to the checkout line and page yourself. Slip away, then come back 5 minutes later, saying you were paged. Repeat until you're told to leave.

Stick price stickers to yourself and lay on the conveyer belt. When asked what you're doing, say, "I got hungry and ate all my food."

Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.

Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.

Run up to an employee (preferably a male) while squeezing your legs together and practically yell at him "Where are your tampons?"

Try on bras over top of your clothes.

Make a trail of lemonade on the ground, leading to the restrooms.

While walking around the store, sing in your loudest voice possible "I smell sex and candy"

Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in housewares," and see what happens.

Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off with the volume controls set at full.

Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.

Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.

Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.

Put a bottle of shampoo on layaway.

Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.

Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from the Bed and Bath department.

Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.

Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.

When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"

Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.

Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.

Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.

While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.

Switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the restrooms.

Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission Impossible."

Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.

In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels.

Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like "pick me!! pick me!!" and scare them into believing that the clothes are talking to them.

When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"

Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people out.

Get boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they don't realize it.

Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.

Go into the dressing room and yell real loud "Hey, we're out of toilet paper in here!"

[jasmanea]

What women say
And what they MEAN

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ARE YOU WILLING TO: This means you better do it.

FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of "those" arguments.

FIVE MINUTES: This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

NOTHING: This means "something" and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and will end with the word "Fine".

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows): This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows): This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine", and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH: This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here arguing with you over "Nothing".

SOFT SIGH: Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sigh" means that she is content. Your best bet is not to move or breathe, and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY: This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead". At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO: This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".

THANKS: A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say "you're welcome".

THANKS A LOT: This is much different than "Thanks". A woman will say "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh" as she will only tell you "Nothing".

[jasmanea]

Men vs. Women
Some subtle (and some not so subtle) differences

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Handwriting:

Men: To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch.

Women: Women use scented, colored stationery and they dot the "i" with circles or hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in the "b" and "g". It is a pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she will put a smiley face at the end of the note.


Groceries:

Women: A woman makes a list of things she needs, then goes out to the store and buys those things.

Men: A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the express lane.


Relationships:

Women: When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then she will get on with her life.

Men: A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us." This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need.


Sex:

Women: They prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay.

Men: They prefer 30-40 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place part of the foreplay.


Maturity:

Women: They mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults.

Men: Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.


Magazines:

Men: Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body.

Women: Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Most naked men elicit laughter from women.


Bathrooms:

Men: A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.

Women: The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man cannot identify most of these items.


Shoes:

Women: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk.

Men: A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day. Let's not talk about how many days he'll wear the same socks.


Cats:

Women: Women love cats.

Men: Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.


Children:

Women: A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.

Men: A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.


Dressing Up:

Women: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.

Men: A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.


Laundry:

Women: Women do laundry every couple of days.

Men: A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants (the ones that were hip about eight years ago) before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by reruns of old episodes of "Love American Style."


Eating Out:

Men: When the check comes, each man will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.

Women: When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.


Mirrors:

Men: Men are vain and will check themselves out in a mirror.

Women: They are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, bald guys' heads.


Menopause:

Women: When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual.

Men: Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction - he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.


The Phone:

Men: Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people.

Women: A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.


Richard Gere:

Women: Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way.

Men: Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women.


Madonna:

Same as above, but reversed. Same reason.


Toys:

Women: Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest.

Men: Men never grow out of their toy obsession. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive, silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TVs. Car phones. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D" batteries to operate.


Cameras:

Men: Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes.

Women: Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course, women always end up taking better pictures.


Locker Rooms:

Men: In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women.

Women: They talk about one thing in the locker room - sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie.


Movies:

Women: Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man.

Men: The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him.


Jewelry:

Women: Women look nice when they wear jewelry.

Men: A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.


Conversation:

Men: Men need a good disagreement to get talking. For instance, "Wow, great movie." or "What are you, nuts? No REAL cop would have an Uzi that size."

Women: Women, not having this problem, try to initiate conversations with men by saying something agreeable: "That garden by the roadside looks lovely." "Mm hmm." Pause. "That was a good restaurant last night, wasn't it?" "Yeah." Pause. And so on.


Leg Warmers:

Women: Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she wants.

Men: A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme the Ball" number in "A Chorus Line."


Friends:

Women: Women on a girls' night out talk the whole time.

Men: Men on a boy's night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are "Pass the Doritos" or "got any more beer?"


Restrooms:

Women: Women use restrooms as social lounges. Women who've never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends. Women also go to the restroom in packs, at least two women at a time excuse themselves to use the restroom.

Men: Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Men in a restrooms will never speak a word to each other. And never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, "Hey, Tom, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?

[jasmanea]

Fun Interview Stories
Actual stories of job interviews gone bad

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When asked if there was anything else he wanted to tell the interviewer, the applicant said, "Well, ma'am, I ain't never killed nobody before." (thanks to N9529K)

One candidate, when asked if he was ever convicted of a felony, responded, "No, I was not convicted, I pled guilty."

A job applicant challenged the interviewer to an arm wrestle.

Interviewee wore a Walkman, explaining that she could listen to the interviewer and the music at the same time.

Candidate fell and broke arm during interview.

Candidate announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer's office.

Candidate explained that her long-term goals was to replace the interviewer.

Candidate said he never finished high school because he was kidnapped and kept in a closet in Mexico.

Balding candidate excused himself and returned to the office a few minutes later wearing a hairpiece.

Applicant said if he was hired he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.

Applicant interrupted interview to phone her therapist for advice on how to answer specific interview questions.

Candidate brought large dog to interview.

Applicant refused to sit down and insisted on being interviewed standing up.

Candidate dozed off during interview.


Some strange things said by the applicant during an interview:

"I never get hungry."

"I know who is responsible for most of my troubles."

"Sometimes I feel like smashing things."

"My legs are really hairy."

"I think I'm going to throw up."

"Women should not be allowed to drink in cocktail bars."

"What is the company motto?"

"Why aren't you in a more interesting business?"

"What are the zodiac signs of all the board members?"

"Why do you want references?"

"Do I have to dress for the next interview?"

"I know this is off the subject, but will you marry me?"

"Will the company move my rock collection from California to Maryland?"

"Does your health insurance cover pets?"

"Would it be a problem if I'm angry most of the time?"

"Does your company have a policy regarding concealed weapons?"

"Do you think the company would be willing to lower my pay?"

"Why am I here?"

"I have no difficulty in starting or holding my bowel movements."

"At times I have the strong urge to do something harmful or shocking."

"I feel uneasy indoors."

"I think that Lincoln was greater than Washington."

"I get excited very easily."

"Once a week, I usually feel hot all over."

"I am fascinated by fire."

"I like tall women."

"Whenever a man is with a woman he is usually thinking about sex."

"People are always watching me."

"If I get too much change in a store, I always give it back."

"Almost everyone is guilty of bad sexual conduct."

"I must admit that I am a pretty fair talker."

"If the pay was right, I'd travel with the carnival."

"I would have been more successful if nobody would have snitched on me."

[jasmanea]

Answering Machine Hijinx
Use these on your answering machine for wacky fun!

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Hello, you have reached 987-6543. Please press one for English, 2 for English, or better yet: call back when you speak English! (thanks to Kathy Ziemer)

Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a "sexy" message, I'll call even sooner!

Hi! This is Jim. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my bank, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

My lover and I can't come to the phone right now but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

Hello. I am Bill's answering machine. Who or what are you?

Hi! Jill's answering machine is broken. This is her refrigerator. Please speak very slowly and I'll stick your message to myself with a magnet.

Hello! You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need a magazine subscription, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are already clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their pictures taken. If you're still listening, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

This is not an answering machine. This is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number and your reason for calling, and I'll think about returning your call.

Hi! I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message and if I don't call back, it's you.

Hi! This is Frank. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message and then wait by your phone until I call you back.

Hi! If you are a burglar, we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave a message.

Hello! You've reached Jim and Cathy. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Cathy likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right, real slowly. So leave a message and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you."

These words are lovely dark and deep, but I've got promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep, so leave a message at the beep.

Now I lay me down to sleep; Leave a message at the beep. If I die before I wake, Remember to erase the tape!

Hello, this is Jack. Unfortunately I can't answer the phone right now because I've just come back from the Mirror Worlds and I'm still made up of antimatter, so if I were to pick up the phone right now, the resulting energy release would make Hiroshima look like a wet firecracker. So leave a message at the tone and I'll get back to you as soon as my component particles have been restored to their normal charges.

You have reached 555-6238. Why did you call?

This is you-know-who. We are you-know-where. Leave your you-know-what you-know-when.

You have reached 234-1243. This is an answering machine. This is the new millennium. You know what to do.

Surprisingly, you have reached the number you have dialed. Please leave a message after the beep.

This is a boring answering machine message. Leave a message anyway.

So long as phones can ring and eyes can see, So leave a message, and I'll get back to thee.

This is 234-3249, and no, it's not Tony's Pizza. It's not the beauty shop either, and no one named Pamela lives here. You can leave a message though.

Hi. Do you ever feel, like, your head is full of sand, not your regular loose sand mind you, but compacted sand, and there were like bugs or something jumping up and down on the compacted sand? Well, sometimes I do. Leave your message.

[jasmanea]

Anyone? I'm kinda runnin low here LOL

[MeganS]

I need to catch up on all of these jokes!!!

What has four legs and goes "Boo!" ?



A cow with a cold.


How did the frog cross the road?



He tied himself to the chicken.


I know they're stupid....but the first time I heard them I was pretty much doubled over from laughter. However, it doesn't take much to amuse me.