Struggling in the parenting department

[pinkii726]

Let me say...

I am 19, almost 20, and I am the youngest of the two brats there is. I am not spoiled, but when I was between 12-16 I hated my mom, because I thought I was grown and knew everything. Well, she let me learn my own lessons and just told me straight out that she was only one person and she can't do everything.

I am now 19 and she IS my BEST friend and my whole wide world. So don't take it personally. It is only normal to hate their mom right now.

We love you here =)

[TwoforFun]

Teenagers are hard and some can be very rebellious. They might be hurt because you probably didn't give them the attention they wanted. But you still need to be respected. You need to sit down with them and not be defensive, let them talk and don't interrupt them. When they finish what they had to say, thank them for their opinion but tell them why you do what you think best and why.
If you hit them there's a big chance they might swing back. You can always punish them in a way were there's no touching and actually get better results. I don't know how bad your situition is hopefully not bad to were you need to call the law, but if you need to don't hesistate.

[chloeandj]

Last year i was having a hard time with my youngest son and I read several positive discipline books. One of the best things i ever learned was to tell my kids or show them how they were making me feel. "When you say that, or when you do this it makes me feel ---." Instead of sending him to his room for a time out or yelling at him. i can't tell you how aware this made my son, and he has so much empathy now and it made him realize i was a person with feelings just like him. When he does act out now, it only lasts a few second before he apologizes before i say anything. And even if i didn't get it right away, he only needed to calm down to realize how badly he was acting. He has become very self aware. It's ok for your kids to know your human.

The other thing i learned was to walk away. I don't argue with my kids or listen to their whining. When my kids are talking to me in a way i don't like, I walk away like i would do any person that was disrespectful. it's amazing how quickly the whining goes away when they know i won't be there to listen. I've even locked myself in my room to calm myself down so i don't yell at them. LOL I guess what i'm trying to say is i treat my kids how i expect them to treat me, i never yell or hit. And over time, he really changed! I hope this has helped a bit! I definately recommend a positive discipline approach, it has worked worlds of good in my household!

[Nancy1999]

Originally Posted by chloeandj

Last year i was having a hard time with my youngest son and I read several positive discipline books. One of the best things i ever learned was to tell my kids or show them how they were making me feel. "When you say that, or when you do this it makes me feel ---." Instead of sending him to his room for a time out or yelling at him. i can't tell you how aware this made my son, and he has so much empathy now and it made him realize i was a person with feelings just like him. When he does act out now, it only lasts a few second before he apologizes before i say anything. And even if i didn't get it right away, he only needed to calm down to realize how badly he was acting. He has become very self aware. It's ok for your kids to know your human.

The other thing i learned was to walk away. I don't argue with my kids or listen to their whining. When my kids are talking to me in a way i don't like, I walk away like i would do any person that was disrespectful. it's amazing how quickly the whining goes away when they know i won't be there to listen. I've even locked myself in my room to calm myself down so i don't yell at them. LOL I guess what i'm trying to say is i treat my kids how i expect them to treat me, i never yell or hit. And over time, he really changed! I hope this has helped a bit! I definately recommend a positive discipline approach, it has worked worlds of good in my household!

Great advice, you are teaching him how to behave around other people as well, not just those who have authority over him. He is learning how his behavior affects others. You are also setting a great example for him on how to discipline his own children, and interact with other people.

[BellaBlue82]

Originally Posted by MeganS

I think it's important to teach kids from a young age to do good things and behave well because they WANT to, not because they'll get hit if they don't. I'm not saying that I think that's the only reason that you are a good person today, but what you said about how you would have been smacked across the mouth. I don't talk to my parents like that because I don't WANT to, not because they'll hit me if I do.

My brother on the other hand is going through that stage now and there's been times that even I have wanted to beat him to death...I don't know how my parents resist the temptation.

I think, like the others, it's important to sit down and talk to each other as a family unit. Don't try to shove it as "I'm the mom, you're the kids, do what I say" - but rather as what you should do as a family to make it work for everyone.

I'm not a parent or anything, but this is mostly the route that my parents took and I've turned out OK, I think (and my brother will catch up eventually. even if he's 2 years older than me ).

Best of luck! Try not to let them upset you too much - they're probably just frustrated with everything.

First off, I never said that I was smacked in the mouth... I never once was hit in the face. My parents were very loving and caring, and I respected them completely and knew that if I ever disrepected them, not only would it sincerely hurt their feelings, but it would get me in a lot of trouble. My parents were strict in the sense that I couldn't talk to boys on the phone or date until I was 16 years old. I have never done drugs of any kind, and never did anything that would dissapoint them. I fully believe that this was because I was disciplined the right way, with my parents putting their feet down and not letting their teenager do and say whatever she felt like doing, that's all. I fully respect everyone's opinion on here, I was just giving mine. Sorry if you guys thought it was harsh! But I promise, I grew up to be an honest, tax paying citizen with a wonderful husband, three beautiful children, and an awesome baby girl yorkie on the way in a few short weeks! Anyway, lots of love to you all on here!

[BellaBlue82]

Originally Posted by jeanm1963

I would NEVER smack my kid across the room , and I hope when YOU have children you wont either, however, that said, raising children is NOT easy, and being a single parent is not easy either.. I only hope your expectations of being a parent and getting the respect your suggesting here happens. I was strick with my daughters, however they were mouthy , fresh, broke curfew, talked back, etc... they were feeling thier boundries... they were being typical teenages, I didnt run a bootcamp.. I never said it was OKAY but I didnt smack them across the room either ( that would be considered a serious case of child abuse)... I know you are only 27 but what is allowed now a days and what was allowed even 27 years ago is quite different. Not only has the family dynamics changed but the world in general has changed.

Like I posted earlier, I was never actually smacked across the room. I used that as a figure of speech, simply to mean that my parents meant business with me, and I would never disrespect them by back talking or being sarcastic, because I would be disciplined accordingly. I was NEVER hit in the face, but I did get spanked on the butt when I was young (under 10 years). When I got older, they would just take my phone away, or not let me go out with my friends for a few weeks, but I would be disciplined in some way. I am a mother of three beautiful children, ages seven, four, and thriteen months. Obviously they are not mouthy teens yet, but they push their boundaries as well, mouthing off here and there, and they are dealt with accordingly. I have no problem giving them a few swats on the behind, or putting them in the corner for a time out (not the baby of course). I really don't think it's neccesary to judge those that choose to spank their kids, and call them child abusers. I love my children more than anything on this earth and have NEVER abused them in any way. They are great kids who will grow up to love and respect their parents, and I thank my parents for raising me the way that they did, so that I can pass that knowledge along to my precious babies, and they will do the same for their kids. The only difference in the time is that now parents think that kids should be allowed to do whatever they want, and there is no discipline anymore. Why do you think that teen pregnancy, drug abuse, and STDs are running wild, way worse than they were 27 years ago? Just my opinions... but anyway to the OP, I hope everything is going well with you and your children and that you were able to sit and talk with them about how you were feeling.

[BellaBlue82]

Originally Posted by chloeandj

Last year i was having a hard time with my youngest son and I read several positive discipline books. One of the best things i ever learned was to tell my kids or show them how they were making me feel. "When you say that, or when you do this it makes me feel ---." Instead of sending him to his room for a time out or yelling at him. i can't tell you how aware this made my son, and he has so much empathy now and it made him realize i was a person with feelings just like him. When he does act out now, it only lasts a few second before he apologizes before i say anything. And even if i didn't get it right away, he only needed to calm down to realize how badly he was acting. He has become very self aware. It's ok for your kids to know your human.

The other thing i learned was to walk away. I don't argue with my kids or listen to their whining. When my kids are talking to me in a way i don't like, I walk away like i would do any person that was disrespectful. it's amazing how quickly the whining goes away when they know i won't be there to listen. I've even locked myself in my room to calm myself down so i don't yell at them. LOL I guess what i'm trying to say is i treat my kids how i expect them to treat me, i never yell or hit. And over time, he really changed! I hope this has helped a bit! I definately recommend a positive discipline approach, it has worked worlds of good in my household!

This is actually really good advice! I can't wait till my little one's are old enough for this to work on! I've tried this before, and all they do is follow me and continue to whine at me until I want to pull my hair out (granted, they are four and seven lol!).

[Nancy1999]

Originally Posted by BellaBlue82

Like I posted earlier, I was never actually smacked across the room. I used that as a figure of speech, simply to mean that my parents meant business with me, and I would never disrespect them by back talking or being sarcastic, because I would be disciplined accordingly. I was NEVER hit in the face, but I did get spanked on the butt when I was young (under 10 years). When I got older, they would just take my phone away, or not let me go out with my friends for a few weeks, but I would be disciplined in some way. I am a mother of three beautiful children, ages seven, four, and thriteen months. Obviously they are not mouthy teens yet, but they push their boundaries as well, mouthing off here and there, and they are dealt with accordingly. I have no problem giving them a few swats on the behind, or putting them in the corner for a time out (not the baby of course). I really don't think it's neccesary to judge those that choose to spank their kids, and call them child abusers. I love my children more than anything on this earth and have NEVER abused them in any way. They are great kids who will grow up to love and respect their parents, and I thank my parents for raising me the way that they did, so that I can pass that knowledge along to my precious babies, and they will do the same for their kids. The only difference in the time is that now parents think that kids should be allowed to do whatever they want, and there is no discipline anymore. Why do you think that teen pregnancy, drug abuse, and STDs are running wild, way worse than they were 27 years ago? Just my opinions... but anyway to the OP, I hope everything is going well with you and your children and that you were able to sit and talk with them about how you were feeling.

Glad you posted this, I had no idea it was just a figure of speech, so many children are abused and humiliated in the name of discipline. The problem with this form of punishment is it can cause children to grow up and hate themselves. We all know people who seem to have lots going for them, but then they make some really stupid choice, as if they are trying to sabotage themselves, and this happens much more than people think. If children don't have good self-esteem, they often make poor choices, even as adults when they should know better. Let me just add one more thing, self-esteem does not have anything to do with the way you look. I get so tired of reading about how someone wants a boob job because she wants to increase her self-esteem. Self-esteem is a feeling inside of self worth, and you literally can have these feelings knocked right out of you. Words, also can be even more damaging than physical abuse.

[chloeandj]

Originally Posted by BellaBlue82

This is actually really good advice! I can't wait till my little one's are old enough for this to work on! I've tried this before, and all they do is follow me and continue to whine at me until I want to pull my hair out (granted, they are four and seven lol!).

I did start this when my son was 7 and yes he did follow me at first but I would lock myself in the bathroom or bed room. At first i would tell him (in a very calm loving voice) that he wasn't aloud to talk to me like that and when he was done I'd be happy to come out and spend time with him and speak with him again. After a few times, I would just be quiet and leave and he would know exactly why. It works!

[chloeandj]

I highly recommend these two books to every mother I know, they have saved my sanity! and my kids! LOL

Positive Discipline by Jane Nelson, ed.D. and Setting Limits with your strong-willed Child by Robert McKenzie.